Girlfriend is not sure she can handle a long distance relationship - I need advice

[Miasmata]

The road to good and stable communication can be a long one, especially if one or both partners involved have trouble with social stuff as is. I know all too well how that can be.

I think all you can do is keep putting in effort, like she does, and tell her what you think and feel. Tell her that you appreciate the positive progress, but also underline that it's important to you that she tells you about her needs.

[syksnow]

Hey guys, just an update:

It's been almost a month now since she first told me what she was going through.
I ended up giving her about a week to just think with no contact from me. She really appreciated it.

So for the first week and a half we didn't talk much, but since then we've been Skyping once or twice per week.
It's been going really well! We really enjoy each other's company, even if it's just over Skype.
We are intensely connected and synchronized. We both got sick on the same day, with the same cold. We both messaged each other "how are you?" at almost the exact same time one day... It's crazy

Amazingly, this process has brought us closer. I feel more connected to her, and more in love with her, than I did lying in bed next to her...

She's still really unsure about her needs and wants. Some things she says give me hope that we will be together in the future. She's said things like "I have a good feeling that we are going to be together soon". Then again, some things she says make me think she really doesn't want another long-distance relationship.

So I don't know. I'm in limbo. But, as long as we're talking I'm happy. She's gonna be a big part of my life whether we are romantically involved or not, which is a good feeling.

I sent her a long letter explaining my feelings for her, what I was willing to do, and what I was not willing to do. I sent it like 2 weeks ago, but she hasn't read it yet. She says she's not ready... Which bothers me a bit, but I'm giving her time and respecting her wishes.

BUT, this last week she's been upsetting me. She's on vacation for New Years with family. I hope she's relaxing and having a good time, but she hasn't responded to any of my messages, which really bothers me. I sent her a message on Facebook a few days ago, asking how she was doing and saying I was worried about her. She saw the message (Facebook tells you when a message is read) but didn't reply... That was 4 days ago, and I haven't heard a word from her.

I don't understand why she's ignoring me, but it hurts. Our last conversation was awesome! We talked for hours and laughed like we did in Thailand. We both agreed that we should talk often. But that was a week ago, and she's ignored all my messages since then...

If she needs space to think, I'm willing to give her that. But, she needs to tell me that and not just ignore me.

[conejita_hada]

The trip to Brazil in early February sounds like a good idea. I understand the "if you have the means, go for it" but also understanding her being confused on what she wants in life, I think it's good you're giving her some space. Ultimately, it sounds like it will be good for you both to talk face-to-face again. I think that helps in the decision making process but I agree to not drop everything and go right now. My advice: give her some space to plan her life but keep communication open currently, make your trip for February and let her know about it.

[p_b82]

From what you have written you are taking too much responsibility for her thoughts and feelings - as another poster has said you say you know XYZ, but you only spent 10 days together.

I spent 3 years being best online friends with my now GF, while going through my eventual breakup with my now ex. I would not presume to ever do something 'for the best' for my GF without talking it through with her and asking and making sure. I would be right 95% of the time if I made the call, but it is not my place to make that without her agreement!

She's asked for space, and so you should rightly give her it; a sensible plan is to plan a trip next year if you want to go see the country and friends yourself.

Tell her that you are doing to both see her and to achieve some of your own goals - don't plan the itinerary now, as if your trip is in a few months a lot can change, but say, you are going to travel to Brazil anyway, and you'd like to spend more time with her To see if you guys have a future. I met my GF as a friend for 5 days, we realised there was a spark, had some serious conversations online about what it meant, and I agreed to go back again 3 months later to have some even more serious conversations.... like the future, timelines, marriage, emigration, children etc.

Above all though, you need to time yourself to make sure that this is the real deal, and not just a projection of feelings, or a warm fuzzy memory of a time spent in an idyllic scenario - you can only achieve that be spending time together.

If she doesn't want an LDR, then if you want to be with her, you will have to work out how to emigrate there.... are you prepared to do that? If you are not, then you have to ask yourself why not....

Good luck, and don't be hasty

[syksnow]

Okay guys. I want to thank everyone for the input and advice. It means a lot.

