Struggling with anxieties

[Joshrobertsss]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post on here so not sure if I'm in the right place or anything, but I am struggling with something and kind of just want answers and opinions.

My SO and I met in July last year at a summer camp we both work at (both 22 years old). Its an amazing relationship, we love each other very much. We went from early September til mid-December without seeing each other. I went to visit her in Canada where she was working for 3 weeks over Christmas. It was amazing. She then came back to England in February and I saw her for a couple of weeks then. She then went to work in France. I've been out to visit her once already for a week, and have booked to go again at the end of the May, before we both go back to America together to work in the camp we met at again.

The problem is this. The relationship is wonderful, don't get me wrong. Obviously the distance is very tough, and it gets harder and harder after every time I visit her. But she makes me feel wonderful day-to-day, and I've never felt more loved by someone, so it's just a case of counting down until the next time I see her. Here is the issue. I get super super anxious when she goes away for the weekend. She works as an au-pair, so during the week when she's with the family she works with, its fine. I feel no anxiety, apart from being apprehensive about the next weekend she goes away because I know I will be irrationally anxious about what she is doing and where she is. We've had multiple conversations about it, and I've tried to find the source of the problem. I do not think she will cheat on me. I know she won't. That is not in her DNA to do that to me, I trust that much of her. However, the previous two relationships I've been in, although not as serious as this one, both have ended in the girl cheating on me. I also lost my father to alcoholism in 2011, so I think that plays a part in my innate, irrational trust issues.

My question is why do I feel this way? At times, I get very anxious when she is out. She is not very good at keeping communication, at least by my definition she doesn't. She will send me a couple of messages an hour, and I know it seems pathetic that I don't deem that sufficient but I'm sorry, I don't. I wish I did. I wish I could distract myself and be okay with one message every couple of hours from her but I can't. I think it's because I miss her so much. I just want to be with her, and frankly I'm jealous of the people who have her company.

As I mentioned before, she knows I feel this way, but even still she struggles with replying. She's openly said that she sucks at it. And she does. But why can't I accept this? Why am I still so anxious, even times like now where she's inside, having a quiet night in, drinking wine and eating chocolate with her girl friends in the city she works in, I'm STILL anxious. This frustrates me greatly, and only adds to my overthinking process. I'm first to admit and realise that this is my fault. I just don't know how to stop this. I trust her. I don't think she will do anything with another person. I think thats the LAST thing she would ever do. But I am still anxious when she does out. I'm convinced it stems from a couple of things:

1. I miss her a great deal
2. I am jealous of the people she is with because I want to be with her
3. I am insecure because of what has happened to me in the past.

At the moment, my feelings aren't making her upset generally. Yeah we talk about it and she gets a little frustrated and stuff like that but I am equally as frustrated that I am feeling like this. The last thing I think I am doing is pushing her away but (as if I wasn't worrying enough) I am worried that I will ultimately push her away.

What do you guys think? Do you agree that I am being completely irrational? Has anyone else experienced something like this when in an LDR? Its bothering me a great deal that I can't accept her going out etc. FYI she feels the same when I go out. I know this is an immature thing in a relationship, and I very much want to eradicate it quickly.

Thanks a lot

Josh

[R&R]

First, welcome to LFAD.

In answer to your question: yes, you are being irrational. Even though you are a part of a couple, each of you is an individual. You were before you met and you still are. It is important to maintain your individuality when you are in a relationship. It is also important that you keep up with things you like to do, such as spending time with friends and activities that don't involve the other party. This is true whether in a LDR or a CD relationship. It's perfectly okay to miss your SO. It's not ok to expect them to be available 24/7 or not have their own life because you are apart.


Experiences from our past teach us things. However, that can't be used as an excuse to hold the person you are with accountable for the actions of another person. Yes, I've been in relationships where the other party cheated. One was even my ex-husband who lived in the same house as me and came home to me every night. Would it be right of me to worry about my current SO cheating even if he showed no signs of it? No, because he is a different person than my ex-husband and that wouldn't be fair to him.

Maybe when you start having these thoughts, write it out in a journal or personal blog. "I'm anxious because I sent her a text and it's been an hour and she hasn't responded. Is it realistic of me to expect an answer right away? I know she is away and may not be where she can respond. My feelings for being upset are irrational."

