We never me ...what now?

[nelle]

SORRY IF YOU SEEN THIS POST BEFORE I POSTED IN LDR STORIES, BUT FIGURED IT WOULD BE MORE FITTING IN HERE.

So my partner, K, and I started talking on an online forum. We never met. He's in India and I'm in the U.S. He's Hindu and I'm Christian. We don't necessarily have a ton in common, but we get along very well. We are very attracted to each other. And we have built and are continuing to build a strong relationship.

No one on either side knows about this relationship. So to his family and friends I don't exist, likewise for me (except for a cousin I showed his pic to once). We talk almost everyday via WhatsApp and we Skype occasionally. I don't get to hear his voice enough . We don't really have an anniversary date, but we've known each other since April 2013, so almost 3 years and you can say we started to talk romantically about a year in. So almost 3 years later our relationship has weathered a few "storms" - me calling it quits, which lasted for a month and a 2 weeks of silence "argument". We have never actually argued in our entire time of knowing each other. We have been mad at each other, but we eventually talk it out. And I love that about us.

I have expressed to him that sometimes I lose hope in our relationship because I just don't see us coming together - cultural barriers, location, religion, family, finances. And he doesn't like hearing that. Nonetheless, during our last discussion on this we are committed to making it work. K is very optimistic and I'm the worrier. But sometimes I feel like he isn't being realistic about our situation. I'm like "PANIC, PANIC, PANIC!" And he's like "it's going to be okay" LOL I generally feel like I'm a bit more frustrated by our distance than he is.

We are both very family oriented. So when thoughts like closing the distance come up I stress out. I don't mind moving, but it's a bit nerve-racking given other circumstances. Further, I'm 100% sure his parents won't accept me. He actually told me that too. But he says he'll convince them and eventually they'll like me. I know my parents biggest concern (and mine to some extent) is our religious beliefs.

We are both career-oriented as well, he works full-time and I'm a full-time grad student. Financially we aren't very stable so meeting and missing each other like crazy has been a big issue and topic of discussion often. Meeting is the first order of business, but in the back of mind I'm always wondering more about the future. Like "after we meet then what"? Go back to life as usual? That's going to be crazy hard. So when do we meet next? Another 3 or 4 years later? I truly do love him, but I can't see how this plays out. We have no date, year, or deadline scheduled to met. Should I set a time limit? Like "if we don't meet in the next year or two we should call it quits"? I really don't want to do that, but I would just like to have a date or something in mind...to look forward to. You know?

Any advice? Anyone going through something like this? Or went through something like thing? This waiting game is hard.

[WarwickGuy]

My personal situation is different to yours (went LDR after Close Distance Relationship and now trying to find a way to come together), but I think things to suggest.

Firstly is about timeline. As you mentioned, what should be the deadlines and when should you call quits? None of us can say, that is completely up to you and what you're hoping to gain from this relationship. Obviously you want to end up living together, but you must ask yourself, how long can you wait? Do you think you can only last another year before calling quits? Or are you prepared to put years into constructing a list of things to do and slowly ticking them off (and with possible difficulties too)?

Second is plan/structure. Once again, you said the first order of business is to meet each other and it's good you've got that first clear aim. It's important as being a couple online is very different to meeting in person and you need to know what that's like before you can commit to going any further. You wouldn't have to go back to life as usual. You would in the sense that you've met him and you're then returning to a day to say life without him. However, you have completed a very important step. In LDR's the important thing is always to have an aim that is achievable, whether that be your next meeting or moving in together. You can then work towards that target. It would be good to think about a general plan of what you want to do and a rough time frame for it, so you can use it to help you start planning things. Also, look realistically at the situation as to whether these things can be achieved. For example, the money and time to meet each other and in the long term visa issues.

All those barriers, just another day in the life of an LDR haha. Now, I think I have it relatively easy, as my gf and I have quite clear and flexible plans, but even for us we have to deal with issues of cultural barriers, geography and finance. No relationship is easy, it all depends how much you want to take on as part of your challenge to come together one day.

