Lots of issues

[teeeee]

Warning: do not read this post if it will trigger sexual assault related memories for you.



I'm sorry in advance if this topic shouldn't belong in this thread.

My SO and I have been together almost a year now. I'll admit that our relationship isn't the most healthy one.

Some background information. I got sexually assaulted when I was 18.

When I was 18 (before we got together), I was molested on a crowded train by a stranger who rubbed his d*** on my butt from behind. Because the train was so crowded, I couldn't move physically away from him. I was too scared and terrified to say anything. Tried stepping on his feet, tried inching forward, but he wouldn't stop and every time I inched forward a little, he would close the gap. He knew I was trying to get away so he kind of clammed down my arms at my side, holding me still. Entire ordeal lasted approximately 3 minutes.

That was a really traumatising experience for me, but I've since gotten over it. My boyfriend, on the other hand, knows about incident and every now and then, he would bring this topic up DESPITE me telling him time and again that I hate this topic and hate talking about it. Everytime he brings his topic up, he would demand to know the details of what happened. The questions that he asks me are basically the same each time:

Did he lift your dress up? Are you sure he didn't lift it up? Is his d*** huge? Is it bigger than mine? Why didn't you move away? Was it because you enjoyed it?

It upsets me so much that he just can't stop talking about this. The last time this topic got brought up was yesterday. Same questions asked, same accusations thrown at me (e.g. I didn't move away because I enjoyed what happened). I got really mad at him and told him I deserve an apology. After not talking for a few hours, I asked him if he feels he's in the wrong, he said (these are his exact words): "No, I don't. It happened to you. Nothing I can do about it. I'm fine now. Not gonna allow you to pull me back." I snapped then. HE was the one who wouldn't stop pulling me back to the past by bringing up this topic.

Another topic that he brings up over and over again and sometimes even joke about is my ex-boyfriend. He would talk about how he's not better than him, even though I've told him before that my ex-bf was horrible. He has asked me for reasons in the past about why he's better than my ex-bf and I've given him a list of reasons. He also asks me (a few times now) whether I regret breaking up with my ex-bf and whether I miss him. Each time I would tell him the true answer which is no. I understand that he's insecure and that could be why he keeps bringing this up. He's told me before that he would let go of my past and stop talking about my ex-bf. I got so mad earlier that I told him he's either going to stop bringing up my ex-bf or we're over. He picked the latter and then eventually changed his answer and said he will change his behaviours.

Sadly, these are just two of the problems we have. How can I get him to stop talking about these topics and to let go of my past? How can I help him to feel less insecure? Would really appreciate any help. Thank you.

[Unconditional]

Not only was his first initial response absolutely atrocious, but he is playing with fire bringing this up repeatedly as if I were in this situation it would tear down my trust for him more and more each and every time. I don't think it is necessarily his "insecurities" but rather his ignorance to put himself in your shoes in the situation because 99.9% of human beings can do that! He sounds ignorant and arrogant. Bless you for trying to make him feel better, but that is not the issue. From what I've read he sounds toxic and just overall not good for you. This probably is not the advice you were wishing and hoping to get, (and I enjoy seeing the best in people and giving them the benefit od the doubt but...) I suggest ending this and running away. How are you suppose to thoroughly get over something when he brings it up all the time and even accuses you of enjoying such a horrid act?! My SO would be enraged at the thought and would make sure I was okay. Never would he bring it up and purposefully joke about it. This guy is toxic.

[Moon]

OK, I'm gonna be very blunt here, and you can take it however you wish, but your boyfriend is an asshole. I have no doubt I'll get flamed for this, maybe deservedly so, but if it were me, the next time he brings it up and starts asking disgusting questions, I'd answer them in the exact way he doesn't want. I'd say "Yep, he was HUUUGGGEEE!", or "yeah, I lifted my skirt a bit, why not?". Keep in mind, I was the victim of an extremely brutal rape when I was a teenager, so yes, I do understand. Maybe acting as horrible and disgusting as him will show him how it feels since talking to him doesn't seem to be working. If he continues, leave him, he's too much of an insensitive, selfish jerk to have a girlfriend. He was not the victim here, YOU were and you do not deserve, and should not have to put up with, being victimized over and over again. Be strong and make yourself very, very clear. Good luck.

[Harlequin]

Everything about this post enrages me. You're fine, of course, but the way you've been/continue to be treated makes me want to breathe fire and destroy everything.

My knee-jerk reaction is to tell you to leave him. He's a fucking sick SOB to continue to violate your privacy like that regardless of how over it you are or aren't. And to say that you enjoyed it and that he isn't sorry and just...honestly, I would've ripped him apart. That's absolutely disgusting and you never say that to ANYONE. I won't go on a rant too much, because I would probably literally start breathing fire, but holy shit do his actions make me absolutely furious.

