He is scared for us to meet

[ansley]

I'm from the U.S. and my long distance friend (once was my boyfriend) is from New Zealand. We were in a serious relationship but we have never met in person. He got a very time fulfilling job so it got hard to work out having time together (especially if you add that on top of the time difference). We ended up ending our relationship after not knowing what to do in terms of getting time together. We both agreed at the time that we still cared for one another and wanted to meet one day.

It's been about a year since, and I decided to message him the other day to ask him if the idea of us meeting was something he had moved on from or was still open minded about. He proceeded to tell me that he didn't know. He says he thinks it would be cool, but at the same time he's scared that I might be really different in person and that we might not get along. I told him I understand his fear, but he doesn't know what the outcome of us meeting could be.
He once knew a girl online who was not completely honest with who she was. I have a feeling that has still stuck with him and where some of the fear of us meeting is stemming from. But at the same time, he knows I've been real and honest with him. He used to thank me and praise me for that constantly. I also know that he still cares for me and doesn't want to possibly ruin anything we already have. He obviously needs some time to come to a conclusion on meeting... I figure.

Has anything similar happened between you and your significant other? I understand the fears of meeting, but I feel like he is letting his fears control him. Is there any way I can comfort him about it or should I let him have his time to think before I bring it up again? We have stayed in contact almost every day through messaging since the break up... I definitely don't want to scare him away. Any advice would mean a lot to me!

[merlinkitty]

I'm going through this right now. Or a version of it. The only advice I can offer is do not chase him, do not pay for anything for him (especially airline tickets as I'm in danger of getting stiffed $1100 because I paid for them), do not try to fix his fear. This is his problem. In my case, he let his fear eat him alive and he has made me look like an utter fool.

I am definitely a Debbie Downer right now, but just word of experience, be smart. This is a little flag he's waving and you just need to be aware

[xjustxinxtimex]

I have not been through this so maybe I am not qualified to answer but, my thoughts are that you should talk to him about this. You need to ask him if he feels like he will ever be in a comfort zone to meet. Ask him what you can do to ease his concerns. If you keep getting the same answers and run around then it might be time to do something else. The main thing is to consider yourself. You have a life too! If he is never going to meet you then there is no reason to cling to the relationship unless that level of relationship is all your wanting which I can tell is not the case. It has been over a year already. There has to come a time when its time to step up or move on. Granted it would be a lot different if it was a financial situation or something like that preventing visitation but it just seems more like he has accepted his fears instead of overcoming them.

Saying that though, I do agree with merlinkitty. If he not willing to make steps to meet you then I wouldn't do anything just for him. Anyways, that's just my opinion. I wish you good luck.

[Moon]

Apologies in advance, because I think I'm about to give you advice that you didn't ask for

To me, it kind of sounds like you're holding on to something that's no longer there; he knows it, which is why he's making excuses about you visiting. Could I be wrong? Sure, totally, I'm advising from the info in one post. The fact that you talk everyday and are willing to buy a VERY expensive plane ticket and fly halfway around the world kind of points to that. You broke up, it's time to let it go. It's OK to be friends if you really have to, but it sounds like you're still hoping for more. You would be better off limiting communication for quite a while and see how it goes. I know you won't agree with me, but I'm pretty sure this isn't about his fears getting the better of him, but more of him not wanting to pursue a romantic relationship with you right now. By communicating everyday, you aren't giving him any chance to miss you, it just gives him all the benefits of a relationship, without having to be in one. Anyway, I hope you'll consider my words before posting how mistaken I am, and I wish you luck

[ansley]

merlinkitty, I wasn't planning on paying for his flight ticket and I agree that the fear is his problem. Thanks for your response and good luck to you!

xjustxinxtimex, I thought about telling him that if there is anything I can do to ease his fears, I would try. But just like merlinkitty said... the fear is his issue. But, I'm not necessarily trying to fix his issue... but mainly just to let him know I'm here if he needs any help. Thank you.

