Feeling pretty much left out.

[AllieMarc]

Girlfriend just started college and suddenly feel like she doesn't have a lot of time for me. We're in a very long distance LDR, I'm about 6 years older than her, she's 21. Been dating for about 4 years now. I don't want to give too much exact information since she browses this forum and my main account doesn't have the requirements to post anonymously and I can't think of anywhere else to ask for advice about it.

Thing is, the college has a LOT of activities for the first months, including pub nights and socialising in a lot of ways, today they had a custome party and such. She's a bit introverted so she says she's trying to do all of it so she will make some friends, since she didn't have that many in HS and that things will improve once the first months are over and then when we're living together whenever that is.

But since she started, over two weeks ago, we've barely spoken, when we usually talk a lot and so on. Before that she was off with her family on a 3 week trip and didn't have much chances of speaking to her either, and before that we had been together on a visit. So basically I went from being with her to being completely alone and unsupported while I felt lonely while she was on her family trip and as soon as that was over, college started and once more feeling lonely. I got a message from her in the morning telling me to have a nice day and such and then later when she went to bed, just straight up told me goodnight without even checking if I was there or not, since we usually talk before bed. She says she's way too busy and that when she gets home she's way too tired and so on, but I've been through college and I feel it's bs that she wouldn't even have 10 minutes during the day to check in or something. And it's not non-stop working, which I would understand a lot more, it's non stop socialising and parties and such.

I love her with all my heart but as a result of this situation I'm thinking wether I should just break up with her or what. On the one hand I feel like I'm holding her back and that she actually wants to experience college fully and so on and I'm here at 14000 km away just working and stuff and trying not to be jealous about it and so on. We were both never the partying kind or very much socialising type and I thought I'd found the right person when it comes to that, too, but now I'm also thinking that maybe I was holding her back regarding that. I don't want to be extremely social and it's obvious that it's something she wants. so yeah. She's already signed up for raves and other stuff that I would never consider going to and something I thought she'd never do either, and I only know this because she signed up for the events on FB, haven't even talked about it because, again, no time.

I don't know, am I being too needy or something? I'm nervous about her starting college and it being an LDR and not being there for when that happens and then this kind of thing comes up. So I'm at work and shit and she's basically socialising with people all day and somehow she's the one that's too busy, I don't know. Now I haven't spoken to her in 2 days because I said I needed some time to think of stuff and that she probably needed space anyway and she hasn't tried talking to me since either, while she went to a party last night and got together with people today too.

[lucybelle]

My freshmen year in college I had this exact same problem with my then boyfriend. It was my first year and I wanted to hang out with friends and have fun, my boyfriend was at home working. I think he was really jealous so I did my best to visit him every weekend, which in turn made me miss a bunch of school activities. I was also on my university swim team which meant practice three times a day, six days a week and I was exhausted, my then-boyfriend could never understand why. Neither of us were happy.

You two need to find a happy medium. I think the best way to start is by making up a schedule. Thursday night (or whenever) is date night. You talk, hang out, cook "together" whatever. She shouldn't plan anything for that night and neither should you. Have a discussion about how much communication you expect from each other. Go from there.

[AllieMarc]

You said you had this problem with your then boyfriend, what ended up happening then? I could use some insight as to what may go wrong and how to handle stuff.

I don't know if I could be happy wiht just one date night or whatever, personally. I never liked the idea of an LDR but what kept me going all this time was that we were able to be communicate and neither of us having a lot of social obligations going on so we could usually communicate plenty. Now it feels like I had just been a crutch for her antisocialness all this time and that now that she's able to get that where she lives, I'm no longer indispensable, so to speak. I realise this could be stemming from my own insecurities on how I'm looking at it, but honestly, that's just how I feel like right now. And I don't know if I should be or if I'm making a huge deal out of nothing.

But I go to sleep and I have dreams about being left behind or cheated on, I am at work and I'm wondering how the party/social thing she's at is going, I'm at gym and I just end up staring at the wall for 5 minutes thinking about it and so on. It's not healthy for me to be doing this as things are right now, while I had rarely felt jealous in the past, because, again, we would talk more time and there was less social stuff going on. So I'm basically trying not to say anything not to be perceived as controlling and on the other hand have to, in order to mantain communication. And the whole process has me in a terrible mood.

[differentcountries]

She probably cares a lot, but she is busy. She said goodbye to her friends and family, now getting to know people in school takes all she has got. Make sure to visit, take her out to dinner or something else nice. Don't worry so much she can't be there for you, you guys have a solid history and right now she is doing something important. Back her up and be proud she is making the effort. Sometimes life gets in the way but we still learn how to deal. If you can make it though periods like these without turning away from each other, it means that in the future you will have a much better chance at reaching your goals together.

[AllieMarc]

I can understand being busy and all that. She's had jobs before and we've hadd times when we've spoken as little as this before and all, but that didn't bother me as much. Now, however, what she's busy with is just going out and socialising and I find it really hard to believe there wouldn't even be 5 or 10 minutes just to say hi or check in. When I'm with friends or I'm doing something I can easily find a few minutes of free time to do so, so I don't know how good of a reason that is. I wont be able to visit her in around 5 months, I live in Argentina and she in Sweden, so that's a bit hard to do as well, meaning I'll have to live with this situation for that much time, when 5 weeks alone have got me thinking of break up already, so it wouldn't do.

