Hey guys, im not going to delve into the relationship as a whole, ive already asked that question on here (please see my profile). But we met overseas, shes latino but studies in the US (american accent) we are both 19. She came and visited me December last year, that took our relationship to a whole new level, we even discussed marriage and a life together, she told me I was "the only one for her" and i felt like my life had changed, like i finally found what id been looking for.
since she left, we talked like a fully functioning couple and life was at a peak, i could do anything. Then, it started slipping a few weeks in... university started to take over for her, she had assignments and lab reports coming out of her skull (Pre-med, aspiring doctor) i beleived her, however one thing didnt change, she still told me how much she loved me and that her feelings wherent any different. On valentines day she received a letter from me stating everything that i want in the relationship, where i want to go in the future, how i feel about her, just everything.... Her response to that was "im writing you back", so i quickly just re-asked what i said in the letter about her wanting the same thing and do you feel the same way? to which she replied "I guess youll find out in 2 weeks, im writing you back". And ever since then ive been living in this really sad, confused state of uncertainty, because i don't want to bother her with the plan for our relationship since the answer is coming in a letter and she is, again, EXTREMELY busy with her school, like unbeleivably. So i went through probably the saddest 2 weeks of my life until i got the letter today. It was everything i hoped for... it layed out how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, that she "knows who she wants to come home to every day when i'm older" and "I know we are meant to be together", for the sake of my crappy explanation, here is word for word, literally exactly what is written:
"Josh,
here is everything that has been on my mind beside cyclohexane and stereoisomers (to do with her UNI), Life sucks. sometimes it feels impossible. Often the things we want are not feasible. Feelings are things you can easily move from person to person like an object.
Bulls***
If you really want something, make it possible. Feelings arent easily ignored because its like running from yourself. People dont have an emotional on/off switch.
I love you
These aren't three words i take lightly and i've always meant them when ive said them to you - i will always mean them when i say them to you
so, now what?
I have no idea what the right thing to do is, Sandra (her therapist/family friend who she trusts with her life) says we should take a break and do our own thing. This is hard for my heart to understand because it is flooded with emotion. My head knows this is probably the best solution.
The future
I see myself with you, living with you in 20 years. The path it takes to get us to where i know we are meant to be is irrelevant, so long as the end result is us together.
I know
I know we are meant to be together
I know its going to be a rocky path
I know i dont have much time to put into a long distance relationship
I know who i want to come home to at the end of the day when im older
I know im in love with you.
It's going to be ok
Maybe it's not ok right now, but WE will work it out eventually. Give it time, enjoy your freedom! Youth - there is plenty of time to be old and committed later. Everything will find a way to work itself out. I miss you. With love, Ale"
"the path it takes to get us where i know we are meant to be is irrelevant so long as the end result is us together"...
This was like 2 weeks back, and i skyped her the afternoon i got that letter and expressed my joy and agreed with her on pretty much everything, i think she thought that that was the solution and wrapped up the conversation, but i let her know i still seemed...off... She said, ill talk to you, i have to go. I honestly agreed with everything except the fact about taking a break. i didn't want to, i wasn't the one who had a college life with friends all around and a career ahead of me, i enjoyed talking to her every second of the day, i enjoyed telling everyone about her, i enjoyed thinking about a life together. I didn't want this 'break' but i wanted everything else she said. I know she means it.
I could tell she was trying to slowly transverse into this 'break' period, the communication was almost non existent for a week after that, only replied "me too" when i told her i loved her. then, a day before her spring break, i sent her another damn paragraph kind of like my letter to her stating my feelings and wants and needs. she said "im going to read over it and call you after spring break" this was 10th of march, the following day, her snapchat story was her at a club filming the room of people dancing and then a picture of her taking a selfie with some guy standing behind her, not holding her, just leaning behind her. My heart sank when i saw it, i swear i actually went deaf for a few seconds, i had that horrible feeling in my stomach, i couldnt breathe. i literally couldn't breathe for a solid 5 seconds. I was in a state of shock and panic for a solid hour and then i started to convince myself that i was over thinking it. I stupidly sent her a passive aggressive message stating that, "look maybe this isnt the best thing for you... you're at a time in your life where you're better off dancing with guys in loose shirts with long hair at clubs (yes, reffering to the guy in the snapchat subtly) blah blah. She didn;t see the message for a few days and replied then, saying "lets please talk about this later" I was pretty good, i tried to let her have her time, even though how heartbreaking it was for me not talking to her, i knew if i tried it would do no good. But i also felt like she thought i didn;t care... it is now the 19th there and during the whole 9 days'ish, i talked to her twice, about 4 days ago i said "i love you", she saw, and never replied. few days later i asked her when she got back and she said "tommorrow night", i replied "i miss you, these past few weeks have been the hardest of my life" (which they where...) she replied "im sorry you feel that way, i cant deal with this right now", i said neither can i, but youll like what i have to say i promise, and then bang.... she said " i don't think you'll like what i have to say" yeah....that shook me to the core...it was followed by her saying we can skype Sunday which is tomorrow for her and that she needs to go to sleep, she leaves for back to college. I just ignored it for 5 minutes and then STUPIDLY said, "do you still love me?" (she replied in the morning saying "this is not a conversation i am willing to have right now, i havent talked to her since)
And that's my problem guys... this is where my question is. I was so consumed by her, i let her control my entire life, my happiness. Every little thing she did or said had a direct affect on my happiness and it wasn't good, i was being an annoying, overly attached mess, i was obsessed with her. when i got that letter from her i should have left it there, but i couldn't, there was one key thing i failed to realize, that i only discovered last night. I need to be happy on my own, regardless of her, i need to have my own goals and happiness in place for her to add too. I stayed up all night just thinking oh s*** what have i done.... i've ruined it, i see what i've done wrong now and i know what i need to say to her but i've ruined it. I stayed up all night thinking about my life and her and i have to say i felt ALOT better, i've figured it out and now this whole ordeal doesn't seem as shocking. You see, i now have aspirations and a plan in place for the next year, but ultimately, i want to build a career and move over there with her and have a life with her in the long term. It's what i want to do, i truly think that's the best option for me. The problem is now though, have i ruined things between us? is it too late? can i still fix this?
