Sad holidays - trip cancelled

[farandaway]

I can agree with the post Surviving but not Thriving. It's come to this with my SO.

He is so stressed over caregiving and overworked. I arranged to be able to go there in February during my kids' holiday. I arranged it with my ex and ex mother in law, with kids school etc. SO said February sounds good. But now when it's time to book my ticket he says if his life was normal he'd love to have me there but he has so much work to take care of mom and fix the house. His parents lived there together while dad was sick with cancer for the last 10+ years and house is falling apart and needs thorough renovation. He is killing himself with responsibility and work and stress and he is not asking for any help from me or anyone else. To me it sounds like house renovation is more important than me. I know there is more to it and I cannot comprehend all of his life but then he doesn't give me an opportunity to be part of it either.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave my love but I can't take this waiting and disappointments all the time. I feel I'm giving so much more then getting. I've been so patient and supportive but he feels I'm another stressor. He's asked me if I want to be part of his life as it is and my answer is yes, if he can really make me part of it. I don't only need good days, I know a relationship goes through ups and downs. But he is not making me part of his life. He says he will visit me when he can see an end to the work and he just can't make a vacation before it's done. I offered to be there to help him out and this makes me feel really lousy. I am not welcome in his world after a year apart. Who doesn't want the chance to see their SO after a year apart if it's made possible?

In a committed relationship you compromise and you plan both lives to intervene somehow the best you can. I feel he is excluding me completely. But at the same time I feel so sorry for him. I honestly think he will get sick at this rate. So how could I walk away. He even finished moving his belongings back to NM and left Boston behind including filing for divorce finally. When I heard that I was so happy. But it didn't last long. There's been so many disappointments and cancelling my trip is just too much. I respect that he stayed with him mom at dad's death bed for 8months until the end and he is now staying with mom. But if there is no place for me until his life is "normal" again? When is that? He has my heart and he's causing it so much pain. Is it wrong to ask to set me free if he can't give me any answers.

Do I ask to talk to him about this? It's now been almost a week since we talked and I was trying to convince him I can visit him and help him and don't need any special treatment and I'm wililng to see his life as it is. I'm afraid we would not get any further on skype and I'm afraid he is not going to change his mind about it. I have kept somewhat strong until now but I don't like the silence I want to know how we go on from here. So I don't know if I should wait over Christmas and write him a letter then telling what I expect (that he's told his family about me, that he has a trip planned here, that he wants me there with a booked trip, that we can plan my visit there in the summer, that he commits to us in ways that are visible and concrete to me and he commits to the possibility of marriage if that is the only way to get me there. and make sure his divorce is proceeding ). And finally that he lets me go to find happiness elsewhere if he can't provide me any of that. I'm of course ready to compromise but I don't want to be in this rut forever.

Never expected this a year ago when we had a beautiful peaceful Christmas together.

I like this forum but I'm afraid to write here sometimes because I can't handle being slammed down when I'm already feeling down like now. I'd like to have comments but would be nice if you can pick words that bring the message out in a nice way. thank you.

[Honour]

Even the strongest person has their limit, and frankly, what you describe... reminds me of what I did when I was 18. I'm gonna briefly touch on it, but won't go into too much detail. When I was 18, I was training to be a nurse, and for two years almost, I suffered in silence with my health. I'd do 12 hour shifts in agony, and I didn't tell anyone. I cared for the patients I was looking after more than I did myself. I neglected myself for too long, and when the final day came when I realised what I was doing to myself, and when I couldn't take it any longer, everything went downhill, to put it very lightly. Why? Because I loved what I was doing, and got carried away.

Now, my questions to you are, how much "punishment" can you take? How many disappointments can you handle? Can you truly wait for him when things like this happen? Because honestly, if it was me... I'd be writing that letter already. Or asking for a Skype call. He needs a kick up the ass to wake himself out of this stupor, because whilst it's admirable what he's doing, if this is ALL he can focus on, it isn't fair to you and compromises and realisations will have to be made, or he may lose you. Talk to him. Try and make him see what he's missing out on, and what he could lose.

The thing is, by the time things become "Normal" again (because let's face it, being someone's carer is a long term commitment in a way), it may be too late to change your mind. So, speak to him now, and try to resolve this, before it'll be too late and neither of you can do it anymore.

