SO as caregiver

[farandaway]

Some of you might know my story but maybe I don't want to get into it too much here. I would just like to know if anyone is in the same situation and how do you deal with it. My SO is almost sole caregiver to his father who is in hospice care and his mom who is sad and grieving and also not so well any more. We've gone from almost daily talking to barely a note a day while the situation with his dad is getting worse. His father is in last stage alzheimers and has other issues as well. SO is extremely tired but responsible. He will not skip a day taking care of his dad even it makes him so exhausted and stressed. He recently had to take some days off to go out of town and he feels that everything falls apart when he is not there. I keep sending him little notes and trying to encourage him. I can't ask for anything for myself because he sees it that I don't understand what it is like to be a caregiver. I don't completely understand of course I have not been there. I just mean, should I back up completely for a while or keep asking how everyone is doing? He'll tell me dad has stopped eating and mom is sad and crying but some days he'll peek at my notes and doesn't write back. I would think he still wants me to write when he can't but we don't get any chance to talk these days so I don't know how difficult it really is for him. I don't want to add to his stress.

[differentcountries]

As I understand it, your SOs father is in a home and is taken physically care of, but you mean the emotional care, right? And planing how his mother might come into care?

My grandmother ended up in a home after a routine operation gone wrong, she had the symptoms of severe demetia. My granddad would visit her every day until her death, see to all her personal stuff like money and clothes and was known for being responsible. But the nurses would sometimes tell him (and I know this because actually my husband worked as hospital staff there at one point): Don't be here every single day. She knows you are there for her. Go out to live a little.

It seems that your SO is doing too much. There is such a thing as too responsible. His dad is going to be confused and scared no matter what he does, his mum is still going to be grieving (or depressive?) and frail. Your SO is not on sick leave, so everything he does is on his free time. He has to set some better boundries for himself, or this whole situation is going to eat him alive.

[CanadianGirl]

Does your SO get any kind of support himself? A counsellor or even talking to other people taking on caregiver roles could be helpful for him. Does he have access to any social programs for elder care? My mother was able to get a certified professional come to our home for a couple hours a week to help with bathing/feeding/etc my grandmother.

Our family was dealing with this when my grandma had to be transitioned into a nursing home. She lived with my mother, but the two weeks I was home from school and took over my mom's duties...I've never ever been that tired and drained in my life. After the transition, my mother still visits the nursing home daily for two hours before work. I know it's partly because of the immense guilt she must be feeling and it's hard to help her out of that.

Relationship-wise, I see how challenging it can be to maintain a relationship in a situation like this. I feel like it's only healthy for both of you to find some time to sit down and re-evaluate your communication needs (when can he afford time, would a daily phone call be easier than texting etc). A nice chat with a loved one is a good de-stesser and he should be making time to care for himself as well.

[farandaway]

His Dad is in a home but he has to take mom there every day and take care of doctors appointments and medications and mom is under so much emotional stress that she is going downhill very quickly. He lives with mom and takes care of her all day. He has no one to help and he can't trust anyone doing the things he's doing. He is fixing the house and arranging every single thing. His other family is not very interested in helping. It feels absolutely terrible to ask for any time from him when he is so involved and hides all of his emotions so well. I know he misses me a lot but he thinks I don't understand his role completely. I have accepted that right now I come second but I feel like an extra burden at times. I'm moving right now and it's so stressful for me, too. Talking to him gives me hope and makes me happy, just like Canadiangirl said but my SO doesn't reach out to me. His way of getting through is focusing on parents' needs and not showing his love and longing in so many ways. It's just the way he is. I remember long long time ago he said he is rock solid and I know that still stands. I just hope he can keep it together. He is very strong but I feel so helpless. His mom is a lot younger than dad but the stress is aging her too. It could be that my SO will not be able to move here like we planned but he needs to stay close to mom. We are yet to discuss our alternatives. Everything depends on how mom can cope after her husband passes away which might not be very long from now.

We were so happy and hopeful last fall and Christmas with so many trips and future plans but unfortunately life does not always go as planned.

[differentcountries]

A lot of the things mentioned here he doesn't have to do, he chooses them. He puts it upon himself to be this dutyful. You think his mum is bad now? She is going to be much worse when she is grieving her late husband. Why can't he trust others? Like Canadiangirl says, there could be people to come help his mum. At least in my country I know the home services can help with medication, food, cleaning the house and so on. That doesn't mean it will not still be stressful, but perhaps he will not break his neck on it. Perhaps he could even find time to start his divorce.

[farandaway]

This thread is from June and here is an update. His father passed away about two months ago. As feared his mom took it all very very heavily and now needs someone to help her almost 24/7. She has Alzheimer's and has lost some of her short term memory. Needless to say this changes everything for us. He saw how his dad suffered in a care home and he doesn't want to do that to mom. He takes great pride in taking care of his parents. Mom would be worse if he had not been there and he plans to stay with her until the end. I need to respect that. it's his only mom and she's 82 years old.

I have since accepted that when he cannot come here I'd consider going there at some point. But of course immigration laws are against us. So all we can do is hope things work out somehow some day. He wants me to go visit his home city in New Mexico. I have never been there before. My chance will be in February when kids have time off school. They will either go see their dad or stay in Finland. He says I should see the place anyway first before I consider moving there.

