Plans falling apart - so hopeless

[farandaway]

To plan his trip here in May is the thing that has given me strength and this morning when we talked and I'm starting to get a feeling that things are not going our way at all and our May is falling apart. First in the beginning of year his dad got into hospital and we were put off. Then SO moved to be with parents to help them out. We were supposed to book his tickets when he knows about father's health. Father is very weak and has recurrent infections and is medicated and his health is not improving. His mom is dealing very badly with the situation, she is living in the past and not accepting aging and all the changes. She's very stubborn and denies the obvious. She keeps saying soon everything is better when in reality she is not getting her husband back home any more. On top of that SO is fighting with brother who is criticizing everything SO does and the way he is trying to help the parents. In fact they had such a fight last night that SO was too upset to talk to me.

I don't know what to do. There is no room for our plans. There is no certainty other than we want to be together but no idea when and how. He is totally overwhelmed with his parents situation. And of course I can't visit him where he lives now because his family is in no condition to meet a future family member at the moment. He lives with his mom and I can't be there. I'm certainly not going over and staying some place without him. That would be really weird.

This situation is so hard to bear. There is nothing I can do to help. We can't plan anything. All our discussions are about his family and he can't get away and doesn't want to. I want him to do the right thing but it means that I have to wait and wait. His divorce is not moving because he is stuck in this situation. He's been separated soon 8 months but still married.

Am I selfish to want some kind of answers? I know he would be here soon if he could. Is this just another LDR thing, to wait out the so called bad times and hope for the best? We have no deadlines since it's impossible. I'm scared to think where we will be later this year if nothing moves forward. I know it's tough for him and it helps nothing to confront him because the only choices he has is leave his family in moment of need and be with me or stay to help them out and let our future wait.

I know there is no answer but I needed to get this out. Some days are better but right now feels there is so little hope and so much waiting. Where can I find encouragement?

[Ella85]

8 months for a divorce? If there is money and property involved it could go on longer. When I met my SO I had been seperated for 3 years from my ex and I was in the process of filing for a divorce. It took me 5 months because my ex and I agreed we would deal with money matters outside of court and my divorce went through last week. It could be months more before this goes though for him especially in the US as things are more decided by the courts rather than themselves, where as in England it's different.

I honestly think in this situation being patient is best in regards to his family. You pushing a date to meet isn't going to help. Tell him you love him, you're there for him and let him sort his family situation out. I understand you wanting to see him, but it being at a bad time isn't going to help what is already a nerve wracking time. If I could of ran to my boyfriend in december last year when he had some stuff going on I would have, I wanted to be there for him. But I have a child, I can not just drop everything and neither can he as he has work and a child too.

[Unconditional]

I have to agree with Ella on this matter. Pushing a meet would only put unneeded pressure on your SO, and I do not think you would like that.

[differentcountries]

Family members getting sick is unsettling for everyone and tends to bring out the worst in old conflicts. That being said, he did not have to live with his Mum, and he still has the choice to find his own appartment if he intends to stay in the area for a while. then he could have you over for visits, even if you were not introduced to his family. His business also gives him a very valid excuse to visit Your country over summer, and at that point the sickness situation is becoming a more permanent issue that he cant deal with in this makeshift manner. You could make the one thing that makes him breathe and relax, and hopefully you will. it is still early, and may is just a month away so i will advice against pushing for a may visit. but when may comes, it should be about time to discuss with him how to plan and pull through a visit one way or another.

[farandaway]

he has not even started divorce process yet. He asks me to support him with plans for parents so that he would get a chance to leave. He insisted yesterday having my answer if I could ever consider living in his home town. He needs answers but I don't get any. I don't really want to visit him there unless he is divorced and I don't want him living here if he is not divorced. I do not get a clear answer why he is not starting it. I know he is afraid of soon ex causing trouble and is probably waiting for her to initiate. She's been asking for them to file taxes together so that she would save money but otherwise she doesn't contact him. I know they will not get back together. He sees it as a technical thing but for me it's much more. If he wants my help discussing his parents situation he assumes i don't want to discuss anything until we discuss his divorce. I didn't even mention it but he did. He came to Finland last fall and has business meetings here. This way he is proofing to me that he is serious about living here. He wants me to say the same about his hometown but I haven't had a chance to go there and will not if he is still married. I feel bitter that he wants my opinion and my support but is not ready to reveal me to them. He relies on me for help but I feel I'm not getting much in return. The scale has always been on his side. Of course timing is not good and there is no peaceful one to one time for us over there when all he does is arrange things for his parents and go to his office. When I'm disappointed on how things have turned out, to him it means I'm pushing him to give something he cannot give even though I've told him to take his time to figure things out. Every time with a conflict like this if he doesn't get what he feels he needs from me he blames I'm causing him more stress and he needs to take time healing and not argue with me. With that we left communication yesterday. I don't accept that he can make me feel guilty like that and I didn't reply and I will not be the first one to contact him this time, no matter now much I miss him.