[R&R]

I think it's important that you do talk to him about it some more. I've had this happen quite a few times in a relationship when a partner makes a decision stating "well I thought it was best for you because (fill in the blank). Sometimes I really think that they believe they are doing the right thing.

When someone tells you they are doing what's best for you, you have to reply to them that you are an adult and that you can fully decide what's best for you. You know if you are okay with spending time there while he works on the house. You know if you are okay with knowing he's going to be really busy. Honestly, you need to tell him to stop making your decisions for you and if HE doesn't want you there than he needs to flat out say it instead of trying to act like he's doing you a favor.

[pizza_heart]

I think its admirable that you're still waiting and fully commited to this guy. However, having read the whole backstory and knowing what it takes to be a caregiver (both my grandparents have alzheimers and it takes a toll on the family), it can become so stressful that your whole life comes to a halt. He hasn't even finalized his divorce, that's something an attorney does for you and he hasn't even had time for that. Have you asked him if he has the time, energy and commitment for a long distance relationship, still? Being in a normal relationship takes work, being in a LDR with little communication and no visits is even harder. Most people would pick family over a relationship. I'm pretty sure his mom is his priority and her relying on him for everything is his life priority right now and maybe for years to come. About the house renovations... maybe it's just the man's pride, or because it's his family home and he feels he needs to do that to honor his mom and dad. Mybe it's a cultural thing and it's hard to understand, but to me it sounds he is not in a place in his life where he can be in a committed relationship, let alone a LDR.

[differentcountries]

This makes no sense. You have already told him you are willing to take whatever scaps he offers, and now he is telling you you can't come because he has to renovate the house??

Sure, everyone's life is busy. There are hardships to be found. But I have visited SO when he has had frankly no time for me, it is not ideal, but it worked. SO visited me when husband and I bought a new flat, in fact I took SO on the actual viewing AND the colour sceme picking tour (husband had to work). I have spent this entire year being tired from the exhaustion of the move, the redecorationg two places, the furniture buying (everything we had was old and worn) - I am applying for jobs, and on top of it all, my Mum gets much much worse and I took it upon me to control everything medically related to her. She is going to be my priority in the years to come, and I am not looking forward to the - very real - possability that she will die and that I am left with a very tired and also greiving father. I have very little money. Yet, through it all, I feel SOs love because he cares, he gives me compliments, he says he wishes he was the one I cooked for - he is not alien to the troubles I go through. He is part of my life. I am going to fix everything for my mum, and then I am going to see SO. I am not going to use my life as an excuse to not have a relationship.

There is such a thing as being focused, and not focused. Right now, your SO is totally out of focus of what is appropriate for someone who is engaged in a serious relationship. You have already been very patient with everything and with not even being allowed to visit. He has to let you in. It is as simple as that. There will be no later time to pick up the thread, the only time is now.

[Unicorn26]

It's breaking my heart to read this...

I'm not sure if this is an American male pride thing but it sounds very familiar. You guys need to talk about this really soon as it sounds like he's shutting you out and building walls around him. You deserve answers, it seems like he's stringing you along and it's not ok.

I can't tell what's going on with him, just give a little insight from my personal experiences. I have found my SO is extremely proud and independent which is great, but he doesn't realise the harm he does when he refuses help. I have tried on numerous occasions to try and get through to him that I WANT to help, I want him to come and see me so badly I am more than willing to help financially but he won't have it, won't even discuss it which is beyond frustrating. (What is it about Americans not visiting other countries? Its like pulling teeth, he's supposed to be coming over in March but still hasn't sorted out a passport???)

The only thing you can do to resolve this is talk. You need answers and ideally soon. Christmas without our lovers is hard enough as it is without all these unanswered questions and so much uncertainty. I really hope you can sort this out and get through to him how much you want this to happen. To go for a week without talking is really quite a long time, I find the longer I go without speaking to my SO we start to drift. You need to try and pull him back a little.

Your needs you have detailed in your post are far from unreasonable. You must love yourself though. If this is causing you such terrible pain then you may need to take a long hard look at the situation. He's not commiting to you, he's holding back for some reason, it could be that he's not ready yet as his divorce is still going through.

