Dating a Recently Divorced Man

[nears]

Hi Everyone!

Long story short: we met abroad in asia while he was still still married but in the midst of separating -> had sex -> continued an online relationship for 7 months -> visited me for two weeks in august -> he got divorced in december -> came to the US after he gave her the divorce papers and stayed with me for two months -> went back to australia for the first time in 3 years and is now working 12h per day / 7 days a week.

He will not tell me many details about the divorce -- I know that it hurt him to issue papers because he knew it would hurt her. He said he still loves her, but not the same way as before and he couldn't imagine spending the rest of his life with her and he wanted her to move on while she still had a chance to marry again (she's 35 and he's 24).

The first seven months LDR was incredible. Our relationship was so passionate and strong even from afar, I genuinely wanted to have a future with him. We both agreed that it would be "a long term thing" so I felt so secure with him. He was so attentive to my needs and we texted every hour of the day and spent on average 2-3 hours every time we chatted (almost every day).

During the end of his most recent stay, we had a chat about what we wanted. He was worried that we were moving too fast and that he wasn't ready to commit. I freaked and thought he was breaking up with me and I cried all night...(stupid of me but I couldn't help it. I wasn't ready to lose him) Since we had both cheated on our past significant others, we discussed our trust issues with each other. Sometimes it is difficult for me to separate the image of him tindering and he knows that I party a lot (I have not cheated on him) so he is worried that I will find someone better and more convenient for me. Personally, i am not interested in anyone else, but I think he has his doubts about me. He said it was because I was young and in University (he had never gone).

After his departure in late February, it became plainly obvious that he had doubts about our relationship -- he is very distant and doesn't text me as much as he used to. He's called me once since he got back in Australia (three weeks ago) and he apologises for his lack of communication sometimes and has told me many times that he loves me but it's difficult for him to work 12h a day and to get readjusted to Australia after being away for 2 years - not to mention a failed marriage. I'm trying to take a few steps back and slow it down -- not place all my eggs in one basket, but I have already financially committed to an internship program within Sydney (starts in May). I think he's scared because my actions slightly echo his from his marriage since he moved internationally to be with her. This is not the case for me because I will be there for a maximum of four months during the summer, but I still think it scares him.

I want to protect myself from being a rebound, especially since I feel very strongly about him -- and he has told me that he doesn't want to lose me either (even though he doesn't think he's ready). Not only is this a financial burden, but also an emotional burden since I am always worrying and it is affecting my ability to perform academically. I know there are a lot of terrible points in this relationship (divorce, infidelity, ect.), and I agree that we moved too quickly, but there is also a lot of good in it -- how differently I see the mundane, how incredibly safe I feel with him, ect.) I truly want to maintain a relationship with him and take it as slow as he needs, but is it pointless? He's been so distant lately and although his reasons are valid, is it unreasonable to expect even a small phone call every week (he does work 7 days a week 12h a day)? I'm torn between trying to help him cope and trying to give him distance and I feel as if i'm just bugging him in the end. I'm putting too much pressure on him...so how should I go about giving him distance to heal from the divorce?

I hope I haven't repulsed you all...

[R&R]

You started a relationship based on dishonesty with your former partners. I'm not saying those can't work but those tend to have a lot more struggles with trust issues as you've both already proven that you can't be trusted. Add this to rushing into the relationship, him ending up getting a divorce, long distance and the hours he puts in at work- you guys have a lot you are up against.

Honestly, I can't speak for him - but looking in from the outside, he has got to be absolutely overwhelmed right now. You are stating it's hard for you as well and it's been affecting you financially, emotionally and academically. IMHO, I think you both need to take a huge step back. It's almost like you were each other's "escape" and now reality is settling in for you.

[Hollandia]

Unless you are happy to live there without him, you should never move for an LDR until you have a long term solid commitment. He just got divorced and most likely is not ready for what you expect of him. I would not go unless you love it there and will be happy without him for four months if it does not work out.

