Have to wait almost a year

[fredwiggy]

Met beautiful,good woman in Thailand last month. I was there to meet another woman, and she told me to stay at a certain hotel. I went to lunch a couple of times with her, and was sitting in the hotel lounge and this beauty walks in. She worked there. When our eyes met, we both knew there was chemistry there. After talking to her a few times,watching the Songkran parade and a concert,we took a walk down the street. We sat on a bench and were pretty close to one another and we both got that feeling. I asked permission to kiss her and that was all it took. We were inseparable from that point on. I took her to Kanchanaburi for the best three days I've ever spent with anyone in my life. When time came I had to fly back home, we both cried for an hour. We both feel the same love for each other. This is one time in this old man's life (58,) that I know this is something I can't let go. It's only been two weeks since I left and we are both missing each other so much it hurts. I plan on going back in September as I can't wait until March to see her again. She wants to move here with her daughter (7) who I love also. I've sent her flowers,which she's never gotten before, and a care package with snacks and a cd player and cd's, plus pictures. I take all advice,but I know this is all about waiting for paperwork,checks,more time waiting etc. I can't wait to have her back here in the states. I'm going to use a fiancee visa. I make just under the minimum for 2 people,so I have to ask my son in law for sponsor help,which I know he'll do. Anyway I can get her here I'll try. I even considered moving to Thailand if the visa didn't work, but I don't want to leave behind my grown kids and 2 grandkids, so it would be better if she came here. Anyone with some advice on how to keep the romance alive I'll listen.

[snow_girl]

All I'd caution on is to take it slow. While you feel something, she could be feeling that green card. You've only known her for a little over a month.

[fredwiggy]

It's not that way in any way. I'm the one who initiated the idea of marriage and her moving here. She understands that it's to a foreign place, but she also senses I'm a good man that will love and cherish her and her daughter, something neither has had before.

[differentcountries]

Dear man in love. It sounds like you have proposed during your first meet or during the contact afterwords. While that is a very romantic thing to do, you need some time to know her better to realistically decide if this marriage is a good idea. Stay in contact through Skype and other means. If you can afford to, visit.

[whatruckus]

You only just met a month ago. How much can you know about someone in just a month? You do realize that you will have to have been with her for longer than a month before applying for any type of visa right? This would raise all sorts of red flags with immigration, especially if she's to come here to the States.

Also, not to burst your bubble, but anyone can look good to someone else if they do something that's never been done for them before. I thought my ex was amazing, because he was my first serious relationship. He wasn't. He was an a-hole.

I see your profile states that you are 58, shouldn't you know these things by now? Whether you initiated the talk of marriage first or not, you honestly do not know this woman. You only know what she tells you right now. A month is nothing. The first month of my boyfriend and I dating, I had no idea how bad his PTSD was, how afraid he was, how committed he would be, etc. Hell, I wasn't even sure we would even work out. How old is this woman compared to you? As of now, I really do feel it could be the whole green card thing. Even though you said you talked about marriage first. It doesn't matter, she could now see you as her ticket to the US and manipulate you. I honestly think it was big mistake bringing that up when you know nothing about her. Extremely naive, and something I would think a 15 year old would do, not someone in your matured age. I understand that this woman may seem amazing to you, but like I keep saying...you basically just met.

You don't know if she's really in it for the long run. Be honest with yourself and be realistic. I feel like you're living in this fantasy, dream, bubble because you're so excited to have met her and think the world of her. I don't mean to come off as rude and condescending, but it really seems like you've painted this whole mural of a woman you barely know, and have only been with for a month or so (if you are in a romantic relationship). Slow it down and get to know her. Everyone seems glamorous when you first meet them.

[Petals]

Hi there,

You may feel like people are being judgemental about your love interest but at this stage you have to be cautious and that's what posters are highlighting. My relationship moved fairly quickly and after one year of officially meeting in person we are married. We did however communicate daily for about 8 months before meeting in person and we spent a few months together before deciding that we were compatible enough to marry.

