Girlfriend is not sure she can handle a long distance relationship - I need advice

[syksnow]

Hello all!

I'm having a tough time and I could use some advice.

This is a rather complex issue. I apologize in advance for the length of this post, it's a doosey.

I really appreciate any insight or advice you may have.

I'll give you the basics first:

I'm a 21 year old male living in the USA. She's a 27 year old female living in Brazil.
We met in Thailand this summer, and had an amazing time together. We were together for about 3 weeks but only romantically involved for 10 days. It was an intense 10 days, for both of us.

You may be thinking - 10 days? What? While it may not seem like long, keep in mind that we were together 24 hours a day for those 10 days. And, before we were romantically involved, we had a really powerful spiritual/soulful experience together (long story, but it was beautiful)

We both went our separate ways (had to - we both had plane tickets and limited funds) and said "let's see eachother again". I wasn't really sure if that was gonna happen at the time.

We have stayed in touch over Skype since then (the last 2 1/2 months). Things were going really well! She was excited to see me again, and I was feeling really good about our relationship. I sent her a really honest and emotional note explaining my feelings, and she took it really well - said it made her feel really good, and made her want to see me even more!

She said that she wanted to visit the US, so we started planning a road trip. After a few weeks she said that she didn't feel like she could afford the US, so suggested we go to Asia together, or that I come visit her in Brazil. I was down for either - I love to travel and I was still really wanting to see her again.

Flash forward to earlier this week (Tuesday I think - it's been a blur). She Skypes with me and says that she's not sure she can handle a long-distance relationship. She explains that her last boyfriend was also from a different country, and it had been really difficult for both of them.

She and her ex have a “stable union” which is basically a step down from a marriage - it allows permanent residence for her ex in Brazil. They broke up about 1.5 years ago, but he’s been dragging out the process of getting officially separated. It’s all coming to a conclusion now, and clearly it’s bringing up memories of painful experiences for her.

She also said that for the first time in her life, she's been thinking about settling down a little bit and focusing on her career - and maybe starting to think about kids, marriage, etc. Basically, thinking about growing up and living a more typical adult life. (she’s basically been traveling extensively since she was 17)

At first, I didn't understand. It shocked me, and I scrambled to try to change her mind. We talked for hours but I couldn't change her mind. BUT, we both agreed to think about it. I could tell she wasn't sure about anything - she's really confused right now and is seeking answers about a lot of things.

She's REALLY confused. She doesn't know if she wants to be with me, doesn't know where she wants to live, doesn't know if she wants to settle down or continue traveling... she's just lost and it hurts me to think about her suffering.

I gave her 2 days to think (which was REALLY hard - I wanted to talk to her so badly) and then I asked her to call me. She did, and we talked for hours. I apologized for how I reacted initially. I really did my best to take the high road, and I know she appreciates it. I told her that I really wanted our relationship to continue, but that I would accept any decision we came to. I told her she had done nothing to hurt me, and actually thanked her for telling me (I needed to hear it if it's that important to her).

I also told her that I understood she is going through a lot all at once. I asked her to think of me as a friend right now, and if need be, don't think about our relationship until she's figured out some of the other things she's going through.

She was really thankful for my words. She said she did need time to think about things, and that it would be really helpful if she could put off thinking about us for now. That’s what I wanted, but it’s gonna be damn hard for me.

I knew what I was getting into - I basically gave her the power to take as much time as she needs. It's gonna be difficult not knowing, but I needed to help her however I could, and taking some weight off her shoulders felt good.



So for the past few days, I've just been thinking. And crying, a lot.
She means a lot to me. I'm still figuring out what love is, but I'm pretty sure I'm in love with her.
The thought of never seeing her again causes me a lot of pain.

I know she really likes me. I probably feel stronger about her than she does about me, but I know she really does enjoy spending time with me. I KNOW that if we were from the same country, we wouldn’t be having this conversation - we would be together.

We both agree that we share a real and powerful connection. She says she can always feel my energy. Before we were romantically involved we had a really intense spiritual experience together, and I felt like our souls connected somehow. She feels the same.

I'm not ready to give her up, unless she really feels like she can't be happy in a long distance relationship.

I KNOW that it would be difficult. But I'm not prepared to give her up just because that's the easy way out.