One of my good (male) friends got divorced recently and his marriage broke up 3 years ago. He has had a few flings and even had a GF for a while, but he is still reeling from it and has no desire to settle down again anytime soon. I would be careful, if he is pulling back, don't push. Divorce is a death of a marriage and those wounds go deep, they don't heal fast no matter how much you wish they would. You just have to let time heal what it can ,and for you, don't allow yourself to be a rebound. I will also say that 15 years is a large age difference, and sorry to be harsh, it is cliche for a 35 year old guy to have a fling with a 20 year old girl right after divorce. I know of at least THREE men personally that did exactly that. None of them married them and have been admitted to something like " I always wanted to do that" or " I had my fun, now I am looking for someone closer to my age to settle down with". My own ex did it, and we are friends now, he said, "It was fun, but she was far too young, I need someone I can relate too" and with her," he did not feel there was a risk of finding anyone serious when he was not ready yet".

I think you should talk to him and find out if his head is ever looking at long term with you or if he is happy for things to never go further. Do not get too involved unless he can say he could see a future someday with you, or you will get burned. I think it is a rebound for him. One that burned bright hard and fast and is fading away now. Too fast, too soon, when one is not ready is not love at first sight, it is denial.

[differentcountries]

I will also say that 15 years is a large age difference, and sorry to be harsh, it is cliche for a 35 year old guy to have a fling with a 20 year old girl right after divorce.

Her SO is 24 years old and she is 20, so the age difference between them should be no more than 4 years. It is his ex wife that is 35 year old.

[farandaway]

A few years back I would have had a whole different opinion on this but today I'd say that a divorce doesn't mean you are not ready for a new relationship. Me and my SO were both married (he still is for the moment) when we met over 3 years ago and yes, we both cheated. Neither one of us had never done it before. He had a short marriage behind him and I had a long one but otherwise we were at similar point in our lives. I have never felt a rebound and we are very strong and planning our future together. Someone would say we have many odds against us also but no outsider can really know in the end.

But I wonder why would he say he still loves her. If he is not truly over her then that's another story. You two need to talk and he should be completely honest with his intentions. You deserve to know so that you can make decisions accordingly and not invest in something that is not worth investing in.

[Hollandia]

Her SO is 24 years old and she is 20, so the age difference between them should be no more than 4 years. It is his ex wife that is 35 year old.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhh,missed that.

[nears]

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[nears]

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[nears]

A few years back I would have had a whole different opinion on this but today I'd say that a divorce doesn't mean you are not ready for a new relationship. Me and my SO were both married (he still is for the moment) when we met over 3 years ago and yes, we both cheated. Neither one of us had never done it before. He had a short marriage behind him and I had a long one but otherwise we were at similar point in our lives. I have never felt a rebound and we are very strong and planning our future together. Someone would say we have many odds against us also but no outsider can really know in the end.

But I wonder why would he say he still loves her. If he is not truly over her then that's another story. You two need to talk and he should be completely honest with his intentions. You deserve to know so that you can make decisions accordingly and not invest in something that is not worth investing in.

Thank you for your response and it's so nice to hear about your success! I hope you two continue on that path you're on.

I truly do think he is over her, but when you've spent so much time and emotion invested in someone, it's a little difficult to see them unhappy -- she was devastated by the divorce. We had a chat before he left and he wants to take things slow and I understand now that I was a bit immature and kept behaving in a way that might have put too much guilt and pressure on him. I'd like to take a step back and allow him to heal/process his emotions and work. How do you suggest doing so?

I am still young and I'm not looking for marriage or anything, but I would like to spend a year in Sydney after I graduate and see how things go. I'm not too concerned with finances as I am sure that I will be able to find a job due to my academics and prior work experience. Do you think that i'm looking too far down the road and creating too much pressure on him?