Yes, waiting can be frustrating, but to many of us, it is worth the wait. Those rare chances we get to visit each other are worth the world and give so much joy that it's worth the pain of being apart. You will be sad that you're apart, but always look for the joy, which shouldn't be difficult at all.

[R&R]

I have expressed to him that sometimes I lose hope in our relationship because I just don't see us coming together - cultural barriers, location, religion, family, finances. And he doesn't like hearing that. Nonetheless, during our last discussion on this we are committed to making it work. K is very optimistic and I'm the worrier. But sometimes I feel like he isn't being realistic about our situation. I'm like "PANIC, PANIC, PANIC!" And he's like "it's going to be okay" LOL I generally feel like I'm a bit more frustrated by our distance than he is.

We are both very family oriented. So when thoughts like closing the distance come up I stress out. I don't mind moving, but it's a bit nerve-racking given other circumstances. Further, I'm 100% sure his parents won't accept me. He actually told me that too. But he says he'll convince them and eventually they'll like me. I know my parents biggest concern (and mine to some extent) is our religious beliefs.

WarwickGuy has given you some great advice and information.

As far as this section - though your SO doesn't want to talk about these things, you are correct in being realistic about them. These aren't small things that can be brushed aside and just hope it works out. These are very valid issues that need to be addressed. You certainly can work through all of those things if there is some give and take.

As far as his family - when you marry someone, you do marry into that family. In your case, even more so if you leave your family behind and you move there. If they don't like you, then you have to decide how you will deal with that. You will be at family functions and gatherings where everyone will have to get along. It may just limit how much time you and your SO spend together with his family. There are plenty of people out there who don't get along with their in-laws but have a wonderful marriage, regardless.

I was in a relationship with someone who was a practicing Catholic and I am a practicing Baptist/Christian. I wanted kids and he didn't. These were both items we couldn't compromise on. I considered converting and then realized I would do it only long enough to get married and then be done with it and that wasn't right or fair. I also knew if we eventually had children (if he changed his mind) that I wouldn't want them raised Catholic and he would. We never fought or argued but we both realized that neither of us was willing to change our minds and we broke up. For us, it was the right thing to do. He ended up marrying a Catholic girl and they have one child.

[nelle]

thanks WarwickGuy. it's good to get a guys perspective on this i guess what i'm realizing is it's more so hard to wait because of that uncertainty of not knowing how we will get along in "real-life". i feel like i could def wait if i knew for sure that there was a higher possibility of things actually coming together BUT as of right now that's not the case. ughhh lol

thanks R&R. you are so right. this is def something we have to really discuss and not just brush under the rug. and apart of me is shying away from the topic. 1)i don't want him to convert just to get married to me or whatever but he has hinted that he would be willing to do that 2) there is that small possibility of, if and when, we meet things just don't work out as we would have hoped. maybe i'm thinking too much into this I'm not sure.

And as i'm writing my responses i can't help but thinking of not being able to him. like if we decide to end our relationship before we meet chances are we really wont ever meet...the possibility of our paths naturally crossing are slim to none. and apart of me would want to make that effort to meet him regardless of not being romantically involved (cause i'll always see him as a friend). and of course I'm not sure how he would feel about that. i guess what I'm thinking is i wouldn't want to end this until we could have a proper and fair face-to-face encounter. we would def owe ourselves that much. and that's me just ranting a little

[WarwickGuy]

Yeah, uncertainty is never nice. Hopefully you can find a way to meet to help create greater certainty that can reassure you

It's alright to rant, as it allows what you feel to come out and you can read it over and see if it reflects how you feel about your relationship on the whole. Obviously you're feeling a lot of frustration and really want to meet him. I'm not sure if there's any doubt coming through in that statement? Or I might just be misreading it. Regardless, it is obvious that you really want to meet him, even if things do not end up as hoped in the end.

[nelle]

truthfully, there is probably some doubt regarding us getting it together in the next year - i'm a full-time grad student with no income at the moment. so it's the matter of waiting another year or two i'm like ripping my hair out.

this process has definitely taught me patience!!