But how will an Alzheimer patient take a stranger living at her house? That's probably the least of my worries though... I really feel so hopeless at times. Like everything is going downhill from bad to worse. But I'm trying to stay positive. I don't expect a miracle but I needed to write this down. I've even started counseling just to clear out my thoughts.

[Unicorn26]

Aww sweetie... That's awful. I really feel for you.

It's horrible not knowing what the future brings. All you can do is take one day at a time, but I know it's so difficult sometimes. We all feel hopeless from time to time, I've been feeling that way myself a lot recently. It's good that you're having counselling as keeping it all inside is no good.

Stay strong, you will get through this xxx

[differentcountries]

This thread is from June and here is an update. His father passed away about two months ago. As feared his mom took it all very very heavily and now needs someone to help her almost 24/7. She has Alzheimer's and has lost some of her short term memory. Needless to say this changes everything for us. He saw how his dad suffered in a care home and he doesn't want to do that to mom. He takes great pride in taking care of his parents. Mom would be worse if he had not been there and he plans to stay with her until the end. I need to respect that. it's his only mom and she's 82 years old.

I have since accepted that when he cannot come here I'd consider going there at some point. But of course immigration laws are against us. So all we can do is hope things work out somehow some day. He wants me to go visit his home city in New Mexico. I have never been there before. My chance will be in February when kids have time off school. They will either go see their dad or stay in Finland. He says I should see the place anyway first before I consider moving there.

But how will an Alzheimer patient take a stranger living at her house? That's probably the least of my worries though... I really feel so hopeless at times. Like everything is going downhill from bad to worse. But I'm trying to stay positive. I don't expect a miracle but I needed to write this down. I've even started counseling just to clear out my thoughts.

My condolances to your SO and the the famıly for thıs loss. I cant ımagıne how hard that must be to go through such a loss and seeıng hıs mother sıck as well.

As for hıs mum havıng Altzheımers and hım wantıng to take care of her full tıme that wıll take a lot of effort. I am not sure how he can afford not workıng. Emotıonally I wıll have to say no . I dont respect that. I have worked wıth people wıth dementıa and sımılar symptoms and they are very hard to care for. As I saıd my grandfather eventually had to put my grandmother ın a home. He stıll vısıted her almost every day but the full tıme care year after year was just too much. I have seen people exhaust themselves over doıng ıt full tıme and I hope that that ıf he chooses thıs at least he sometımes gets help ın the house.

I agree sınce hıs mother ıs sıck your best optıon ıs for you to come there. For that to happen he needs to set asıde tıme to fınalıze hıs dıvorce.

Sometımes the future seems bleek and the optıons seems to run few. Just know that as long as we make good choıces good thıngs wıll come from them. Councellıng and a vısıt ın the close future sounds good. At least you have somethıng to hold on to and then we wıll see what the future mıght brıng.

[farandaway]

Well he lives with his mom. For a simple life you don't need much money. He is so stubborn and still so patient with mom but I feel his frustration. He doesnt sleep well and he often doesn't feel well. He takes his frustration on - who else than - me. I'm learning the routine already. If I do not hear from him, it will not be good to I contact him. Today it was his brother who had made plans for them and mom was confused and he gets to deal with it. His younger brother is an alcoholic who messes up everybody's life and SO gets to deal with that, too. I feel that he has been given almost too much to handle but he is sticking to what he feels is his responsibility and I don't think anything will turn his head. So I won't even try.

I'm ready to go visit him but if this continues for years and we stay long distance how can we maintain our relationship. For sure we are over the honey moon phase but does it have to be this hard. I feel very selfish to think about the option of letting him go and leaving him in this hard place. I don't know. I already feel guilty having these thoughts. I wish there was some way for this to work out.

[differentcountries]

Well he lives with his mom. For a simple life you don't need much money. He is so stubborn and still so patient with mom but I feel his frustration. He doesnt sleep well and he often doesn't feel well. He takes his frustration on - who else than - me. I'm learning the routine already. If I do not hear from him, it will not be good to I contact him. Today it was his brother who had made plans for them and mom was confused and he gets to deal with it. His younger brother is an alcoholic who messes up everybody's life and SO gets to deal with that, too. I feel that he has been given almost too much to handle but he is sticking to what he feels is his responsibility and I don't think anything will turn his head. So I won't even try.

I'm ready to go visit him but if this continues for years and we stay long distance how can we maintain our relationship. For sure we are over the honey moon phase but does it have to be this hard. I feel very selfish to think about the option of letting him go and leaving him in this hard place. I don't know. I already feel guilty having these thoughts. I wish there was some way for this to work out.

Lıke I said. If he chooses thıs path he needs to get some help. Let me tell you that not just old old folks break theır neck over ıt. I had a frıend only ten years my senıour. Hıs granddad wanted hıs mum and hım to take care of hım. They dıd not want anybody to help them even ıf they qualıfıed for publıc servıce 'because the granddad dıd not lıke ıt'. When they fınally brought the guy to publıc servıce they were dead tıred and I somehobo got ınvolved so ıt broke our frıendshıp. your so needs to take care of hımself and you need to protect yourself.

[CarolGuerra]

I am single and need to get marries any suggestion

[Moon]

Yeah, find a dating site, not a site full of people already in a relationship.