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He doesnt really know what love is

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    #1

    He doesnt really know what love is

    He is adopted, has some issues with foster family and he feels like no one loves him.
    so that day he texted me saying he found something about himself that i might not like and he showed me an article about something like:

    Children who do not develop a secure bond are less likely to find and believe in love or feel love for another person. They can become adept at mimicking the emotion without genuinely feeling it themselves. This phenomenon is common with children from adoptive centers who have spent the majority of their life in the care of a non nurturing care giver.

    he said he is fear on commitment and hard to believe that someone really loves him.

    i feel like i should give him support and time figuring it out but ever since he told me about it sometimes i dont feel he's loving me although he still says "i love you" and sometimes he just replies me with "same here baby" when i say it which never happened before he told me about this article. It hurts me.
    What should i do? Am i too sensitive and bad for feeling that way? i cant talk to him about this because i dont want to pressurize him or making him feel bad.


    hope my english is understandable
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    #2
    In my opinion, the fact that he told you and that he recognizes it is a good start! Everyone is capable of loving. Some people just need to work a little harder at it! This means that you will need to support him a lot in his journey, but you can do that by just continuing to love and care for him and hope that he will begin to feel secure enough to truly feel that emotion within your relationship.

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      #3
      My husband is adopted too, and he told me quite early on that he has abandonment issues and that that is common for adopted people. He is lucky though, he was adopted when he was only 7 months old and apparently he was cuddled with a lot (he was born with big, sad, teddy bear eyes). The babies who are not quite so "charming" sadly tend to suffer a lot more. He is quite desperate of being abandoned, but luckily (?) I have some abandoment issues of my own (which is why I waited to drop my ex when it all went south), so I can relate to that.

      It is common for people who experience bad things to get a bit emotionally numb, it is like a wall that makes it hard to feel anything. When you feel numb, it is not hard to act a scene, because you don't feel affected. I am not sure that is quite what your boyfriend was trying to tell you though. He might need time and your help to better get to know himself in a safe environment. Him holding back on the I love you's until he truely knows what he is feeling doesn't mean he does NOT care about you.

      Think of it like trying on a new taste that looks delicious. You might have a general idea that it is good, but if you don't have the right environment to taste it, you can't fully know that it tastes like. He is asking you for time. I know it hurts, but if you can find it in you to be understanding, then give him space for a while. Perhaps read up on adoptees and especially if anyone have any tips.
      I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
      - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



      "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

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        #4
        My SO was also in foster care often up to around a year ago. At the start of our relationship was when he went back into foster care and he struggled a lot. You just have to be there for him and show him that no matter what, you'll always be there for him and you'll be his rock - I did that and thankfully now he's in a much better place.
        Like MissingMyDutchLove said, everyone is capable of loving and he's going through a hard time so is feeling down about it, but as long as you show him that you care for him no matter what and you'll be by his side to help, he'll come to realise that you do truly love him and hopefully be able to build on the relationship with you and start feeling more confident about it.

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          #5
          Originally posted by MissingMyDutchLove View Post
          In my opinion, the fact that he told you and that he recognizes it is a good start! Everyone is capable of loving. Some people just need to work a little harder at it! This means that you will need to support him a lot in his journey, but you can do that by just continuing to love and care for him and hope that he will begin to feel secure enough to truly feel that emotion within your relationship.
          yea i appreciate that he told me what hes really thinking thanks for the advice.. i have to be strong for him

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            #6
            I'm adopted but never felt that in my familly (I call them familly). Though I have felt that with friends. Sometimes you do think of your bio familly and why they left you, why you got into this familly. And especially if you feel that no ones loves you, you begin to think why you are here (at least I did).

            Be supportive as much as you feel you can (you have to think of yourself too) and just be there. If you feel you still want him you should wait a bit until it's calmed with his emotions and all that. I'm very emotional myself and I tend to not care about things as food, school, familly and friends and of course my SO. But after my emotional waves I get myslef back. Or how to say it, it's hard to describe.

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