[Joshrobertsss]

Thank you. I know its irrational, as I mentioned in my post it is just as frustrating for me as it must be for her. I know its irrational, I know its immature, and ultimately I know its stupid. And you are right, it is definitely unfair of me to hold her accountable for what has happened in the past, not that I think that is exactly what I'm doing but I understand your point.

I have never had a long-distance relationship before. Heck, I've never really had a serious relationship, and I know these feelings will be ultimately toxic if they're not suppressed. But I am incredibly emotionally dependent on this girl, so when she doesn't reply, it bothers me, and I know it shouldn't. I will perhaps start to write a blog. I'm perfectly open to trying new things to become a bit more at ease with this feeling. I'm ultimately just very sad that she isn't here, which I guess is normal in a long-distance relationship.

[R&R]

It is hard when your SO isn't in the same location as you. No one here is going to argue that. What is important is how you deal with that. I think that a lot of us find that maintaing our lives (work, friends, hobbies, etc) help to alleviate some of that dependency.

Building bonds with your SO is part of a healthy relationship. Being dependent on the other party for your happiness or emotional well-being is not healthy. I think working on doing things that you enjoy will help you to build back up some of your self-reliance and will in turn, make it easier to cope with the distance.

[HisLittleBear]

I wish I knew how to not feel jealous. I really do. I work on trusting him to no end though because he has no reason to cheat on me.

Just because my exes cheated doesn't mean this new guy will. He is NOT my exes. He is him.

I have a journal that I'm writing in to get my thoughts outta my brain. So instead of taking it to him, I get rid of the negativity.

[Joshrobertsss]

I guess there is no secret to it. Certain people don't get jealous at all and I envy them a lot because I wish I didn't feel this way, but unfortunately its not a quick fix, and is probably a broken gear in me that has been a long time in the making. I just wrote quite a hefty blog post about it to try and get it off my chest. It has helped somewhat but theres still an uneasy feeling I've got deep in my chest. It has got rid of some of the negativity though. I just miss her so much.

[sasad]

Missing someone is not bad.. Having it take over and dominate your life is... R & R made so many valid points and suggestions. You CANNOT rely on someone else to make you happy.
Its not a broken gear, but that you see its an issue, you are hallway there to fixing it.
What is it that makes you not trust her? Or are you jealous she is out and about?

Writing stuff down is great to help you understand yourself. Being irrational and dependent totally on someone else can and most likely will destroy a relationship.

Best of luck : )

[Joshrobertsss]

I feel like I do trust her. I think it is just something in my head that tells me to worry about it because of things that have happened to me before. I think it is more that I'm jealous of her being out and about like you said. Its very hard. I feel very unwell and get bad headaches when its like this. Struggling v much right now and just want her touch and a hug and to be told by her that she loves me and that it is okay and we are okay.

[HisLittleBear]

I feel like I do trust her. I think it is just something in my head that tells me to worry about it because of things that have happened to me before. I think it is more that I'm jealous of her being out and about like you said. Its very hard. I feel very unwell and get bad headaches when its like this. Struggling v much right now and just want her touch and a hug and to be told by her that she loves me and that it is okay and we are okay.

Find distractions. A game, friends, anything. For me, when I can't talk to my Bear, I talk to my FB friends, get on like 3 different chat sites, watch TV, play with my dog. Anything to distract myself. Color, read, whatever.

[Joshrobertsss]

I wrote a blog post, as suggested. Its a little long, but does give some extra details to how I'm feeling, for anyone feeling extra inclined to help. Also, me and the SO spoke tonight, about how I'm feeling. I think she feels a little helpless, but I've now made a conscious decision to talk to someone about it because its bothering me so much. I will not let it ruin my relationship. I am far too in love with this girl to let this get the best of us and break us apart.