When your love interest is from a third world country, it is often hard to shake the stereotypy of 'green card digger' but there's the stereotype for a reason. There are numerous women from such countries who will do just about anything and marry just about anyone to get their hands on legal status in 1st world countries.

She maybe one of them or she may not. Being originally from a 3rd world country I'm not one of them, but I'm sure some people thought otherwise.

The point is- slow down and give the relationship time to develop. Temper your enthusiasm and at least for now, do not send her any money and avoid sending expensive gifts. She was surviving before you met her and she will. If she gets upset (or withdraw) that you are not helping her financially, this would be one indicator of her motives. Be warned that some of these women are smart though and know not to ask for money, so observe her overall behavior.

Protect your heart and your assets. You are 58 and don't seem to have much financially; you don't want to be left empty handed at retirement age.

Give the relationship TIME and observe carefully her actions. Take a few trips...trips maybe costly now but in the long run they might serve to be the cheaper option for you.

[fredwiggy]

I appreciate the advice. For the most part, it is sound, based on other's experiences. Yes, I'm 58, and I should by now know what it takes to make a relationship work, especially since I've read over 30 books on the subject. And been married two times and been with a lot of other women before. But, seeing that I was married two times before, to women that were damaged goods and both not lasting 9 years, one can never tell what one is getting in the long run anyway. Some things you can tell right off. When a woman wants you to pay for everything is a red flag. This one has never shown this. I'm a pretty good judge of character by now, knowing what signs to look for that might be trouble in the long run. I've known hundreds of people that were happy in their marriages only to get divorced after 1,5, and even 30+ years, so you never know what might happen in a relationship, especially if you don't have 2 people that are totally committed to making it last. She wasn't the one who initiated coming to the states, and was worried what she is leaving behind, not racing to the embassy with me in tow, but thinking about having me move there also. I'm hardly naive, though it might sound like it at first. If you've had a lot of relationships with women before, you can look back and see what you might have missed from the beginning, because it doesn't really take long before a person's true colors comes out, especially if you've been burned a few times before and know what to look for. I know you can't tell much in a month's time, but you can surely tell a few of the major things quickly. At my age, I really don't have much to lose, as I own everything I have, and she is the one, along with her daughter, who who would be benefiting also, especially from a loving, committed and financial standpoint. Her ex was a drug user playboy, something not unknown in Thailand, and something which any sane woman would love to see change for the better. She is 35, and not a child by any means. She has shown me her world, and been as generous and caring as any woman I've ever seen before, especially since she has very little to give. Most women are looking to be taken cared of, even the independent ones want security in love and commitment, and not just a deep wallet. She knows I'm not rich, and I'm looking for a little peace in my later years, something I haven't had as of yet. I just wanted to hear from others some advice on what to do to keep this alive for the year we have to wait for paperwork anyway. Time will tell in this and all relationships anyway.

[TaraMarie]

I'm curious. Who was the other woman you were meeting and having lunch with? And what happened with her?

[fredwiggy]

I met her on Thaicupid. After I met the lady at the hotel, I had to tell the first woman what happened. Chemistry is a hard thing to understand but when it happens,you go with it.

[Moon]

Being the cynical and jaded creature I am, I'll just focus on the immigration part.

I realize you're 58 and not some naive teenager, so I hope you realize I'm a very experienced LDR'er. Getting her here on a fiance visa after meeting once and knowing her for a month isn't going to happen, especially with her being Thai. Thailand is considered a high risk country to US immigration, they're going to scrutinize every aspect of your relationship. That's just the truth. You and she (if they'll give her a tourist visa) need more visits. You need more documentation, such as pictures, plane tickets, email, texts, joint accounts for anything, to prove this is a real relationship and not an "arrangement". Look around some of the older threads here, see what people have gone through, how they've done it and how some have failed, and learn about the immigration process into the US, especially from a high-risk country, it ain't no picnic Although visa journey is more focused on UK/US immigration, check them out, too.