But, I don't want to hurt her. I know she's been through a rough relationship with a foreigner, and I don't want to make her relive her past unless she's willing.


And I've been thinking about the options - I want to think that we can be together, but the more I think, the more it feels incredibly difficult..

I would be happy to come to Brazil to be with her. I work from a computer so I am not tied down geographically. But, I can only stay there for 6 months - after that, I'd have to leave the country for 6 months (visa restrictions)

I don’t want to make her feel pressured into leaving with me, especially if she really does want to focus on her career.

And I honestly don’t know if we could handle being together for 6 months then apart for 6 months, forever…



So now I really have no idea what I should do.

If I was convinced that she really did want to settle down, I would end it myself to save her that burden. But I’m not convinced. She’s not even convinced. Like I said, she is really lost right now in a lot of ways.

I just want to get on a plane tomorrow and hold her. But I know I can’t do that. That would be the most manipulative thing I could possibly do, and I’m not that kind of person.

The only real option I see for me is to just wait. And I have NO IDEA how long it’s gonna take for her to be ready to talk about our relationship - let alone how long it’s gonna take to actually reach a conclusion.

Or, I could end it. But right now, I’m not prepared to do that because I don’t have a good enough reason. Like I said, difficulty is not a good enough reason for me.

I have been doing some things to cope with it - writing in my journal, writing her messages (that I don’t send to her - just to vent), exercising, talking to my mom, etc.

I have also been writing a long message that I will eventually send to her, when she’s ready. It explains my feelings for her, my opinions about our future, etc. I told her about it and asked her to let me know when she’s ready to read it. I poured my heart out into it, but it’s important for me that she knows how strongly I feel about her. I trust her and have always been honest with her, so I’m not scared to send it, but she needs to be ready.



I could really use some advice. Or insight. Or just support - I don’t know, it feels good to vent, even if its to strangers on the Internet.

Thanks for reading.


too long; didn't read - We were together for ~10 days, returned to our own countries and kept in touch. Several months later she told me that she didn't know if she wanted a long distance relationship, because her last serious relationship was long-distance and it was difficult. But it’s a lot more complicated than that...

[differentcountries]

It is really not that complicated. Most of us have been through relationship issues that makes it hard to jump on a new train even if we want to. For sure, if you two decide you want to be together, there will be ways. Right now, it is not visa laws stopping you, it is her. I have been through a similar situation not long distance, and even that was super hard. As difficult as it might seem give her time. Take care of yourself. Just wait. Maybe make plans to visit with no strings attached and take it from there.

[TaraMarie]

I say you are only young once. Get on a plane and go! If you have the means to do it, and you both feel the connection, then make it happen! If you don't you will spend the rest of your life wondering "what if". To be young and not tied down yet is wonderful. It gives you the opportunity to do anything you want. Go for it!

I was finally at the place in my life when're I could get on a plane and just go! So I did. And two and a half years leather we are engaged and he is moving here after the holidays. It CAN work. If I hadn't done that, we would still just be Facebook friends!

[Petals]

"She also said that for the first time in her life, she's been thinking about settling down a little bit and focusing on her career - and maybe starting to think about kids, marriage, etc. Basically, thinking about growing up and living a more typical adult life. (she’s basically been traveling extensively since she was 17)"

I think you need to really listen to her concerns carefully and honestly decide if you are at the stage of your life to meet her needs.

This the question that I think she is really asking you.

Are you ready to commit to a stable, long-term relationship that includes marriage and children within the next 2-5 years?

You are 21 and seems excited about traveling and she has done that already and needs more stability. She has doubts that you can give her that level of stability without sacrificing your own needs. She has wasted some of her prime years with her ex and she doesn't want to repeat that as she will be 30 in a few years. She needs to know that any relationship she enters now will be one that involves having children and marriage. If she thinks it's important to live together first before marriage etc LDR does not suit her situation; therefore it is pointless pursuing such a relationship with you and waste more of her time. I think this is the main issue that contributes to her hesitance.

If you think about the above carefully and can confidently offer her stability without sacrificing your own needs/happiness, then yes, get on the plane and live with her for awhile and assure her that you are ready for a serious longterm relationship that includes marriage and children within the next 5 yrs. Also, work out a viable plan to close the distance.

