How to keep hope ?

[Berenice]

Hi everyone

So, i wanted to ask you guys how you keep hope, especially when you know that closing the distance is not gonna happen in the next 2-3 yrs.

I am a student in France, my boyfriend is a soon to be doctor in America.
Although I tried to look for scolarships to study closer to him, is too late, too expensive and too complicated for me to go and become a student there for next year. And then from 2016 to 2018, I'll be in a school in Paris (that's the plan). As for him, his medical degree is not accepted in Europe, so he cannot come and work here.

I went to see him for 3 months January to April. It was great, and now that I'm back, the missing and all is hitting me right in the face.
I thought I was gonna be strong like the first time (we were separated July to December last year), but it's just been 3 weeks and I feel like I'm becoming more and more hopeless and annoying.
Everytime we skype (every other day) I find my self sad and whining cause I don't know when we're gonna see each other again, when we'll be closing the distance, etc.
I always put pressure on him, asking him to give me answers that he doesn't have. He's such a good and loving person, always trying to make me smile and forget about the long distance pain. But most of the time, I look at him angrily cause I feel like he's not taking my pain seriouslty, he's making fun of me, or he doesn't understant cause he doesn't care. I put some much pressure on him, even though I know it's not a good solution.

I'm currently writing my phesis for my master's degree, and he's studying for exams. He also has two part-time jobs that he's gonna have to resume when the exam is done next month. Both of us are very busy, we reduced time of skyping and are not sending each other messages as often as before. I started feeling anxious, thinking what if we reduce our communication time even more ? What if we just forget about each other ? what if I wake up one day and realise we haven't send each other messages for a week, and it felt okay ? I know it's not that dramatic, some people have it way worse than we do, but it makes me feel stressed out and anxious.
I also started to think about our future together, closing the distance. Am I gonna find a job where he is ? What if I can't ? What if I don't get the visa, and we have to keep doing this forever ?

All these questions unanswered keep me away from working, getting things done and most importantly, keep me away from being happy. I generally am an optimistic person, always looking at the bright side of things, but it's getting harder and harder.

So yeah, I was wondering how you guys kept and are keeping hope, and how you cope with all the stress and the pain of not being able to be near the person you love.

Thank you very much for the answers.

Berenice

[Ella85]

It can be so hard when there is no light at the end of the tunnel. My boyfriend and I are looking at trying to close the distance sometime next year. I think the best thing you can do is try and figure out when you can next make a trip and instead of looking at the whole picture just look forward to the trip. This is how I cope. I went in february and I'm going in July than December. Even if it is just 'we will try and do a visit in x month' It'll give you something to look forward to.

You need to try and distract yourself because constantly thinking about the distance is going to make you miserable. I do think about it a lot and I miss my boyfriend so much. But I have a calendar on my phone that I put my appointments etc on and see what I have to get done to count down another week until I can see him. This is my coping mechanism. You need to find something that works for you.

[Berenice]

You're right, I remenber I had a calendar last time, I should have it again.
We are in the period right after when you see each other again, when you don't really know when next time is gonna be cause it's too soon. We might be able to see each other in august, but he's also trying to build his (professional) life in America, and he can't just leave like that. I could probably go in August, but I'm a student, it's expensive and I don't want to rely on my parents all the time. I can save and he can help me, but should I just spend my money and go ?
I always tend to believe that we only have one life, and I'll be more disappointed by the things I didn't do than by the things I did, but I also want to do things right, earn some money and save and be able to have a good life and build a nice one for us. So it's like constant battle in my mind.
Anyways thanks for the advice, I have to be more patient and try to be happy, even though withoug him by my side.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I was going to say the exact same thing: plan for the next time you'll see each other, not the end. I am in a similar situation, as I still have years of school to go. My SO will be looking for a job near me, but it is very hard to get a visa so we aren't putting too much hope on that being in the near future. I am to leave this visit without knowing at least a tentative date of when we will see each other next. It's hard because everything is up in the air, but I can't handle not knowing when I will see him next. In my opinion, it's harder not knowing than it is knowing it'll be X amount of time before you see your SO, even if that is a year. One step at a time (I know, easier said than done!). I keep trying to remind myself that a few years is NOTHING if you intend to spend the rest of your life with someone!

[farandaway]

Oh, I can sooooo relate to that. When you can plan the future it really helps. But you can't always do that then just keep your spirits up knowing that you two love each other and you will conquer it somehow some day.