We've had a talk about this 2 weeks ago and she said she'd be more communicative and so on, and by the next day it was the exact same situation, so I'm running out of ideas.

[lucybelle]

You said you had this problem with your then boyfriend, what ended up happening then? I could use some insight as to what may go wrong and how to handle stuff.

That boyfriend broke up with me. He said he didn't think it was working out. It was a long time ago so it's hard for me to remember exactly what his reasons were. But what I thought the shitty thing was is that I didn't even know he thought something was wrong. I thought we were doing fine and then he just decided to break up with me.

You need to lay it out for her the issues you're having and see if you can work them out together. You seem sort of half way out of this relationship already. Tell her very clearly how you feel, but come with solutions, not just problems. Tell her how the both of you can make this better. If she can't agree or comply with what you come up with, well then that's that I suppose.

[AllieMarc]

Yeah, I think that's pretty much it, have to talk about it and talk about it in detail and what it really means. I don't think she realises how much of a serious issue it's being for me and you know, being each other's first loves and all, and having passed 4 years together it's kind of hard to imagine one would break up or something, and it's still far from it on my mind as well, but it's the first time in the relationship where the thought is even crossing my mind and I find it a bit scary that it is.

Right now I'm being a bit stubborn about even talking and taking some space, and she's being stubborn about it as well... I always end up apologising when we get like this, but this time I didn't and she hasn't said anything at all. I'm a bit tired of being the one that ends up apologising, the one making time so we can talk, the one that doesn't travel unless it's to see each other while she still travels herself and so on... and I'm going to have to be the one to move to where she is instead of the other way around if we got any chance at all and so on. I'm a bit all over the place right now, admittedly, and complaining about things that seemingly have nothing to do, but yeah, taking things off my chest I have told no one in 4 years feels kind of good.

[differentcountries]

You said she is introverted and will try to MAKE friends through the socializing, in big groups I suspect.. That is very hard to do for an introvert. But still you act like she is just out having fun. It is really probably more exhausting for her than work would be.

[Dziubka]

*edited*

Other than that, I agree with lucybelle.
It's important that you give her the space that she needs. Starting college (moving to a new city?), finding out how stuff works, meeting new people, etc is very exciting and stressful. Making friends at uni makes your life so much easier, so she can't be spending all her free time glued to her computer or phone screen. Give her a few weeks to settle into her new life and then try to find a schedule that works for both of you.

[Sakuu4]

I totally get you. I'm in the same situation with my boyfriend (not because of college, but still just being out, "too busy to talk"). The thing that he doesn't understand, in my opinion, is that I wouldn't mind too much if he at least did some efforts, even just in the way of telling me stuff. not "I'm busy, sorry I can't" but putting some more feelings into it and really meaning that he is sorry. Also, like you said, I can't believe he doesn't have 5 mins a day to write to me, moreover when you are with you're friends and not working/in classes. He just came back from a camp with his friends ( all they do is drinking basically, I was part of it too so I know) and everyday was just one text "sorry can't call you today".
we talked too, he said he would have tried harder, nothing changes. So tonight I am gonna talk to him in a direct way. I am not happy, I am tired of trying so hard when I don't get what I want back. He is beeing to confident because he knows I am always there anyway, I love him and want to spend my life with him, but he has to understand that it will not be the case if he doesn't make me happy.

I thought a lot and held back a lot of things I wanted to say to him just for "our sake", not to make him feel criticized and so on,but I got to the point where I think that being in a relationship with the one you want to spend your life with, shouldn't make you feel this way.

I am sorry if my answer is not what you need now, or too personal, but I think you should make her understand that doesn't metter the circumstances, your parter should always be the priority ( at least, if you claim you love him/her)

edit after reading other answers: I would agree to the "leave her some time" part, if this problem came alone, but when you feel sad in general (becuse of family trip/nothing special for anniversary etc) I think she should pay more attention, even if the cause of the problem wasn't her directly (which can apply to the family trip, but not to other stuff)

[differentcountries]

What kind of college starts in the middle/beginning of August?

In Norway, every single school, college and universitety starts in the beginning/middle of August. The whole country has been standing on end with everyone from six year olds starting school for the first time to 19 year old new students starting their first akademic year. The new students are very encauraged to socialize, so they party like it was their job, and can be seen in the streets in August night and day donning costumes like it was a two week around the clock Halloween. I take it things are similar with our neighbour Sweeden.

[lyonsgirl]

What kind of college starts in the middle/beginning of August?
Also your age says 38, yet she's 21 and you're about 6 years older than her?

I think the OP made a new account and faked everything, since in another post he says that he is in Argentina and she is in Sweden... apparently she browses LFAD and, according to him, his "main" account can't post anonymously... so it looks like he created this fake account so she won't know right off the bat it's him.

To the OP: Sorry to say, but when I went to college, I broke up with my then-boyfriend. We got back together, and then I ended it again. I changed, I grew up. We had been together for about 3 1/2 years before it was really and truly done.

ETA: I broke up with him partly because he got jealous and clingy and I told him about a couple of parties I wanted to go to and he got mad at me for wanting to go. The other part was he had already graduated college, wasn't actively looking for a job, and was still living at home with his parents. Nor was he willing to "stoop" to food service or retail to pay his bills.

[AllieMarc]

Just wanted to say we talked about it well and we made up and everything's as great as always again. Realised I was really making a big deal out of nothing and yeah. Thanks everyone!