He's obviously a very insecure person, and that's something he needs to get over on his own. You shouldn't have to fucking justify being sexually assaulted or having an ex boyfriend. Your ex boyfriend is your ex for a reason, and if he REALLY can't let it go, then maybe he should go fucking date him instead and leave you alone. And don't even get me started on the sexual assault, because again fire. You don't deserve this, and you don't owe him any sort of consolations or anything like that. He is not treating you how someone should treat a person they care about.

Being together for a year seems like a long time, but honestly, it's not worth sticking with just because it's been about a year. This relationship is no good, and he's not going to stop. He seems to want to continuously be insecure and disgusting at your expense, and the more I talk this out, the more I really want to go with my knee-jerk reaction and tell you to leave him. If he hasn't changed yet, he's not going to. You don't deserve to be treated that way.

He literally broke up with you because he decided that it was easier than just not bringing up your ex. That speaks volumes of how he really feels about your relationship, and him changing his mind doesn't really fix anything. If these are only two of your problems, then please seriously consider getting out of the relationship while you still can. It sucks, yes, but he's not worth it. Don't stay in an unhealthy relationship. Take care of yourself and find someone who isn't going to be a festering pile of shit.

[Hollandia]

I have agree with what has been said, especially Moon. He has no right causing you more stress and pain over a trauma you entrusted to him. He is the only big Dick in this story and I hope you can understand how wrong and selfish he is being by even saying these things to you. If he needs help to work through it, tell him to find a support group or a doc of his own and keep his juvenile comments to himself. Most people would never think of saying such things and if he thinks it is okay, then he is not the man for you. How would he feel if it had been his mother or baby sister? Would he say such foul things to them? He sounds a bit sick to me. I think you deserve someone better and sorry for your pain.

[Honour]

You've done nothing wrong, OP. Your boyfriend is a sick bastard and should be ashamed of what he's doing. I'll admit, rarely do I read posts on this forum where I would like to slap someone. Quite frankly, I can't help but get that feeling from your boyfriend. Run for the exit door, and don't look back.

[p_b82]

Have to say I agree with what has been said already.

The guy is so insensitive, I am angry with him on your behalf - and if he makes me feel that way, I hate to imagine how you do..... So do what needs to be done, and find a person who is less of an arsehole. you will be happier in the long run, and that is what you should focus on right now, imo

[snow]

I feel like a lot of men don't understand how hard it is to be a woman, he seems like one of those meninist type of guys. I had a similar experience to yours also in a train and my man listened to my story, asked questions and then we were done with this, because he knows that this was a traumatic experience and bringing it up again should be on me, not him and this is exactly what's wrong with your man.
If you want to talk about a traumatic experience that happened to you, you decide that, not him and asking the same, ridiculous, heartless and cruel questions every time would make anyone frustrated and feel extremely disrespected. He is definitely projecting his fears and insecurities on you and that is just wrong.

What I'd do is to tell him to cut it off and let you decide when you want to talk about this and if you never want to, he has to accept that too. Tell him that those questions are hurting you and making you re-live a painful memory for no reason other than to satisfy his curiosity.

[whatruckus]

Honestly, I didn't even read past the part that said your boyfriend keeps bringing it up. First of all, what the hell is he thinking? Is he stupid? Really, is he? Either he needs to cut that crap out, or you need to leave.

[Mims27]

No person who loves you should EVER bring that subject up unless YOU want to talk about it, let alone ask those horrible questions. WTF!

[merlinkitty]

I have an ex who once told me he didn't understand what the big deal with rape was. Please note: ex. It shows me there is a particular inability to empathize with others. The rest of his comments tell me he's grossly insecure. So much so that he's asking effing inappropriate questions. This guy you're seeing, while other stuff may be great, is missing a vital function in his brain. Please feel free to take care of yourself, without him being part of that.

[whatruckus]

Okay, I composed myself to read most of your post. What...le...fuck? Sorry for the language, but WHAT?? WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM??? Get out now, woman. He's got major issues, and you won't be able to move forward if you stay with someone who just keeps bringing the past up. He's incredibly insecure and immature, and just...I don't know! Just plain DUMB!

[TwoThree]

I feel like I have nothing to add to this thread but a bunch of expletives, unfortunately. Your boyfriend sounds like a gigantic POS. Not only is he basically blaming you for being assaulted, but the creep seems like he sorta gets off on the details, doesn't he?

Please dump him. No one deserves to be stuck with this disgusting prick.

[lucybelle]

I feel like I have nothing to add to this thread but a bunch of expletives, unfortunately. Your boyfriend sounds like a gigantic POS. Not only is he basically blaming you for being assaulted, but the creep seems like he sorta gets off on the details, doesn't he?

Please dump him. No one deserves to be stuck with this disgusting prick.

This is exactly what I was going to say, so I'll just quote.

[emsimes]

Just to add to what everyone else said:
A man who loves you would not question you like that, or bring up painful memories when you've specifically asked him to stop. He has serious issues and sounds kinda sick, tbh :/
I think it's time to cut your losses and find a REAL man who loves and supports you

Honestly, I hope he somehow can read this thread and realize how ashamed of himself he should be.