Communication Difficulties

[DeathCab]

I'm feeling really frustrated, so much so that I'm on the verge of tears as I'm typing this right now. So please pardon me if this thread isn't very well organised or thought-out.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about seven months now. While it has always been hard for me to communicate with him, it seems to be getting increasingly difficult for me to do so lately. All along, he has never been the sort to deal with any arguments/fights that we get and would always just want to escape them. I've told him repeatedly time and again that our problems won't go away if we just ignore them, and that we have to talk through our problems and solve them so they won't pop up again in the future. I'm not sure if he truly understands this.

He seems to always ignore concerns that I have about our relationship by entirely not replying them at all. Most of our arguments start because I get upset at things he said/did and it usually happens at night for me, so instead of replying to what I say, he would almost ALWAYS tell me to "just go to sleep" and nothing else. Or if it were daytime for me, he would tell me to "just study." It only infuriates me more. I'm not sure if he even cares about whatever I have to say when I'm upset/angry at him. It almost seems as though he only wants to talk to me when I'm all happy, and just wants to get away or ignore what I say when I'm upset.

I'll admit that I have a really short temper and tend to get upset at him easily. Perhaps this is the reason why he tends to ignore me when I'm upset. Maybe I'm just too harsh with him.

Also, he doesn't seem to be too concerned about my feelings too. For instance, it doesn't faze him that I'm still feeling upset after an argument as long as he is feeling alright and he would leave me to cheer up on my own instead of helping me to make me feel better after arguments. Or recently, I was stressed up over some school work and was all panicky. The state of panic I was in wasn't allowing me to focus on my school work. Instead of caring about my emotional state, he just kept telling me to start working. I asked him, "What's more important? My school work or my emotional state?" and he answered my school work and reasoned it as because it would affect my future.

He is coming to my country to visit me next month, but recently I keep having fears of us not being able to make it till the day he comes because of all these communication issues. The sad part is, he doesn't seem to see a problem in our communication.

I feel really helpless. What can I do to get him to stop escaping and ignoring me whenever we have an argument? Is there a problem with me, him or the both of us? I googled once and found out that some people with SOs with ADHD face similar problems in communications. My boyfriend has often suspected himself of having ADHD too.

Once again, I'm really sorry for the lengthy post. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[p_b82]

I think it is very easy for us to self diagnose something like ADHD, but to me it does not excuse a lot of the behaviour that people attribute to being the result of an actual diagnosis. As an adult for example we need to take responsibility for our actions and learn coping mechanisms rather than just blaming/excusing behaviour as a result of it.

It sounds to me though that your BF just has a complete lack of empathy, this could be a completely different mental condition.... or it could just be that he chooses to ignore you feelings for what ever reason.

To me, what you have said raises red flags for the two of you in terms of a relationship. You are not getting any kind of emotional support from him, he is not communicating with you, and is showing a complete disregard to attempt to alter his behaviour to reach a compromise.

Personally I would not be sticking around for any-one that showed that level of disregard for me, and I would suggest you ask yourself why with behaviour like this you are allowing him to treat you this way - would you want him to do/say the same things to you if you were in an CD relationship? if no, then why put up with it LDR!

[DeathCab]

This is too much to bear. I just tried to confront him again about why he always ignores me when I'm upset. This is a snippet of our conversation:

Me: Just feel it's so difficult to communicate with you when all you want to do is escape whenever we have arguments and ignore the things I say. I always tell you that problems should be solved, not ignored. But lately I've given up on trying to solve the problems we have. It's so hard to talk to you when you keep closing WhatsApp. It feels like you just want to have fun and if I'm not happy, you want nothing to do with me. I feel really terrible. Can you talk to me and not go to sleep yet? I don't feel good about us atm.
Him: Lol. What f***ing problem. Fix what. You were just being silly. Fix your own silliness.
Me: I'm not talking about the e******* issue. I'm talking about our arguments in general. You always ignore what I say. It makes it so hard to talk to you. I feel like you don't even care about what I have to say when I'm upset. You never want to talk about anything negative.
Him: Okay. I don't want to talk about this. Don't like it, leave.
Me: This hurts me so much.
Him: Just who I am. Go back to -ex boyfriend's name-.
Me: Why are you being like this? Don't want to be with me anymore? I'm telling you nicely that our problems CANNOT be solved if you keep ignoring them.
Him: Because you are. Just suck it up and stop being so down. Lol. I don't want this.
Me: -I basically lost it at this point- WHY? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ONLY WANT TO TALK TO ME WHEN I'M HAPPY? BUT NEVER WHEN I'M UPSET?
Him: I never have any problems.
Me: WHY? RELATIONSHIPS HAVE UPS AND DOWNS. You can't just talk to me when I'm happy and ignore me when I'm upset.
Him: Just let you cool off. I only want ups. Stop making downs.
Me: This breaks my heart. I'll leave. This isn't the kind of relationship I want. I need someone who won't ignore the things I say and the concerns I raise. This relationship won't work if you just keep ignoring me.
Him: Okay. Go back to -ex bf's name- or -ex bf's name-. Have fun.