[MrHunnyB]

To me, it would boil down to one thing....is he the one? If he is, then you belong by his side. If that means you travelling there and meeting the family, even under the present circumstances, then so be it. If you're the one, then he needs you. And if he feels that strongly about you then his family and friends would already know about you and have seen pictures and have heard all about you. And they would understand that you need to be together and they would be happy that you're willing to come and be part of the family and help him and everyone through this. Editing this post to clarify something. When you say "reveal me to them" are you saying he hasn't told his friends and family about you? Or just that you haven't met them yet?

[differentcountries]

I am sorry, but you have to deal with the fact that he probably will not be divorced for a couple of years. He can not magically be not married, it is a legal process that takes time. I believe my divorce took about 2 1/2 years. Will you in this time not visit him? I doubt that he can move out of the country until his divorce is about to finalize.

You are both thinking too big. It is not a good time for either of you to relocate. Think visits. If you dont want to visit his home town, find a hotel in the next city. Think building a network in both your places, introducing each other to some friends and family. Think working on the way you talk to each other, actually bad times like these are exellent for testing your communication skills. Focus on soothing each other.You are both human who get hurt and tired, try to forgive each other any trespasses. If you love each other, help each other. I know you feel he ows you, but this is the time for you to teach him how to deal when he is overwealmed. Dont do the blame game, it is not helpful. He asked you to visit him, that is him stretching out his hand about visits.

[farandaway]

We have met several times, before and after our ex relationships. Since I got divorced I have not hidden him from anyone but I'm not as open any more because he is not doing the same. When he lived in Boston still a month back and I visited him there he was worried if his nosy neighbor saw me carrying my luggage and his ex sniffing around and lawyers make him pay for cheating. He does not have close friends to share his life with. He has me. Nobody at all knows about me on his side. I understood that when he was with her and I understand a father with Alzheimers who doesn't even know he is separated and hid mom has issues, too. His brother is a drunk he doesn't trust very many things with and that leaves sister in law. But it hurts me that I've introduced my kids to him and I support him with all the issues dealing with his family but he doesn't see how much it would mean to me if he told at least someone. It's not something to push. He needs to want to do it on his own and he definately knows how I feels about it. I've cried over it many times. When I was with him for Christmas and he wanted to call his Dad to say merry christmas he went outside to call. I tried to ask him why but he mentioned something about his noisy apartment. If his brother called him while we were in his office he would finish the call very quickly. I don't know what it is. He doesn't let me in. I feel that I can't support him fully at the moment because of all this. He always keeps saying that we are stuck together and we talk about future but because of this I'm afraid and I have doubts and he doesn't understand that. I could never keep someone a secret like that and I guess he is very different but it's still hard to understand.

He is not inviting me there at the moment or we are not talking about that. He wants to know if I could do that in the future. My job and my kids keep me in Finland at the moment. It's a big decision to move and I'm not ready for it. That's why we've decided that he comes here first when his (step)son is grown up soon already and living with his mom. Or that was the plan before his dad's condition worsened so radically at the beginning of the year.

[MrHunnyB]

If I put myself in your shoes I would feel equally as frustrated and nervous as you about the secrecy on his end. I can understand him being careful so as not to complicate his divorce, but he should be able to tell his family at least. Have you been crystal clear with him about how you feel specifically about that the secrecy?

[Kapwned]

Not to pry, but are you two polyamorous? Or did your relationship start before the divorce process? Because your profile says you've been together for 3 years, but he's only been separated from his wife for 8 months?

I'm not going to judge and I'm not making assumptions, but if your relationship started before the separation then yes, your relationship can indeed bite him in the butt with the divorce process. And if your relationship did start before the separation, did his wife know about you? It's clear he's trying to hide you, but there just seems to be a bit more to it than that. If there are serious things that need negotiation then yes, his wife can use your relationship as leverage.

