Is he overreacting?

[candice]

Hey everybody.

It is about to be a year since i am with my beloved one. We have been together for 5 days on 1st week of june and for about last 5 days he does not talk to me. Today i asked him what is the problem and he told me that he was upset that i checked his laptop when i was alone. Actually im not a person who just investigates other people's belongings and even if i have his phone i never checked his messages, photos or anything unless he is with me and allows me to. I was just checking his movies to watch, just photos from travels, his projects from school etc. And i realized even if i don't have a bad cause, i am searching for his private and i just closed it like "what am i doing?". Now he said he was very disappointed and he did not say anything no matter how many times i told him that i am sorry, i am regretful and i need his forgiveness.

And i don't know i also feel he is overreacting by not talking to me at all and i apologized. Now i just wanted to give him some space. We have a scheduled meeting after 3 weeks. I am feeling really wrong and sad. What should i do? What would you do?

Thank u ^^

[SailorRei]

Oh wow, in my opinion he's really overreacting. I get that checking his laptop for more than movies (why would you check his school folder) is not cool, but that shouldn't make him go completely silent on you.
You shouldn't go through his stuff, but if he has nothing to hide then he should be able to forgive you very quickly. I know that people have different attitudes about privacy (I don't really care if somebody goes through my laptop, there's nothing interesting here), but he should be able to get over it.
Just stop talking about it, stop apologizing and try talk to him normally?

Again, I don't know because I wouldn't be that mad if my bf went through my laptop, so it's really hard for me to put myself in your bf situation.
Hope he'll forgive you soon enough

[sweetshay]

I agree with aleksaaw, try not to bring it up and hopefully it'll blow over. He might be upset because he feels like you didn't trust him to not go through it, but in my opinion not talking for 3 weeks is a bit over the top. I'm pretty protective over my electronics, even when asked to use them, because I don't want anything to get messed up but I don't see any reason to punish you over that.. Maybe try asking him if it's okay to use it next time. When you do talk maybe get him to explain why it bothered him so much so that you establish an understanding between the two of you. But in the meantime, try not to beat yourself up over it too much. Personally, I don't think what you did was wrong unless you specifically went snooping for personal things..

[differentcountries]

I am a curious person myself, and I can get wanting to look into his computer as a way of getting to know him. But you probably should have asked if he was ok with it. Even when people are fine with it they often like to be asked.

I don't know why he had such a strong reaction. Perhaps he doesn't understand or appreciate your curiosity. The issue is not just if you were wrong or if he was overreacting, but that you should be able to talk things over. What are your boundries? How do you prefer the other person to say they they are sorry? How do you make up after an indident or a fight? Those are important things. Even in the nicest of relationships people sometimes don't get along, but if you can learn to talk about it it helps so much.

[Ella85]

He is over reacting and if my bf reacted like that after I'd said something about it I'd think he had something to hide.

[hmrambling]

Actually im not a person who just investigates other people's belongings and even if i have his phone i never checked his messages, photos or anything unless he is with me and allows me to. I was just checking his movies to watch, just photos from travels, his projects from school etc. And i realized even if i don't have a bad cause, i am searching for his private and i just closed it like "what am i doing?".

Am I understanding this correctly? If he allows you to, you check his messages and photos on his phone. Correct?

Am I also correct, that you looked for movies on his computer, his photos, and projects from school. Correct?

I'm pretty trusting and understanding. In fact, I've lent my SO a laptop. However, when I hand over my laptop or phone to someone else, my intent is for them to *use* it... not to go through my things. Sure, I might have old school projects or photos. If someone wants to see those things, I would appreciate it if they ask.

Would I give my partner the silent treatment if she looked at things in my phone or in my computer? No. I would discuss how I feel about it, and would explain that I intended for her to use the computer or phone, but not to look through my things. I would ask her to respect my privacy in the future. There would be no point in continuing to give her the silent treatment especially when both of us are grown and we are able to work on conflict resolution. She would know that I am asking her to respect my privacy, and that I have no problem with her using my phone or computer as long as she respects my privacy.

[whatruckus]

First, you shouldn't feel the need to "investigate" on your SO, or even have the need or urge to want to check on them. You shouldn't even have to check his phone, if he "allows" you to. Nope. My SO and I don't do this. And, we both know each other's passwords. I've never snooped through his computer, never looked through his phone, never looked through anything of his. Unless you count when I snooped his newly made Etsy account to see what he got me for my birthday. Other than that, I trust him. I have no need to go through any of his stuff, even if he was there and he "allowed" me to.

Also, this is not an excuse for your SO to give you the silent treatment for 3 weeks. At most, a day...to think and cool off.

Edit:
I don't know where I read 3 weeks. But, I reread it and saw that you said 5 days. I would still give him time. If my SO did that, I would be extremely angry.

[snow_girl]

I don't think he is overreacting. I would be pretty upset if my SO went through anything on my computer.

[differentcountries]

People are very different with these things. Me, if I did not want people to read it, I would not put it on my computer! I always assume people are as curious as I am times ten. What I want to keep to myself I make unexessable. I don't have any porn stored anywhere. I keep my diaries locked away and certainly not on a computer. My halfwritten novels are in the living room as well. There is nothing secret about my music My pictures are for everyone to see - and I would be thrilled if someone actually thought my school projects were interesting enough to read! Still, it is nice that people ask first. If I borrow someone's computer, I don't go through it unless they offer me to see something in there. I would be very cacious to overstep boundries.

And I don't go through SOs stuff, exept that one time where I read his best friend's messages (nothing to do with jealousy but I just had to know what she said to SO about me/us), which was not a nice thing to do but I was desperate and for some reason it seemed like it would be helpful (but reading it of course only made me feel worse since she indeed did not like me very much at the time. She likes me better now).