[nears]

You started a relationship based on dishonesty with your former partners. I'm not saying those can't work but those tend to have a lot more struggles with trust issues as you've both already proven that you can't be trusted. Add this to rushing into the relationship, him ending up getting a divorce, long distance and the hours he puts in at work- you guys have a lot you are up against.

Honestly, I can't speak for him - but looking in from the outside, he has got to be absolutely overwhelmed right now. You are stating it's hard for you as well and it's been affecting you financially, emotionally and academically. IMHO, I think you both need to take a huge step back. It's almost like you were each other's "escape" and now reality is settling in for you.

thank you for your response! great points and yes, i agree to a certain extent. I think we both want to make it work since he has promised to come back into the united states after his (seasonal) job. But you're right, taking a step back would be great! How do you suggest I go about giving him space, because I still will be in Sydney for the four months starting May.

Should I say, "Hey, I know you're feeling overwhelmed right now, so I'd like to take some of the pressure off. I'll still be here to chat if you'd like, but for the most part I'll be focusing on my endeavours. I'll still be in Sydney in a month, so we'll see what happens." ?

[nears]

Unless you are happy to live there without him, you should never move for an LDR until you have a long term solid commitment. He just got divorced and most likely is not ready for what you expect of him. I would not go unless you love it there and will be happy without him for four months if it does not work out.

One of my good (male) friends got divorced recently and his marriage broke up 3 years ago. He has had a few flings and even had a GF for a while, but he is still reeling from it and has no desire to settle down again anytime soon. I would be careful, if he is pulling back, don't push. Divorce is a death of a marriage and those wounds go deep, they don't heal fast no matter how much you wish they would. You just have to let time heal what it can ,and for you, don't allow yourself to be a rebound. I will also say that 15 years is a large age difference, and sorry to be harsh, it is cliche for a 35 year old guy to have a fling with a 20 year old girl right after divorce. I know of at least THREE men personally that did exactly that. None of them married them and have been admitted to something like " I always wanted to do that" or " I had my fun, now I am looking for someone closer to my age to settle down with". My own ex did it, and we are friends now, he said, "It was fun, but she was far too young, I need someone I can relate too" and with her," he did not feel there was a risk of finding anyone serious when he was not ready yet".

I think you should talk to him and find out if his head is ever looking at long term with you or if he is happy for things to never go further. Do not get too involved unless he can say he could see a future someday with you, or you will get burned. I think it is a rebound for him. One that burned bright hard and fast and is fading away now. Too fast, too soon, when one is not ready is not love at first sight, it is denial.

Thank you for your response. I will try to have a chat with him, but i'd prefer to keep things very light for now...

[austexas24]

Nears,

You're the first person I've given advice to on this forum, as for me I was mostly on the other side of it (receiving advice). You can find my thread a little bit below your's, and I only choose to post on here because I feel that we are in somewhat of a similar situation. I met a girl from Australia, we visited each other several times, she was married but getting divorced, we made plans to be with one another and progress (you sort of have to in a LDR). Towards the end of the 9 months she started getting distant for about 2 weeks, then she asked for space, then she ended it.

All of my friends, and a LARGE majority of the people on here offered me the same advice, "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be" (so cliche, and I hated this saying more than anything at this point and time). My closest friends (3 girls) all told me that I need to give her the space she needs, that I shouldn't contact her, that she will reach out to me if she wants too. I didn't believe them, and i faulted once or twice, but as it ends up, she has been the one to reach out to me several times since ending it. No we are not back together, but it's so strange for me to experience something like this, one its a LDR, two it was my first married/divorcing SO, so there isn't really a rulebook for what you're going through.

So what did I do? I made sure that before I made the decision to move on that I would leave it all out on the table, that she knew EXACTLY how I felt and that I want the best for her, even if it means she ends up with someone else. As shitty as it is, you have to give this guy his space to figure out what he wants, I've never experienced a divorce or marriage, but I'm sure something falling apart like that rattles you no matter how strong you are. Mail him a letter, or send an email and leave it all on the table. When he's ready and if it's meant to be he will come back, but you have to push forward with you're own life and hope for the best.

