Finally broke up with long distance love after 2.5 years of it going nowhere.

[ladyeve]

I met my love while on a work trip in London. I live in California and was only there working for 5 days. We spent 2 nights together and fell fast and hard for one another. The next month I went back to see him for another few days. A couple months later he came to visit me in the states. We became exclusive about 3 months into it and neither of us seemed to find that difficult. After about 4-5 months things started getting rough on his end. He broke up with me a total of 4 times in 5 months, saying it was too hard and he couldn't do it. I was always the positive one who tried to encourage hanging in there. He complained about it being difficult but never suggested any solutions. I was positive and encouraging but obviously had no choice but to let him go if he didn't want a LDR. He broke up with me then would take it back a day or two later, sending flowers, apologizing. It hurt me immensely and sent my life into tailspin but I always accepted him back and believed it was the distance and not him. At 7 months he came to visit me a 2nd time, we had a wonderful two weeks together and felt closer then ever. After he left I lost my job and got very sick for a few months. I wasn't able to travel due to being ill and not having much money but I knew I was due to visit him next. We continued speaking everyday and 3 months later when I was recovered and in a better position he told me he had quit his job in london, moved out of his apartment and was coming to see me. I was upset that he's made these decisions without talking to me but was overjoyed he was coming to me, if not a little scared. I thought, this is fantastic after almost a full year from when we met he's coming to live with me and we will be closing the gap. We spent 3 months together until his visa ran out. It was an amazing time and a difficult time because he was very apprehensive about the legalities concerning his visa and had a hard time staying present. He knew he couldn't legally work in the states and felt he would be a burden on me and felt bad about not being able to make any money. I suggested we get married, he could look for work take any he could find and I would support him until he got on his feet, then we would support each other once he was able to contribute. This scared me of course but I was happy to do it and wanted to find a way to be together. The week leading up to his visa expiring he shut down and made the decision to leave. I was devastated. He said he didn't want to get married in that way, that he had to make a life for himself in England and that he had not planned on moving completely, just being able to spend a considerable amount of time together. I understood the pressures of immigrating and being with someone all at once but I didn't understand why he had cut off his life in London if he did not intend to move to the US. He went back with no apartment, no job and no plan instead of staying with me which obviously confused me. I am also a UK citizen so i told him if he wanted to go back there and get his life back together I would come join him eventually and could spend some time with him there and see if I should live there with him. He went back, regretted leaving me and got a job. I was somewhat waiting for him to show me that he had a plan. 2 months later nothing had happened, he was working but still didn't have a place to live, he was crashing at his sister's apt. He begged me to come spend Christmas with him saying that even though he didn't have a plan yet it was really important that we see one another and it was important to him that I come. I went and he immediately proposed to me diamond ring and all. He'd arranged and paid for very fancy hotels, meals, entertainment, and a ring I knew he couldn't afford. I accepted his marriage proposal because I loved him but was so upset that he'd spent all this money he did not have on an engagement when he could have used that money to get an apartment and add some real stability to the relationship. I stayed an extra week and we moved out of our hotel into his sister's place, I left for California once his sister got back. I went home engaged and confused about why my fiancé had made all these big decisions without talking to me. I thought he was going to get an apartment so I could come live with him in London. He thought being engaged meant I would just move to london and set up there with him even though his life was a mess there. I felt like he owed me some responsibility since he proposed and did some financially irresponsible things without speaking to me. A month went by, communication was bad, he was busy working in a dead end job that did not afford him to get a place there. He was exhausted and told me one day that he had slept on the street the night before. I told him there was no way I could marry a man who was sleeping on the street and he had to find a way to take better care of Himself. I told him I did not want to break up but I would send him back my huge diamond engagement ring so he could sell it and get a roof over his head. I was so sad and confused. He fought with me, told me if I sent him the ring that was the end and that he was so offended by it he considered it a break up. I was trying to help him and do the practical thing and I realized we were in no state to get married like this anyway. I sent him the engagement ring. He refused to sell it and we broke up. It was a long, messy affair. We still kept in contact contact and missed each other. A few months later, I was offered a place in Paris for 3 months. I booked a flight invited him to come live with me (he was only 2 hours away, still at the same dead end job, still sleeping on floors) thinking we could once and for all work it out. I thought he'd been through a rough time, it happens to the best of us and now that we have 3 months together in Europe we can figure out a plan on his turf. I thought by me making the gesture to come there I was doing my part of trying to work it out. He offered no solutions on how we were going to be together. We had a nice vacation i paid for nearly everything, including travel and a trip to Scandinavia from Paris for the two of us. At the end of the trip he told me he was going to move home with his parents and finish writing a novel he'd started. I told him that I supported his writing but that if he was going to move in with his parents (we are both late 20's though he is 2.5 years younger than me) I could not continue a LDR with him. We parted ways, he moved home and I went back to my home and job and life in California. We were still in contact and 4 months later I started to date someone else. I didn't tell him because I wasn't sure how I felt about any of it and what role he played in my life. I asked him to stop contacting me for a time so that I could sort out all my feelings. I told the new man I'd met that I wasn't ready for a serious commitment. Eventually my LDR lover found out about my new relationship via social media before I had a chance to tell him and went nuts. He became verbally abusive, found out the guy I was datings info and sent him a few emails telling him we were in love etc.. It was very disruptive and difficult. I realized I still loved this person even though he was causing so much upset and hadn't been in my life for a long time. I agreed to stop seeing the new man and talk to him about our relationship, what went wrong and what could be done. I told him I needed to see him and speak face to face as it had been 8 months since we saw one another. He agreed but kept shifting the plan later and later. As we live far away in expensive locations and he in particular had very little money, I told him it had to be within 1 month. I didn't want to travel to him but had I wanted to, he lives in his family home with 5 siblings and divorcing parents. I live alone in a 2 bedroom apartment. He kept coming up with excuses for why he couldn't come to speak face to face. No money, wouldn't want to leave once he came, I "cheated" so it was my job to come to him. Long story short after all that he still couldn't come up with any solutions. I told him that If he could get his life back together to a stable point where I could come see him and stay with him and see if I could live in a new city let alone be in a relationship with someone who had been so erratic, I would come do just that and we would date and take t from there. I really did not feel safe uprooting my life for someone who had not made any moves in a year and a half. I told him that i loved him still (true) was disappointed and sad but had to break up. I still have the hope one day we could work it out. I have a lot of confusion over what was because of long distance and all the anger and frustration that can come with it and knowing how hard it is to make it alone in a major city in your 20's these days. I still want to be with him but It isn't practical, he isn't meeting me even 1/4 of the way and I feel that if he really wanted me he would show me somehow. I don't want to feel like I gave up on someone I loved. Although the situation was killing me. If you read through this soap opera, god bless ya. I'd be interested on anyones thoughts.....

