My country vs His country... where to live?

[Lolod]

Hey you guys,
I think the title says it all, basically my SO and I closed the distance 3 years ago, however the plan was that we live
2 years in his country
2 years in mine
then we make a decision on where to establish for the long run.
Meaning that only 1 year is left before the big decision is to be made and... I think it is fair to say that I AM FREAKING OUT :P

How to make such a decision...? On what basis... ? Have you done it...? How was it...?

I am really looking forward to your replies xx

[lucybelle]

We lived in his country for a few years because it was easier visa-wise for me to go there. Once there, we realized that it would be better economy-wise for use to go back to my country. So we got married and moved back to my country. We still hope to move to at least one other country before eventually retiring in his country (healthcare is cheaper in his country).

I feel at home in both places. There's things I love about both countries and things I don't love about both countries. Our main decision to stay in my country for the time being is we can earn more money here and make a better savings. My SO's job is really taking off here, which could have never happened in his small country.

[differentcountries]

I am very comfortable in his country and learning his language. I love the climate, the food, the relaxed attitude and I would not mind to live there for an extended period of time. However, I don't know the language well enough yet and without that I can't work anywhere but international organisations. And even they would probably not be that interested if I don't have the language skills. There are some easier jobs through Norwegian companies, but they often don't pay good compared to Norwegian main saleries. A lot of things are cheaper in his country, but not neccesarily if you compare it to the regular income, and also the places that pay better have higher rent prices. His country sucks on social benifits and I would not want to give birth there, especially not without his family close by to look after the child. Yes... pretty much people want to go to my country because it is wiser money-wise. Even if our food prices and all else are expensive here, there are ways here to live comfortably and even have savings. For young people to own their own flats is very common here (at least it was until recently when the banks became stricter), I own my second flat now which is very "proper" for my age. In a few years I can probably afford to buy a small flat in Turkey, which is what SO wants. SO has a lot of dept which is related to military (he took up a loan to pay the government to not go....a weird solution but apparently it would have cost SO more to attend military and he would hate it there). My ideal situation would be for him to come here, but that we travel a lot to Turkey and stay there most holidays and whenever we can. It depends if he can get work here (he should start to learn Norwegian) or if we can fix visa in other ways. It is hard to move my husband unless he got a job in Turkey. I have also considered living in Turkey for some time, but I think moneywise it would be hard to sustain living there long time, especially it would be hard to travel to Norway on a Turkish salary. If SO can't come here, the second best solution would be to live/work in Turkey through a Norwegian company.

[Malaga]

Well, what does your SO say? Does he have a preference? Do you? Give us more info about how you guys feel and what makes you freak out.

We're just about to close the distance in a month, I'm moving to his country. We didn't make a deal like you, this is considered a permanent move, unless circumstances change of course. Like, I think if we ever have kids it will be easier to raise them in my country. But we'll cross that bridge if or when we come to it. You have to make a decision at some point, but it's not like you can't ever change your mind if a better opportunity comes along somewhere else.

[Lolod]

Thanks for all the answers! It's a bit hard for us to visits each country often since I am from Montreal Canada and he from Adelaide Australia. It is the furthest we can get, and traveling doesn't come cheap :S
We are in Montreal right now and even if he doesn't speak French he gets along and has a good job. Regarding benefits, both country has free healthcare and all.
Australia is less taxed but Quebec gives AMAZING benefits for young families...
I loved Australia and the weather, we made better money there, I love his family and was really happy over there.
I am freaking out because I am really close to my family here and have a hard time picturing me having my babies away from them.
I know it's a big statement, but I almost feel like I am a traitor if I leave my family behind... :S What do you think?

[Lolod]

at Malaga.
I think he would prefer his country. And you are right... once we make a decision, we can always change our mind

[Malaga]

It doesn't make you a traitor at all, you have your own nuclear family now and you're deciding what's best for you guys. It's really hard to leave your parents and siblings behind, believe me I know. Seems like you enjoyed living in Australia, don't let the guilt stop you from moving there if that's what makes most sense for you. I think in your heart you know what you want. Your parents can visit you, stay with you for some time - I know it's a big distance but it's not impossible to overcome and the world is getting smaller every day. When there's a will there's a way, and I'm sure their main concern is that you're happy and getting the best of life.

[differentcountries]

Thanks for all the answers! It's a bit hard for us to visits each country often since I am from Montreal Canada and he from Adelaide Australia. It is the furthest we can get, and traveling doesn't come cheap :S
We are in Montreal right now and even if he doesn't speak French he gets along and has a good job. Regarding benefits, both country has free healthcare and all.
Australia is less taxed but Quebec gives AMAZING benefits for young families...
I loved Australia and the weather, we made better money there, I love his family and was really happy over there.
I am freaking out because I am really close to my family here and have a hard time picturing me having my babies away from them.
I know it's a big statement, but I almost feel like I am a traitor if I leave my family behind... :S What do you think?

It sounds like either country could work, but that perpahs you have a sweet spot for Australia.

Either way, the children will have to be away from one set of grandparents most of the year. Would he be a traitor if he moved away from his family? That is not how it works. People have to live somewhere, and nobody is obliged to lived across the street from their parents. In this day and age, Skype and other things make it so much easier to be in touch across the distance - I am used to Skyping with my nephew and niece that live half a day's travel away.