Good luck to you, I hope it works out, and I hope even more that you're going into this absolutely knowing what a difficult and expensive journey it is.

[fredwiggy]

I'm going back in September. I have tickets,pictures of us, her daughter and us, and a visit to kanchanaburi, emails, flowers and packages sent, and a lengthy facebook message that would convince any non moron that we are a true couple and not an arrangement. I've researched this a lot, and the only thing that stands in our way is paperwork and time. I plan on going back ,after September, in March to the US embassy,with her and her daughter, with the completed paperwork to ask for the fiancee visa. I understand it's still in someone else's hands, which it shouldn't be because then it's up to them and not common sense, so I'm hoping I get someone with an IQ over 70 points to let it pass.

[MissButterfly]

You are making it seem like you believe anyone with an IQ over 70 would let her into the US. I feel that is very offensive and naive of you. While that might benefit your case, think about the state of the US as a country if they just let anyone in who has the proof that you have. They don't care about the one visit that you had. You're going to need records of a long time. I have no clue what would be convincing to them, but this definitely won't do. I remember someone from this forum who had a boyfriend in Mexico. They had been in a relatinship a long time, many visits, at least 10 times more proof of their relationship, and their visa still got denied every time. I believe that was even just for a tourist visa, let alone a fiancée visa. My point is: don't underestimate the process. You can't rush it. The sooner you'll apply, the less proof you have, the more money you'll lose. Regardless of if you can support her and her child, the visa process itself is very expensive too. Change your attitude towards the process, because if you think you have enough proof and it's a piece of cake, you're going to get hit pretty hard by reality. It's great that you're so in love and I wish you the best of luck, and please read the relevant threads in the 'closing the distance' forum.

[fredwiggy]

Quite the contrary, only a complete idiot wouldn't see us as a legitimate couple that wants to be together. The US denies legitimate people and allows access to terrorists every week. So ,who says who has the right? There are thousands of Thai women that are allowed into other countries each year with foreign boyfriends from all over the globe, and I'm asking to be married to a good woman with family ties, a child a job and a good history. I have a clean record, have paid my bills on time for over 30 years, and have family here. I will not give up until she is here with me, as we are looking to be a family, and all I want for a change is a good woman that is faithful and loves me for who I'am, and not what I have. I have the money to pay the $400 for the visa fees, and she is going to get passports for her and her daughter in the meantime. I know I have to go through what others have to in the process, so that wasn't my intent here anyway. All I'm asking is for advice on what to do to keep the relationship strong from a distance. I know thousands of married and unmarried couples have to endure this within the military every year, and they are the ones that I'm sure know what works. I'm in this for the duration,and it seems like she wants this as much as I do.

[differentcountries]

Quite the contrary, only a complete idiot wouldn't see us as a legitimate couple that wants to be together. The US denies legitimate people and allows access to terrorists every week. So ,who says who has the right? There are thousands of Thai women that are allowed into other countries each year with foreign boyfriends from all over the globe, and I'm asking to be married to a good woman with family ties, a child a job and a good history. I have a clean record, have paid my bills on time for over 30 years, and have family here. I will not give up until she is here with me, as we are looking to be a family, and all I want for a change is a good woman that is faithful and loves me for who I'am, and not what I have. I have the money to pay the $400 for the visa fees, and she is going to get passports for her and her daughter in the meantime. I know I have to go through what others have to in the process, so that wasn't my intent here anyway. All I'm asking is for advice on what to do to keep the relationship strong from a distance. I know thousands of married and unmarried couples have to endure this within the military every year, and they are the ones that I'm sure know what works. I'm in this for the duration,and it seems like she wants this as much as I do.

