how long is too long to meet LDR for the first time

[spanglishjoe]

Hello,

For an LDR that starts online, how long is too long to ask one another to wait to meet, in your opinions?

I've been talking to a girl in Honduras and it's going great. We started talking about a month and a half back and our connection was near-instantaneous. We talk every day, in some form, skyping at night when possible. I thought about visiting her in the first week of September, but temporarily put that idea on hold when my family raised some safety concerns about her city (it has a really bad reputation, although she tells me she's in a nicer area) and they were also concerned that it's too soon. I'm 28 and could certainly just buy a ticket and go anyways, yet I know that I'd want my family support long term if it were to work and she one day comes to live with me (she tells me she would move if we work out. I just see myself with too much student debt/a post-grad school job and her city- which happens to be in my birth country - with too much crime for it to be realistic for me or desirable beyond family visits). I later found out that it would've been hard for her get time off from work that week anyways.

So we turned our eyes to December (this year) when she has 3 weeks off from work.
A. She could bring a work letter to help her apply for a visitor's visa (she was rejected last year, but changed jobs since then and thinks she has a better shot). She tells me it's really hard to get the visitor visa, and not having much experience in that realm, I'm taking her word for it. She does say she'd try.
B. We'd lay out some safety precautions and re-pitch the idea of my travel to my family.

Then this week, I was accepted into a two week January 2016 applied business program in Costa Rica through my grad school, which I've been wanting to do since I started grad school two years ago (I'm a part time student, full time employee). It's great news for me, but I don't know that work is going to want to give me more than two weeks off around end of the year (I can certainly ask for a third week, but best case scenario I have two weeks vacation saved. I should also mention that I was recently promoted this month, so it's a new role). On the other hand, it'll have been 7 months by that point and it feels like I'm asking a lot of both myself and my girlfriend if I try to kick the meeting can further down the road, considering that we haven't met yet.

I know you don't know me, but I'm curious to hear your thoughts on when I should try to meet her, and how I factor in this Costa Rica experience (I have to accept in a few weeks if I decide to do it). Truthfully, I want both the girl and the class experience, but I'm a bit worried that I might have to choose one, and the thought of a wrong choice either way is a bit stressful. The distance sure makes me think about things that I've never had to consider in past relationships.

Appreciate the time,

[differentcountries]

I honestly don't know how you are going to survive if you use your only holiday through the year to study full time. I am used to taking summer classes myself, but not all through my vacation... Your sceme seems hard regardless of the girl. So I would go for the girl.

[Sarah96]

A while back some great people on here told me to worry about my education first because my boyfriend would wait for me, and it's the truth. If she means that much to you and she cares about you, then you'll both wait if education is more important. I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now and we still haven't met, despite living in the same country. With school and work and a million other things, it's just difficult to find time to be together, so we're waiting until I'm done with my education, it's just how things have to be for right now.

It's something you two should really think about, but make sure you're making the best decision for you. Not to be negative, but who knows what the future holds, if the education will benefit you better than visiting her right now, then do what will help your future even if things with her were to go downhill. But saying that, I wish you two the best and hope you get everything figured out!

[differentcountries]

yes Sara, but you are 19. He is 28. He already has an education and a job. He is asking if he should postphone som extra classes he considers taking. That is a little bit different than asking as a young adult living at home with mum wanting to get a leg to stand on.

And there is no way she will get visitor visa to her boyfriend unless he comes to see her first, she already had a rejection once and unless her new job is something really special that is not goint to help.

[Ella85]

I was with my boyfriend for 4 months before I went to visit him at the beginning of the year. I personally think it's whatever you and your SO are comfortable with. Your family will come around eventually. Mine were really worried because my ex was also a LDR and we ended up breaking up after 8 years and were married and had a kid. But my SO is completely different from my ex and my family did come around eventually.

[Zephii]

We waited more than four years to meet in person. It didn't kill us.

I'd say if you've been working toward this experience for a couple of years and really want it, you should do it. Yes, your SO might be a bit upset, but she also (in theory) wants the best for you, and understands you have dreams and goals that pre-date this very new romance. And your education stays with you forever - people you date are a maybe

December is also a very expensive time to travel, so I always encourage people to avoid visiting then if at all possible.

Talk to her. I know a few extra months might feel like forever, but it's really not that big of a deal. If this Costa Rica trip is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and it sounds like it is, then you should be focusing on that. Just make sure that next time, no matter what, you choose visiting her and you follow through.

[spanglishjoe]

Thanks everybody, that's a good variety of ideas to weigh out..I didn't expect so many responses, that's awesome. I'll let you know what happens, I have a couple more weeks to think it over.

-different countries: yes, it is a grind using my vacation for grad school/career, but I've made it work for two years, only one left! thanks for the "let love win" encouragement.

-Sara: I found your response helpful. It's totally relevant to my situation, only main difference (age aside) compared to undergrad is that I have a job now, but the educational considerations are still similar.

-Ella: thanks for the family story. maybe it'll save me from opening another thread

-Zephii: 4 years, wow! that's commitment, lots of respect and I'm glad it worked. She says she supports me either way (but of course she'd prefer that I visit). We'll see.