Need some advice - not sure about second meeting

[zelda]

Hi,

I'm a new member but I've been reading posts for a while. Here's the background of my LDR:
I met a guy from Japan on an international dating site in early November. Both of us are around 30 and looking for a marriage partner, so interested in serious relationships only. We discovered we had a lot in common, and he said he was going to come and see me (I live in South Carolina, USA) around New Year's. I agreed to meet. Then I didn't hear hardly anything from him for weeks, so I thought it was off. We had never said we were bf/gf or anything. And then, he sent me his travel itinerary. I was pretty surprised, but said "ok." I thought I'd just show him my city and be a tour guide, but our first meeting was surprisingly great and we had a wonderful time. I wanted to spend more time together afterward. He is a quiet guy, which I'm not quite used to, but very sweet and fun. Talking together in person was so much better than online, and I felt like we could have a great relationship and possibly pursue marriage eventually (I do want to find a marriage partner, but I'm not about to jump into something really quick--and neither is he). We spent only 2.5 days together and then he had to go back to Japan. We talked a lot via chat, email, and voice chat in the next couple of weeks, and I booked a flight for late April in the middle of January because I was so excited. He has a week off starting at the end of April, so we thought it would be great to get together then. Like a lot of single, young-ish Japanese people, he lives with his parents. They have a multi-generational house, meaning that it has ample bedrooms, two kitchens, separate bathrooms, etc. He has made it clear he wants to continue living with his parents since he is the oldest son and wants to keep the house in the family. I respect this and staying with them for a week seems like a good way to experience the dynamic there.

However.. fairly soon after I booked the flight, he went pretty silent again. I would write long emails to him and he wouldn't reply. He said he was extremely busy at work, which is understandable because he works for a government office and they were preparing their departmental budget for the year. I know that Japanese men work long hours.. but he also has weekends off. And I know he goes out with his friends and plays soccer and practices with his band, so why isn't there time to write a long, thoughtful email to me? He told me he has told his family about me and that I'm coming to visit, he's given me the bare basic details about his parents and other family members, and he says he loves me and wants me to live with them and come to love Japan as much as he does, etc. I am completely open to living in Japan again (I have before) and I speak the language (he doesn't speak English beyond some very basic things).

The things that concern me are:
-His sudden silences and lack of ongoing conversation. I have mentioned this many times, and he always goes back to the same things, like he restates his name and age and his brief life history and hobbies in an email. Maybe he just has minimal conversational skills? If so, could I live with a quiet guy?
-Whether or not I can really live with Japanese in-laws (Japanese mothers-in-law are notoriously strict)
-Whether I can make the leap to live in Japan. Although I've lived there before and speak the language proficiently, there are still many difficult cultural barriers and it's a fishbowl-type environment (I have blonde hair, blue eyes, and am tall compared to Japanese women) and I'm a bit shy.
-Whether I am wasting my time and money going there... money is pretty tight for me, and a plane ticket isn't cheap. It's refundable, and suddenly I'm on the fence about going..
-During his long silences, before our first meeting, I started talking to another guy who is also really great. He is also not local, but we are in the same country and time zone. We connect well on a conversational level through email, text, etc. We also haven't said we're bf/gf or anything, but I feel that soon I should end it with one or the other.

But on the other hand, I recently turned 30 without celebration (or any celebration since I was a kid) and got out of a bad marriage a little over a year ago, so I also feel like a vacation in one of my favorite places in the world is deserved and would be really, really fun, whether it leads to marriage or not. I also have plans to meet a friend there who I haven't seen in over 7 years. Plus, going to meet him for a second time might give me a better idea of whether we have real long-term/marriage potential...

I'm really waffling here and have no one to talk to about this in my life. I would appreciate any thoughts. Thanks for reading

[Moon]

I know that you've mentioned marriage and long term several times, but I think you're putting too much expectations on things right away. I would go to Japan, look at it more as a vacation, put pressure and expectations aside and just go and have a really good time. You might both want marriage, but it doesn't mean you're right for each other and a few visits should should bring clarity to you both. Just go and check it out, it might work and and it might not, at worst maybe you'll get a good friend out of the deal, but it takes a lot more than some chat and a quick visit to determine if he's marriage material. Relax and enjoy getting to know each other. Good luck.

[aniay]

You sound very down to earth with this. I think that your gut instinct is being right about this guy.
(Just imagine, if you decide to pursue this relationship, would you really stand being ignored for prolonged period of times?)

I agree with Moon, if you have the tickets, why not go and enjoy the holiday without any stress and pressure. If he is nice and you enjoy talking why not stay friends.

Trust your gut instinct. Good luck.

[p_b82]

I think you should go, treat it as a holiday, and talk about some of your concerns face to face.

I worked with a Japanese colleague when we had an office out there, and the hours that they sometimes put in, are just plain crazy, he might not have any energy left after a full week at work, and an active (& therefore busy) weekend.

If the no response really bugs you, then it could be a deal breaker - but I think if you talk it all through with him first then you should be in a better position to make a decision about things.....

Take marriage and 'seriousness' off the table for now, it can ruin things if you try and force it - I know that from experience....

[randomnerd]

I echo what everyone else has said. Just going there will answer some of your questions.

Enjoy your trip! Happy belated 30th :3

[zelda]

Thanks, everyone. I really feel better after reading the replies here. I waffle so much about things and always worry about whether I'm doing the right thing or not (troubled upbringing and a failed first marriage will do that, I suppose). Hearing everyone's thoughts is so helpful.

Moon, that's true. I'm absolutely not going to jump into marriage, but I know that will be something both of us are thinking about when I go. But I think you're right, I should let myself enjoy it more than put a lot of pressure on it.

aniay, that's what I've been agonizing over. I'm Type-A so of course I'm analyzing it to death, but I'm also concerned for what I think are legitimate reasons. Communication is really important to me. Although, he could just be crap at emailing/texting. I guess I'll find out when I spend more time with him

p_b82, he has said that exactly--he comes home from work and has no energy to do anything besides eat, bathe, and go to bed. It's understandable during the week, but on the weekend? Hm.. yes, it could be a deal-breaker for me personally.

Thanks, randomnerd I think I will go. And anyway I'll get to see a part of Japan I've never seen before, and reconnect with a friend from high school as a bonus.