Blog post:

Today is the day I try my upmost to suppress my feelings of irrational anxiety in my long-distance relationship with Kirsty. We met in July, and have since had to organise vacations to see each other as she's been galavanting around the world working as an au-pair, something that she had planned before we met. Our vacations together are magical. I appreciate them more than anything in the world, but especially on this stint away from her, it is becoming more and more difficult.*

Firstly, it should go without saying that even the most painful of feelings that I am having is nothing compared to what I would feel if I lost her for whatever reason. The hurt that I would experience were I to lose my best friend and soulmate would be excruciating and I'm confident that it would cascade me into a deep pit that would take the world to get me out of. Perhaps that is the idea that I should focus on, because if my anxieties don't stop, or if I don't learn how to deal with them in the near future, then I fear that it might drive her away from me.*

When did they begin, these feelings? In the period away from each other between September and December 2015, I felt nothing like what I am feeling now. Yes there were bad days where I felt as if the world was going to end because I missed her so much, but I spent most of my time during the day wondering how she was sleeping, because of the eight hour time difference. In a way, it was easier when she was asleep for the majority of the time I was awake, because I wouldn't be worried about where she was going or what she was doing. In fact, when she went out of an evening drinking, I would be asleep before she even left, so wouldn't experience the anxieties I feel now. She would wake me up with a call when I got back, or send me messages so that I knew she was okay when I woke up. But, I digress slightly...

Between January and February 2016, after our amazing 3-and-a-half-week vacation in Canada, it was more of the same. I was never anxious, unless she was going out, at which point I'd be sleeping regardless so it would find no way to bother me. She came home for three weeks, 2 of which I spent with her, meeting her family, which was an important thing to do because it made me properly realise that I was in a very serious relationship, something that I thought might scare me, but didn't. In fact, I loved it. I loved that I was in a serious relationship. I had been getting feelings of loneliness around the time I met her, almost as if it was destined to happen.*

The end of her home visit came around and she jetted off to France to, again, work as an au-pair but this time for a different family. The time zone was more normal now, as she was an hour ahead instead of eight behind. After a few weeks of being there, and a few weeks of perfect feelings between us, she met a group of friends (guys and girls) that all worked around the Valence area, that she met through one of the girls, who was an au-pair for the same family previously. It was then that she sort of rediscovered drinking and going out socialising, something that by and large I hadn't experienced when she was in Canada, because there wasn't all that much of a social life for her there.*

The first instance I remember feeling anxious was when she told me she was going on a road trip with her friend Olena (The Ukrainian) and two French guys they met there. Okay pause, two guys and two girls, there's already a bit of anxiety there for me. Its worth mentioning at this point that I trust this girl. Completely. I consciously trust her. I tell that to myself every day. I remember researching the different types of trust in a relationship, and read that one is where you*know*your SO will do something to hurt you. That wasn't the case. There was the circumstance where you*think*your SO will do something to hurt you. That wasn't the case either. The next type of trust was where you*hope*that your SO won't do anything to hurt you. This was more accurate. Of course I hoped that Kirsty wouldn't do anything to hurt me. I think that works both ways. And of course when I voiced my anxieties about this road trip to her, she assured me that that is why she told me in the first place, so that I would know about it, and didn't find out any other way, and so she could tell me categorically that nothing would happen. This reassured me a lot.*

It was on this trip though that I realised something about Kirsty. She*SUCKS*at messaging. Now, this may seem immature, but I have always been a messenger. I always have my phone on my person. Thats why I buy jeans with pockets. My phone is ALWAYS in my right front pocket. No where else. If it isn't there, its in my hand. An ex-girlfriend and I would message constantly. From the moment we woke up to the moment we slept. Always texting away to each other. I'd run up crazy phone bills back when I was on a 500 texts a month contract. So as mentioned, this may seem immature and a little pathetic, but I struggle when Kirsty doesn't message me.*"Where is she? Where is her phone? Who is she with? Who is she talking to? Why is she not talking to me? What is she doing that is more important than me?"*This is the start of my overthinking cycle. After this point I get a little mad, and confront her with one of these questions, to which she responds with an apology, but nothing changes, and we end up fighting about it. That is what happens every time in the end. We fight. I hate it, and I hate that I cause it, but thats what we do.