i have 2 plans when i skype her tommorrow:
A) i let her talk FIRST, i encourage her to say what she wants to say (most likely say she wants to take this break now, or break up even), then act mature and agree with her and not like i would have if this where to take place a few days ago. then go on with my proposition and apologize for the way i was and tell her that i realize what i've been doing wrong this entire time and that we should go through with what she said on the letter. But im just worried that taking a break will only serve as a detriment to all of this and what if we don't see it through to the other side when we are old?
B) exactly the same thing except i stop her and i talk FIRST, then ask her, "so what where you going to say?"
I have prepared myself, i am not going to be surprised if she says she wants to break up or take an emergency break or whatever the heck she is going to say, i just want her to know that i realize what i have done and how I've been acting these past months, I've come to a HUGE realisation. Is this the right thing to do? i Truly want a life with this amazing woman, she is extremely mature, intelligent, she is going to be a great mother, shes a terrific woman and i value her happiness more than my own, she means the world to me. i don't want to lose her, that's why im scared of this break, i don't want it to happen. but at the same time i want her to go on, to focus on school and all that is important, but i can;t understand why me being in her life wouldn't be a plus for her? i feel like i'd encourage her and provide support from across the world, i don;t want to demand time from her to do other things, i simply want to help her and make her life better in every possible way.
since she left, we talked like a fully functioning couple and life was at a peak, i could do anything. Then, it started slipping a few weeks in... university started to take over for her, she had assignments and lab reports coming out of her skull (Pre-med, aspiring doctor) i beleived her, however one thing didnt change, she still told me how much she loved me and that her feelings wherent any different. On valentines day she received a letter from me stating everything that i want in the relationship, where i want to go in the future, how i feel about her, just everything.... Her response to that was "im writing you back", so i quickly just re-asked what i said in the letter about her wanting the same thing and do you feel the same way? to which she replied "I guess youll find out in 2 weeks, im writing you back". And ever since then ive been living in this really sad, confused state of uncertainty, because i don't want to bother her with the plan for our relationship since the answer is coming in a letter and she is, again, EXTREMELY busy with her school, like unbeleivably. So i went through probably the saddest 2 weeks of my life until i got the letter today. It was everything i hoped for... it layed out how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, that she "knows who she wants to come home to every day when i'm older" and "I know we are meant to be together", for the sake of my crappy explanation, here is word for word, literally exactly what is written:
"Josh,
here is everything that has been on my mind beside cyclohexane and stereoisomers (to do with her UNI), Life sucks. sometimes it feels impossible. Often the things we want are not feasible. Feelings are things you can easily move from person to person like an object.
Bulls***
If you really want something, make it possible. Feelings arent easily ignored because its like running from yourself. People dont have an emotional on/off switch.
I love you
These aren't three words i take lightly and i've always meant them when ive said them to you - i will always mean them when i say them to you
so, now what?
I have no idea what the right thing to do is, Sandra (her therapist/family friend who she trusts with her life) says we should take a break and do our own thing. This is hard for my heart to understand because it is flooded with emotion. My head knows this is probably the best solution.
The future
I see myself with you, living with you in 20 years. The path it takes to get us to where i know we are meant to be is irrelevant, so long as the end result is us together.
I know
I know we are meant to be together
I know its going to be a rocky path
I know i dont have much time to put into a long distance relationship
I know who i want to come home to at the end of the day when im older
I know im in love with you.
It's going to be ok
Maybe it's not ok right now, but WE will work it out eventually. Give it time, enjoy your freedom! Youth - there is plenty of time to be old and committed later. Everything will find a way to work itself out. I miss you. With love, Ale"
"the path it takes to get us where i know we are meant to be is irrelevant so long as the end result is us together"...
