So this is clearly my first time on this forum, but since my fiance and I have been running into a few bumps lately, I figured this place would help save our relationship. One suggestion was to tell the story, and though I've told the story many times, I still get butterflies.
I'll begin with a bit of background on my end.
I come from a poor, conservative, religious family, me being the youngest of 3 older brothers. Since I was little, I've had major daddy issues, considering my biological father left my mother and her kids out on the streets. When I was 12 I found out he used to verbally abuse my mother and keep her away from family and friends. Today he still remains the same person, a liar too, only he pays child support directly to me. My step-father isn't all that better either. Despite him having given me a lot of things when I was younger, his new found addiction of drinking himself senseless is bothersome. I'm to the point of avoiding him at all costs.
In this case, this caused me to ultimately rebel against my parents. I was never allowed to dye my hair, get any piercings, or do anything with my own body without them approving it. I wasn't allowed to change my hairstyle until I was 16, let alone where any make up (I had bad acne when I was 16 due to stress, and I wasn't allowed ANY cover up make up). We also moved around a lot when I was younger, so now having stayed in the same place for 7 years now, my parents are well known people in this small town community we live in currently. They said it'd be an embarrassment if I were to dye my hair blue, or get the lip piercings I want, or any tattoos. I still blame my family for my poor self image I have of myself. I've been on so many diets since I was 12. This is a small town, and sports are a major thing. Problem is, I don't do sports.
So among all these skinny, fit people that have been doing sports since they were little, came me, the little chubby girl everyone wanted to pick on.
As you could tell, middle school was a very rough time. I used to starve myself, cut myself, anything you could think of. I was very very unhappy here in this town. Even now as I drive by the middle school building, I get chills. I'm a suicide survivor. I attempted 3 times, ending up in the hospital each time. I did get the help I needed however, since it made my family realize just how much I was going through at the time. Went to see a therapist, combined with the anti-depressants, and it did help.
But this spawned my poor decision making and my twisted view of what a boyfriend was supposed to be. Before my current fiance, I had a long string of boyfriends that cheated on me, broke my heart, all those things...
My view was that I was supposed to do all the work in the relationship. Provide the presents, engage the conversations, ect. And yet at the same time, I was supposed to keep my mouth shut about my feelings and how I felt about anything. That changed when I met Brock. Now, I had been in a LDR before my current fiance, and this was the one with Brock. Brock lived in Canada, in which the border is only 200 miles away from here. He was one of those assholes that had a soft side.
He was also an advid drug user.
Being the girl I am, I sympathized and wanted to help my friend. He ended up asking me out, and I did the worst thing anyone could do. I said yes out of pity.
Over the course of our relationship, the drugs still came up as a constant issue that he never fixed. I always let it slide. At this time, I had a group of friends on Final Fantasy XIV, an MMORPG I frequently played, and I wanted them to meet my boyfriend because I want my boyfriend and my friends to like each other.
Boy that was a mistake. Brock and the 3 guys I was friends with butted heads and ended up not speaking to each other, and so my delusional self was torn between friends that I considered to be family and the boyfriend I loved. I didn't realize what I was suffering from until one of my good friends got extremely angry at Brock. This was one of those friends that hardly got angry at all. In fact, in that time, I had never seen him angry once before.
After his little outbreak with Brock, he messaged me and talked me through it because at that point I was in tears. This friend of mine had 2 young daughters of his own, and would hate to see them go through what I went through with Brock.
Ultimately, the drugs ended my relationship with Brock. I was sick and tired of him not trying anymore.
My group of friends consisted of 3 guys, all older than me, but all very fun to be with and I felt like I had a place in the world for once. During my hardhships during the same time all this happened, I was becoming a lot closer to specifically one of my close friends.
His name was Nate and he lived in England. I used to get a kick out of his accent, since he was about the only British person I talked to on TeamSpeak. It turned out that Nate and I had a ton more in common than we ever expected, down to the same favorite food. I got to learn a lot about Nate when I talked with him.
He was 24 at the time, living with his young son who is Autistic, while he himself had Panic Disorder and was taking medication for it. Obviously my sympathy kicked in once more and I wanted to help him the best I could. I ended up falling head over heels, face first on the concrete, for him.Whenever I played with him on Final Fantasy XIV and spoke to him on TeamSpeak, I always got butterflies and I stuttered a lot. I admired all the little things he did, even the small things he would do for me too, like stand up for me.
I guess you could say I accidentally confessed to him, but it was one of those good accidents. I remember the night well.