I know you are still in the earlier stages of what I mentioned above, but just know, if you love someone, you can still find a way to call them. My ex and I never had an issue with this, we communicated everyday, and I'm from Texas. Just let him have his space and hope for the best, but don't hold yourself back from seeking new adventures, or meeting new people.

Continue to keep us all updated, everyone here is really helpful and sometimes brutally honest, but a lot of them speak from experience. I wish you well!

[nears]

- how to delete this

[nears]

Nears,

You're the first person I've given advice to on this forum, as for me I was mostly on the other side of it (receiving advice). You can find my thread a little bit below your's, and I only choose to post on here because I feel that we are in somewhat of a similar situation. I met a girl from Australia, we visited each other several times, she was married but getting divorced, we made plans to be with one another and progress (you sort of have to in a LDR). Towards the end of the 9 months she started getting distant for about 2 weeks, then she asked for space, then she ended it.

All of my friends, and a LARGE majority of the people on here offered me the same advice, "if it's meant to be, it's meant to be" (so cliche, and I hated this saying more than anything at this point and time). My closest friends (3 girls) all told me that I need to give her the space she needs, that I shouldn't contact her, that she will reach out to me if she wants too. I didn't believe them, and i faulted once or twice, but as it ends up, she has been the one to reach out to me several times since ending it. No we are not back together, but it's so strange for me to experience something like this, one its a LDR, two it was my first married/divorcing SO, so there isn't really a rulebook for what you're going through.

So what did I do? I made sure that before I made the decision to move on that I would leave it all out on the table, that she knew EXACTLY how I felt and that I want the best for her, even if it means she ends up with someone else. As shitty as it is, you have to give this guy his space to figure out what he wants, I've never experienced a divorce or marriage, but I'm sure something falling apart like that rattles you no matter how strong you are. Mail him a letter, or send an email and leave it all on the table. When he's ready and if it's meant to be he will come back, but you have to push forward with you're own life and hope for the best.

I know you are still in the earlier stages of what I mentioned above, but just know, if you love someone, you can still find a way to call them. My ex and I never had an issue with this, we communicated everyday, and I'm from Texas. Just let him have his space and hope for the best, but don't hold yourself back from seeking new adventures, or meeting new people.

Continue to keep us all updated, everyone here is really helpful and sometimes brutally honest, but a lot of them speak from experience. I wish you well!

Hi autexas,
Thanks for your reply! To confess, when I first joined this forum I lurked your thread because our situation was quite relevant. I definitely believe you made the right decision to put everything on the table and move on with your life -- if she comes back, great. if not, oh well. You're right, i'm definitely in the same stage right now. He told me he wasn't ready to make the big decision, but he still wanted to continue talking, ect...lots of mixed messages to be honest. He freaked out when I told him that I was just going to move on without him. I made him a video so he could see my face/hear my voice and hear some great news (was offered an internship in australia..which I took so i'll be there in june) but according to my youtube analytics he's opened it twice and never watched more than a minute of it (it's 7 minutes long). He never responded to it. Essentially, he just started ignoring my messages and snapchats. Like, he'll send me generic snaps from time to time, but he won't open the ones i've sent him. To be honest, I feel abandoned and my self-worth is pretty low due to either his apathy or disinterest.

We aren't talking right now and it's been two weeks since the last message he's responded to. Since we're on a break, I'm currently casually seeing someone else. I'm a bit guilty, but it's helping me get my mind off of him. I was just so incredibly anxious about the entire ordeal and I still am. Maybe i'm a bit too negative, but it's hard to just sit back and feel love slipping away but every time I attempt to get a simple conversation out of him, he just shuts me out. I'm exhausted and I realize my thought patterns are unhealthy so I'm trying to work on my life so I can be successful with or without him. You're right, this is really all I can do right now.