Moon, I didn't go into details on this thread because I didn't want it to be super long. We definitely do have a very deep unique connection... and I believe it's still there. I'm not saying you're wrong... I agree with you on a lot of your points. Also, I told him that I wasn't asking for a relationship right now. There have been times where we haven't talked for a few weeks. He's usually the one who reaches out to me first 95% of the time (not complaining) but maybe we should try not talking for a month or so. Thanks

[Ella85]

Yeah my boyfriend got really worried about meeting in person. He was worried we wouldn't have the same connection in person and wanted to leave it until the summer. But I said lets meet sooner rather than later. Things were perfect and we got a lot closer in those 2 weeks I spent with him. Next time I'm taking my daughter with me for the summer. I won't go into detail about why he was worried because it's personal. But in general it's really scary meeting someone you care about so much. What if that person was lying to you about who they are, etc. If you have past issues it brings it all up.

I'm glad you're at least being cautious about it and I really wouldn't push it. When my boyfriend said he wasn't sure, could I afford to come now and in the summer etc. I said, I don't have to come but if you want me to the offer is there and I can afford to do both and I would like to see you. Gave him time to think about it. It's a big step from going online to meeting in person.

Edit: Realised this was 14 days ago and apologize for a late reply.

[MrHunnyB]

Ansley you are 19 and you are in the prime of your life and have so many opportunities to meet the perfect partner. If you are exclusive, then you may miss some of those opportunities because you are focused on someone whom you may never meet. And if you're not exclusive and are dating other people, then those people will not be getting your full attention and it could hurt those relationships. If at least he wanted to meet, then you could both focus your efforts on how to do that and how to move forward, but it's not clear that he even wants to make that initial step. I realize your initial post was a little while ago. Has there been any change in the situation since you first posted?

[ansley]

MrHunnyB, Thank you for your reply.
I am not dating. I know and meet many guys, I'm just the type who rarely gets romantically interested in someone. Dating just isn't something I want to be apart of. I'm quite the loner, you could say... But I prefer that. And no, nothing new has happened since my post. I feel stuck. Should I ask him if he's thought more about it?

[austexas24]

MrHunnyB, Thank you for your reply.
I am not dating. I know and meet many guys, I'm just the type who rarely gets romantically interested in someone. Dating just isn't something I want to be apart of. I'm quite the loner, you could say... But I prefer that. And no, nothing new has happened since my post. I feel stuck. Should I ask him if he's thought more about it?

Ansley,

I agree a lot with what Moon had to say. Do you know if he's seeing someone else, or had a relationship in that year you both split up? I think the best thing you can do is to move on and see what else is out there. As other's have mentioned you're young and life will go on. I thought I would never meet anyone again after my first serious relationship, turns out I met another girl 2 months later and had the best relationship of my life. I'm assuming you two have used skype right and seen one another?

[ansley]

Ansley,

I agree a lot with what Moon had to say. Do you know if he's seeing someone else, or had a relationship in that year you both split up? I think the best thing you can do is to move on and see what else is out there. As other's have mentioned you're young and life will go on. I thought I would never meet anyone again after my first serious relationship, turns out I met another girl 2 months later and had the best relationship of my life. I'm assuming you two have used skype right and seen one another?

No, he has not. He constantly contacts me and asks me how I'm doing and asks me about things going on in my life.
I do completely understand that I'm young and I could find someone else. But also know that I have found someone who I care about and know I could work out with. He is a very amazing guy, and we have a very deep and genuine connection. I am willing to see what happens. I'm not in a hurry to try to get in a relationship with him right now. I am just trying to figure out if him and I are going to get anywhere. I would give you guys so many more details of this situation (I know it would give much more insight) but I don't feel comfortable putting it all out there on the internet. He told me his feelings on this situation is like a yo-yo.

And yes, we used to use Skype all the time.

[austexas24]

No, he has not. He constantly contacts me and asks me how I'm doing and asks me about things going on in my life.
I do completely understand that I'm young and I could find someone else. But also know that I have found someone who I care about and know I could work out with. He is a very amazing guy, and we have a very deep and genuine connection. I am willing to see what happens. I'm not in a hurry to try to get in a relationship with him right now. I am just trying to figure out if him and I are going to get anywhere. I would give you guys so many more details of this situation (I know it would give much more insight) but I don't feel comfortable putting it all out there on the internet. He told me his feelings on this situation is like a yo-yo.

And yes, we used to use Skype all the time.