This is simply not true. You can think whatever you want on US foregin policy, or indeed the foreign polity of any country, but most will need for you to show either long visits or many visits to make it belieable to them that you are committed and staying commited. You have only just met, you are not even at this point a long term couple at any rate. I get it, I absolutely get it, you are so in love and time will only deepen that. That may be the truest of the true. But the immigration offices are not family and friends that will be swayed by watching your love alone. They want PROOF - and the biggest proofs here are time (which you don't have yet) and visits (you have not yet had a single visit where you specifically went to visit her). Don't think I am saying this to diminish your love - a month into our relationship, and also after just one visit where I did not go to visit him specifically, we knew we were in in for the long haul and the m word and more had been put on the table. I even sent him lots of money after having known the man less then two months! (must have been crazy) Still, while we had a good hunch about each other (he thought I was a woman who only do serious relationships, I thought he was a sensitive, hardworking, melancolic man), at that point, when our future was nothing but bliss there was so many experiences we had not yet shared, so many things we did not know about each other and each others' family and friends, and it is just very many levels to go through to get there. And that is just the personal stuff, between the two of you. Then there is also the practical stuff, where visa applications are very costly (not just for visa fees, but pictures, travel to embassy to do visa interview, fees to copy papers and so on), where people have to plan travels and work out futures in a very grounded sense that is just not possabe to forsee in the beginning of a relationship.

You already suspect that things will be hard, let me explain how complicated things can get... For him to even get a visitor visa to my country for a month, as my boyfriend of 1,5 years he had to travel a day to the embassy, I had to write him a formal invitation, prove how much I earn, fill out a form where I agreed that the state can demand that I pay the police to escort him out of the country if he misbehaves, and of course swear that I will cover all his expenses while he is here. I had to post copies of my passport to prove the number of visits I had to his country, tell them all about how we met.... That was after I had already met his family, something that they asked about a lot; if we had met each other's families. We had interview practices for several visits in the fall, just to get the forms right and to practice what he was going to say so he would not get nervous and unfocused. It is kind of like a very weird, formal job interview. That was just to have him over on a single VISIT. His best friend has a young son with a woman in my country, there is currently 3/4 year waiting time just to process family reunion applications (which resembles marriage visa with change of status in the US), they have dated 6 years with visits 4 times a year and they are still not guaranteed to have it granted.

What you have to do to keep the relationship strong: focus on humour, flirting, cooperation and trust. Call, Skype, use apps, send letters and packages in the mail (I sent him Norwegian jewlery the week after having first met him). You know what time the next visit will be, maybe make a countdown to ease the waiting time. Practice patience.

[fredwiggy]

Thank you for the advice. I do know that I have to go through the waiting period for the fiancee application, which after talking with 3 lawyers who do this for a living, and a number of forums and sites which specialize in this sort of thing, has told me that it's in general, about 3/4 of a year after you send in the application. I have talked to probably 4 couples and a number of Thai workers here, who have gotten family members here, that a few have married Thai women and have been granted a visa on their first visit, to a few that did the fiance visa and were granted within the same year, all of whom only came to Thailand one time. I flew there and found her, we had a great time together, and I have kept all records since which show that we are legitimate. I know when I go back in March (Third visit), that we have to have the completed applications and have to go to Bangkok for an interview,which she will have set up in advance, to talk to an agent and explain why we want her to come to the US. I know that I'll be dealing with a human being and not a computer, and you have put it into their hands to decide your fate,which is unfair but what can you do, so I have to hope that they can see us for what we really are, a man and a woman who really love each other, a little girl that needs a father, and a couple that wants to get married and become a family. By the time I go back for the third time, I will have sent a monthly package, weekly postcards and weekly emails, along with a facebook message that will be over a month long printed out and accessible, flowers every now and then, Baht to help her with paperwork and travel for passports etc. If I were to see this as an agent, I would certainly know that this was a legitimate couple wanting to be together. If all this doesn't work out, I can always move to Thailand and eat great food every day, be with the woman I love, and have a family there. If this woman stays by my side throughout this, which it seems she will, I won't have any recourse but to do whatever it takes to be with her.