How to deal with SO being in touch with Ex?

[RichardMaxwell]

Hi everyone

I am in a relationship with someone I have never met, it's been 3 and half months now. My SO (25) has had a previous 3 year rel with someone, also from Europe, and she went to visit him but things did not end well, this was in July this year. She has assured me many times that it is over. However, her ex contacts her continuously. Once to tell her he cheated on her and to ask for her forgiveness, once to just wish her the best with her new rels, once to say he'd send some of her things by post that she left at his place, once to wish her Merry Christmas, ie yesterday. She tells me about this, and as far as i can tell is being open about it. She only once replied, when he wrote to wish her luck in future relationships, to wish him the same, according to her.

Now on her FB page yesterday my SO wrote a merry christmas message which included the words 'and to all the boys I've loved before'. Everytime I read it I feel like, well, I just got punched in the face. It's not because I fear that my SO and her Ex will get together again, I do believe it's over. But she still seems to have a big amount of affection for him, despite the way he treated her, I suspect he ended it and not her.

Anyway, it bothers me that they are still in touch, is this normal or am I overreacting? How would you deal with it?

Thanks and Happy Holidays.

[R&R]

Welcome to LFAD.

At this point, really all you can do is honestly tell her how you feel about it and discuss it. In the end, it's her choice if she chooses to stay in touch with an ex. If she says she will being staying in touch, then you have the choice of staying in or leaving the relationship.

I'm in touch with many of my ex's - going all the way back to high school (and that was 27 years ago). My SO knows. When I was living in another town a couple of years ago, one of my ex's came over to help me get my riding lawn mower going because my SO couldn't come 1,000 miles to do that. My SO knows I love him, only him and only want to be with him. He trusts me and has absolutely no reason not to. If he felt he needed to control who I contacted and who I didn't, well this relationship would be over.
My SO is also in touch with some of his ex's. There is only one that grates on my nerves and she gets on his too. She has tried a couple of times to find reasons to see him or worm back into his life. He's shot her down each time. I trust him completely.

Some people can handle being friends or in touch with ex's. Other people never want to run into an ex again....unless it's with their car. Some people are okay with people being friends with ex's and some can't handle that. Only the two of you will be able to make the final decision for the two of you.

[Honour]

I'm in touch with the only ex I really have any form of contact with, we were in an LDR for 3 years on and off, but in the end he gave up because he couldn't cope with it any longer. Our contact is sparse, and whilst things haven't always been easy between us, we've managed to put most of the negatives behind us. I told him straightaway that I had my SO, and he mentioned he has a girlfriend, so once that was settled, things have been steady enough.

My SO was initially concerned, but he doesn't mind so much anymore, and I'm honest with him to point he knows not to worry. I love him, not my ex. Contact is fine, so long as it's not going to drive a wedge between you and your SO, and honesty is maintained.

[RichardMaxwell]

Thanks for giving me a female perspective, both of you. I did not realise it was this common for girls to stay in touch with their exes over long periods. It's very good to know.