On the other hand, if you know deep down that at 21 you want to experience the world more in terms of traveling etc., let her go. You cannot offer her what she wants at this stage in your life and that would be ok. Your long term happiness and fulfillment are important too. You don't want to commit too early then end up resenting that decision later. Remember, she had a chance to travel and experience life on her own terms and you deserve that too.

Think carefully about what you really want.

All the best

[syksnow]

I say you are only young once. Get on a plane and go! If you have the means to do it, and you both feel the connection, then make it happen! If you don't you will spend the rest of your life wondering "what if". To be young and not tied down yet is wonderful. It gives you the opportunity to do anything you want. Go for it!

I was finally at the place in my life when're I could get on a plane and just go! So I did. And two and a half years leather we are engaged and he is moving here after the holidays. It CAN work. If I hadn't done that, we would still just be Facebook friends!

I would love to do that.

But that feels really, really manipulative.

I'm not sure if I can do that. I have the means, and the will, but I don't know if that's what she wants...

[syksnow]

"She also said that for the first time in her life, she's been thinking about settling down a little bit and focusing on her career - and maybe starting to think about kids, marriage, etc. Basically, thinking about growing up and living a more typical adult life. (she’s basically been traveling extensively since she was 17)"

I think you need to really listen to her concerns carefully and honestly decide if you are at the stage of your life to meet her needs.

This the question that I think she is really asking you.

Are you ready to commit to a stable, long-term relationship that includes marriage and children within the next 2-5 years?

You are 21 and seems excited about traveling and she has done that already and needs more stability. She has doubts that you can give her that level of stability without sacrificing your own needs. She has wasted some of her prime years with her ex and she doesn't want to repeat that as she will be 30 in a few years. She needs to know that any relationship she enters now will be one that involves having children and marriage. If she thinks it's important to live together first before marriage etc LDR does not suit her situation; therefore it is pointless pursuing such a relationship with you and waste more of her time. I think this is the main issue that contributes to her hesitance.

If you think about the above carefully and can confidently offer her stability without sacrificing your own needs/happiness, then yes, get on the plane and live with her for awhile and assure her that you are ready for a serious longterm relationship that includes marriage and children within the next 5 yrs. Also, work out a viable plan to close the distance.

On the other hand, if you know deep down that at 21 you want to experience the world more in terms of traveling etc., let her go. You cannot offer her what she wants at this stage in your life and that would be ok. Your long term happiness and fulfillment are important too. You don't want to commit too early then end up resenting that decision later. Remember, she had a chance to travel and experience life on her own terms and you deserve that too.

Think carefully about what you really want.

All the best

I understand what you're saying. I've put a lot of thought into it. I still need to think more, but right now my main goal in life is to be happy, and she makes me happy.
I know that I want to be with her. I don't feel ready for kids or marriage now, but she is the type of woman I could see myself being with forever - and eventually I do want kids.

The problem I see is that she doesn't know if that's what she wants. She really doesn't. She realizes that a lot of what she's feeling is external pressure from friends and family. A lot of her friends are settling down, so she feels the need to do the same.

I just don't know if that's what she wants, deep down. And she doesn't know either - she's said that openly, in clear words. She just doesn't know...

[syksnow]

It is really not that complicated. Most of us have been through relationship issues that makes it hard to jump on a new train even if we want to. For sure, if you two decide you want to be together, there will be ways. Right now, it is not visa laws stopping you, it is her. I have been through a similar situation not long distance, and even that was super hard. As difficult as it might seem give her time. Take care of yourself. Just wait. Maybe make plans to visit with no strings attached and take it from there.

I don't think I can visit her with "no strings attached".
I know that she wants me physically. I know that she wants me emotionally.
I just don't know if she wants me rationally.

To visit her now would feel really manipulative. Yes, it's what I want, but I have to think about both of us.

She means a lot to me. I can't hurt her.

[Petals]

I don't think I can visit her with "no strings attached".
I know that she wants me physically. I know that she wants me emotionally.
I just don't know if she wants me rationally.

To visit her now would feel really manipulative. Yes, it's what I want, but I have to think about both of us.

She means a lot to me. I can't hurt her.

Please explain how visiting her is manipulative?

I don't understand your rationale - she is on the fence and you are trying to convince her that a relationship with you is worth it. If you think being passive will accomplish your goal then sit back and relax. However, by telling her that you are coming to see her, so you can discuss this face to face you will be showing her how much you want to be with her.

