Apart again

[LovedUp]

My SO was over here travelling in Europe since November, he spent probably 2 whole months here in my apartment in between trips... We met up in a couple of different countries for long weekends... then he spent the last 1.5 months here with me before going home to the US yesterday. It's so hard being here alone again after spending all that time together. The place is so quiet and I miss him like crazy. Our plans are for me to visit the US for 90 days in summer, and we will road trip. I will give up my job and put my stuff in storage. So I need to spend those months saving like mad and selling things to make enough... which gives me something to focus on.... but 4.5 months apart! How will I bear it?! And I'm nervous about coming back to no apartment (my lease ends in July) and no job, not knowing what our next step will be. I guess I just want to put it out there, advice or comforting words.... My heart is aching so bad being apart again.

[snow_girl]

I get love makes you do crazy things, but I feel like you are way past the age of abandoning all responsibility for a guy. You are going to come back to no home and no job, do you know how, for lack of a better word, dumb that sounds? You're going to have to build yourself back up again. I lived in England for two years and I know that it isn't always easy to get a job and rent is stupidly expensive. What are you going to do when you can't get one without the other and have troubles finding either? What will your plans be to see you SO again? I can only imagine if you are planning to save like mad for the next 4.5 months you probably don't have much of a cushion to fall back on so the reality of going to visit him again any time in the near future after the visit will probably be pretty slim. I can't tell you what to do, but I would seriously think this plan over.

[TwoThree]

I don't really want to come off as preachy, but... I see my partner every four or so months (at best). I survive just fine. Abandoning everything just for a three month visit is something people barely out of uni do, you know. Wouldn't it be better to save that money for actually closing the distance instead of just living for the day? Sorry for being cynical, but we don't really live in a world where jobs just fall out the sky, especially for people our age.

You should really think all of this through, and focus on your future with your SO.

[R&R]

I have to agree with the others. You don't give up everything and not have anything solid to come back to (job, home) just for a visit. You are old enough to understand being responsible. I can understand it being hard being apart but you also have to be rational and not let your emotions override common sense.

4.5 months may seem like a long time but there are many who don't see their SO's even as often as that and some that haven't even met yet. My 19 year old daughter only gets to see her SO once a year due to his currently military deployment and she handles it very maturely. Take a step back, breathe and focus on what is more realistic in visiting your SO.

[farandaway]

I can understand when you're in love you want to spend time with your SO any way possible. I'm always the irrational one. I swear I have moments I miss him so much I'm close to leaving everything behind and worrying about the future later. Luckily my SO is rational and keeps my feet on the ground. Also I have my business and kids to think about. I would also recommend talking to your SO about the future and what happens after the summer. If you two are committed and can make plans together then maybe doing long term planning might ease your longing for him.

[LovedUp]

Thank you all for your replies, your frankness is appreciated. I guess there is plenty for me to think about. I think because until recently I've been in a long (15 yr) relationship with someone suffering from depression which severely restricted me having any kind of normal life, I feel like I want to take a chance and have a proper adventure. But it's true that it will be impossible to rent a flat without a job. If I can stay with a friend and/or parents for definite for a while at least I can job hunt. My SO is kind of impulsive so he has made me believe that it will all just work out.... I know this might not be realistic. On the other hand, if we were to 'close the gap' by me moving to the States, that would be even more of a crazy risk... marrying and giving up my entire life. I think all of this LDR stuff involves sacrifices and risks somewhere along the line. Your thoughts are very welcome.

[p_b82]

I don't know what sort of work you do, and whether your company offers this, but what about asking them for a sabbatical?

It might not be for the full 90 days - but an extended period of absence without pay, but a job to come back to still.

Finding a place to live is a lot easier than a job, but if you are settled where you are, why uproot yourself for such a temporary measure?

You BF sounds like he lives in the clouds and thinks everything will turn out for the best whatever happens - and that is fine to an extent; but you must temper that attitude with the fact that the real world very often does not end up that way - despite our best intentions.

I would seriously suggest you really re-think what is right for you here, yes if you relocate to the US that will be a big deal - but if your BF is so unattached and free floating, why does he not move to you in the UK?

Being impulsive is great and liberating, especially when it is against nature, or previous experiences - but don't be hasty and make a decision you will regret longer term without seriously acknowledging the risks you are taking.

[LovedUp]

I was actually thinking of putting it to my boss in those terms... this is what I want to do, and if you would hold my job for me that would be great.... but it may not be possible that way. My lease is up anyway and I don't want to stay where I am so the moving part is not a problem in itself, it is just an opportunity to do something while I don't have rent to worry about. If they were able to hold my job open for me that would be absolutely perfect, I wouldn't have to worry too much as long as I could stay with someone for a couple of weeks while I find a flat. That is the ideal scenario. However, I don't want to mention it to them at this early stage as I don't want it to influence the months I still have working here, it's a tricky one.

