Time to stop waiting for him? Please, I really need help.

[eta-carinae]

Friends, I'd appreciate your advice about my situation.

I've invested all my life in this relationship, done all I could imagine and now it seems to be failing and I don't know what to do.

We are both young successful professionals, I am 26 and he is 28 years old. We've met in his country when I was getting a graduate degree, dated for about 10 months short-distance and over 3 years long-distance. I've been trying very hard to come back to work or study again, but couldn't. He can't move to my country. In April he suggested getting married, but when time came to fill in papers for my visa, he said he was not sure we were doing the right thing. We also tried to break up several times, but then got back together.

I love him wholeheartedly and believe he loves me too. At the same time, there are several things that really hurt me. First, he's never expressed interest in visiting my country. Secondly, he hasn't met my family or friends, never accepted an invitation to join my friends to go for a vacation abroad or visit friends that lived near where we travelled together. I can't explain this to myself, and it's actually pretty embarrassing to write.

In September we talked about trying to live together to see if it works before we decide what to do further. I said that before we do this I would like him to come and meet my family and friends. He said he might come this Christmas. It's mid-November, and he hasn't confirmed the trip nor started applying for visa. My closest friends are making travelling plans for holidays, so are my parents - it's very likely they won't be in town if/when he comes.

I feel cheated. I don't understand why he can't do the single most important thing for me. Why he is not sure about the future if he loves me. And if all this means he thinks I am not the right person, why he doesn’t say it.

We've talked about all this with him many times. Last couple of months we almost don't talk. I guess I gave up on doing anything and am just waiting for him to do something if he loves me, and am not sure how long I should wait. Maybe I shouldn't already. I always had a 100% trust in him, and now it's quickly shrinking. I feel embarrassed about ending up in a relationship like this. On one hand, I really love him and would do anything to save this relationship. On the other, what can he even do now to regain my trust?

Do you think there is anything else I can do? Should I stop waiting for him and move on with my life? When is that moment?
I do so strongly love him. I'm not a romantic person, but I do want to be together till the last breath, hold his hand and make his life happier. How, for God's sake, can I let this end?

[differentcountries]

So, you have dated 4 years, most of it long distance, he has never visited your country or family or friends and he still has not made any plans to do so. You have an on and off relationship, and after all this time he is unsure if he wants to marry you, live with you or do any sort of preperations to change the long distance for the future. You have already lived close by him and, I assume, visited him several times the last 3 years. He didn't have to make any changes and now for the first time you ask that of him in a strong way.

I think, if you want your relationship to stand any chance, you must make him change something. You say he is a successful proffessional, so I assume that he has money, is used to plan for work etc. - I also assume that you have money, can make good plans with him etc. There must be a different reason why he only "maybe" will visit you for Christmas and has not shown you any preperations towards that - you did not ask him to move to you, just visit over the holidays. I can't answer for him as to why he prioritizes this way, and you can't ask him to really do anything, but his actions speak louder than words and it sounds like there is too much ambivalence involved, and I would definetely not go live with him any time soon if I were you.

I get it, sometimes things are complicated. But even when they are, sometime the solutions are simple. Just don't invest any more until he does.

[eta-carinae]

Just don't invest any more until he does.

Differentcountries, thank you. Do you think there may be a certain moment when it'll become clear he'll never do?

I mean, what if he is already living his own life, dating or looking for someone else and just doesn't end this relationship hoping it's going to dissolve itself with time. Then, even if I don't do anything, I will keep waiting and hoping till I see a change of his facebook status or till someone tells me. I'm thinking about this a lot lately, and it hurts. And maybe it's the opposite, and he just needs time.

I don't know when I should move on with my life and start trying to forget him, and I am so afraid to make a mistake.

[MariaEx]

May I suggest something? Why don't you give him an ultimatum? I know it's not very nice,l way to get answers but you have tried everything. Set a time in your mind and tell him that you need answers by then but be prepared to leave him if you don't get what you want, a plan for your future. I am not talking about concrete plans and dates but at least a timeline that will set your mind at ease.
I know it is not easy and not very proper to give ultimatums but I think you will get an answer.
Hoping for the best

[Ella85]

If a guy I'd been with for 4 years wasn't sure about marriage then I wouldn't be sure about staying with him. That's a long time to be together and I think after 2 or 3 years it isn't unreasonable that if you see a future with a person you would expect some sort of marriage plans?? If he isn't sure now then I'd personally end the relationship. If he doesn't want to meet your family and isn't sure if he wants to marry you he is wasting your time.

[differentcountries]

Differentcountries, thank you. Do you think there may be a certain moment when it'll become clear he'll never do?

I mean, what if he is already living his own life, dating or looking for someone else and just doesn't end this relationship hoping it's going to dissolve itself with time. Then, even if I don't do anything, I will keep waiting and hoping till I see a change of his facebook status or till someone tells me. I'm thinking about this a lot lately, and it hurts. And maybe it's the opposite, and he just needs time.

I don't know when I should move on with my life and start trying to forget him, and I am so afraid to make a mistake.

I don't think it is helpful to think in terms like always or never. The thing is, his ambivalence is bothering you today. He is not doing something to soothe your fears, today. So what if he may find out in the future that he wants this? Do YOU want to be in a relationship where one person is constantly pulling more weight than the other?

[eta-carinae]

No, I want to be in a relationship, where he is like this:
[Sorry, the forum does not let me share a link to a beautiful 100-second animation film "The Father" directed by Mohammadreza Kheradmandan.]
I just really hope to build it with this particular person, because I don't want another one.

Thank you for your advice!

[hmrambling]

First, he's never expressed interest in visiting my country.

Have you talked to him to see what his reason is behind not wanting to visit your country? Has he point-blank said that he doesn't want to visit your country?

