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Starting to feel like the relationship is one sided

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    #1

    Starting to feel like the relationship is one sided

    Hey all me again hope your all well

    Ok gonna try and go into this as much as I can please bare with me cause I could really do with some advice

    Right me and my SO have been together nearly a year now on the 17th and at first everything was fine she came over here and everything seemed great we had a great first week together and promised ourselves to each other and stick this out until we close the distance in 2017 and from then on we've been skyping most nights (apart from when we're out and away from each other) and talking on the phone everyday to keep those lines of communication open (again unless one of us is out seeing friends and want some me time)

    However lately she's been extremely apathetic and doesn't seem as invested in the relationship as she once was and claiming that she's manipulated me into loving her (we've previously known each other for nearly 6 years but I didn't want to get into a relationship until we actually met in person) and visits now seem to be currently one sided when I've suggested us either meeting half way or her coming over here to see me instead of me going out there all the time (she was meant to come over for our first year anniversary on May 17th and I was going to propose but then plans changed due to her little brother's surgery on his spine which I can fully understand and the timing got thrown off completely)

    So I suggested why doesn't she come over to Ohio when I was meant to go out and visit friends in June, cheaper flight for her and we'd get to spend some quality time together but she soon shot that down so now it means I'm having to wait until November 14th to see her and I've cancelled my plans to go to Ohio due to bad things happening at work and dealing with some personal stuff as well, anyway I spoke with her last night about the possibility of her coming out here next year and she didn't really seem that bothered about it anymore and is talking more about her doing a Zine which is really helping her to have something to focus on and is hopefully gonna get her out a bit more and as much as I'm happy for her and trying to support her it just seems like she's cutting herself off more and more from me and the relationship and doesn't seem to be as affectionate as she once was and just in a dark bad mood all the time and I'm the only one showing that affection love and support.

    If anyone could give me any advice on what to do this would be great

    Thanking you all in advance
    Last edited by The Doctor; May 1, 2015, 02:03 PM.
    As one door closes another always opens and now I look to the future with a new outlook and perspective on life, it's an open book and I'm ready for the next chapter
    Tags: one sided, relationship
    #2
    Is she depressed?
    I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
    - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



    "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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      #3
      She does get extreme bouts of depression yes
      As one door closes another always opens and now I look to the future with a new outlook and perspective on life, it's an open book and I'm ready for the next chapter

      Comment

        #4
        Originally posted by The Doctor View Post
        She does get extreme bouts of depression yes
        Well there is your answer. Depression is an extremely complicated issue, and there are many threads on this forum on how to support/deal with an SO who is depressed. (Just do a search, I'm sure some of it will be useful to you!) This is out of your control and for a large part out of hers too. Is she getting professional help?

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          #5
          She isn't no and no matter how many times I've talked to her about getting professional help she just keeps sweeping it under the rug
          As one door closes another always opens and now I look to the future with a new outlook and perspective on life, it's an open book and I'm ready for the next chapter

          Comment

            #6
            Try underlining how important it is to you and her wellbeing to seek professional help. It's very hard to make the step, I know that all too well, but she has to let you close and allow you to help and really make those changes for herself. If she keeps letting the issues weigh down the relationship, instead of seeking help, that's unfair to the both of you. A relationship doesn't replace a therapist.

            ~
            It'll take a lot more than words and guns
            A whole lot more than riches and muscle
            The hands of the many must join as one
            And together we'll cross the river

            Comment

              #7
              How is her family doing? is her little brother fine?
              I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
              - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



              "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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                #8
                Her parents just treat her like crap and they home school her little brother because he has cerebral palsy and just isolate him from any kind of social contact apart from taking him out to Wal Mart on occasion or they're Mother's work place and he doesn't really have any friends of his own which is why another goal of ours is when anything happens to her parents we'll be able to become his carers and actually take him out to things
                As one door closes another always opens and now I look to the future with a new outlook and perspective on life, it's an open book and I'm ready for the next chapter

                Comment

                  #9
                  Originally posted by Miasmata View Post
                  Try underlining how important it is to you and her wellbeing to seek professional help. It's very hard to make the step, I know that all too well, but she has to let you close and allow you to help and really make those changes for herself. If she keeps letting the issues weigh down the relationship, instead of seeking help, that's unfair to the both of you. A relationship doesn't replace a therapist.
                  I agree with this!