I understand that connection. I've had it, will always have it with my ex, but I don't know if that means we will ever be together again. I think from what I've gathered is you're trying to give this relationship a real shot and see that if it's worth holding on to or moving on, is this correct? Honestly, from what I learned about my previous relationship is that LDR is a lot of work. It requires a lot of chances and risk taking to see if you and another person are meant to be, or worth going the distance for, and it's scary. I was fortunate enough to meet my ex here in Texas while she was on vacation, so the risk of my flying out to see her was minimized big time.

I don't think there's much advice anyone can give you on this matter without knowing the extent to why he may be nervous about meeting you. A year is a long time to go without ever meeting someone and honestly, his feelings could have changed from romantic, to one of friendship. I hope you two can meet but it sounds like he's held up on something and if he can't tell you why, or won't meet you, than maybe you just keep your mind open to the possibility that you two may not work out.

[whatruckus]

No, he has not. He constantly contacts me and asks me how I'm doing and asks me about things going on in my life.
I do completely understand that I'm young and I could find someone else. But also know that I have found someone who I care about and know I could work out with. He is a very amazing guy, and we have a very deep and genuine connection. I am willing to see what happens. I'm not in a hurry to try to get in a relationship with him right now. I am just trying to figure out if him and I are going to get anywhere. I would give you guys so many more details of this situation (I know it would give much more insight) but I don't feel comfortable putting it all out there on the internet. He told me his feelings on this situation is like a yo-yo.

And yes, we used to use Skype all the time.

Look, I've had "connections" and cared deeply for 2 other guys before I met my SO. My Ex, I thought I was I going to marry. It clearly didn't work. I was 19 when I dated my ex, we were together for 5 years. As crappy as it sounds, you will always find someone else.

You are only 19. If you keep holding on to this guy, who's so wishy-washy, you're seriously going to miss out on someone else who's actually going to take the time out to be exclusive with you and stay with you. Also, someone who's going to actually make the effort to come see you. You're tunnel-visioning yourself to this one guy. It didn't work the first time, and it was a year before you even decided to contact him again. If you don't open yourself up to other people, then yea, you're going to stay the way you are. A loner. Also, that's probably part of the reason why you're not particularly ever romantically interested in people. If you don't open up and let people in, how can you be interested in them? If you don't see what's in front of you, you're going to regret it.

[ansley]

I understand that connection. I've had it, will always have it with my ex, but I don't know if that means we will ever be together again. I think from what I've gathered is you're trying to give this relationship a real shot and see that if it's worth holding on to or moving on, is this correct? Honestly, from what I learned about my previous relationship is that LDR is a lot of work. It requires a lot of chances and risk taking to see if you and another person are meant to be, or worth going the distance for, and it's scary. I was fortunate enough to meet my ex here in Texas while she was on vacation, so the risk of my flying out to see her was minimized big time.

I don't think there's much advice anyone can give you on this matter without knowing the extent to why he may be nervous about meeting you. A year is a long time to go without ever meeting someone and honestly, his feelings could have changed from romantic, to one of friendship. I hope you two can meet but it sounds like he's held up on something and if he can't tell you why, or won't meet you, than maybe you just keep your mind open to the possibility that you two may not work out.

Yes, that is correct. And you're right, it does take a lot of work and risks.

To be honest, I don't even know the full reason he's worried to meet other than what he told me. But, it was still vague. He seems to be caught inbetween his thoughts. He's a very honest person... it's difficult for me to see him say that he's so confused. Should I ask him if he's thought anymore about it?

I will keep my mind open about that.

[austexas24]

Yes, that is correct. And you're right, it does take a lot of work and risks.

To be honest, I don't even know the full reason he's worried to meet other than what he told me. But, it was still vague. He seems to be caught inbetween his thoughts. He's a very honest person... it's difficult for me to see him say that he's so confused. Should I ask him if he's thought anymore about it?

I will keep my mind open about that.

I think whatruckus nailed it on the advice. I know you care deeply for this guy, but do you really want to see someone who is so hesitant to see you? My other thoughts are, is this feasible for either of you to actually do? I'm talking about money, career's, maybe parents in your case being worried, etc.

It could just be time to walk away, I think you need to figure out how he feels about you before you try to see each other. No one here is telling you to stop talking to him, or to stop being his friend, but as a romantic interest, it may be time to look somewhere else.