This is what he usually is like when I force him to reply to the things I say.

--

To p_b82: Is there really no other way around this? Nothing else that I can do to save this relationship? I've asked him before if this is how he is going to be like when we're upset in CD. He said no and was upset that I thought he would be this way. Another thing that I missed out is, one of his favourite things to say in reply to the things I say when I'm upset is that he "just want to be CD" as though all our problems will magically disappear when we're in a CDR.

[ronjaandbirk]

sounds like he is not willing to go out of his way one bit. There is no "only ups" situation in life. if he doesnt get your problem and isnt even trying to listen to them, as it seems, I would walk away from this honestly. It takes two to make a relationship work, how ever far or close the distance.
I dont see any way to get around this, sorry!

[p_b82]

Wow - while you might be being 'silly' he has basically just said to me that he doesn't care about you one bit.

To throw your ex's at you in that way is cruel and undeserved under the circumstances.

You deserve to be with some-one that will treat you better, get out from this now and do not look back is my advice, continuing will just result in more pain and heartbreak.

An attitude like that in my opinion would not change close distance, he just does not seem to understand the 'richer/poorer, sickness/health ups/downs' aspect of a relationship.

[Lisa88]

You deserve soo much better.
Me and my SO sometimes have communication problems but this isn't normal. When we have communication problems it's more about he being the non - talkative type, the more laid back type and doesn't need a lot of words to express his feelings. He always says he has to be strong because he's a man while I'm always talking and expressing my feelings. I respect his way of communication, he respects mine. But when something's wrong or I have my concerns he will be there for me, he will be talking and talking untill things be right again. That's how it should be.
When I'm reading the responses he gave, I get the impression that he's really not taking things serious.

Did you ever called/Skyped and confronted him with his behaviour?

My advice is to get out, how longer this lasts, how harder this is going to hurt. I really feel sorry for you!

[differentcountries]

This goes way beyond any regular communication problems. Either he doesn't understand that you are upset, or he doesn't care. Talking about your exes during a fight is very low.

[snow_girl]

He sounds like a douche, I would end it and find someone that cares about you and is willing to work with you rather than against you.

[Miasmata]

Yeah, seriously, he sounds really contrarian just for the sake of being a jerk. He shows no care whatsoever for you in that chat snippet, and caring for each other is pretty much the #1 requirement for a relationship. You deserve better.

[Petals]

I agree with the others. It seems he doesn't take you/relationship seriously.

One advice I would give you regarding communication is to avoid using words like 'always' and 'never' when arguing. Those words makes people get defensive. Also use more 'I'
statements.

"I feel hurt when I try to talk to you about issues but you tell me to go to sleep instead of comforting me and trying to find a solution. Help me to understand why?"

This is just to benefit future communication. I don't think your way of communicating with him is the issue here. He just doesn't seem to care enough about you.

[conejita_hada]

You deserve better than that. That is not an okay way of talking to someone.

[NadWil]

First of all, I don't think any of us can tell you what to do because we don't see the whole situation, only you can judge that. For instance, I don't know how often you have seen each other and for how long, and how well you got along in those situations..

But just from that conversation you posted, he really does not seem able to compromise or make an effort for you. Also, "I never have any problems."…that is a really immature statement. I am also a very stubborn person sometimes and would like to escape every argument and just distance myself- I know that that does not solve any problems, so I am working on it. But his responses seem like a pretty severe form of this behavior. And I think if you need support and empathy from your partner and he cannot offer that to you in any way, you should think about trying to find someone, who will!! Think about what makes you stay with him, and what you want from a relationship.