I'm still not decided on anything. BUT, I'm starting to see the logic in visiting her.

Right now, this is my plan:

Give her 4 or 5 more days to think before I ask to talk to her. I already promised her space and I think she wants that right now.
In this time, I want to start planning a short trip to Brazil. Maybe 2 or 3 weeks, probably in early February.

I know several people in Brazil, and there are a few things that I want to see there besides her.

I would then present the idea to her, and explain that I want to see her in her home country and see if the spark we had in Thailand is still there. I would make sure that she is completely comfortable with the idea.

I would REALLY stress the fact that I don't expect anything from her, besides the chance to talk. I would get a hostel room so we wouldn't be tempted by each other's bodies. I would only ask for 1 day to talk and explore our feelings for each other.

If I'm going to do this, it's extremely important to me that she doesn't feel pressured into anything. So we would have to have a long conversation about it.


I realized something the other day that was really freeing and beautiful to me. This last week has been really tough. But even during the worst times, when all I can do is cry, I have never once felt remorse or regret. I've never once thought, "I wish I hadn't met her, so I wouldn't be feeling this pain". And that's a beautiful thing.

And, I'm confident that that feeling would continue in the future. So if I went to Brazil, and she decided she didn't want to be with me... It would hurt like hell. It would be the hardest thing I had ever gone through in my life. But, I don't think I would feel any regret.

I decided a long time ago that regret is not something I want to have in my life. And I know that if I don't do all I can to try and make this work, I will regret it. I guess what I'm saying is that I can handle the potential for massive amounts of pain and heartbreak - I don't think I can handle the regret of knowing that I didn't try hard enough for her.

First off, that was beautiful. You can tell this woman means a lot to you from your words, and she's a very lucky girl!

Second - If she's ok with it...go to her. I'm not saying show up at her house and need to stay there - stay somewhere else...but be somewhere that you're available if she wants to spend time with you to figure things out. Give her a reason to believe that you are committed and she is important to you. You're young, and you can take chances. You could crash and burn or you could live a beautiful life. If it were me, I'd choose to believe the latter and I'd go. Regardless of what happens, at least you'll know in the end and you can't say you didn't even try. But I'm impulsive sooo... that advice probably isn't for everyone lol

Good luck

Thank you for the input.

You asked for advice. Then you responded to everyone negatively and suggested it would be manipulative. It seems to me that you had already made your own decision. You should listen to yourself!

Like I said, I don't want to argue. I appreciate the advice. I am not fully decided on anything yet.
This is not a decision I can take lightly or rush into. I need time to think. I just asked for advice to get some opinions from outsiders.

My opinion from everything you wrote is that you should go to her in Brazil and see what happens, give it a try, go there where you are close to her, it will be romantic and show commitment, it's not manipulating or being selfish at all. But at the end of the day do what your heart tells you, listen to your heart, not just your mind, the heart is always right at the end of the day! From your words I can tell she means alot to you, take the chance and go there.

I'm seeing a trend... thanks for the advice.

Like I said before, going there could seal the deal in wanting to stay with you, or cause her to really think if being with you is a good idea. It's impossible to go off just one visit, of 10 days, when you guys just met, hormones-a-blazing. Of course you're going to be crazy about each other during that time. If going there causes her to rethink her doubts, that's kind of the whole point. To get her to realize what she really wants. I'm not saying it's going to completely make her fall in love with you, and to be quite honest, you shouldn't be assuming that either. You really don't know what is going through her head right now. Stop acting like you think you know. I say that because you keep saying that you "know" or that you "feel like" it would it make it harder for her to break up with you, you don't know that. Even with you giving her space.

