Find it very hard

[Danny3320]

This is my first post here.

abit about us, I'm danny, 23 from the uk and she is called cady and is 22 with a 3 year old daughter from the US

we have been friends for over a year we met while online gaming ( GTA 5 of all games to meet on), we discovered our feelings for each other and become boyfriend and girlfriend on the 8th December 2014, i was saying i love with in days and her within the week and we have been video calling each other every day since for at least 6 hours a day, we sleep on the phone together sometimes too.

we feel we comfortable with each other and want the same things in life, we love each other so much.

we had our first meeting a few weeks ago, i flew out to see her on the 30th April, and stayed till 16th May, we had the most amazing time, it was incredible spending time together with her and her daughter, she was everything i expected and so much more. we got engaged on the trip too.

ive not been a very out going person growing up and very shy, and experienced very little, i was always holding off till i found the right person. when i found that person i felt great, then we had the trip and i experienced everything i've been wanting for years with the most amazing person... and now i'm back i feel like my heart has been ripped out, i want to cry all the time, i have no appetite and throw up... happens more in the morning and at work, been sent home from work sick... i have too much thinking time at work and it plays on my mind alot... she is always on my mind.

i have alot of support at home, but its from people who dont understand fully i think
i get told to focus on the positives but its hard to do, they are starting to give tough love now

we have been looking into the next step of moving her here, which is what she wants.
i think it would be easier to go there on a k-1 visa and marry within 90 days but she would like to come here and my family wants her here

its scary looks like there are alot of hoops to jump, and i dont have all the requirements.
she is working but her parents taking alot of the money as she lives with them

i also living in my parents house, where she was meant to be staying but ive been told i have to own my own house
also at the end of an apprenticeship so i'm not earning alot and i will not hit the requirement for earnings to support them

its killing me that i wont be able to see them again for so long
i love her so much

[Kapwned]

1. Been together for 5 months, and already engaged
2. Sent into crippling depression when apart
3. Not financially stable or independent
4. She has a child

These are all factors that tell me you guys need to slow down, take a deep breath, and chill. You'll be fine.

Having that initial post trip funk and crying is normal, but you sound like it's debilitating which to me seems like it's dipping into the realms of a bit much. I don't want to jump the gun and say it's unhealthy, but you've got to do something. It's not typical to go plummeting into a deep debilitating depression and it's not necessarily a romantic thing either. It can be a sign of something unhealthy.

There is nothing wrong with feeling you've met the one after having been together for 5 months, but to be engaged to most people is jumping the gun a bit. I'm not telling you how to live your life off of this factor alone. But give the circumstances of your relationship, I get the vibe you guys just want to get on with your lives together and that's why this engagement happened and with your type of relationship that probably won't easily happen.

And you are somewhat correct with the financial stability. Most countries require spousal sponsorship in which you are required to make enough to financially support the two of you. And in this situation it's 3 of you. You can't move her over there until you've fixed this. It wouldn't be fair to move her and a child over there to end up living with your parents.

And most importantly, always remember that she has a child. This isn't just yours and her life changing, but she has a child who is in this mix. The child's life will change drastically too. And you better make sure it's for the long haul. It's not fair to bring a person into a child's life to play an active role, relocate the child (or relocate the parent away from the child), and then take it all back. Also, is the father involved? If so, she will likely face legal issues if the father has joint custody. If he is guaranteed visitation and custody rights, she cannot simply move across the world.

If anything, the child is reason enough to take this whole process slowly and make sure everything is done correctly and will result in the greatest stability for the kid, and not necessarily the quickest and easiest path.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it but I am honestly getting the vibe that you don't have a lot of experience in relationships and that you're still in your initial puppy love phase.

[differentcountries]

You came home from your first trip less than a week ago, of course you feel bad... I couldn't stop crying after my first visit, and SO felt really sick and he even threw up . That doesn't mean you will not learn how to stomack being apart. To me the difference was that after a couple of visits, I found a rythm to it. You might feel better if you try to plan the next visit. Perhaps it would be a good idea for her to visit you, so she can see for herself the country she may consider immigrating to.

[whatruckus]

I honestly can not agree more with Kapwned. Your whole relationship seems extremely rushed. You barely know each other as a couple, and trust me...it's a lot different than just being friends. It seems like you haven't thought A LOT of things through and just went with the moment at the time. You seriously need to understand the immigration process, whether she goes to you, or you to her. I also can not emphasize the fact that she has a child, by another man, enough. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but you need to realize that there will always be that child in your lives, and her child will always come first to her. She can't just pick up and leave the States to come move to you. If the father is involved, and she tried to do something without letting him know, she could lose custody of her child. Or, her child can be declared Kidnapped if she goes about things the wrong way.

You guys, especially your relationship, are so young. Slow down.

Also, to assume that she could move in with you and your parents is pretty naive. Where would her child stay as well? You've barely got enough money for yourself, and you still need to live with your parents, how can you support you, her, and her child?

And, not to be a Debbie Downer, but my ex was the first serious relationship I was in. I thought he was the best and I thought we were going to get married because that's all we talked about. I was inexperienced, immature, and extremely naive. I was 19 then too. We were together for 5 years. I thought the universe of him, and he turned out be a dirt bag. I don't want to tell you that your SO may not be the "one", but like I said before, you've barely just begun this relationship. You've not even experienced what being in a relationship together is like. In my opinion, like the others have said, you're still in this puppy love, honeymoon, phase. Where all you want to do is be with your SO, everyday, all day, no matter what it takes.

There's so many things you need to consider before closing the distance. Housing, job situations, what will she do with her kid...etc.

