I really need some advice

[ansley]

I just created my account for the reason of needing some advice. This will most likely be a long post but bare with me...

The few people I have mentioned this to haven't given the best advice for this. Which I understand since they haven't been in this situation. I hope that since you guys are, or have been in a long distance relationship, that you can tell me what I should do. I prefer to keep my personal life private... so it's slightly uncomfortable for me to open up to strangers about this but getting advice matters more.

I'm from the US, and the guy I met is from New Zealand. We met online a little over two years ago, but our friendship/relationship started a year ago. I was shocked to have struck up a friendship with him so quickly and randomly. We were just a few months into our friendship, and he told me he loved me. About 6 months later, I asked him if he wanted us to be in a relationship. I guess it seemed like the relationship started way before we "officially" considered ourselves in one. Since the start of our friendship, we talked through messaging daily and did video chat about twice a week.

Last March, he got a job which was the same time we started the relationship. The first month of his job was fine. I think he was working about 4 days a week. We still had time to see one another and talk for the most part. But all the sudden his hours went up. He started working almost every day of the week. It took all our time away. Not just our time, but his personal time as well. It really made us hit a rough patch... it changed our friendship and communication completely. We never fought, but it was like we were strangers. It was like I didn't even know the guy I was talking to. He wasn't expressing his emotions, he stopped talking about himself and his life... I didn't understand. After a while, I started to bring up the issues way too often. I wasn't meaning to make things worse by doing so, I was trying to talk it out with him and figure something out. One day, I just completely emotionally lost it and felt like we needed to get away from one another for a while. So how was I going to do that? Well, I deactivated some of my social accounts without even telling him. I know, it was extremely immature of me. After he had woken up that day, he noticed what I had done and contacted me through Skype, crying for literally hours expressing to me how he had no idea what to do to change things, how to get more time for himself and with me, and how he loved me and always wanted to be with me (he would be extremely embarrassed if he knew I just said that ). This is going to sound awful, but I was glad to see emotion coming from him after weeks of him acting like a robot. Though, I was crying too because I was stressed and hated he was so hurt. That was the first time it seemed like we were making up.

I guess I was wrong because two months later, we ended the relationship (in August). After that conversation, things just got worse. I ended up telling him we needed to decide whether or not a relationship was right for us in this situation. We both agreed to end it. I don't want to call it a break up, because that sounds so cliche and it doesn't feel like that's what it really was. He told me he was feeling confused and wondered if he's relationship material, though he still cared for me, wanted to be with me, and meet me. It was a pretty calm ending for the most part. Though, a couple of weeks after that, it just hit me. It got really hard for me for a couple of months. Finally, I started to calm down about it all and that's when I started to realize and learn things I wouldn't have if we hadn't of ended our relationship. Looking back now, I realize that I expected our relationship to be a certain way... I expected us to be a certain way... I expected a lot. That was so wrong of me... no wonder he felt so stressed and pressured. I kept trying to get everything back to how it was in the past. I should have had my mind on the "now".

Now it's January and currently, we still talk often through messaging and lately our conversations have been better. I've mainly let him be the one to contact me first. Our relationship/"break up" has not been brought up once... and neither have I brought up my love for him. I've wanted to, but I've made a point not to which I'm sure has surprised him. Honestly, I still have moments where I wonder if I'm ever going to get a chance with him again and to meet him. I wonder if it was a mistake for us to have ended the relationship. I wonder if he still cares for me and genuinely wants to talk to me even though I know deep down he does. There are times when the situation doesn't bother me that bad and other times when I get extremely overwhelmed with it. Lately, I've really had it on my mind of wanting to start over with him. I've wanted to bring it up to him but I know it's too early to do that... it's only been about 5 months since we ended the relationship. Even if I did bring it up, it probably wouldn't be the right time anyway.

Well, that's what's happened. I want to know what I should do. Do I just find some peace, wait patiently, and see what happens? If I were to bring up the possibility to start over with him in terms of a relationship, how long should I wait and what should I say to him? Also, I want to make it clear, it no way do I blame this on him. No one, not even him, will know the positive impact he has made on me, my heart, and my life.