To put things in perspective, I was raised up North in my long long country and both sets of grandparents lived in the South where my parents grew up - the distance is about 3 days car drive. My dad moved for work straight out of school, it is often easier to get his type of jobs up North. I was born in the North and because of the cost of transport and communication back then, I saw my grandparents only once a year - and very seldomly talked to them on the phone because that was very expensive back when we had regional phone zones. I think we used to write each other letters... I still remember the amazing Christmas when my favourite granddad flew up to be Santa Claus, and I got to see him TWICE that year! Or the time I got to travel by myself an extra time to see my aunts! I think my parents would have thought it very weird if someone had accused them of being traitors for raising their children somewhere else than 100 % of their family. I used to have a "3rd grandmum" up North, and my parents are social people so we were always surrounded by folks who loved us. We moved from the North to the South when I was 10 years old.

[BaconGirl05]

I think it all depends on where you think you will be happy or what place with fit you both. I think talking about it to your SO can help come to an agreement. As you said, you can always move back.

I'm from the states and my SO is from Australia. At first we didn't know what we wanted to do. We talked about it extensively and came to the decision that I was going to move there. Even though my family is here, I wasn't too fond at the idea of staying here. In a weird way, I don't think it's where I belong. I loved Australia and always have, ever since I was 6. I was happy over there and it just felt like home. We both think it will be the best place to be, if not, we'll figure something else out. My family (most of them at least) have already come to terms with me moving so far away.

If you decide to move to his country, think of it as an opportunity for your family to get out and travel! Same with his family if he decides to move to yours. If you love living in Australia, then move there. Don't feel like you're betraying your family. You need to find where you belong, and if that's over there in Australia, then that's okay It seems stressful, but weigh your options and see where you both think will be the best fit.

[Moon]

There are other things you need to consider here:

Which country has better education, and more accessible higher education? If it seems pretty even, which school systems teach in a way that better suits both of your ethics and values?
Which country has the better job opportunities in your respective fields, or at least in the field of the person with the better earnings/benefits potential?
Which, if either, family has more availability should you have children? Seems silly, but a retired grandparent and a good agreement can save you immensely in child care, and be a lifesaver sometimes.
Who's area in your respective countries that you'd live in is safer, or has more conveniences, or public transportation, or whatever is important to you both?

Good luck.

[Ella85]

If you have the choice you should go where you think you'll be happiest. Housing is cheaper where SO lives and he has a better job than I do. He has a car, I don't. My daughter has US citizenship and I can't afford to sponsor both him and his daughter so the decision was already made for us. I'm not fussed though he is closer to his family than I am to mine. Ultimately I think you should do what makes you both happiest.

[Honour]

Agreed with Ella. Be where you want to be. My SO has a full time job, possibly going to return to high education so we can have a better future, has a car, whereas I don't have a job or car, will be done with uni in less than 18 months and the only people with ties to me in the UK are my parents. I hate living in Wales, there are virtually no prospects for me here and the future is far bleaker here for me than going over to the states. That... and I feel more at home around Americans than I do those around me here. Go figure :P

[staruletto]

Ive been putting thought into this (but it's a long ways off! We haven't even met in person yet) And so far I think me moving to Norway would be best if it gets to that point. He has way more family than I do and I mean....well I'm sure most of the world knows that there's a lot wrong with the US right now. I don't know, I just feel like I'd have an overall more prosperous life there than here. I groom dogs, as long as I can learn the language I'm almost certain I'd have no problem finding a job there as long as it's an area where people have dogs. I've been doing it for 10 years now so I'm pretty damn good at what I do!. Where as here there is probably not much if any opportunity here. The only thing that's really holding me back (which is not a bad thing, I really need to be certain I want to go through with it!) is the lack of dual citizenship and basically having to renounce my US citizenship. Luckily there's no rush and I have plenty of time to think about it. But yeah, in short family and ability to find a job are the two main factors for me.

[pizza_heart]

My SO moved to where i am, but things were a lot easier for us (thanks baby jesus) since he has a dual citizenship and his maternal family (mom included) live here. So he ditched his dad's family, siblings and friends in his home country to be with me and his other family. He says the economy is better here too and there are more job prospects, and i have my family here + stable job/income/house/car, so it was an easy, quick choice.

[farandaway]

When there's a will there's a way. I believe in that. We had plans that my SO comes to Finland for longer periods of time since he can run his business from anywhere and you can do business in Finland in English in many fields. We even went that far last year when my SO was visiting here that he participated in a fair in his field and met up with prospective partners. Then our life and our plans were turned upsidedown when his dad got ill and passed away this fall and he is now taking care of his mom. I'm an entrepreneur and I can also do a lot of my work independent of my location. I will start seriously building direct marketing business next year which will give me complete independence and income where ever I am. The problem of course is visas which we haven't figured out how to overcome yet.

I'm more an introvert and I definitely fit in Finnish culture better than the American. But I'm willing to move and make it there as well. He loves his hometown and I will visit there for the first time in February. He is willing to come here later as well. There are so many moving parts with kids and jobs and exes and all. You can consider yourself lucky when you are in your situation as a young couple and have two good choices to choose from. And nothing is final. Although moving and getting settled is tough, it can be done. Good luck with your decision.