If you do decide to go to Brazil, tell her. Tell her that you would like to come and have a second visit, see where things go. It's not manipulative if you're not purposely forcing yourself on her when you're there, if she agrees to it. Manipulating her would mean that you're forcing the outcome you want, in ways you shouldn't be. It's not manipulative if you just want to see if the same feelings you guys had during those 10 days are still there, or not. Obviously she's not sure if she can, or will, still feel that way about you down the road. This seems like what every LDR goes through when the people involved have been apart for so long. The honeymoon period is over. Yes, the whole kids thing is there too. But, if she truly loves you and cares about you, and decides to stay with you, that's not you manipulating her. That's her making her decision based on her feelings and seeing a future with you. It'd be manipulating her if she didn't want you at all anymore, but you went there to convince her otherwise.

If you feel guilty about the fact that she's thinking about having kids, but you don't want them right now (or in the timeline she wants them), then maybe you've already made your decision about the relationship. It'd be manipulative if you forced her into being with you, even though she wants kids soon, and you don't. Yes, you might see a future with her, but do you see that happening in the timeline that she wants for herself? If not, then maybe it is best for both of you to walk away. It would manipulative to make her wait, when she doesn't want to. It's not manipulative if she chooses to wait because you're worth the wait to her.

Wise words, thank you.

[whatruckus]

Like I said before, going there could seal the deal in wanting to stay with you, or cause her to really think if being with you is a good idea. It's impossible to go off just one visit, of 10 days, when you guys just met, hormones-a-blazing. Of course you're going to be crazy about each other during that time. If going there causes her to rethink her doubts, that's kind of the whole point. To get her to realize what she really wants. I'm not saying it's going to completely make her fall in love with you, and to be quite honest, you shouldn't be assuming that either. You really don't know what is going through her head right now. Stop acting like you think you know. I say that because you keep saying that you "know" or that you "feel like" it would it make it harder for her to break up with you, you don't know that. Even with you giving her space.

If you do decide to go to Brazil, tell her. Tell her that you would like to come and have a second visit, see where things go. It's not manipulative if you're not purposely forcing yourself on her when you're there, if she agrees to it. Manipulating her would mean that you're forcing the outcome you want, in ways you shouldn't be. It's not manipulative if you just want to see if the same feelings you guys had during those 10 days are still there, or not. Obviously she's not sure if she can, or will, still feel that way about you down the road. This seems like what every LDR goes through when the people involved have been apart for so long. The honeymoon period is over. Yes, the whole kids thing is there too. But, if she truly loves you and cares about you, and decides to stay with you, that's not you manipulating her. That's her making her decision based on her feelings and seeing a future with you. It'd be manipulating her if she didn't want you at all anymore, but you went there to convince her otherwise.

If you feel guilty about the fact that she's thinking about having kids, but you don't want them right now (or in the timeline she wants them), then maybe you've already made your decision about the relationship. It'd be manipulative if you forced her into being with you, even though she wants kids soon, and you don't. Yes, you might see a future with her, but do you see that happening in the timeline that she wants for herself? If not, then maybe it is best for both of you to walk away. It would manipulative to make her wait, when she doesn't want to. It's not manipulative if she chooses to wait because you're worth the wait to her.

My opinion from everything you wrote is that you should go to her in Brazil and see what happens, give it a try, go there where you are close to her, it will be romantic and show commitment, it's not manipulating or being selfish at all. But at the end of the day do what your heart tells you, listen to your heart, not just your mind, the heart is always right at the end of the day! From your words I can tell she means alot to you, take the chance and go there.

[TaraMarie]

You asked for advice. Then you responded to everyone negatively and suggested it would be manipulative. It seems to me that you had already made your own decision. You should listen to yourself!

[FloridaLovesChicago]

First off, that was beautiful. You can tell this woman means a lot to you from your words, and she's a very lucky girl!

Second - If she's ok with it...go to her. I'm not saying show up at her house and need to stay there - stay somewhere else...but be somewhere that you're available if she wants to spend time with you to figure things out. Give her a reason to believe that you are committed and she is important to you. You're young, and you can take chances. You could crash and burn or you could live a beautiful life. If it were me, I'd choose to believe the latter and I'd go. Regardless of what happens, at least you'll know in the end and you can't say you didn't even try. But I'm impulsive sooo... that advice probably isn't for everyone lol

Good luck

[syksnow]

Hey guys, I really appreciate the input.
I'm not trying to argue with you. I really do want to thank you for taking the time to share your opinions.

