It gave this after 4month relationship: please advise ?

[horsay]

Dear members,

I am quite new to this forum. I am desperate to find an advice. So, here is my case:
I met a girl about 4 months ago through a dating site. We are 8000 miles appart and we haven't seen each other so far. The reason we kept the relation this long is that we have a surprisingly perfect match and understanding of eachother. We reached to the level that we share a lot details about each other. Early in our relationship, I noticed that the girl is highly gabelous and she wants to talk to me the maximum possible. We talk almost everyday for hours, non-stop. We always find a topic or create one on the fly without bothering about what to talk.

Since about a few weeks, about three weeks or so, I started to notice a couple of things which caught my attention even if I try to see how things evolve over time. Here is what I noticed:

- About three weeks ago, she said she has trouble with her phone and have to change it (ok, that's not a big deal)
- Two consecutive weeks, she was absent for our regular meeting time, saying she was out with a family. Even once, she had to join her "best" friends. Then, she joins viber late
- During day time, since a few days, she takes time to respond to message, even if I saw she was on and offline.
- About a week ago, she changed her viber account, creating a new one. The old number is not connected to viber but find it a bit strange why she is doing that. I know also that she has at least two numbers (maybe three??)
- She come up with some excuse when she joins late

- We had planed a period when we can meet. She was pushing hard on that to happen. As of recently, she says she is not sure but she wants me to come. Life is "empty" without me bla bla

What I am in min now is that she might have started another project in parallel...and probably to keep me as a backup

I shut her down as of now and am getting somehow angry about the time I spoiled.

So, my question:

- would you advise me to write her off once and for all?
- how you guys develop trust in such a situation?
- Is there any advice to offer?


In case she is honest (though the indications mentioned above hinted otherwise), I fear at the same time not to screw it up. It is rare to meet someone with whom whe share a wide range of interests, understand eachother and plan things together. But then, can people (a girl in my case) going to that level and be a player ???

Many thanks for your time, attention, and any advice you may offer.

[sasad]

Have you guys spoken in person? Skyped at all? Have you physically seen and or talked to her?
Although communications do change in relationships, that she does miss meetings, AND has changed her numbers AND has multiple accounts, does send up some flags. I would be leery of that type of stuff for sure.
You said she doesn't want to meet up now? And what is her excuse for that?
Yes, girls can be players as well as boys. I think you just need to be upfront and ask her directly what is going on. Try not to accuse, but rather state it as "I feel..." and not "You make me feel..."
Personally, if you haven't met on Skype yet, she changes numbers and has excuses, then I would worry.

Best of luck.

[horsay]

Have you guys spoken in person? Skyped at all? Have you physically seen and or talked to her?
Although communications do change in relationships, that she does miss meetings, AND has changed her numbers AND has multiple accounts, does send up some flags. I would be leery of that type of stuff for sure.
You said she doesn't want to meet up now? And what is her excuse for that?
Yes, girls can be players as well as boys. I think you just need to be upfront and ask her directly what is going on. Try not to accuse, but rather state it as "I feel..." and not "You make me feel..."
Personally, if you haven't met on Skype yet, she changes numbers and has excuses, then I would worry.

Best of luck.

Dear Sasad,

I thank you for your reply and advice:
her reason for not meeting up now is that her office work plan has changed due to unexpected work loads. So, she wouldn't be able to take a leave as she wished at the beginning. When I asked when that could be possible, she says she doesn't know. But at the same time, she says, she can be available on weekends but would not be able to take a leave. I can trust on the fact that work schedule can change out of her control but whats troubling me is that the girl who was always excited to talk to suddenly calmed down and changing. By the way, she had even talked about her desire for marriage with me, that she mentioned it even during this troublesome development.

I am considering to be upfront. Should I raise all the points I raised above and ask her if there is something going on on her side? or simply close ties without any notice at all?

[sasad]

Have you ever skyped and seen each other in person? I do think mentioning marriage after 4 months and never meeting is a little fast... Do either of you have children involved?
I do understand how workloads can change. Where would you stay if you went to visit her?

Its always better to be upfront. Just don't accuse.

[horsay]

Have you ever skyped and seen each other in person? I do think mentioning marriage after 4 months and never meeting is a little fast... Do either of you have children involved?
I do understand how workloads can change. Where would you stay if you went to visit her?

Its always better to be upfront. Just don't accuse.

No we have not skyped yet; only viber and photo exchanges. The reason for not having skype is that transmission is poor from her side. I have children, she doesn't. She told me that doesn't bother her and would be happy to have one or so with me. When I visit her, we are supposed to stay in hotel.

[sasad]

I think you all should talk and Skype. first. Have you voice talked?
Just curious, why a hotel?
Also, never doubt your gut feelings... And like I said, I am a little concerned about how fast she is moving without ever having a face to face..

[horsay]

I think you all should talk and Skype. first. Have you voice talked?
Just curious, why a hotel?
Also, never doubt your gut feelings... And like I said, I am a little concerned about how fast she is moving without ever having a face to face..

We do voice talk almost every day. But we haven't have video chat. The hotel idea is because I don't have a family there and she is still living with her family. It seemed like she is not supposed to receive me in her house.