This was like 2 weeks back, and i skyped her the afternoon i got that letter and expressed my joy and agreed with her on pretty much everything, i think she thought that that was the solution and wrapped up the conversation, but i let her know i still seemed...off... She said, ill talk to you, i have to go. I honestly agreed with everything except the fact about taking a break. i didn't want to, i wasn't the one who had a college life with friends all around and a career ahead of me, i enjoyed talking to her every second of the day, i enjoyed telling everyone about her, i enjoyed thinking about a life together. I didn't want this 'break' but i wanted everything else she said. I know she means it.
I could tell she was trying to slowly transverse into this 'break' period, the communication was almost non existent for a week after that, only replied "me too" when i told her i loved her. then, a day before her spring break, i sent her another damn paragraph kind of like my letter to her stating my feelings and wants and needs. she said "im going to read over it and call you after spring break" this was 10th of march, the following day, her snapchat story was her at a club filming the room of people dancing and then a picture of her taking a selfie with some guy standing behind her, not holding her, just leaning behind her. My heart sank when i saw it, i swear i actually went deaf for a few seconds, i had that horrible feeling in my stomach, i couldnt breathe. i literally couldn't breathe for a solid 5 seconds. I was in a state of shock and panic for a solid hour and then i started to convince myself that i was over thinking it. I stupidly sent her a passive aggressive message stating that, "look maybe this isnt the best thing for you... you're at a time in your life where you're better off dancing with guys in loose shirts with long hair at clubs (yes, reffering to the guy in the snapchat subtly) blah blah. She didn;t see the message for a few days and replied then, saying "lets please talk about this later" I was pretty good, i tried to let her have her time, even though how heartbreaking it was for me not talking to her, i knew if i tried it would do no good. But i also felt like she thought i didn;t care... it is now the 19th there and during the whole 9 days'ish, i talked to her twice, about 4 days ago i said "i love you", she saw, and never replied. few days later i asked her when she got back and she said "tommorrow night", i replied "i miss you, these past few weeks have been the hardest of my life" (which they where...) she replied "im sorry you feel that way, i cant deal with this right now", i said neither can i, but youll like what i have to say i promise, and then bang.... she said " i don't think you'll like what i have to say" yeah....that shook me to the core...it was followed by her saying we can skype Sunday which is tomorrow for her and that she needs to go to sleep, she leaves for back to college. I just ignored it for 5 minutes and then STUPIDLY said, "do you still love me?" (she replied in the morning saying "this is not a conversation i am willing to have right now, i havent talked to her since)
And that's my problem guys... this is where my question is. I was so consumed by her, i let her control my entire life, my happiness. Every little thing she did or said had a direct affect on my happiness and it wasn't good, i was being an annoying, overly attached mess, i was obsessed with her. when i got that letter from her i should have left it there, but i couldn't, there was one key thing i failed to realize, that i only discovered last night. I need to be happy on my own, regardless of her, i need to have my own goals and happiness in place for her to add too. I stayed up all night just thinking oh s*** what have i done.... i've ruined it, i see what i've done wrong now and i know what i need to say to her but i've ruined it. I stayed up all night thinking about my life and her and i have to say i felt ALOT better, i've figured it out and now this whole ordeal doesn't seem as shocking. You see, i now have aspirations and a plan in place for the next year, but ultimately, i want to build a career and move over there with her and have a life with her in the long term. It's what i want to do, i truly think that's the best option for me. The problem is now though, have i ruined things between us? is it too late? can i still fix this?
i have 2 plans when i skype her tommorrow:
A) i let her talk FIRST, i encourage her to say what she wants to say (most likely say she wants to take this break now, or break up even), then act mature and agree with her and not like i would have if this where to take place a few days ago. then go on with my proposition and apologize for the way i was and tell her that i realize what i've been doing wrong this entire time and that we should go through with what she said on the letter. But im just worried that taking a break will only serve as a detriment to all of this and what if we don't see it through to the other side when we are old?
B) exactly the same thing except i stop her and i talk FIRST, then ask her, "so what where you going to say?"
I have prepared myself, i am not going to be surprised if she says she wants to break up or take an emergency break or whatever the heck she is going to say, i just want her to know that i realize what i have done and how I've been acting these past months, I've come to a HUGE realisation. Is this the right thing to do? i Truly want a life with this amazing woman, she is extremely mature, intelligent, she is going to be a great mother, shes a terrific woman and i value her happiness more than my own, she means the world to me. i don't want to lose her, that's why im scared of this break, i don't want it to happen. but at the same time i want her to go on, to focus on school and all that is important, but i can;t understand why me being in her life wouldn't be a plus for her? i feel like i'd encourage her and provide support from across the world, i don;t want to demand time from her to do other things, i simply want to help her and make her life better in every possible way.
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