There is no doubt that he has a tremendous amount in his plate. He could share it with you though and lighten the load, it's whether you can persuade him to do that. You will never know unless you talk to him.

I wish you all the best and all the luck in the world. I wish I could give you a hug, please keep us posted with what happens xx

[whatruckus]

I'm not sure if it's just an American men thing, or just in general depends on the culture and how they were raised. My SO is the same way (as everyone knows). In my opinion, it seems like your SO doesn't know how to deal with stress and is just focusing on the house. Not realizing he's pushing you away. He probably feels helpless and can't control what's going on, and the only thing he can control right now is fixing the house.

[ChloChlo]

I think you should absolutely ask to talk to him about this. He needs to know what you are feeling and contemplating. Obviously none of us can tell you what to do - you should listen to your own instincts and figure out what works best for you and your S/O. I don't think there's a right or wrong choice as long as you find what works for you.

I agree with you that he needs to take care of his own health. What good will he be to his mother if he ends up in the hospital??

[pizza_heart]

Also, he lost his dad. Some people take years to mourn a loss. No one likes to be alone forever, but right now he is probably figuring out things for himself and needs that time for himself again after being a caregiver for so long. He will probably have to focus on himself and getting better before adding another stress factor like a relationship+kids+having someone else move in/having to move out, even if you're just trying to make things easier. It's a lot of pressure, i would personally feel overwhelmed and wanting to bury myself under a rock for a while.

As for you, i would suggest trying to talk things bluntly in order to get answers or a clear path, if there is still a possibility of a future together or not. and if its too overwhelming...you know what to do. Focus on your own life and your kids. He's a grown man whos shit hit the fan.

[TaraMarie]

My SO would have behaved the same way in the beginning of our relationship. It sounds to me like he is completely stressed and just can't see past all of it. Can't you just go anyway....stay in a hotel? Maybe he is embarrassed about the house?

[farandaway]

Thank you all. I can relate to a lot of that's been said about stress. We all function in different ways during stress and this is his way. Maybe there is some pride or cultural differences there as well. He is truly dedicated to his parents. I have never ever seen anyone this dedicated before.

I wrote to him yesterday and he immediately replied saying it's important we discuss it and he will write me back when he has the time. So he did. So basically he says it's not that he doesn't want to see me, he just doesn't have time to plan for that right now. He has so much work and it needs to get done. He needs a break but he wants it to be a restful break when he has a chance to see me.

I agree that he can't see this the way I'm seeing it. I still think it would be best to be together. He wants things under control first but we don't know when that is. Also he said that because of Mom's Alzheimer's it's best that life and house work is more settled so it'll will be less confusing for her to meet a new person in her life.

So we will continue talking by email. He has a tendency of expecting me to read his mind. I would not have been so disappointed about the trip if he had not dragged the answer for weeks. At least I feel better now that we are communicating again. It's good to know that he is not meaning to push me away. It is just so hard and love makes you so vulnerable. There is so much to learn about each other.

[farandaway]

Update on the situation. 2016 came and nothing changed. I waited patiently until end of March and since he still could not commit to anything or take time to skype with me. I had a tough decision to make. I broke up with him for good. He was very hurt but accepted it. I wish we could have at least come to this decision together but he gave me no chance. Last thing I suggested to meet him in Florida in May since I could have taken a business trip there. But there was always something with mom and he excluded me out of all of his life.

To tell you the truth I was surprised how easy it was after all to let go off him. My love never died and neither did his and the distance was not really the issue here, it was the circumstances and his inability to deal with it. I had to request him not contact me at all to get a new start in my life. I wish we could have stayed in touch somehow because I care about him but probably our roads will never cross again.

I have started dating a wonderful guy locally and I'm falling in love with him. Life is smiling and I will cherish all the memories from past life. It all had a meaning and brought me where I am now. I hope you guys work it out with your LD partners. It's time for me to step out of this forum. Take care!

[Miasmata]

It must have been really tough, but if it was the right decision to make, you did the right thing by sticking to your guns and going through with it. Be kind to yourself and keep your head high All the best to you and your future!!

[R&R]

I'm glad you were able to make a decision and now move forward. I'm sure it was terribly hard. Best of luck in this new relationship and all aspects of your life. We'll miss you here!!

[Redheart14]

Glad you found happiness again. All the best with your new SO.