I hope to check back with him in June at the latest, but that seems incredibly far away. I truly don't think anyone needs that long to make a decision. To be honest, i'm not too optimistic about the situation, but I suppose either way...I win -- loss of a onesided relationship or gain a rewarding relationship. I hope you see it the same way too, because you seem to have made the right choice. It's just painful on you to be in a relationship with a recently separated person...and i'm sorry you had to go through the worst for happiness, but if you both want to be together again it can work out. Working vacations ftw.

Anyway, thank you for sharing your experiences with me and I wish you the best of luck!

[austexas24]

Hi autexas,
Thanks for your reply! To confess, when I first joined this forum I lurked your thread because our situation was quite relevant. I definitely believe you made the right decision to put everything on the table and move on with your life -- if she comes back, great. if not, oh well. You're right, i'm definitely in the same stage right now. He told me he wasn't ready to make the big decision, but he still wanted to continue talking, ect...lots of mixed messages to be honest. He freaked out when I told him that I was just going to move on without him. I made him a video so he could see my face/hear my voice and hear some great news (was offered an internship in australia..which I took so i'll be there in june) but according to my youtube analytics he's opened it twice and never watched more than a minute of it (it's 7 minutes long). He never responded to it. Essentially, he just started ignoring my messages and snapchats. Like, he'll send me generic snaps from time to time, but he won't open the ones i've sent him. To be honest, I feel abandoned and my self-worth is pretty low due to either his apathy or disinterest.

We aren't talking right now and it's been two weeks since the last message he's responded to. Since we're on a break, I'm currently casually seeing someone else. I'm a bit guilty, but it's helping me get my mind off of him. I was just so incredibly anxious about the entire ordeal and I still am. Maybe i'm a bit too negative, but it's hard to just sit back and feel love slipping away but every time I attempt to get a simple conversation out of him, he just shuts me out. I'm exhausted and I realize my thought patterns are unhealthy so I'm trying to work on my life so I can be successful with or without him. You're right, this is really all I can do right now.

I hope to check back with him in June at the latest, but that seems incredibly far away. I truly don't think anyone needs that long to make a decision. To be honest, i'm not too optimistic about the situation, but I suppose either way...I win -- loss of a onesided relationship or gain a rewarding relationship. I hope you see it the same way too, because you seem to have made the right choice. It's just painful on you to be in a relationship with a recently separated person...and i'm sorry you had to go through the worst for happiness, but if you both want to be together again it can work out. Working vacations ftw.

Anyway, thank you for sharing your experiences with me and I wish you the best of luck!

Nears,

In regards to the youtube analytics...bravo lol. I made a video for our six month anniversary and sent it to her, after we broke up I went to check if she had viewed it just to see if she was thinking of me. On your internship, whatever happens, enjoy your time there. Australia is so beautiful, take every chance you get to explore it.

I understand your frustrations and that's honestly pretty shitty of him to not watch the video. It might be to hard for him to see your face, that's part of the reason I took my ex off snapchat. There was one night when I was a little drunk and having a great time, I opened snapchat, saw her story of simply a glass with champagne in it and started freaking out and wanting to text her. It was stupid, but it killed me to think she was living life without me. You expect your ex and want your ex to be as heartbroken as you, and they may be, but a photo won't tell you that and when it looks like their about to go out and have fun, you die a little bit on the inside.

As I said before, as long as you feel that you've done everything you could do and have no regrets, then you should know that it's not you, it's something he's going through that he probably doesn't understand himself. I will advise you to be cautious in your new relationship, to make sure you aren't with this person just to feel better about your ex. My ex and I both founded a relationship after being out of a relationship for less than 2 months and look where it got us. It can be helpful, but it can also be deceiving.

Please keep us updated! You will only get better and better.