I understand the stress caused by his father's health. But I do think he should seek a permanent and supportive living situation for his parents. His father's health will not be getting any better and he can't just throw away his life for the sake of looking after his father. He can make sure his father is cared for while maintaining his life. His father will eventually need constant care. And his mother needs to see professional help to cope with what is going on and if she refuses she will only become a burden on him as well. You should start here. Don't make it about yourself, make it about improving his life so that he can move forward.

And he needs to get his divorce over with because that will be a lot of stress off of his shoulder. He will not need to hide you, he can walk away from his ex, and it's just one big thing to check off of his to-do list.

But no offense, if in essence one or both of you cheated on your spouse or started your relationship before either of you filed for divorce, that would raise some red flags with me. Again, I don't know the full details of how your past relationships were and how yours came to be. But given the timelines presented to me it seems like your relationship started before the divorce. That raises some red flags with me.

[differentcountries]

I don't get guys who don't have any close friends. Are they not lonely? And sure enough, the girlfriend has to hear it all and be everything. My dad is a bit like that, he has friends but I think he only really confies in my mum.

If he has all these ambivalent feelings about his family, plus not even started divorce process I can understand why he goes outside to call. Obviously this is a pattern of his... Think about it. He has no close friends. All that is inside of him are secrets. He probably never say important stuff to anybody ever.

If you guys both want the other to move then you do have a problem. But seriously... Plan visits. Visits are the lifeblood of LDRs, closing the distance is just the last little bit.

[farandaway]

We started talking online as friends and we met once when we were both still married. I was trying to find courage to file for divorce and after meeting him I knew that I can't continue in my marriage. I didn't divorce for him but knowing him helped. For him it was a much harder decision but he was not in love any more either. I don't regret any of that and we've both taken big steps from there. His ex never knew about me and still doesn't and there is no reason that she should. Neither one of us has never cheated before. I feel very strong about him and we talk about growing old together, he's even left half of his garderobe(!) here but it doesn't help this moment.

He wants to find a long term care for both parents and I guess I should be his support. I know he wants to be with me but it's so hard when we can't have any plans for visit nor deadline. I was staying strong until it turned out May is out of the question. He is studying my language and he is making business contacts here but right now it's critical for his parents and everything is at stand still. Over the years I've been so disappointed so many times that I've needed to take similar breaks of not talking to him. I understand it is really hard for him but he can't see that it is extremely difficult for me too. I know right now he is hurt and upset that I'm not talking to him when he needs me. He is upset that I don't trust us 100%. I want to but how can I? I don't think he realizes how much of an outsider I feel like when nobody knows about me. We have talked about it several times but it's not changing. Just maybe a week ago we talked about it that I feel like a screen in his life where he spends an hour with me every afternoon when he goes into office and that's it. He said he needs to do something about it but he will not, at least not soon. So this break is my temporary refuge from the situation. The only thing that gives me peace. I guess our communication is not very strong at all. I feel so sad because I love him and I want to help him but if I bring up any of my concerns he thinks I'm pushing him and all I want is his divorce to happen when his parents need him most. So I'm causing him stress and this situation is causing me stress. So, there we go.

[farandaway]

I can see that topic is a red flag to many but I have to live my life the way it is right now. I wished him Happy Easter last night but that's all. I'm in so much pain and that's not what love is all about. Maybe a break is what I need. Until some of his issues get sorted and until he realizes how hard this is for me. I don't have the strength to be his support at the moment. Thank you for all of your comments.

[p_b82]

sometimes that is the hardest choice to make, but one that is the most important to as well.

Look after yourself, think long and hard about your happiness here, and make sure you do the right thing for you, which may not actually be what you feel is the right thing.
*hugs*

[Ella85]

It seems like you can't really be there for him anymore than just a 'friend' at the moment. He has so much going on in his life that it's complicating your relationship. I got with my boyfriend before my divorce finalised. My boyfriend knew about this and I was no longer with my ex and in the process of filing for divorce. I did not keep anything from my family about my boyfriend. I outright told them I was seeing someone and that he was in the US.

To begin with they were waiting for it to be a repeat of the last time (which I won't go into too much but my ex is also American), but since I met him (and came back home when I said I would) they have been much more supportive and told me to go follow my dreams.

The fact he hasn't told anyone would raise huge trust issues with me. I was still married when I flew over to meet my boyfriend and I met his family. I'm sure he probably told them I was going through a divorce. I felt terrible about it, but matters of the heart are never planned on anything logical. I fell in love and thats all there was to it.

Because of his situation I would wait and back off a little. I would be sat there having trust issues with this guy at this stage if I were in your situation and as others have said it does raise red flags.