That being said, none of you have convinced me that flying to Brazil is the right choice right now. Which is good - I need to make my own decisions.
It is helpful to get outsider's opinions, though.
I'll have to think about what you all have said.

Question - if you think I should go to her, how do you think I should handle it? Just get on a plane and show up at her door? Ask her for permission? Tell her I'm coming and insist on her giving me a chance? Or ask her what she wants from me...?


With all due respect, I think you guys may be overlooking the fact that she's going through a lot more than just relationship issues right now. I know she doesn't know what she wants, and she knows that too. She has specifically said that she is confused and needs time to think.

When I told her she could have all the time she needed, she was really thankful.

I think she just has too much on her plate to think about us right now. Which is fine.

But that's why I think it would be manipulative to visit her.

Yes, it would prove to her that I really care about her, but she already knows that. I've always been very honest with her.

I feel like it would make it much harder for her to break up with me, though, which doesn't seem fair.


When she's ready to talk about us, I will offer to come. But unless she specifically says she is okay with me coming to her, I just don't feel comfortable with it.

Right now, I feel really good about how I've handled the situation. I feel like I've been very fair to her, and true to myself. But I recognize that I still need time to think.

Again, thanks guys. It helps to talk.

I give advice and it's up to the poster to use it as they please or discard it. Counter arguments, nah- it's your life and I have said my piece.

I'm sure others will have their input.

All the best

If that is the way you are thinking, then wasn't it already manipulative of you to try and convince her to stay with you?

I very much agree with Petals in that maybe you two are at different stages in your lives right now, whether she is receiving pressure from friends and family, or not. The simple matter of fact is that she wants to settle down. I don't doubt that maybe it's an age thing and she's thinking about her biological clock (we're not getting any younger). You said that you eventually want kids, but maybe your "eventually" isn't soon enough for her and she's just now starting to realize that. It's really up to her right now to decide what she wants, but at the same time, I wouldn't badger her about it and give her her space. I don't think visiting her would be manipulative at all. In fact, it could either seal the deal or make up her mind if she truly does want to be with you. It would give her more to think about than just those 10 days you guys spent together. A second visit is more about getting to know each other, intimately (I don't mean sexually, I mean besides through the phone and a computer screen).

I don't even understand what your argument is about. She knows that you want the relationship to continue, regardless of how you act towards her. Going just gives out the message a little stronger, and gives her the chance to have you there in person. There is no "rational" here, there is just feelings - her feelings and your feelings and the feeling of you as a couple. I didn't want to be with my SO, BTW, I thought he looked too much like the ex I had dated and dumped because he acted like a self-centered prick. We would not be together had he not insisted that I should give him a chance to prove that, in fact, he is his own person and not a version of some other guy. He was in fact very, very pushy but I loved that he sensed that he could be and still make me comfortable because I felt what he felt, too.

[differentcountries]

I don't think I can visit her with "no strings attached".
I know that she wants me physically. I know that she wants me emotionally.
I just don't know if she wants me rationally.

To visit her now would feel really manipulative. Yes, it's what I want, but I have to think about both of us.

She means a lot to me. I can't hurt her.

I don't even understand what your argument is about. She knows that you want the relationship to continue, regardless of how you act towards her. Going just gives out the message a little stronger, and gives her the chance to have you there in person. There is no "rational" here, there is just feelings - her feelings and your feelings and the feeling of you as a couple. I didn't want to be with my SO, BTW, I thought he looked too much like the ex I had dated and dumped because he acted like a self-centered prick. We would not be together had he not insisted that I should give him a chance to prove that, in fact, he is his own person and not a version of some other guy. He was in fact very, very pushy but I loved that he sensed that he could be and still make me comfortable because I felt what he felt, too.

[whatruckus]

I could be over thinking it.

You're right - she is on the fence about our relationship. But she's also on the fence about her job, her home, her future... she's really confused and lost.

Visiting feels manipulative to me, and a little selfish of me, and here's why:

She knows how much I want to be with her.
She doesn't know how much she wants to be with me - at least on a rational level. I know she wants me physically, and I know she enjoyed our time together.