Last year we had over a year when we didn't see each other because of his situation and splitting from ex. It was going to be months but it was over a year. Then we saw each other 3 times within 3 months and now it's happened again. He is stuck taking care of his life and we have no definate plans other than eventually we will meet again and eventually we will be together. It is really hard and some days are even harder. I can't always handle it and I am the same way, angry and upset at him even though I know if he could he would be with me right now. It is not fair towards him but he is just so much more patient than I am. I have my moods and I can't always accept our situation but it is what it is and still I know that I want to be with him and wait out until our future. I consider that we still have a long life ahead of us together and you are so much younger. Think how nice it will be when both of you have gratuated and have your careers and you can be independant in that way. It will be easier to build a future together then. LDRs are so hard but also so rewarding.

[differentcountries]

Both of us are very busy, we reduced time of skyping and are not sending each other messages as often as before. I started feeling anxious, thinking what if we reduce our communication time even more ? What if we just forget about each other ? what if I wake up one day and realise we haven't send each other messages for a week, and it felt okay ? I know it's not that dramatic, some people have it way worse than we do, but it makes me feel stressed out and anxious.
I also started to think about our future together, closing the distance. Am I gonna find a job where he is ? What if I can't ? What if I don't get the visa, and we have to keep doing this forever ?

I very much doubt you will just forget about each other. the feelings are there even when the mind is not on it constantly.

When the time comes to actively start looking to close the distance, which sounds like in 2-3 years time, it is not very likely that you will find a job where he is right away. The reason for this is that you will be fresh from education. You may have to get some work experience in the field first. The other option to consider is fiance or marriage visa.

A few words on "forever": Forever is frightening because it can seem like a trap with no way out. it may indeed seem like we are "sentenced" to our love sometimes. forever holds that void of the unknown. It can be heavy not knowing, because it may seem like there is nothing to lean on, like waiting for the bus in the rain. Still, it is sometimes so that we don't know for good reason. The facts of life will reveal themselves as we roll along, and the good plans are made along the way. Believe me, that was not an easy sentiment for me to start getting aquainted with! I am a planner with a bit of a control side, and I am used to seeing that as mainly a good thing because I have often made stuff happen that way. But a LDR can't always be planned, and we have to bite the dust of thinking we are in control of our lives.

Pema Chodron - my favourite buddhist num- writes in one of her books that people wanting to be in control are like baby birds not wanting to be thrown out of the nest. She also says that we usually do what we can to avoid unpleasentness, when that isn't really bringing us much happiness at all and it is much better for us to succumb to grieving our loss of control and becoming friends with the feeling. If you feel at all depressed and like a control freak, I reccomend reading her; it will be like a mental work-out, painful but very useful.

[Berenice]

Thanks for all your messages, it feels reassuring to know I'm not alone feeling that way.
He is more patient than I am, that's for sure.
Lately we haven't talk a lot, which makes me even more sad and upset.
I feel all these feelings are making me see things worse than they really are, if not completely in the wrong way. Sometimes I feel like i'm looking at things with the wrong glasses. For example, he is patient but I tend to interpret it as a careless attitude. I feel like I'm the only one who's worried about the future, the only one who's thinking about it. But when I take a step back (easier said than done), I realise he might be thinking and worrying about it a lot too, but he's just not talking about it.
I don't really know what to do, should I tell him to talk about it to me, so that I don't feel so lonely, or is it actually a good thing for us that at least one of us manages to get his head out of it ?
I feel like I'm doing all the talk, all the work, all the worrying, I feel like I'm the one who's making 80% of the work when we speak to each other.
How do you do when your bf is busy and you can only talk for 10minutes a day ?

Anyways, that's other problems, and it's just today, it might actually get better in a few hours. I wish I was as patient and hopefull as he is...


Thanks for your answers again.

[differentcountries]

I am not sure I understand why he only has ten minutes to talk a day. But it seems you would like him to talk about his feelings more. Remember that not everyone likes to talk about their feelings often, or do it in the manner you are used to. Perhaps you can get him to open up once in a while. Perhaps you can back off talking about closing the distance so much.

[SailorRei]

Your situation and feelings match so perfectly with mine! My SO and I know that the closest date for any CD will be in 2 years, when I'm done with school. A while ago he told me that he could consider moving to europe for me, but i know that he didn't like my city when he was visiting and he has much better options in US. And he really doesn't want to talk about future, which just makes me even crazier (more than usual planning freak). If you love each other and are committed to making it work, and want to spend life together- it's worth the wait. Get better education, some work experience on the side and then plan to settle for a cozy life together.