I have kind of looked at it with the thought that you regret the things you DON'T do, and the opportunity to travel in the US for 3 months is pretty amazing, especially spending it with by BF of course. And I suppose I haven't really considered that it might be harder to find a good job considering my age... I don't really think of my age in those terms... but I have thought that I don't want to get to 50 or 60 and be in the same place doing the same thing day in day out having passed up opportunities to really experience the things I could get out of taking a chance.

He can actually apply for a UK ancestry visa as his parents are British, and we have discussed this, and talked about possibilities, but I know he doesn't *really* want to live here. This would be the easiest option for us, and would mean we wouldn't have to rush into marriage. It's something we have talked about as a possibility after my trip. And yes, I have considered that it may seem like it's me taking all the risks :/

I have had all of these doubts and worries about making such a big leap for 3 months which will no doubt fly past... my heart and my head are fighting over it. I do feel like being impulsive for once in my life and taking a chance on this. But it will involve being absolutely prepared for when I get back - if the job sabbatical doesn't work out then I will have to have my CV in tip top condition and start to contact people while I am still away, give myself a chance to get started again.

I think my friends are probably thinking along the same lines as all of you... I will need as many opinions as possible before I make a leap. I need to weigh up the pros and cons. This is all extremely helpful.

[differentcountries]

If you know you will be away for 2 or 3 months you can actually prepare for that in advance; get a new flat lease that starts when you get back, ask for sabbatical at work or apply for a job while already in this one (that is often a perk). Otherwise you risk going into debt when you return or making things practically difficult for yourself.

[R&R]

Thank you all for your replies, your frankness is appreciated. I guess there is plenty for me to think about. I think because until recently I've been in a long (15 yr) relationship with someone suffering from depression which severely restricted me having any kind of normal life, I feel like I want to take a chance and have a proper adventure. But it's true that it will be impossible to rent a flat without a job. If I can stay with a friend and/or parents for definite for a while at least I can job hunt. My SO is kind of impulsive so he has made me believe that it will all just work out.... I know this might not be realistic. On the other hand, if we were to 'close the gap' by me moving to the States, that would be even more of a crazy risk... marrying and giving up my entire life. I think all of this LDR stuff involves sacrifices and risks somewhere along the line. Your thoughts are very welcome.

I've watched a few people on here go through Visa processes to be able to move and it is a long, expensive journey. I honestly only know what I've read on here (both my SO and I are in the US, so I don't have to deal with the Visa process) but if this is even something you are considering, I would suggest finding the threads on it and starting to take a look.

[Miasmata]

Moving to the US is definitely possible, but it's often a gruelling and expensive process indeed. Racism and other hangups can also come into play. My best friend moved from the UK to the US, and her now husband was born in the US, but he's of Mexican descent and lives in Texas, which didn't bode well for them. My friend's green card was delayed heavily for a multitude of reasons, one more questionable than the other. They even did repeated checks and interviews with her husband's family, even though they are all legal citizens in the US and have been so for decades.

It's a journey that needs to be planned and dealt with properly, but one you can pull off if you make it work. My friend couldn't be happier than she is now, despite all the obstacles. Plenty of people make it work, it's just crucial that you are as smart as possible about the whole ordeal. For more info, this community has lots of helpful guides and advice on the issue: https://www.visajourney.com/

Consider your options very carefully. Being impulsive is not going to help you with this. Take your time educating yourself and being honest about what you want and can do. Best of luck!

[Ahava]

And here's me feeling bad for spending 117 € at Ikea on rational stuff (bookshelf, plates, towels, glasses, picture frames).
Still no countdown at best it will be 4,5 months apart (all in all) and at worst 7 months...

[LovedUp]

Well, things are working out pretty nicely.... my boss has agreed to give me a sabbatical at work, so I have my trip all booked - 3 months road tripping in by SO's RV. I'm moving out of my flat in a few weeks, staying with my parents for a couple of weeks before I go, then finding a new flat when I come back. I've been so busy, sorting out all my belongings to go into storage, there's lots to organise. I'm so relieved I have a job to come back to, I can enjoy my time in the US, and while I'm there we'll have a lot of time to discuss our next move So now, the wait is down from 4.5 months to 6 weeks! Can't wait!

[differentcountries]

Well, things are working out pretty nicely.... my boss has agreed to give me a sabbatical at work, so I have my trip all booked - 3 months road tripping in by SO's RV. I'm moving out of my flat in a few weeks, staying with my parents for a couple of weeks before I go, then finding a new flat when I come back. I've been so busy, sorting out all my belongings to go into storage, there's lots to organise. I'm so relieved I have a job to come back to, I can enjoy my time in the US, and while I'm there we'll have a lot of time to discuss our next move So now, the wait is down from 4.5 months to 6 weeks! Can't wait!

That sounds great. You are lucky that you have somewhere to stay. Nothing wrong with a prolonged vacation as long as you can support yourself along the way .

[LovedUp]

I have been working over-time every day for months and selling as much as I can on ebay... every time I feel like treating myself I have to remind myself that it will be much better spent on my trip. It's been hard but it will be worth it!