Secondly, he hasn't met my family or friends, never accepted an invitation to join my friends to go for a vacation abroad or visit friends that lived near where we travelled together.

Have you talked to him about why he declines invitations to meet your friends?

If so, what is his reasoning?

We are strangers on the internet. I have no way of knowing how good or bad your relationship is. You two guys need to define what your relationship will be and what direction it will go. Open up communication with him and ask him the same questions and see how it goes.

[R&R]

In April he suggested getting married, but when time came to fill in papers for my visa, he said he was not sure we were doing the right thing. We also tried to break up several times, but then got back together.

I love him wholeheartedly and believe he loves me too. At the same time, there are several things that really hurt me. First, he's never expressed interest in visiting my country. Secondly, he hasn't met my family or friends, never accepted an invitation to join my friends to go for a vacation abroad or visit friends that lived near where we travelled together. I can't explain this to myself, and it's actually pretty embarrassing to write.

I feel cheated. I don't understand why he can't do the single most important thing for me. Why he is not sure about the future if he loves me. And if all this means he thinks I am not the right person, why he doesn’t say it.

Maybe I shouldn't already. I always had a 100% trust in him, and now it's quickly shrinking. I feel embarrassed about ending up in a relationship like this. On one hand, I really love him and would do anything to save this relationship. On the other, what can he even do now to regain my trust?

I’ve only left what I think are the key points. I want you to read what you’ve written as if your best friend was telling this to you. What would you think? What advice would you give?

Here’s what I see:
*A man who has spent 4 years with you but won’t really make a commitment
*A man who has no interest in meeting your family
*A man who knows he can get away with it because you will NEVER force his hand.
*A man who know he doesn’t have to follow up on anything because you’ll just let it slide

He has all the power in this relationship and he knows it and he also knows he doesn’t have to do anything to change it because you will just sit and take it. Have some respect for yourself and stand up for yourself. If these things – meeting your family, his coming to visit you – are non-negotiable for this relationship to stay together, then you need to say so and stick with it.

You may be deeply in love with him but his actions say quite the contrary about how he feels. Anyone can say “I love you” but not everyone can prove it with their actions. He’s not proving it. He doesn’t show any care or concern about what you need and your requests are quite reasonable. Flat out ask him if he thinks you are the right person for him. If he isn’t sure or can’t give you an answer – well, there is your answer. Sometimes the person we think we want most in this world can be the most toxic person for us. When you remove yourself from the situation and find someone who does love you like you love them and puts in the same effort you do, you’ll wonder why you ever wasted so much time with the one who wouldn’t do that for you.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

It's really hard to judge the situation when we only know your end of things. I think some of the other people made some really great comments about what to be thinking about/what to talk to him about. I strongly, strongly recommend taking their advice. There has to be a why to all of this. Why won't he visit your country or meet your friends/family? I feel like I don't know the whole story and, by the sounds of it, you don't either. If he won't be honest with you or give you some information that will make this all make sense, then it may be time to cut your losses. I am so so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds pretty devastating.

[eta-carinae]

Have you talked to him to see what his reason is behind not wanting to visit your country? Has he point-blank said that he doesn't want to visit your country?
Have you talked to him about why he declines invitations to meet your friends? If so, what is his reasoning?

He says, "I hope to visit. One day." "I hope to meet them later. One day."

I never wanted to force him, e.g. with an ultimatum, because then I'd know he just did it under threat - and what's the value of this? It's not his physical presence here that I want, I want him to care about me and things that are of such huge importance for me. I'm not raising these questions again.

[eta-carinae]

Flat out ask him if he thinks you are the right person for him. If he isn’t sure or can’t give you an answer – well, there is your answer.

I asked if all this is happening because he thinks I may NOT be the right person. He said that when we are together he doesn't doubt. But he thinks it may be wrong to make a life decision after being apart for so long, we have only good memories, idealize each other, etc.

If I heard this from a friend, I would say it sounds pretty bad. If he wanted to give it a try before marriage, he would be making enormous efforts to convince her to give it a try, and not vice versa.

But for myself, I think he has a good point. He is serious about family. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable to make a committment because it's pressing - it's really the only thing left for us to be able to continue the relationship and it involves committing his entire life. Maybe I need to invest more in this relationship, then he will feel comfortable. But then, I can't decide how long else I need to be doing this. As Ella85 said, 4 years is already long enough to have some idea. And if I keep doing this for a longer term, not being confident that he cares and feeling this embarrassment before my family and friends and myself, and then he does feel comfortable, how do I make MYSELF feel comfortable to commit MY life?

I really don't wish anyone to end up in a situation like this.

[differentcountries]

I asked if all this is happening because he thinks I may NOT be the right person. He said that when we are together he doesn't doubt. But he thinks it may be wrong to make a life decision after being apart for so long, we have only good memories, idealize each other, etc.

If I heard this from a friend, I would say it sounds pretty bad. If he wanted to give it a try before marriage, he would be making enormous efforts to convince her to give it a try, and not vice versa.

But for myself, I think he has a good point. He is serious about family. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable to make a committment because it's pressing - it's really the only thing left for us to be able to continue the relationship and it involves committing his entire life. Maybe I need to invest more in this relationship, then he will feel comfortable.

He is making everything more drastic that it has to be. Why is it a "life decition" to book a flight to see your friends and family? Can't he just say hi to your mum and dad? He has dated you for four years, it is already strange that he has not met them.

And you are making this your fault... If the only reason you can make him commit, is to offer even more than you have so far, when you have done a 100 % of the visits and offered to marry him to close the distance...Again, why is this attractive to you? He does not act like the coat in your small movie, he is acting more like you are the coat and he is the rain.