When you are both busy with daily life, and having this huge time difference really can restrain your time to talk down to lunch breaks. My way is to just stop worrying about what will happen in 2-3 years, and enjoying what i have now (loving bf on the other side of the world) and plan the next trip!

[hmrambling]

My way is to just stop worrying about what will happen in 2-3 years, and....

This.

I focus on today. I can only do one day at a time. So I focus on today. It gets really tough when I get into 'future thinking'.

[differentcountries]

There is a balance between living in the today and planning towards a future. If you do things that will be good for toway while still looking towards the future, that will be really good for your relationship. Focus on keeping in touch and planning visits.

[differentcountries]

It is not polite to ask fellow long distance couples for money. We all try to fund our own travels, and especially for us who do international that can become quite costly. It may be a geniune cause, but each and everyone of us have our own "genuine cause" to fiance, and even those who closed the distance often have expenses keeping in touch with family.

[Berenice]

Hi guys !

Thanks for all the answers.It's kinda funny, because as soon as I stopped talking so much about closing the distance, he started doing it. So the day after I posted here, he called me and while we were skyping, he said he was sick of the distance, that we needed to make some proper plan to be together, and be closing the distance earlier than we had planned. Of course I got super excited (too much).
To explain a little bit more about his situation : he has a medical background (Doctor of Medicine) but still hasn't done his residency. He gave up on medicine after graduating 4yrs ago, and for some reasons (complicated and long) hasn't got back to medicine until this year. Now he has an exam to pass before he can apply for residency next year.

He says to me that medicine is not his passion, that he is sick and tired of it, and that he doesn't care if he doesn't work as a doctor.He says he doesn't mind coming to France and become a teacher or a bar-tender. Although it is extreme, I do think the truth behind it is that he realizes he is 30yrs old and he has followed advices of other people all his life, which has led him to do something he doesn't really like.

ANYWAYS, he talked about coming to France, and us living together as soon as like next summer (2016). I got all my hopes up, started searching for a public health master's degree (something he said he has been wanting to do for a long time) that he could do here, and without detailing all the pros of this program, it does looks like the perfect plan.
After he his done with his exam, I know I'm gonna try to convince him to come here. I also know I am not being objective on this, but honestly it is a good program that will allow him to work within two years, instead of another 4 yrs of residency with minimum wage (if not at all). I am not saying anything to try to convince him yet, because I think it would still be good to pass this exam (just in order to not have a feeling of failure).

What I really wanted to say here is that I am scared that he gets scared of moving here. All in all coming here would be a big step, a big change for him, even if I think it is for the best (both for him and for us). I asked him, "is it bad that I don't want you to do residency?" because this is actually how I feel.

I'm sorry I don't make a lot of sense and I don't actually know how to end this post :/

[R&R]

I would say that you need to do quite a bit of research before trying to convince him to come there. Have you looked at the Visa process, what is required and the cost? Also, if he is to go to school there, how is he going to pay for school? The US loan programs generally will not give loans to students going to school overseas.

[Berenice]

I did do some research: the program will deliver lessons in english, it is 2yrs program with professional experiences. He will have to apply for a student visa,which the school can help him with. The school is pricey, but still a lot cheaper than american programs in university. I also checked the scolarships he can apply to, and between american and french ones, there's some 40 scolarchip he can apply for. Student life in France is easier than in America. As a student (even a foreign one), you can ask help from the government both to pay for your education but also to pay the rent for example. You don't have to take loans.
Plus he can always ask help from his parents, even if I think it's better to be independant (especially at his age).

Overall it really is interesting, the diploma he's gonna get is an international one, so we can still go back to USA and work there if he doesn't like it here.
The problem is more with his perception of it. I think he still feels like he's a failure if he doesn't do residency. I totally understand how he can get this feeling, but I think he needs to change how he sees it. Changing path is not a failure, but if he wants to make a change, I think he needs to do it now.
I'm still unsure about his feelings towards a clinical/residency future : does he really honestly dislikes it ? is it because he's studying and this test is hard ? is it what makes him sick right now ? does he say he hates it because he is depressed only ?

There's a lot of questions unanswered, I try to talk to him about it, but as I said earlier, it is hard for him to talk about his feelings. Whenever I try to explore a little bit more his feelings, I bump into a giant wall of "I don't know". 'I don't know what makes me sad, I don't know how to reduce it, I don't know what words, gestures, situations, etc trigger my sadness".
It's very hard and he would probably need to take care of this asap, which is what I've been telling him for a long time. But that's another issue.

To go back to this program, it does sound to me that it's what we need right now. I just have to let him decide, I don't want to influence him too much.