[Zephii]

International long distance is hard. Very hard. And expensive. And it takes a long time. These are the facts. There isn't a short cut. There isn't an easy option. Nothing is going to make it all better. It blows, but that's how it is. So you are either up for it, or you are not. If you're all in, and it seems you are, then you do need to be able to focus on the positives. You do need to take control of your thoughts and your life, and your budget. You do need to learn how to wait. And you need to know how to deepen and grow relationships at a distance.

These are all very do-able things. But you must understand, you can not succeed at this if you feel sorry for yourself. Eventually that negativity rots the soul out of your relationship, and it's over. We see it on a fairly regular basis here. So if you can't get a hold of these feelings and begin to somehow cope on your own, seek professional support to do so.

You can do this! And it is worth it. It is SO VERY WORTH IT. But you are going to have to slow down and work hard. It isn't easy, and it doesn't actually get easier. (You get better at it though ) Welcome to the community. There's a lot of tough love here too, but over all, we're good people and we are in this together.

[Danny3320]

The father isn't in he picture, he also isn't on the birth certificate

I don't think we got engaged too quick, I think you know when you found the one and when you can't see them again for a long time I don't see the problem with doing it now.

I do want things to move quickly, if we were together in person we would be further ahead. We know each other extremely well, we talk more than any average couple who see each other everyday

She wants to move to the UK

[Kapwned]

We're not trying to discourage you, but you are amongst people who do have experience with the entire process (or are in the process). We're just trying to be realists. It's not a smooth, easy, or cheap process. Things can't just move quickly when it comes to immigration whether you want them to or not. It's definitely not as easy as they make it look in the films, especially when you're starting from a point of financial instability.

[Zephii]

I do want things to move quickly, if we were together in person we would be further ahead. We know each other extremely well, we talk more than any average couple who see each other everyday

She wants to move to the UK

Yeah, sadly mate, it really doesn't work like that. You can do it the long, slow, expensive, legal way. Or you can give up now. Those are your options. That's it.

It's all great to say "If we were together in person..." but you're not. That's how it is. It's like me saying "I'd be so much further ahead if I were a billionaire." It's true; I'd be way ahead. But I'm not one, so talking about it doesn't get me anywhere. You have to work with what you actually have. And physical proximity isn't in your tool box. You see?

What you need to do, in order for this to be as quick and painless as possible, is to research the visa path you are taking and break it down into small manageable steps so you don't freak out when you tackle it. (Trust me on this!)
Then you need to make a plan to meet the requirements. You might need to take another job. You might need to have a really restrictive budget so you can get the savings you need (also, please note, if you have really impressive savings that you can prove, a lot of governments will overlook low income. This is how Obi and I did it. There's no way I could have sponsored him otherwise on a part-time checkout chick wage )
You also do have to prove your relationship. You might not care that you've only just met, and you might think you talk more than all other couples, and that's great. But the government DO care. They want proof that it's a long term relationship that's going to last. They want to see you investing in a future together. They want to see proof that you work as a team. These things take time to build up and make believable.

Me personally? I'm happy to take your word for it all. I personally don't care how fast you get engaged or how much time you've actually spent in each other's company. But I'm not the one granting the visa. And that dude? That dude cares a lot. So if it looks a bit rushed and fishy to random strangers on a forum where everyone is LDR positive, imagine how it looks to this dude who has a limited number of immigration spots to fill and a pile of paperwork reaching his/her eyebrows.

[Ahava]

I'm not going to comment on the visa etc stuff, just wanted to point out that they have known each other/been friends for over a year, so in a way it's not that much of jumping the gun with the engagement.

Welcome to LFAD and wish you and your girlfriend all the best

[whatruckus]

Even if he is not in the picture or on the birth certificate, there are ways he can be a douche and try to come back. Especially if she tries to take her kid to you, and he finds out about it and doesn't like it. I'm just preparing you.

And, listen to the people who are trying to explain the immigration process to you. It doesn't happen 1, 2, 3 like you want it to.

There are couples on here who've been waiting a while for theirs to be accepted.

[Ella85]

Don't get me started in immigration in regards to children. I have a kid, my boyfriend has a kid and my ex is in the US. I am lucky in that regard. I just got done with one lot of court proceedings and I mostly got what I asked for. I have travel authorization I can take my daughter out of the country for up to a month with out consent. If she doesn't have sole custody he can demand blood tests etc he could stop her from traveling with the little girl. I'm not saying it will happen but it's a possibility, in this scenario you would be best going to her. Finances are going to be your biggest issue by the looks of things. You'd be looking at a lot of legal situations with this and it's going to take careful planning and a lot of paperwork and money. You will need to be earning more if she is going to come here. £18,600 and then I think it's £2000-3000 per child. It doesn't look like that will change any time soon either.

3 is a good age, she still has time to adjust. But having just got done with 2 very big court situations, one with my divorce and one with my child arrangements I am telling you it's stressful. I am at some stage going to have to go back to court again and I am not looking forward to it.

I understand after trip funk, I have stress and anxiety which isn't a secret, I had a very hard time after my trip and it took me around 2 months to sort myself out after I got back. I was crying every night, it took me 3 or 4 weeks to be able to not cry when we hung up our skype calls at night. But I do deal with it now where as I did not before.

I won't say anything about amount of time and engagement as my ex and I got married on my first visit to him and I'd known him 4 years before we met. It ended terribly. Imo your timeline is fine, just be aware that you need an extended amount of physical time together to know if this is really going to work. My boyfriend and I haven't discussed all the visa stuff yet, just said we will this summer and we'll decide how we are going to close the distance in the summer.

You will find it easier over time, it is hard. But thats what you get when you sign up for an LDR, they aren't easy. Kapwned nailed it. There is a lot of good advice there.