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Originally posted by The Doctor View Post
                    Her parents just treat her like crap and they home school her little brother because he has cerebral palsy and just isolate him from any kind of social contact apart from taking him out to Wal Mart on occasion or they're Mother's work place and he doesn't really have any friends of his own which is why another goal of ours is when anything happens to her parents we'll be able to become his carers and actually take him out to things
                    That's like the last thing you should be worrying about right now, no matter how much it sucks. If she can't take care of herself, and put any effort in the relationship because she won't look for help, how is she supposed to take care of a child? For real, your and her priority should be her mental health and your relationship, not your future closed-the-distance family situation details.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      What MissButterfly said. So much.

                      Also, if she is deprssed you can't take her lack of affection personal. She's not being herself. She can't snap out of "just being in a dark mood all the time" either. Depression is not a mood, its an illness. It's really important to understand this. I agree she needs help but she will have to make that decision for herself. It's extremely hard for some depressed people to go this step because they are blaming themselves, feel like searching help equals failing or are ashamed.

                      I suggest you read up and educate yourself propely about what depression is. there are lots of tips around on how to help a loved one with depression and yourself (which is equally important) in a situation like this. you will find not all of them work but some. It can be tough but its doable. Good luck!

                      Comment

                        #12
                        I am not saying that because your GF has depression you should split up - but I think you need to ask yourself if she is unwilling to compromise on visits, is accusing you of 'falsely' loving her, and refusing to seek help, you need to ask yourself quite carefully, is this a position you are willing to sustain long term. Does this make you happy?

                        all relationships go through ups and downs, but when it becomes one sided, and there is a way for this to get more balanced and one party chooses not to, you do need to sometimes make the hard calls.

                        Does your GF know how unhappy her behaviour is making you - and that you are questioning the relationship as a result of it?

                        If not, then I'd suggest you talk to her about it, and let her know that this current situation doesn't work for you and if she can't work with you in some way to make you feel like it is more balanced, then the relationship doesn't have a future longer term

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Originally posted by The Doctor View Post
                          Her parents just treat her like crap and they home school her little brother because he has cerebral palsy and just isolate him from any kind of social contact apart from taking him out to Wal Mart on occasion or they're Mother's work place and he doesn't really have any friends of his own which is why another goal of ours is when anything happens to her parents we'll be able to become his carers and actually take him out to things
                          It is sweet that she cares about her brother so much and sees a future where you are part of the family, however right now she needs to take care of herself. It is very common that siblings of children with special needs feel neglected. Some places are adressing this problem. Is she working, in school?
                          I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                          - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                          "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                          Comment

                            #14
                            You may remember me from chat or I have posted in my own thread here. My SO is dealing with a lot and may be depressed to a certain extent and anyway in a situation with father's hospice that he cannot get away. It is naturally a time for a relationship, especially LDR, where we here at the other end don't get the attention we feel we deserve and it may be open like in my case when I might see him next. But I think there needs to be some kind of hope for the future, enough contact to know that the love and commitment is still there. I've been struggling so much and felt so alone. I understand how it is for you. If depression is strong at her end, even more so. I've done everything from cutting contact to frequent notes expression my love and longing and I don't always get the reaction from him I want. But I know he'd be here if he could and he has longer history with his parents than with me. We have the future, his parents don't.

                            So one sided within limits is okay. If she says she needs space and she can't be there for you as before while she's dealing with the situation. Then I would say it's okay. But if she leaves you hanging (I've been there...) that feels so horrible when you don't know what to think of it, then you can ask to know where you two stand and she is not trying to avoid talking to you for any other reason and her feeling have not changed. We had all the right plans and he would be here right now if his father didn't suddenly get in such a bad shape. But when it's not forever and there is light at the end of the tunnel, you can make it. You just need to know if that's the case, in as much as she can tell you right now. I hope it goes well for you.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Depression is not something to stick around and see if it gets better, like any sickness it can lift but also more likely be worse with time if not treated. There are many treatment these days, anything for traditional pills and therapy to exersise, mindfulness and physical therapy. My cousin's fiance told me as little as one month of weekly mindfulness sessions has proven effective on depression, she is a trained psycologist who researces mindfulness and workout treatments against depression. I also recently heard there are some electrical feedback treatments for depression. I realize that deep depressions make it hard to start a treatment and that money and time can be an issue, but the only other option is to keep on being miserable or numb.

                              I did pills and talk back in the days. I didn't even realize I was depressed, because I didn't feel sad. Lots of emotions can be depression: anger, ironic distance, carelessness or even just feeling empty. The number one common faktor is thinking you can't change your situation, that you are stuck and have to this and have to that. Not denying that life comes with limits, we often create our own and then they become our prison.
                              Last edited by differentcountries; May 3, 2015, 02:51 AM.
                              I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                              - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                              "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                              Comment

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