Him and I had been playing Final Fantasy XIV for most of the night, laughing about stupid things on TeamSpeak. We had just logged off and were talking on Kakao Talk (A highly suggested app. Free text, and Free calling over internet.) I knew I forgot to say something to him, and told him that I did. When he asked me what it was that I forgot to tell him, I all of a sudden forgot. I'm sitting there rapidly thinking of what it was supposed to be and realized, this was better than any chance I will ever get. I confessed that I really fell for him, and tried to deny it myself to save the pain of rejection.
But I wasn't rejected, only reflected. He said he began having feelings for me as well.
This was the start of something beautiful and wonderful.
The week later, we got married in Final Fantasy XIV and on that wedding night, we decided that we would confess any and all feeling right then and there. Shaky voices and all, that had to have been the very best night of my life.
This started the 6 hour conversations every night, the lovey dovey voices, but also the tears and the struggles that we would soon face. My past plays a major role in our relationship, since I tend to relapse a few times and go back to old ways of relieving my pain by inflicting it on myself. I had my doubts all lined up, ready to defend my heart of steel. Having been hurt so many times, Nate had so many walls to break down.
The man has such a kind heart. He's so accepting of me and who I really am, and thats what love really is. Not me being the slave of the relationship or being manipulated. Nate has shown many times that he deserves my love. And even now, when our skype calls are limited to 2 hours, and our conversations are cut short by either school or a kid crying, we're wanting to make this one work. We've had our problems in which our relationship was tested, and so far we've made it through every single one.
We want to close the gap in September or November. I go visit him for a month and we have our time together before I come back here to the states. From then on, we'll be working towards my citizenship and getting me over there for good. Currently, I'm taking psychology classes, to help me better understand Panic disorder, and especially Autism now that I will be a step - mother to a severely autistic child. I have my fears with this little kid, whether he'll like me or not and so on, but all the same, I'll love him like my own, seeing as I can't have kids for myself due to PCOS. If I tried, it'd be difficult to.
But now Nate and I are happily engaged, and I brag about him whenever I get the chance to, to the point of annoying my friends. I find that to be a good thing, since Nate has been the best thing in my life so far. I feel, that I have never felt happiness until now. For some reason, I meet the best people online, they just have to be so far away. In this case, I met the love of my life, he's just a pond skip away though.
I joined this site to maybe help relieve the strain of everyday life getting in the way of our communication. I have a feeling it will really help us, since he has joined this site as well. We want to make this work. But to start, I must put everything on the table so I can work with it, so here it all is.
I'll begin with a bit of background on my end.
I come from a poor, conservative, religious family, me being the youngest of 3 older brothers. Since I was little, I've had major daddy issues, considering my biological father left my mother and her kids out on the streets. When I was 12 I found out he used to verbally abuse my mother and keep her away from family and friends. Today he still remains the same person, a liar too, only he pays child support directly to me. My step-father isn't all that better either. Despite him having given me a lot of things when I was younger, his new found addiction of drinking himself senseless is bothersome. I'm to the point of avoiding him at all costs.
In this case, this caused me to ultimately rebel against my parents. I was never allowed to dye my hair, get any piercings, or do anything with my own body without them approving it. I wasn't allowed to change my hairstyle until I was 16, let alone where any make up (I had bad acne when I was 16 due to stress, and I wasn't allowed ANY cover up make up). We also moved around a lot when I was younger, so now having stayed in the same place for 7 years now, my parents are well known people in this small town community we live in currently. They said it'd be an embarrassment if I were to dye my hair blue, or get the lip piercings I want, or any tattoos. I still blame my family for my poor self image I have of myself. I've been on so many diets since I was 12. This is a small town, and sports are a major thing. Problem is, I don't do sports.
So among all these skinny, fit people that have been doing sports since they were little, came me, the little chubby girl everyone wanted to pick on.
As you could tell, middle school was a very rough time. I used to starve myself, cut myself, anything you could think of. I was very very unhappy here in this town. Even now as I drive by the middle school building, I get chills. I'm a suicide survivor. I attempted 3 times, ending up in the hospital each time. I did get the help I needed however, since it made my family realize just how much I was going through at the time. Went to see a therapist, combined with the anti-depressants, and it did help.
But this spawned my poor decision making and my twisted view of what a boyfriend was supposed to be. Before my current fiance, I had a long string of boyfriends that cheated on me, broke my heart, all those things...
My view was that I was supposed to do all the work in the relationship. Provide the presents, engage the conversations, ect. And yet at the same time, I was supposed to keep my mouth shut about my feelings and how I felt about anything. That changed when I met Brock. Now, I had been in a LDR before my current fiance, and this was the one with Brock. Brock lived in Canada, in which the border is only 200 miles away from here. He was one of those assholes that had a soft side.