[snow]

I don't think he is overreacting. I would be pretty upset if my SO went through anything on my computer.

I agree with this. To some people, privacy is very important and if you violate this trust, it's upsetting. 5 days is a long time to give you the silent treatment, but he probably needs to gather his thoughts and possibly figure out if he can trust you after this. I would not assume he has anything to hide just because he's upset.
I have my husband's password to his mail account, but I only go in it when he either asks me to or I need to for information (we had visa infos sent to his account).

[candice]

Thanks for everybody for replies ^^ but i felt like i need to make some points straight not to cause any misunderstanding so i can get your help more efficiently ^^

First. Yes i checked his files and stuff and did not did it intentionally to "find" stuff, and im saying this with all my sincerity. And i have full trust in him that he does not have anything to hide. Even my mom just checks my drawers etc even if i have just have books and glasses and any crap belongings there i feel uncomfortable every single time. And when i realised i did sth wrong i just closed the files and just go on the internet.

Secondy. Checking his phone issue. I did not ask him like can i check your phone. I never checked his messages, even when he is texting with someone i am not looking at his phone. About photos when he shows me a photo i am just asking can i look at your gallery? And he says of course go on and usually it contains our pics, his family, or just regular stuff. And just looking at them chit chatting about them etc.

Lastly. I can understand people say that what i did was wrong. I also say that what i did was wrong, i am not saying what i did was right. Because of that i apologized over and over again. I also had a situation like that before. Since my belongings also scooped before i can feel like him also, like "my privacy is violated", but after my friend apologized me for scooping my phone, i felt ok and said "ok people make mistakes just do not do such thing please" because i saw she was feeling bad about her behaviour. Being regretful already makes me uncomfortable. That he is not talking to me either makes me even more depressed. I even got sick in these couple days I just actually want him to understand that people make mistake it is normal but i won't do such thing again. Anything that will make him sad.

I am actually asking how can i make it up to him. I trully love him and im afraid that i will lose him. Or how can i just talk to him. Because i feel really sad and nervous, cannot even sleep. What would you do if you were in my place?

Thank you so much^^

[R&R]

Honestly, you've apologized. You did something wrong and you've done the only thing you can. You know you won't do it again in the future. There is really no "making it up to him". People make mistakes - it's a part of being human. Some mistakes can be forgiven and some can't. Now it's up to him to either accept the apology and move forward or act like a child and continue with the silent treatment for as long as you will take it. If this is how he acts about an honest (and somewhat small mistake), how is he ever going to be someone you could work through bigger issues as life goes on?

And as my SO would tell me, "You need to suck it up, Buttercup". You've done all you can. Stop letting this control all of you emotions. You have a life beyond him and this one issue. Brush yourself off, take a deep breath and start functioning in YOUR life.

As to what to say to him. "I've apologized. There is nothing more I can do. You can either accept it or you can't. If you can, than we need to let it go and move forward. If you can't, than we need to decide if we are going to continue with this relationship."

[dizzyupthemeg]

R&R nailed it. What you did was wrong, but he isn't acting any better. If my SO didn't talk to me for 5 days over something like this, I would have some major concerns about our future and his ability to handle future problems. You have done all you can, and it's up to him now. Focus on you for a while. Forgive yourself and stop thinking that you owe him more.

[hmrambling]

I am actually asking how can i make it up to him. I trully love him and im afraid that i will lose him. Or how can i just talk to him. Because i feel really sad and nervous, cannot even sleep. What would you do if you were in my place?

I wouldn't grovel. :shakeshead: Excerpts from some of my recovery literature .... To be humble is not to grovel before men. We mustn't grovel before the person we have harmed. We bow before no one.

When I make an amend, I do the following:

1. Admit I was wrong.
2. Apologize for the wrong that I did. (I do not say I'm sorry. I genuinely apologize for the wrong that I did. I name the wrong that I did... and then... see #3)
3. Explain that the person didn't do anything to to deserve the way I treated them/the wrong that I did.
4. Vow to correct my behavior. Explain how I will correct my behavior.
5. Ask the person if there is anything that I left out, and if they have any suggestions on how it has been handled.
6. Listen. Humbly listen. Sometimes listening means sitting back and hearing how the person really feels about how I wronged them.
7. Repeat back to them those things that they explained, and let them know that I understand what they said. If they had suggestions about how to correct my behavior that I am willing to implement, then I let them know that I will take those actions.
8. Explain that by going through this process of making amends that I plan to learn from it, and that I will not keep revisiting it. I won't use it to beat myself up, nor do I expect the other person to beat me up with it. I will learn from it, and I am moving on.
9. VERY IMPORTANT: Correct my behavior, and don't repeat the same behavior over and over in hopes of getting a different result. (To repeat the same behavior over and over, and expect a different result IS the definition of insanity.)

That's the process I use. I do not grovel. I do not continue to apologize over and over. Making amends is more for me than it is for the other person. I walk away with a clear conscience and I have a plan of action about how I will correct my behavior. I also communicate to the other person that I don't plan on them constantly smacking me over the head with the wrong that I did. If they are unable to move past it, we might be at an impasse. If my SO was still determined to continue the silent treatment after a proper amends, then we have no conflict resolution... I couldn't continue a relationship with zero conflict resolution.

[candice]

Hey people!

thank you so much everybody for sharing their ideas. Well now everything is ok between us. He said he was also very nervous about what i did, but i told him that please dont do something like "not talking for two weeks" i apologized and tried to be more careful about his belongings this time. Right now we re very fine and we spent amazing 10 days together ^^ hope i ll see my beloved soon