[TheSteelAngel]

My thoughts are as followed: Stop talking to this guy. This relationship ended a long time ago apparently and is very unstable. He is in no position financially to be in a relationship and should focus on bettering himself and get his life back together. You deserve someone who already knows what he wants in life and has a stable job and place to live. Good luck to you and welcome to LFAD!

[differentcountries]

While giving it up all for love is somewhat romantic, it can potentionally bedre very distructive. Your SO does indeed sound unstable. It is not a question of if you can work it out, but whatever kind if life you want. It sounds like he is using your relationship as an excuse to take out his drama queen. A lot of us in international relationships doesn't act irresponsably like this. A lot of aspiring novel writers are able to hold down daytime jobs, or at least apply for them. This doesn't hold much future for you, or anyone. Get out.

[ladyeve]

Thank you to the both of you for reading and responding. I have felt so alone and hopeless in this relationship. It has been so hard with a broken engagement and everything. I know it may all seem glaringly obvious from the outside but I have been so confused about what complications are due to being in a LDR and what are just needless complications of a bad relationship. I feel so heartbroken. I know the distance can sometimes intensify those feelings even when a relationship has ended. I was so afraid of ending it because I couldn't handle a LDR. You have no idea how much it helps me to hear the reinforcement that it wasn't me or my fault in giving up. Thank you so much

[whatruckus]

I don't have any advice because I agree with the other two ladies, but I do wish you good luck. And, you're more than welcome to stick around here and chat with us from time to time.

[Miasmata]

Any relationship that's unhealthy at the core like this was should be ended. It's not a sign of weakness to take care of yourself and follow your needs, quite the opposite even. You deserve better.

[austexas24]

Firstly, you sound like an amazing woman to even go through as much as you did, and to be the one to put forth that much effort. You need to tell yourself that you tried everything you could have tried to rectify the relationship and make it work for the both of you regardless of the outcome. From reading your story, it's quite apparent that you should have no regrets, and that you should know that you went absolutely above and beyond. I applaud you for putting your foot down and not settling for mediocrity. He sounds like someone who doesn't have any clue what he want's to do with his life, where you sound like you know what you want and deserve. Don't go back to him, push forward and onward. As hard as it might be, you need to cut off contact with him unfortunately and move on. It's come to that point a few times with me in my previous relationships and I truly believe it's benefited both parties.

Use this as a learning experience and know that you will find someone who puts forth as much effort as you did for this guy who clearly didn't deserve it.