She is afraid of the distance and no longer wants to invest in the relationship

[Fredrik Koenig]

I had a LDR with a girl since October. We used to text every day, sometimes until late at night, and Skyped like 3 times a week. We didn't meet yet, but the plan was that I would visit her next month. We both are from European countries and are in our mid twenties.

But since last month she suddenly acted reserved and no looker took the initiative to Skype. We still texted every day, but also those messages became more reserved and it took longer for her to reply. When I asked what was wrong a few days back, she finally said that she was afraid that her feelings for me would grow even stronger when we would spend more time together, but a LDR wouldn't work; she had a LDR before which ended half a year ago. She also has no clear future plans, which makes the situation even harder in her eyes. Maybe it's important to note that she also lived with someone from her own country for a few years and was even engaged with him, but eventually broke up.

I told her she is worth the wait and that I could move to her country if we would know each other better (I speak the language), or she could live here if she wants to study abroad. It was four days ago when I asked what was wrong and we didn't talk since that time.

I think she is still processing the failure of her first two relations and might not be ready for a new one. But what breaks my heart is that she loves me (she told so herself), but doesn't want to give it a chance to see if things would work out. Love is something you are glad to show and makes u happy, and should not be pushed back, right? It’s not like I am asking her to marry me! I want to be there for her when she is having a hard time. What should I do to convince her to take this chance with me?

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Hello and welcome to LFAD. I wish that I could give you better advice, but unfortunately, there isn't much you can do at this point. You have laid it all out there and told her that you two can make it work. It's her turn to take the next step and commit just as much as you are. It takes two committed people to be in a LDR. My suggestion to you would be to explain to her one last time everything you said here. Explain that you know that she's scared, but that love is scary and that you want to take the chance on her because you believe it may be the real thing and ask her to take that same chance on you. If she says no, then you can't really do much else. Best of luck to you!

[Fredrik Koenig]

Hello and welcome to LFAD. I wish that I could give you better advice, but unfortunately, there isn't much you can do at this point. You have laid it all out there and told her that you two can make it work. It's her turn to take the next step and commit just as much as you are. It takes two committed people to be in a LDR. My suggestion to you would be to explain to her one last time everything you said here. Explain that you know that she's scared, but that love is scary and that you want to take the chance on her because you believe it may be the real thing and ask her to take that same chance on you. If she says no, then you can't really do much else. Best of luck to you!

Thanks for your advice. I however do not want to convince her again at this point, because we haven't spoken for days and I don't want to sound needy (that's a turn off, right?). I am hoping she will take the first step by contacting me if she's ready. I find that a hard thing to do, but I guess there's nothing else I can do at this point. In the meanwhile I live my life and do things I like to do; visiting friends and such. But that doesn't mean I am not still thinking about her.

[Miasmata]

It's less about being a "turn off" and more just whether it would help or not to contact her. If you both said everything there is to be said right now, then no, leave the ball in her court and let her decide. Be good to yourself and understand that no matter how lovely someone is, they might simply not be cut out for long distance. It's not an easy kind of relationship to have, and not everyone is willing or able to make it work.

[LittleMissNova]

It's less about being a "turn off" and more just whether it would help or not to contact her. If you both said everything there is to be said right now, then no, leave the ball in her court and let her decide. Be good to yourself and understand that no matter how lovely someone is, they might simply not be cut out for long distance. It's not an easy kind of relationship to have, and not everyone is willing or able to make it work.

I completely agree with this.

[Honour]

As Miasmata said, LDRs aren't for everyone. It takes a certain kind of person to be able to persevere through one.

[Smnsn]

I'm going through the same thing right now. It sucks, she became distant rather quickly and now we barely talk. It's been about 3 weeks now and it's really hard just to talk every few days and it's not like it was before. She was in a long distance relationship before and he ended it with her after she went to visit the last time so I'm guessing she has the fear that it won't work out between us. It may or it may not it's the same in any relationship. I know she loves me but she I think she just doesn't want to be hurt again. All we can do is wait and be there for them if they're willing to give it a chance.

[chronos]

I'm going through the same thing right now. It sucks, she became distant rather quickly and now we barely talk. It's been about 3 weeks now and it's really hard just to talk every few days and it's not like it was before. She was in a long distance relationship before and he ended it with her after she went to visit the last time so I'm guessing she has the fear that it won't work out between us. It may or it may not it's the same in any relationship. I know she loves me but she I think she just doesn't want to be hurt again. All we can do is wait and be there for them if they're willing to give it a chance.

I hate to say it but I am joining the party of "same thing is happening to me". It does suck but what can we do? I am getting all the classic symptoms of where the communication becomes less and less. We used to write each other small emails everyday to each other and this started in August. Two weeks ago I noticed they became every few days which I was fine with you know its a pain to write everyday, but now we are closing in on a week of no emails from her. We still text or fb message here and there.

So after giving some space and I didn't want to seem needy or crowding her, I just gave her a simple is everything alright? on fb. Saw that she has seen it about 30 minutes later but no reply and its been hours. I am not trying to overthink it but she usually responds right away or within the hour. Maybe she is busy at work or something else could be but also could be holding off replying because she is finding a way to dump me. We met through eharmony and her friend bought her a whole year so she still has 6 months left. Wouldn't be surprised if she met someone close to her. And if that's the case, would I want to be with someone that doesn't hold true to being in a strict relationship.

[sasad]

Its not about sounding needy... its about explaining what you need. Two different things. Unless you communicate, then you just sit there thinking the worse or allowing the worse to happen. It takes two people to make a relationship work.
People should have lives outside of their LDR. People need friends and other interest as well. YOU NEED TO TALK!

[hupihu]

My girlfriend had the same problems too. She was so afraid of distance. But if you give a free time for her and not bother, she can decide. I dont know how she personality but I hope you will be fine with her

[rache82]

It is better to be loved than not at all is my moto. So sure, I agree with you. Doesn't hurt to give anything a go. I hope by now you've been able to figure things out.