how to be there for him during periods of depression

[ronjaandbirk]

Hello all, I'm trying to make this as short as I can, so basically this is my situation:

From the beginning when we met on my boyfriend went through periods of being really down and depressed, and it always had a tendency to escalate in drinking too much, lashing out on people (including me, but that has now stopped since a considerable time luckily) and acts he later regretted.
I've dealt with depression and even suicidal tendencies myself before and I always thought I could be a good balance to his life in those situations because I can understand him and his struggles because I battled it (mostly succesful) myself.

recently tho it has reached new levels of low and I don't really know how to help him anymore. He has days of hardly getting out of bed, drinks too much alcohol and gets nothing done with his life. He has a horrible unstable sleeping pattern and thinks so low of himself, I sometimes have to cry because I feel so horrible about the things he says about himself. When he is around people it gets better, because then he has to actually do things and interact so he gets distracted, but he lives alone so he is only with his family during some weekends and holidays.

I think his state lately is due to him starting to study a subject that doesnt really interest him, just to study anything to get the student support that enabled him to move out of his mothers home. He didnt really make friends there after half a year so he is lonely. He also has a tendency that the people he does end up getting together with aren't the best people, they are often inconsiderate and don't really understand him, so he hardly has good friendships to rely on.
I blame his family aswell, because they are all very success orientated and succesful themselves, so they expect him to do well... which he clearly isn't due to him missing alot of classes because he doesn't get up in time or at all. It's putting alot of stress on him.

He is the artist type and basically only wants to do art with his life but everyone knows how hard it is to make money with that these days and his family wouldnt be supportive. It's especially hard because he mainly focuses on music, and its almost impossible to earn any money with that. He tried to just get any job before he started studying, but he applied for a year and didn't get anything. I'm from an artist family and was raised with the idea that you can always make your passion your life somehow, even if it's tough, so please restrain from any comments like "he has to get over his peter pan syndrome and be realistic".. this is not the problem here. I'm only trying to explain why I think he feels so hopeless and pointless.

I simply don't know how to help him when he is so depressed. I think the key to battling depression is proactive and to prove yourself that you can actually do things. I am encouraging him to get professional advice but he is still in the relcutant phase concerning that. if I was close to him I'd just try to get him out and active as much as possible and take him to walks etc, just I'm obviously not, so I really am at loss at what to do. I can't really do anything other than be there for him... only that I'm not THERE for him. I'm trying to be there for myself aswell, I know it can get dangerous esp. for people that have depressive episodes themselves to get too involved, so I have an eye on that, but its really starting to eat me up seeing him in this state.

I'm sorry this got so lengthy, I just tried to explain our situation as good as I could, and now I wonder if anyone has any tip or experiences how to deal with depression long distance... I just needed to vent a little aswell...

thank you for reading.

[differentcountries]

I noticed you said something about his sleep patterns. He could sleep weird because he is depressed, but lack of good sleep can also make people depressed. Especially if he is reluctant to do something about depression, at least he can look into help for his sleep. They always ask about depression, drugs and alcohol (even Coffee) at sleep examination so things will be covered through that.

I know it is not easy when art is your passion and so on. I feel the best way to go about it realistically is to think it could be a part time job. I have artist friends who have other jobs that pay more and do art on the side BUT they don't hate their day job, they found something all right for them to do, with nice colleagues.

[ronjaandbirk]

tnanks for your reply!

yeah I know, I try to get him to do sleep examination at least but its the same with everything, he says "yeah... maybe..." and then does nothing. he usually shuts down a bit if I try to encourage him to seek help, I know he would completely shut down normally he only tries to be open because his shutting me out has led to big problems between us in the past. I am glad he stilly is trying so hard for us.

As for the job thing, exactly that was his plan in the beginning and still is, the problem is that in sweden he simply didnt get anything without a degree or other education. He is thinking of coming to germany to do that here, because the chance of simple jobs here is much bigger, but in his current state I think a decision this big isn't something we can do...

I don't know. it's 2 am here and I guess I should sleep now, but this worry is eating me up I miss him too its like when he goes through these phases some parts of him just vanish into apathy.

[differentcountries]

Well, it doesn't have to be the most through sleep examination. O used to have big sleep problems (due to an illness) and I got artifictional sleep hormones. This time of year, a light mascine might help for seasonal depression. None are complicated nor expensive (I used to rent a mascine before buying my own).

If he can study in Germany, it might be an option to do that and then maybe get a part time job? That way, it is not completely closing the distance while he could still get a real feel of it.

I hear you on the missing parts of him. Both my guys go through periods where they are not that present or available and it can be tough. We have to hope for better days.

[Honour]

I have depression myself, and my SO knows all too well that I can have my severe moments. It's all due to 2 illnesses on my end.

You mentioned he is studying a subject he dislikes. What subject is it? Can he switch from one subject to another? When I started university last year, I was studying Computer Science to begin with, but the maths-based questions and ridiculously stupid lecturers put me off the subject for life. I was able to switch to the Geography (BSc) course I'm studying now and I've never been happier. I too get student support of some kind, as well as aid towards my illnesses; for his depression/issues, he might be able to seek help himself.

Depression is a b**** to cope with, both for the sufferer and his/her loved ones. Finding your way there is difficulty, but finding your way out is even harder. I understand how it's eating you out better than you might think; my advice for this might be to seek some form of help yourself, counselling perhaps? Not that it worked for me, however, I know for others it's not always necessarily like this. Talk to a friend, or family, someone. Heck, it could even be me if you want. I'm all ears if you want to PM me any time.

Whatever you do, DO NOT suffer in silence alone. Be there for him, yes, at the end of the day he needs you, loves you and is probably at odds with how best to come out of his current situation. But also remember to take care of yourself.

