My Paranoia about my BF (25/M) and his EX-GF (23/F)
Background: I was his best friend prior to this and in a relationship, I knew every single detail of their relationship and his issues. He confided everything to me and it blew my mind why he chose to stay by her. They had been together for two years (on/off), she is extremely manipulative (threaten suicide, cheats/flirts with other guys, would hope that he would die, the whole crazy package). The biggest reason why he stayed is because he is an absolute sweetheart. He wanted to help "fix her" and her issues. Also, if you're curious why there is a question mark in the title - it is because they had never met in real life or confirmed her identity. They had never spoke on the phone/heard each others voices, or went on web cam - only exchanged photos.
Now: We entered the relationship (LDR) in the worst way possible, him still having feelings (albeit little) for his abusive ex. He promised me that he would get over her and two months later, assured me that he no longer has feelings for her. He continued to keep in minimal contact with her.
I told him early on I had issues with his ex and his feelings towards her, eventually when it came to pass that he was no longer interested and constantly reassure me. We had fights about her 3-4 times in a span of 6 months and he did not offer once to cut her out of his life (he has tried several hundred times in the past, but just ended up getting back together with her).
The most recent fight spanning over a week resulted in me bringing up the suggestion of blocking her out completely. I was not terribly comfortable with bringing it up because he assured me he only saw her as a friend (they have gotten to be better friends since they were no longer together) and no longer had feelings for her. I brought up the idea of cutting her out (just deleting her on two social platforms) and he offered to compromise in staying friends by e-mailing her once a month or block her for a little time and then resume it - which I still remained uncomfortable about.
Eventually, he gave in and decided to block her even though I was unsure (because it felt like I was too demanding in blocking out a "harmless friend"). He said it would make him sad, but valued our relationship more.
Now my issue is intrusive thoughts and paranoia, perhaps even some distrust thrown in there. I understand fully my boyfriend chose to block her but I can't shake off this feeling of paranoia. The social platforms he goes on is something he would go on daily and quite possibly chat to her despite the "minimal contact" and recently he has been going on it less and less (I'm on the platform too) - I suppose it felt like he would purposely go on the platform for her and just do things for her. I understand he still cares for his ex despite the abuse (such as fantasizing about helping her - ie. giving her a job at home) and assures me he no longer has feelings for her.
However, since the "no-contact" with his ex (3-4 days)- he has been less responsive and it feels as if the dynamic in our relationship has changed (or perhaps I'm projecting my feelings onto him). I would just like some insight and new perspectives on this because I've grown tired of this terrible paranoia and anxiety. I guess I have paranoia about whether he misses her (which is logically completely okay to miss people but for some reason it bothers me emotionally).
TLDR; Boyfriend's abusive ex who he has never met, recently cut her out of his life after several arguments about her over a span of 6 months. Since no-contact, he has been less responsive and I feel like the dynamic in our relationship has changed for the worse (ie. less affection or perhaps I am projecting my anxiety and paranoia onto him and it may not be the case). I would like some perspective on this and what you would recommend I do about my paranoia/anxiety. Communicating with him is an option, but he has asked that I stop bringing her up (as I obsessively do often ask about her prior). I have also noticed we have been hanging out a lot less since..
Now: We entered the relationship (LDR) in the worst way possible, him still having feelings (albeit little) for his abusive ex. He promised me that he would get over her and two months later, assured me that he no longer has feelings for her. He continued to keep in minimal contact with her.
I told him early on I had issues with his ex and his feelings towards her, eventually when it came to pass that he was no longer interested and constantly reassure me. We had fights about her 3-4 times in a span of 6 months and he did not offer once to cut her out of his life (he has tried several hundred times in the past, but just ended up getting back together with her).
The most recent fight spanning over a week resulted in me bringing up the suggestion of blocking her out completely. I was not terribly comfortable with bringing it up because he assured me he only saw her as a friend (they have gotten to be better friends since they were no longer together) and no longer had feelings for her. I brought up the idea of cutting her out (just deleting her on two social platforms) and he offered to compromise in staying friends by e-mailing her once a month or block her for a little time and then resume it - which I still remained uncomfortable about.
Eventually, he gave in and decided to block her even though I was unsure (because it felt like I was too demanding in blocking out a "harmless friend"). He said it would make him sad, but valued our relationship more.
Now my issue is intrusive thoughts and paranoia, perhaps even some distrust thrown in there. I understand fully my boyfriend chose to block her but I can't shake off this feeling of paranoia. The social platforms he goes on is something he would go on daily and quite possibly chat to her despite the "minimal contact" and recently he has been going on it less and less (I'm on the platform too) - I suppose it felt like he would purposely go on the platform for her and just do things for her. I understand he still cares for his ex despite the abuse (such as fantasizing about helping her - ie. giving her a job at home) and assures me he no longer has feelings for her.
However, since the "no-contact" with his ex (3-4 days)- he has been less responsive and it feels as if the dynamic in our relationship has changed (or perhaps I'm projecting my feelings onto him). I would just like some insight and new perspectives on this because I've grown tired of this terrible paranoia and anxiety. I guess I have paranoia about whether he misses her (which is logically completely okay to miss people but for some reason it bothers me emotionally).
TLDR; Boyfriend's abusive ex who he has never met, recently cut her out of his life after several arguments about her over a span of 6 months. Since no-contact, he has been less responsive and I feel like the dynamic in our relationship has changed for the worse (ie. less affection or perhaps I am projecting my anxiety and paranoia onto him and it may not be the case). I would like some perspective on this and what you would recommend I do about my paranoia/anxiety. Communicating with him is an option, but he has asked that I stop bringing her up (as I obsessively do often ask about her prior). I have also noticed we have been hanging out a lot less since..