I apologize for how long this post was. Any advice will be greatly appreciated... I defiantly need it. Thank you



***EDIT: Out of the people who have responded here so far have said that I should bring it up to him. I'm worried I may approach the topic wrong and in return, make him stressed and push him farther away from me.
I don't want to talk to him about it over messaging because trust me, it would get tense. Video chat seems like the only option where we could actually have a calm conversation and understand one another. But, it's been so long since we've asked to see each other... I don't want to be too forward and say something like "I need to tell you something, can we video chat sometime?" because I know that would be a huge turn off to him. Should I say "I haven't seen you in a while"? Maybe that would drop a hint without it sounding too pressuring.

[Sarah96]

I can relate with the whole situation of him starting a new job. For the first half of our relationship my boyfriend wasn't working, then a few months ago he started a new job. We went from having a ton of time together and always being able to talk to much less time as he started working and his hours increased quickly. It was very difficult at first, transitioning and losing time together. He was pretty tired often from working a lot and it did start arguments because I wanted more time to talk and I missed him and he couldn't do anything about it since he needs to work. After a few weeks we got used to it, it was difficult though. It's just about working together to find time and understanding each other. You have to understand that he must be tired from working and having his personal time taken away. It's hard to maintain a healthy relationship if you aren't taking care of yourself first.

As far as you discussing your relationship, only you can know when the right time is. Talk to him and let him know how you feel, it's the only way you're going to get anything accomplished. Maybe in the months that you have spent apart he has gotten used to his work schedule and has figured out himself a little better to understand what he needs in a relationship, and it appears that you also realized what you need in a relationship. I would suggest just bringing it up and seeing what happens. If you two are still talking occasionally and have maintained a friendship, I don't see anything wrong with bringing it up.

I wish you the best!

[p_b82]

the adage of not getting anything out of life, unless you grab it is true in this case I feel.

If you sit and say nothing, you are going to wonder what if's and what might be's. So I would suggest you do talk to him.

However, it might just be that the conversation goes no-where and this is just a case of drawing a line in the sand, and chalking it up to experience. LDR's are not easy, and some people regardless on how they feel, just can't do them

[ansley]

I can relate with the whole situation of him starting a new job. For the first half of our relationship my boyfriend wasn't working, then a few months ago he started a new job. We went from having a ton of time together and always being able to talk to much less time as he started working and his hours increased quickly. It was very difficult at first, transitioning and losing time together. He was pretty tired often from working a lot and it did start arguments because I wanted more time to talk and I missed him and he couldn't do anything about it since he needs to work. After a few weeks we got used to it, it was difficult though. It's just about working together to find time and understanding each other. You have to understand that he must be tired from working and having his personal time taken away. It's hard to maintain a healthy relationship if you aren't taking care of yourself first.

As far as you discussing your relationship, only you can know when the right time is. Talk to him and let him know how you feel, it's the only way you're going to get anything accomplished. Maybe in the months that you have spent apart he has gotten used to his work schedule and has figured out himself a little better to understand what he needs in a relationship, and it appears that you also realized what you need in a relationship. I would suggest just bringing it up and seeing what happens. If you two are still talking occasionally and have maintained a friendship, I don't see anything wrong with bringing it up.

I wish you the best!

Okay, it's nice to have someone here who can relate to my situation. I do know that he's busy and tired, we talked about that many times.

I actually haven't even thought of the idea that he's possibly gotten used to his work schedule and maybe understanding more what he wants/needs for a relationship. Check out the edit in my post. Thank you for responding.

[ansley]

the adage of not getting anything out of life, unless you grab it is true in this case I feel.

If you sit and say nothing, you are going to wonder what if's and what might be's. So I would suggest you do talk to him.

However, it might just be that the conversation goes no-where and this is just a case of drawing a line in the sand, and chalking it up to experience. LDR's are not easy, and some people regardless on how they feel, just can't do them

You may be right... I'll try to talk to him about it at some point. Check out the edit in my post. Thanks for responding