Nobody here is telling you to hurt her. You are over-thinking this...

[syksnow]

Please explain how visiting her is manipulative?

I don't understand your rationale - she is on the fence and you are trying to convince her that a relationship with you is worth it. If you think being passive will accomplish your goal then sit back and relax. However, by telling her that you are coming to see her, so you can discuss this face to face you will be showing her how much you want to be with her.

Nobody here is telling you to hurt her. You are over-thinking this...

I could be over thinking it.

You're right - she is on the fence about our relationship. But she's also on the fence about her job, her home, her future... she's really confused and lost.

Visiting feels manipulative to me, and a little selfish of me, and here's why:

She knows how much I want to be with her.
She doesn't know how much she wants to be with me - at least on a rational level. I know she wants me physically, and I know she enjoyed our time together.

If I come visit her, we will surely have a good time.
We will hold each other, we will make love, and we will be happy together.
It would certainly be good for me. But I am not sure if it will be good for her.

If I visit her, I am confident she will fall in love with me.

BUT, that might convince her to set her goals aside to be with me. Which is not what I want, unless she's really willing to do that.


I honestly don't see how visiting her would NOT be manipulative.

The more I think about it, the more I feel I just need to wait. Which is going to really suck for me. But I just need to be strong right now, for the both of us.

If you have a counter-argument I would be happy to hear it.

I want nothing more than to get on a plane tomorrow. But I'm not convinced that that is the right decision for her, so I can't do it.


I really appreciate the input, though, even if I don't agree right now. It helps to talk. Thank you for taking the time to help a stranger, it means a lot to me.

[Petals]

I give advice and it's up to the poster to use it as they please or discard it. Counter arguments, nah- it's your life and I have said my piece.

I'm sure others will have their input.

All the best

[whatruckus]

I could be over thinking it.

You're right - she is on the fence about our relationship. But she's also on the fence about her job, her home, her future... she's really confused and lost.

Visiting feels manipulative to me, and a little selfish of me, and here's why:

She knows how much I want to be with her.
She doesn't know how much she wants to be with me - at least on a rational level. I know she wants me physically, and I know she enjoyed our time together.

If I come visit her, we will surely have a good time.
We will hold each other, we will make love, and we will be happy together.
It would certainly be good for me. But I am not sure if it will be good for her.

If I visit her, I am confident she will fall in love with me.

BUT, that might convince her to set her goals aside to be with me. Which is not what I want, unless she's really willing to do that.


I honestly don't see how visiting her would NOT be manipulative.

The more I think about it, the more I feel I just need to wait. Which is going to really suck for me. But I just need to be strong right now, for the both of us.

If you have a counter-argument I would be happy to hear it.

I want nothing more than to get on a plane tomorrow. But I'm not convinced that that is the right decision for her, so I can't do it.


I really appreciate the input, though, even if I don't agree right now. It helps to talk. Thank you for taking the time to help a stranger, it means a lot to me.

If that is the way you are thinking, then wasn't it already manipulative of you to try and convince her to stay with you?

I very much agree with Petals in that maybe you two are at different stages in your lives right now, whether she is receiving pressure from friends and family, or not. The simple matter of fact is that she wants to settle down. I don't doubt that maybe it's an age thing and she's thinking about her biological clock (we're not getting any younger). You said that you eventually want kids, but maybe your "eventually" isn't soon enough for her and she's just now starting to realize that. It's really up to her right now to decide what she wants, but at the same time, I wouldn't badger her about it and give her her space. I don't think visiting her would be manipulative at all. In fact, it could either seal the deal or make up her mind if she truly does want to be with you. It would give her more to think about than just those 10 days you guys spent together. A second visit is more about getting to know each other, intimately (I don't mean sexually, I mean besides through the phone and a computer screen).

[differentcountries]

I don't think I can visit her with "no strings attached".
I know that she wants me physically. I know that she wants me emotionally.
I just don't know if she wants me rationally.

To visit her now would feel really manipulative. Yes, it's what I want, but I have to think about both of us.

She means a lot to me. I can't hurt her.