I really did trust her over the last couple of months and even I closed the online account as per her request to do so. I haven't had any other parallel project or backup plan because I thought that she is the right person that I consider for a long term relationship

I haven't responded to her for a day now and I was hesitating whether I should stay away. My concern to bring the issue up is whether she finds me like a needy guy and goes away with that in mind (if she has a parallel project). How I would then talk to her and bring this issue up without showing her that I won't be concerned about the relationship if she breaches the trust I had put on her?

[sasad]

I understand.... how old is she? Will you meet her family at all ?

What account did you close?? And did she do the same ? If it is a dating site and you have had the exclusive talk, then you both should not be there.

Again, if you are both together, then she should not have a backup. That is plain and simply silly.. If she wants to make this work, then she also needs to be open and honest and communicate with you. You do seem to have some hesitation. As does she, so maybe give it a little more time. I still think she needs to find a place where you can Skype. I think it would be better if you both had a face to face.

There is nothing wrong with asking questions. It is how you ask them. Has she been back in touch with you in the last day?

[snow]

Anyone who has been in a relationship, will tell you that the first months are filled with making time for each other, because you want to be with that person non-stop, talk to them, share your life with them - so you chitchat all the time. As time goes on and you feel more comfortable with each other, you return to spending time with family and friends, because you most likely neglected them because you've found someone you needed to give all of your attention.

So to me, granted, I am not in your situation and only know what you present, it just seems that she's catching up with her friends and family, because you'll be there at the end of the day.
I do think she should have told you if that was the case, so you don't wait on her, but that's something you should discuss not ignore each other.

Your way of acting is very immature and I honestly can't believe you are 46. If you want to know what is going on, talk to her, there is no other way to figure things out. Talk to her, respond to her and stop playing mind games.

[horsay]

I understand.... how old is she? Will you meet her family at all ?

What account did you close?? And did she do the same ? If it is a dating site and you have had the exclusive talk, then you both should not be there.

Again, if you are both together, then she should not have a backup. That is plain and simply silly.. If she wants to make this work, then she also needs to be open and honest and communicate with you. You do seem to have some hesitation. As does she, so maybe give it a little more time. I still think she needs to find a place where you can Skype. I think it would be better if you both had a face to face.

There is nothing wrong with asking questions. It is how you ask them. Has she been back in touch with you in the last day?

She is around 33. She used to say that she would show me some of her family. She sent me photos of some of them. I did close the dating account where we met. She said she is out from the site by the time she asked me to close. But I didn't try to check and didn't ask her specifically if she did close it. I just closed mine and told her its done.

It was understood that we are together to move forward. For that reason and as we were speaking almost daily, I hadn't raised a doubt till I noticed the irregularities I mentioned above. In the near past, it even seemed that she keep open her viber to get in touch as soon as I read her message. As of a week or so, she reads my message and doesn't respond for two to three hours. But I notice also that she goes on and offline. Of course, she comes by herself at a later time. But the things I observe give me the impression that she's on something other option. She systematically jumps the time we were supposed to talk. I feel a little bit now that I spoiled my time and didn let go any other opportunities to meet.

If I start raising the issue, I may talk hard and cold, which means I may break it off. I wish she's honest and could keep her. But, if she's not, maybe she could make much damage in the future. We made one day without contact. I didn't respond to her hello text.

[Carol]

Snow said it all.

You really have to talk to her and hear her side of the story. The fact that you just ignore her is immature.

And I agree with you in one thing: if you keep ignoring her and then just inform her that you think she cheats and it is not true, you can lose her. Be careful about false accusations.

Trust me, everything is possible, even if you find it impossible.

[horsay]

Snow said it all.

You really have to talk to her and hear her side of the story. The fact that you just ignore her is immature.

And I agree with you in one thing: if you keep ignoring her and then just inform her that you think she cheats and it is not true, you can lose her. Be careful about false accusations.

Trust me, everything is possible, even if you find it impossible.

Thanks Carol. My biais is that, if talk to her I could be cold and things may turn wrong. That is my weak point. Either I keep things in my heart without saying anything and keep moving (if that is possible) as if I didn't notice anything and then see where that it takes or speak up now? How can I make my approach. Yes, I can't be sure that she is doing something wrong. Just a suspicion based on what I noticed.

[sasad]

You are suspicious because she doesn't text you back right away?? That is being a bit unreasonable. We all have a life and don't st looking at our phones. That is not enough or fair to accuse her of having another boyfriend at all.
I do again, think a face to face needs to happen if you are moving forward... Pictures don't always prove who you are,.

[snow]

Yet nothing that you tell us makes it seem like she's cheating, in fact, it all matches up perfectly:

She is busy with work, so busy that she cannot take time off to meet you, which basically means, she has so much to do that she cannot respond to text messages during the day. She might find a second to read them, but she has no time to respond, but she comes back to it later when she does have time. Nothing out of the ordinary here.

If you think it's weird, ask her if there's something going on in her life. Ask her if she's really busy at work, ask her if there is anything that needs her attention, because you noticed that she seems to be busier.

The more you just sit there and assume things, the worse she's going to get in your mind. Ask her! Talk to her! You're a grown man, you're not a teenager, get in there and talk if you want this relationship to work. If you don't, then go ahead and ignore her messages and call it a day. It's really up to you.

[horsay]

Thanks Snow, Sasad, Carol,
thank you all for the valuable advice. I will talk to her, ask her if her schedule is changing ... and, if that is the case, if we can arrange things that best match with her new schedule.