He was also an advid drug user.
Being the girl I am, I sympathized and wanted to help my friend. He ended up asking me out, and I did the worst thing anyone could do. I said yes out of pity.
Over the course of our relationship, the drugs still came up as a constant issue that he never fixed. I always let it slide. At this time, I had a group of friends on Final Fantasy XIV, an MMORPG I frequently played, and I wanted them to meet my boyfriend because I want my boyfriend and my friends to like each other.
Boy that was a mistake. Brock and the 3 guys I was friends with butted heads and ended up not speaking to each other, and so my delusional self was torn between friends that I considered to be family and the boyfriend I loved. I didn't realize what I was suffering from until one of my good friends got extremely angry at Brock. This was one of those friends that hardly got angry at all. In fact, in that time, I had never seen him angry once before.
After his little outbreak with Brock, he messaged me and talked me through it because at that point I was in tears. This friend of mine had 2 young daughters of his own, and would hate to see them go through what I went through with Brock.
Ultimately, the drugs ended my relationship with Brock. I was sick and tired of him not trying anymore.
My group of friends consisted of 3 guys, all older than me, but all very fun to be with and I felt like I had a place in the world for once. During my hardhships during the same time all this happened, I was becoming a lot closer to specifically one of my close friends.
His name was Nate and he lived in England. I used to get a kick out of his accent, since he was about the only British person I talked to on TeamSpeak. It turned out that Nate and I had a ton more in common than we ever expected, down to the same favorite food. I got to learn a lot about Nate when I talked with him.
He was 24 at the time, living with his young son who is Autistic, while he himself had Panic Disorder and was taking medication for it. Obviously my sympathy kicked in once more and I wanted to help him the best I could. I ended up falling head over heels, face first on the concrete, for him.Whenever I played with him on Final Fantasy XIV and spoke to him on TeamSpeak, I always got butterflies and I stuttered a lot. I admired all the little things he did, even the small things he would do for me too, like stand up for me.
I guess you could say I accidentally confessed to him, but it was one of those good accidents. I remember the night well.
Him and I had been playing Final Fantasy XIV for most of the night, laughing about stupid things on TeamSpeak. We had just logged off and were talking on Kakao Talk (A highly suggested app. Free text, and Free calling over internet.) I knew I forgot to say something to him, and told him that I did. When he asked me what it was that I forgot to tell him, I all of a sudden forgot. I'm sitting there rapidly thinking of what it was supposed to be and realized, this was better than any chance I will ever get. I confessed that I really fell for him, and tried to deny it myself to save the pain of rejection.
But I wasn't rejected, only reflected. He said he began having feelings for me as well.
This was the start of something beautiful and wonderful.
The week later, we got married in Final Fantasy XIV and on that wedding night, we decided that we would confess any and all feeling right then and there. Shaky voices and all, that had to have been the very best night of my life.
This started the 6 hour conversations every night, the lovey dovey voices, but also the tears and the struggles that we would soon face. My past plays a major role in our relationship, since I tend to relapse a few times and go back to old ways of relieving my pain by inflicting it on myself. I had my doubts all lined up, ready to defend my heart of steel. Having been hurt so many times, Nate had so many walls to break down.
The man has such a kind heart. He's so accepting of me and who I really am, and thats what love really is. Not me being the slave of the relationship or being manipulated. Nate has shown many times that he deserves my love. And even now, when our skype calls are limited to 2 hours, and our conversations are cut short by either school or a kid crying, we're wanting to make this one work. We've had our problems in which our relationship was tested, and so far we've made it through every single one.
We want to close the gap in September or November. I go visit him for a month and we have our time together before I come back here to the states. From then on, we'll be working towards my citizenship and getting me over there for good. Currently, I'm taking psychology classes, to help me better understand Panic disorder, and especially Autism now that I will be a step - mother to a severely autistic child. I have my fears with this little kid, whether he'll like me or not and so on, but all the same, I'll love him like my own, seeing as I can't have kids for myself due to PCOS. If I tried, it'd be difficult to.
But now Nate and I are happily engaged, and I brag about him whenever I get the chance to, to the point of annoying my friends. I find that to be a good thing, since Nate has been the best thing in my life so far. I feel, that I have never felt happiness until now. For some reason, I meet the best people online, they just have to be so far away. In this case, I met the love of my life, he's just a pond skip away though.
I joined this site to maybe help relieve the strain of everyday life getting in the way of our communication. I have a feeling it will really help us, since he has joined this site as well. We want to make this work. But to start, I must put everything on the table so I can work with it, so here it all is.
. Also, I was able o get pregnant with PCOS.. See a dr and get on metformin. It does wonders for that!
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