Is it a big deal that no one knows about me?

[farandaway]

It is not a big deal but sometimes it feels as it is. We have seen each other 3 times over 2,5years and we are doing very well and definitely planning a future together. He will be in Finland for business next week and we want to arrange a way that he can move to Finland within next year. So we are together and committed to each other and since our age we have also left contraception out on a mutual decision. What happens, happens and we would be happy and trust that things will work out to the best. But he is still legally married (complicated situation wife there with green card, her son 15y). He is worried to death, that when they start divorce process she will be bitter and lawyer will go after maximum money and she will not let him see their son (biologically only hers). Maximum money means finding the other woman which of course is me. Right now he is separated but he was not always.

To the point, for the above reasons probably he has not told anyone about me. He has very few friends. He has many acquaintances but not many close friends and no one he really trusts and it feels like throughout the course of our relationship he has never needed to open up to anyone, I'm also his best friend. But I can't help thinking that he doesn't want anyone to know about me because of some other reason. I have mentioned it several times and he says he really wants to tell but hasn't. I even said that I would be happy if he just told his family that there is someone new in his life without any other details. In fact, just yesterday he mentioned that he has not even told his family that he is coming to Finland on business. There is business invoiced in the trip but the real reason is me.

He has always been very rational. I know he loves me but he has not taken any risks because it is possible that in the divorce he will lose both all his money (that he doesn't have) and his son (not biological but very important to him) to another country.

I have been through this scenario in my head so many times that I can't see it objectively. Mostly all this bothers me because it looks like it will take a long time before we can ever be together and I would like him to start making more moves and telling someone about me would be one. It's not fun to be the secret party because obviously it limits when he can for example answer my phone calls. He lives on his own but when he is visiting his old parents I am on the second place always and it makes me very sad. But I respect that he should be doing all this on his own terms and I don't want to push him. So it's kind of a dead end and I was hoping someone here can tell me their opinion. Of course the situation is more complex than this but I think you get the idea.

[snow]

He needs to start the divorce. The longer he waits, the more complicated it will get. He will lose money and maybe the right to see his son in the future if he starts now, but if you get pregnant with his child, I am sure he will lose all that.

So is it a big deal that he hasn't told anyone? I don't think so. I think he is protecting your relationship and potentially his money and right to see his son.

[Redheart14]

I agree I think he needs to start the divorce

[Petals]

..............

[differentcountries]

I can see why he won't tell his soon to be ex wife and his son, but why won't he tell his friends and his family members? Are they likely to blabber to the ex wife?

[Ahava]

I can see why he won't tell his soon to be ex wife and his son, but why won't he tell his friends and his family members? Are they likely to blabber to the ex wife?

Exactly what I was thinking.

[farandaway]

Originally Posted by differentcountries
I can see why he won't tell his soon to be ex wife and his son, but why won't he tell his friends and his family members? Are they likely to blabber to the ex wife?

Exactly what I was thinking.

Yes, unfortunately he does not trust anyone in his family. There is a drinker and his folks are very old and sick and old-fashioned and I think he doesn't feel comfortable telling right now. I just wish he would directly tell me how it is. What snow says, makes sense though. It's just the whole picture that is very difficult.

[differentcountries]

Now I don't care about your relationship being kept a secret anymore, I am just sad that your SO doesn't have any close friends...

But anyhow, you need to get that divoced processed for the sake of your future child. And talk things over with him for real; it is his life but it is your common future.

[rhabdoviridae]

I've said this before about your relationship I believe, and I'll say it again: you can still be hurt by this. He hasn't left his wife yet, and while you continue to trust that he will, nothing is set in stone. He doesn't want to lose his son, which is understandable, but you also say he will move to Finland to be with you...how will that work out when he doesn't want to leave his son behind? Please believe me when I say that I don't say these things to be cruel or mean to you, but I genuinely feel as though you're being blinded by love right now. You've been together for over two years with this man and essentially nothing has changed. What makes you think they will change in the next two years? He has made it clear to you that his son is more important to him than you are.

I think leaving out contraception at this stage is a very risky move and taking the attitude that "What happens, happens and we would be happy and trust that things will work out to the best" is foolish, if I may be so blunt. You're an adult and you know very well at this point in your life that things don't just fall into place nicely. You are alone in another continent; if you get pregnant, there is zero guarantee that you will have any help from him at all. Have you discussed in thorough detail exactly what will happen if you become pregnant? Because I have a sneaking suspicion that you would be on your own; not necessarily that he would dump you, but that he wouldn't make the move to be with you just because of this child. If you're prepared for that and are ready and enthusiastic about being a single parent, okay. If not, I think you need to restart your contraception and stop with the teenage "~*what's meant to be will be!*~" attitude.

