The wonderful visit made it even harder now. I'm a different person

[Kiwigirl316]

My sweetheart lives in Ireland and I am from New Zealand.
After meeting him in Ireland, I returned home. Our relationship has grown into something quite incredible.
I visited him six months later and he was supposed to visit me in February. This just couldn't happen. So we are counting down to my next visit to him which is just over 8 weeks away. It will have been a gap of another six months. Something we said would not happen again as it is so hard for us both.
Since that first visit, when things went so well, I have been struggling to be my usual optimistic happy self. The girl he met is not the girl I find myself to be now. I don't like her much. I didn't know she was even there. Sure, it took a few weeks to settle down once I was home but I can say that the distance is worse now, even four months later.
We plan on my relocation to Ireland in November. I have two teenagers that I have to let go first, and a career change to contemplate.
It is vital that he visits me before I do that and I am anxious that I will be let down.
If I am in love, how can I be so miserable? I live in a beautiful part of NZ and some say I lead a dream life, but it is tinged with sadness, missing and pining for him. I dissolve into tears and have lost weight. I got a hug from a little girl the other day and I found myself clinging to her like she was a life raft. I am living on the knife edge of emotion.
Our love languages are the same with time being number one. So the hours on the phone are well appreciated, yet a missed call can send us both into a tizz.
So we are coming up to our one year anniversary. It has been so bitter sweet. I almost feel cheated of that new love feelings that get fed physically by usual relationships, yet grateful of the incredible communication skill we have built up, that usual relationships can sometimes skip.
I guess patience is the answer and keep plodding on. But half an hour later I am a mess again.

[Redheart14]

Have you communicated how important it is that he comes to you? If not, you need to do this so he knows.

[differentcountries]

I agree he needs to come and see you. You are preparing to relocate, but he cant even visit? How does he plan that the two of you will stay in touch with your family etc once you have closed the distance?

[Kiwigirl316]

I am fortunate enough to be financially and time independent.
The promise for the visit is still there. I have taken the view that not everyone with a job and mortgage can get around the world!
We learned so much about each other during my last visit. Those little cultural things that can trip us up easily!

[differentcountries]

Well, if it is about the money you could maybe buy his tickets.

My SO just visited me, no way he could have payed himself.

[Kiwigirl316]

Yes that has been suggested by myself. It is time off that is tricky.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I completely understand being sad and missing your SO. However, it sounds to me like maybe long distance (at least for the time being) is actually good for you. One of the biggest blessings in disguise about LD is the fact that you get a chance to love yourself and be happy on your own. You shouldn't need your SO to be happy. It should just an added bonus to be together. It doesn't sound like you need to close the distance right now, it sounds like you need to take a good, long look in the mirror and figure out why you are so unhappy. I'll bet that there are things that you can do to make yourself feel better that don't involve your SO at all. The way that you're living isn't healthy and won't make for a healthy relationship even after you close the distance.

[Kiwigirl316]

What you say MissingMyDutchLove is absolutely what I would have said to a friend myself, if they were in the same boat. How often do we not listen to our own advice. Thankyou for your comments.
I have spent the day feeling a lot more calm and feeling that I have turned a corner. I am looking forward, rather than behind and able to stop the worry.
You are absolutely right.
I want and need to be that happy, optimistic person that sees the good in everything - Pollyanna just went away for a little while!
xx

[Blackbyrd]

The last LDR I was in (I'm in my second, something I never anticipated happening) I was already seeing a counsellor to work through other issues and it really helped being able to talk to her about the feelings I had which, from what you are saying, were pretty similar to what you are experiencing. Do you have a wise friend you can have regular cups of tea/coffee with to talk through these things, or a counsellor you can talk to? Often it really helps to get an outside perspective and bounce your thoughts and ideas off someone who knows the situation but isn't enmeshed in it. We can get lost in our own head and emotions I think, and really lose clarity.

[MrHunnyB]

Kiwigirl, I think that when you have your next visit in just 8 weeks, it will clarify everything for you. I'm sure the minute you are in each other's arms, all will be right with the world again. All the insecurities will melt away and then you can focus on planning the rest of your lives together. Try to make the 8 weeks go by fast. Just keep busy and you'll be getting off that plane before you know it.

[differentcountries]

You don't have to be Pollyanna. Sometimes she is a good companion, sometimes not. I use a lot of my time away from SO to work out, work and take care of my life here, but I also sometimes feel incredibly sad or empty. I found that having a sceme around visits help. I usually have a countdown and I structure my life around my visits. I also allow myself to be sometimes sad, watch wedding videos or romantic movies and cry. I will eat food from his country and feel nostalgic. Nothing of that us unormal or bad. You just have to make sure to get out of the melancoly before it gets too much. I usually allow myself two days of being sad before I force myself out of it. Be sure to eat and drink a lot, that will help you, and go easy on alcohol. You mention thoughts about relocating and career change, and those are big changes that can seem overwealming even if not in an LDR! I hope your visit will go well and that you will get charged up on the physical side. Best of luck

[JaimeeNicole]

Hi!

I completely know the feeling! I lived with my man for 10 months and then due to visa/money issues had to leave him in Belgium and return to Canada.
I slid into a depression I thought no one else could understand.

I left a social work career and a family of 7 siblings to come here. I'm 23 and my savings account is dwindling but I'll be approved for a common law visa and able to get a job soon, and it's all been so worth it!

PM me if you'd like to chat more.
Everything you're feeling is valid and everything you're thinking of 'risking' will be worth it.

xo

[shinbiah]

Glad I found this thread! I thought this roller coaster of feeling so sad, anxious with SO being away after the visit is soo not normal. The sadness is unexplainable, you just really want to hug him again, just cuddle with him again and just be with him. I think i am undergoing the same thing too.

[differentcountries]

It is hard for people who have not experienced it to comprehend the sadness and broken feeling, because leaving your SO is a little bit like a heart ace /breakup without the promise of moving on. I have not even left SO yet this time, and already I feel horrible. I just find you have to think of it a little bit like a reactive depression and treat it as such, aka focus hard on eating /drinking /work out /see people /cry but in moderaration. And use your SOs... We actually have trouble with being sad together even after more than one and a half years together because he gets too overwealmed and start making jokes which I find offensive. But anything can be talked over if you don't close down, and then our SOs can be the best place for comfort even over the distance. Best luck to all of you. It is not easy, but remember we all do it for the best of reasons...