[Miasmata]

Apologies if I missed this in your post, but is he seeing professional help at the moment? It is wonderful that you support him and are there for him, but to get and stay out of depression successfully, people need a proper support network. The more shoulders you can divide the weight on, the better for everyone involved. I don't wanna play armchair psychologist, but it definitely sounds like he needs more help if he can't take care of himself right and drinks too much (alcohol can definitely intensify the symptoms of depression). There is no shame in getting the help you and him need.

[ronjaandbirk]

You mentioned he is studying a subject he dislikes. What subject is it? Can he switch from one subject to another?

Not really. He doesnt even want to study I think he just does it for the student support money and because he can't get a job. Hes subject is allright and I doubt there would be anything that would interest hime more...
And thanks, yeah I know I have to take care of myself aswell and I do have an eye on that.

Apologies if I missed this in your post, but is he seeing professional help at the moment? It is wonderful that you support him and are there for him, but to get and stay out of depression successfully, people need a proper support network. The more shoulders you can divide the weight on, the better for everyone involved. I don't wanna play armchair psychologist, but it definitely sounds like he needs more help if he can't take care of himself right and drinks too much (alcohol can definitely intensify the symptoms of depression). There is no shame in getting the help you and him need.

you are absolutely right, but this is exactly the problem. He has noone to talk to besides me, he doesnt trust his family or friends, and I think he hasn't admitted it to himself enough yet/doesnt believe in shrinks to actually seek help. He is a really guarded person and the fact he talks to me is almost amircale in itself..

I of course encourage him to seek help, but what am I to do, I couldnt even go to an appointment with him at the moment, I think he might do it if I'd go with him. But this way just nothing happens...

If anyone has any ideas how I could get him to seek help from other people, at least his sister or another friend I would appreciate them...

[differentcountries]

I don't know if it exists in Sweden, but at least in Norway there are self help available that cost very little: phone apps, online courses, mental help hotlines, physical courses where you might bring someone. And also pasient organisations have courses.

[Honour]

At the end of the day, it's down to him to go and see the right people. No one can force him, no one can make him do it. You can only do so much, as I've found from my own experiences and been told many a time. I originally began high education at the age of 18, pursuing a career as a nurse. Before I left, one thing I was told by a staff nurse was, "You can only give the patients the information they need, and direct them in the correct manner. You can give them the treatments, save their lives and give them the correct aftercare. At the end of the day, however, whether they listen to your advice, whether they take the initiative and continue what we have done for them... that is their decision. We can't influence them, nor can we force them. It's just the way it is." At the end of the day, you can encourage your boyfriend, you can give him a pep talk, you can tell him this is where you need to go, this is what you need to do, etc... But if the willpower isn't there, it dissipates all wants.

What I'm saying is... you alone, if not for anyone else but you, you are the one he should keep in mind. He's your boyfriend. Your lover. The one you love. You are his girlfriend. The one he loves. Yet he has lost his way through no fault of his own, or perhaps because he is at fault of something. I can't say, because I don't know the exact circumstances. Honestly... I think you should remind him who you are to him. Let him know the true depths of your feelings and worries. And if he doesn't want to pay attention, make him pay attention. Make him see. Because if you love this guy as much as it sounds you do, it may fall on you to remind him again what he could be close to losing.

[ronjaandbirk]

I don't know if it exists in Sweden, but at least in Norway there are self help available that cost very little: phone apps, online courses, mental help hotlines, physical courses where you might bring someone. And also pasient organisations have courses.

I know, and I'm looking at those and try to fnd my way through them with my limited svenska and the friendly help of google translate and another swedish friend. I'm hoping I will manage to at least take some action with him when I'm there in a little over a month, even tho it seems a long time until then... O.O
Thank you DC for your words!

@Honour: Thank you for writing that! I really appreciate it and will take it to heart.
I also am this kind of person that always wants to fix things, the sooner the better and I think I also just need more patience at the moment.

[Honour]

If you're going to be seeing him again soon, this is sure to lift up his spirits, and will give you the opportunity to take into consideration what I've said. You would have the perfect chance to remind him what he's missing out on. Good luck, and hope things work out.

[Honour]

By the way. Not sure if this is any help, but randomly browsing through the forums brought this thread to my attention.

https://members.lovingfromadistance....1079-A-tragedy

[Miasmata]

Yeah, you definitely can't force him to see a professional. Encourage him and remind him that you are there for him, but don't expect him to follow through. He needs to learn to open up and seek help, and you are helping him more with that already than you think. Don't forget to take care of yourself, too! You deserve care and support as much as he does. Get help and positive stuff from friends, don't just rely on him. Pursue hobbies and things that are good for you. You can only support your partner if you are well off enough yourself. I hope he gets help and can improve his wellbeing, you both deserve it!

[Ambert]

It's really important to have a good sleeping cycle. Maybe you could help him with that, tho differentcountries it right: the one can be the cause for the other.

Just please remind yourself that you are his girlfriend and not his therapist. Try to do fun stuff with him (the best way you can, maybe play a fun game.) You should definitely focus on this. Of course its OK to help him, but you dont want your band to change into a Therapist - Cliënt relationship fully <i don't know if it is hard to understand what i mean, but i hope you do :P>

Just be his girlfriend, that's all you can do; be supportive, be open, but also be positive. It is not OK to have the depression as the only subject to talk about in your relationship. Again, be his girlfriend.

lots of love and good luck

[randomnerd]

As others have said, you can't rescue him. All you can do is be there for him but ultimately he has to be the one to do the work to get better. It sucks being apart from your SO when you know they are having a hard time. Take care of yourself so you can have the strength to be there for him but don't let it be your entire relationship. That's not fair to either of you. Good luck!