To answer your original question, yes it's a big deal that know one even knows about you after over two years of dating but if he's that concerned about losing his son, it's understandable. Either way, like snow said, it is long past time he began the divorce unless he doesn't mean to leave his wife because the son will always be a factor; that problem doesn't just disappear.

[farandaway]

I've said this before about your relationship I believe, and I'll say it again: you can still be hurt by this. He has made it clear to you that his son is more important to him than you are.

I know very many of us are saying the same thing about their SO but I feel I know him well enough to say that I can trust him. If there is no trust, then what. I know you are saying this because it sounds like it and I did not feel very strong about it for a while after reading your post. He has several things in his life happening at the same time; his father terminally ill, his teenage son won't stay in touch, he is trying to get his business running, he is starting a divorce process and he wants to have a child with me. It is a lot to accomplish and he can't give 100% attention to any of us. I accept that.

I think leaving out contraception at this stage is a very risky move and taking the attitude that "What happens, happens and we would be happy and trust that things will work out to the best" is foolish, if I may be so blunt. You're an adult and you know very well at this point in your life that things don't just fall into place nicely. You are alone in another continent; if you get pregnant, there is zero guarantee that you will have any help from him at all. Have you discussed in thorough detail exactly what will happen if you become pregnant? Because I have a sneaking suspicion that you would be on your own; not necessarily that he would dump you, but that he wouldn't make the move to be with you just because of this child. If you're prepared for that and are ready and enthusiastic about being a single parent, okay. If not, I think you need to restart your contraception and stop with the teenage "~*what's meant to be will be!*~" attitude.

I don't know if you would say this if you were soon 44years old and you dearly wanted to have a child with the man you love? According to statistics, we have 1-2% chance to conceive minus the months when we can't be together. It would be tough and I would be on my own for the beginning of it but he would be with me as soon as he can. He cares and there are fathers who don't even if they are around.

To answer your original question, yes it's a big deal that know one even knows about you after over two years of dating but if he's that concerned about losing his son, it's understandable. Either way, like snow said, it is long past time he began the divorce unless he doesn't mean to leave his wife because the son will always be a factor; that problem doesn't just disappear.

We talked about telling his family today and he said that when I'm alone and need to talk to him about anything I can call him anytime and he would answer and tell his family who is calling if he needs to. He keeps asking me how do I want him to tell them. He says that first impression is important implying that if they get the idea that we have started our relationship during his marriage probably doesn't bring me great points. It's not so much about his son at the moment but the time pressure with everything. This is very hard for me but LDRs are never easy and we are committed to each other. Our lives will get easier little by little.

[differentcountries]

His son that doesn't want to stay in touch, is that the same son is he is not the biological father to?

He might as well come clean towards his family that he dates you, unless they will easily get the impression that he just knocked you up as soon as he met you. Remember that when you meet them, you may be pregnant or have given birth to his child. I assume they know how to count.

[snow]

A divorce is not easy. My big sister didn't want to get divorced for a while because she feared to lose her son and to not be able to visit him if he lived with his father while both of them had found new partners, but this is always scary. She did it 2 and a half years after they had been separated and after everything was done, she was SO relieved.
In the end, it is his decision, but the sooner he starts the divorce process the better for both himself and your relationship, because right now you are in limbo. For all you know, he could stay married for the next 3 years until his son is 18. Are you willing to go through this?

[p_b82]

I have to say I am kinda in agreement with the other posters here, not wanting to beat your SO up or you, but my GF took a long time to get divorced from her (now ex) husband, and then when the process started took a number of years as he made things exceptionally difficult.

I will say though, that unless the divorce papers are in your hands, *if* you get pregnant or identified and that is going to be used as a factor by his wife in divorce proceedings, you are going to have to remain hidden until the whole things ends. Which if you do get pregnant, could result in being a single mum for 2-3 years or so, assuming he is then able to move over to be with you - that process will then take more time on top!

Only you know if that would be worth it, but for me, I'd personally either want to everything to be out in the open, or leave the complications out until after the whole thing is resolved!

[OperaDiva]

It is not a big deal but sometimes it feels as it is.

You seem to know the answer to your own question. The situation may be complex, but in your gut you know that he is hiding you and that is not a good sign. He might be building some fantasy with you, but until he brings you into his real life it is still a fantasy.

[Clmckenzie]

I think you are the only one who has answered honestly in this post. It is a massive deal and i think she needs to take a step back and think objectively about her situation.