I don't even understand what your argument is about. She knows that you want the relationship to continue, regardless of how you act towards her. Going just gives out the message a little stronger, and gives her the chance to have you there in person. There is no "rational" here, there is just feelings - her feelings and your feelings and the feeling of you as a couple. I didn't want to be with my SO, BTW, I thought he looked too much like the ex I had dated and dumped because he acted like a self-centered prick. We would not be together had he not insisted that I should give him a chance to prove that, in fact, he is his own person and not a version of some other guy. He was in fact very, very pushy but I loved that he sensed that he could be and still make me comfortable because I felt what he felt, too.

[syksnow]

Hey guys, I really appreciate the input.
I'm not trying to argue with you. I really do want to thank you for taking the time to share your opinions.

That being said, none of you have convinced me that flying to Brazil is the right choice right now. Which is good - I need to make my own decisions.
It is helpful to get outsider's opinions, though.
I'll have to think about what you all have said.

Question - if you think I should go to her, how do you think I should handle it? Just get on a plane and show up at her door? Ask her for permission? Tell her I'm coming and insist on her giving me a chance? Or ask her what she wants from me...?


With all due respect, I think you guys may be overlooking the fact that she's going through a lot more than just relationship issues right now. I know she doesn't know what she wants, and she knows that too. She has specifically said that she is confused and needs time to think.

When I told her she could have all the time she needed, she was really thankful.

I think she just has too much on her plate to think about us right now. Which is fine.

But that's why I think it would be manipulative to visit her.

Yes, it would prove to her that I really care about her, but she already knows that. I've always been very honest with her.

I feel like it would make it much harder for her to break up with me, though, which doesn't seem fair.


When she's ready to talk about us, I will offer to come. But unless she specifically says she is okay with me coming to her, I just don't feel comfortable with it.

Right now, I feel really good about how I've handled the situation. I feel like I've been very fair to her, and true to myself. But I recognize that I still need time to think.

Again, thanks guys. It helps to talk.

I give advice and it's up to the poster to use it as they please or discard it. Counter arguments, nah- it's your life and I have said my piece.

I'm sure others will have their input.

All the best

If that is the way you are thinking, then wasn't it already manipulative of you to try and convince her to stay with you?

I very much agree with Petals in that maybe you two are at different stages in your lives right now, whether she is receiving pressure from friends and family, or not. The simple matter of fact is that she wants to settle down. I don't doubt that maybe it's an age thing and she's thinking about her biological clock (we're not getting any younger). You said that you eventually want kids, but maybe your "eventually" isn't soon enough for her and she's just now starting to realize that. It's really up to her right now to decide what she wants, but at the same time, I wouldn't badger her about it and give her her space. I don't think visiting her would be manipulative at all. In fact, it could either seal the deal or make up her mind if she truly does want to be with you. It would give her more to think about than just those 10 days you guys spent together. A second visit is more about getting to know each other, intimately (I don't mean sexually, I mean besides through the phone and a computer screen).

I don't even understand what your argument is about. She knows that you want the relationship to continue, regardless of how you act towards her. Going just gives out the message a little stronger, and gives her the chance to have you there in person. There is no "rational" here, there is just feelings - her feelings and your feelings and the feeling of you as a couple. I didn't want to be with my SO, BTW, I thought he looked too much like the ex I had dated and dumped because he acted like a self-centered prick. We would not be together had he not insisted that I should give him a chance to prove that, in fact, he is his own person and not a version of some other guy. He was in fact very, very pushy but I loved that he sensed that he could be and still make me comfortable because I felt what he felt, too.

[FloridaLovesChicago]

First off, that was beautiful. You can tell this woman means a lot to you from your words, and she's a very lucky girl!

Second - If she's ok with it...go to her. I'm not saying show up at her house and need to stay there - stay somewhere else...but be somewhere that you're available if she wants to spend time with you to figure things out. Give her a reason to believe that you are committed and she is important to you. You're young, and you can take chances. You could crash and burn or you could live a beautiful life. If it were me, I'd choose to believe the latter and I'd go. Regardless of what happens, at least you'll know in the end and you can't say you didn't even try. But I'm impulsive sooo... that advice probably isn't for everyone lol

Good luck

[TaraMarie]

You asked for advice. Then you responded to everyone negatively and suggested it would be manipulative. It seems to me that you had already made your own decision. You should listen to yourself!