If I come visit her, we will surely have a good time.
We will hold each other, we will make love, and we will be happy together.
It would certainly be good for me. But I am not sure if it will be good for her.

If I visit her, I am confident she will fall in love with me.

BUT, that might convince her to set her goals aside to be with me. Which is not what I want, unless she's really willing to do that.


I honestly don't see how visiting her would NOT be manipulative.

The more I think about it, the more I feel I just need to wait. Which is going to really suck for me. But I just need to be strong right now, for the both of us.

If you have a counter-argument I would be happy to hear it.

I want nothing more than to get on a plane tomorrow. But I'm not convinced that that is the right decision for her, so I can't do it.


I really appreciate the input, though, even if I don't agree right now. It helps to talk. Thank you for taking the time to help a stranger, it means a lot to me.

If that is the way you are thinking, then wasn't it already manipulative of you to try and convince her to stay with you?

I very much agree with Petals in that maybe you two are at different stages in your lives right now, whether she is receiving pressure from friends and family, or not. The simple matter of fact is that she wants to settle down. I don't doubt that maybe it's an age thing and she's thinking about her biological clock (we're not getting any younger). You said that you eventually want kids, but maybe your "eventually" isn't soon enough for her and she's just now starting to realize that. It's really up to her right now to decide what she wants, but at the same time, I wouldn't badger her about it and give her her space. I don't think visiting her would be manipulative at all. In fact, it could either seal the deal or make up her mind if she truly does want to be with you. It would give her more to think about than just those 10 days you guys spent together. A second visit is more about getting to know each other, intimately (I don't mean sexually, I mean besides through the phone and a computer screen).

[Petals]

I give advice and it's up to the poster to use it as they please or discard it. Counter arguments, nah- it's your life and I have said my piece.

I'm sure others will have their input.

All the best

[syksnow]

Please explain how visiting her is manipulative?

I don't understand your rationale - she is on the fence and you are trying to convince her that a relationship with you is worth it. If you think being passive will accomplish your goal then sit back and relax. However, by telling her that you are coming to see her, so you can discuss this face to face you will be showing her how much you want to be with her.

Nobody here is telling you to hurt her. You are over-thinking this...

I could be over thinking it.

You're right - she is on the fence about our relationship. But she's also on the fence about her job, her home, her future... she's really confused and lost.

Visiting feels manipulative to me, and a little selfish of me, and here's why:

She knows how much I want to be with her.
She doesn't know how much she wants to be with me - at least on a rational level. I know she wants me physically, and I know she enjoyed our time together.

If I come visit her, we will surely have a good time.
We will hold each other, we will make love, and we will be happy together.
It would certainly be good for me. But I am not sure if it will be good for her.

If I visit her, I am confident she will fall in love with me.

BUT, that might convince her to set her goals aside to be with me. Which is not what I want, unless she's really willing to do that.


I honestly don't see how visiting her would NOT be manipulative.

The more I think about it, the more I feel I just need to wait. Which is going to really suck for me. But I just need to be strong right now, for the both of us.

If you have a counter-argument I would be happy to hear it.

I want nothing more than to get on a plane tomorrow. But I'm not convinced that that is the right decision for her, so I can't do it.


I really appreciate the input, though, even if I don't agree right now. It helps to talk. Thank you for taking the time to help a stranger, it means a lot to me.

[Petals]

I don't think I can visit her with "no strings attached".
I know that she wants me physically. I know that she wants me emotionally.
I just don't know if she wants me rationally.

To visit her now would feel really manipulative. Yes, it's what I want, but I have to think about both of us.

She means a lot to me. I can't hurt her.

Please explain how visiting her is manipulative?

I don't understand your rationale - she is on the fence and you are trying to convince her that a relationship with you is worth it. If you think being passive will accomplish your goal then sit back and relax. However, by telling her that you are coming to see her, so you can discuss this face to face you will be showing her how much you want to be with her.

Nobody here is telling you to hurt her. You are over-thinking this...