During the week, when she is staying at her family's home, it feels as though I am top of her list. Unless she is doing her job, by picking up the kids, or cooking for them, or bathing them, or putting them to bed, she is messaging me. I love this, because I am the first to admit that I live quite a boring and sedentary lifestyle. Lots of what I do involves me being in front of a computer editing videos, so my phone is always on my desk. I love getting messages from her. Its almost a comfort to hear my phone buzz when we're so far from each other. I've even set a custom ringtone for when she messages me that I've now become accustomed to knowing is her when it rings. I love it. And I look forward to our FaceTime calls every single night. I love them, too.*

But then she goes away for the weekend, and the days that I've been dreading since she got back from the last weekend away are here again.*Dreading*is a strong word, really. Apprehensive is probably more suited. Look, she is an extrovert. She is outgoing, social, and loves to communicate with people. She doesn't want to be the girl; who sits in the corner all night on her phone, and I don't want to push that on her because its not who she is, I know that. But good God, I wish she would just have her phone in front of her, on the bar table where she is sat with her friends drinking, and text me when it lights up.*

Yes, that is needy, but yes, that is me. That is who I am, and how I am. I cannot change that. I want to, but its tough. Anyway, lets fast forward a little. She goes on another trip with the same three people. This time they stay in their destination overnight. Of course she assures me that she is sleeping in the same bed as the girl she's with, and obviously I trust her and didn't think for a minute that she'd sleep in the same bed as one of the guys, because we know that that is completely unfair on the SO.

[Joshrobertsss]

Blog Post continued:

Anyway. I am in my usual very grumpy state because she hasn't been replying instantly all day (pathetic-sounding again, I know). I call her out on it, unfairly, and say that it doesn't seem like she cares that I am feeling sad and anxious. Cue probably the worst fight we've had. She tries to call me and I'm in a classic Josh state of "I just want to be on my own and not talk to*anybody." I answer my phone on about the fifth try from her, to hear her bawling, asking me "who the fuck do you think you are?" Okay, now my tail is firmly between my legs. I realise on this phone call that these feelings*are*totally irrational and unfair. We calm down, and everything is fine the next morning. That was one of the worst sleeps of my life because her is the final piece to my cycle of overthinking: I've now surely really pissed her off, on a permanent basis, because of my ridiculous feelings.*

She goes home, everything is fine. It's 21 days today until I leave for my next trip to France to see her. We'll be together for 3 weeks, before spending a couple of days in England away from each other, and then we fly to America to spend the summer together in the summer camp at which we met the previous year. I have a countdown until I see her again, and as it gets closer to the 29th May, every day goes slower and slower. But this weekend it causes more problems.*

She goes out on Thursday and sucks with messaging all day. Hey, she's with her friends, I know she shouldn't message me all day because its rude, but it bothers me anyway. So I go out on Thursday night and consciously don't reply to her messages. How spiteful of me. Yes, seriously, I know, how ridiculous of me to do that. It was an attempt at me trying to make her realise how much it sucks when you don't get replies. How when she was in on Thursday night, she sent me messages saying she was anxious, of course that made me feel guilty because I'd done it intentionally in a way. To make her realise that it bothers me. Anyway... Friday night, she goes out again, sucks at messaging again, and sends me messages saying she's downing water cus she's had too much to drink. I get funny about this too, because obviously I don't want to hear about how she can't control herself as she's had too much to drink, especially at a house party with so many guys. Do I watch too many films? Read too many articles that say what happens in these situations? Fuck yes I do. In my head something is telling me that she's going to get raped or something ridiculous, and I don't know for certain that she isn't going to because fuck, I don't know the first thing about the people she's with.*

That reminds me, a few weeks prior to this, she went out. Regular feelings of me being anxious, especially when one of the messages that she sends me, before failing to reply to my subsequent message for almost two hours, was her telling me that her and her friend were "going to some random guys' place."*Brilliant.*Of course, the next day I brought up her terrible wording of what she said. She understood, but fuck, did that make me uneasy. She was going to some random French guys place? Have you seen Taken? Jesus Christ. Yes that is worst-case scenario, but when I'm at home, in my room doing next to nothing apart from worrying about her and what she's doing, and she says something like that, what the hell am I supposed to think? She worries me. Sometimes I think intentionally. Anyway, she assured me, not that she needed to, but nothing happened. Until our FaceTime after the weekend when she told me that during that night, there was a very strange man at the random French guys house who, being quite drunk and obviously not being given the detail that she was not single, made a move for her, which resulted in a 'playful'*headlock, and kisses on the head. What the fuck, right? Now, fast-forward back to this Friday night......

So who at this party is going to be the super drunk guy that tries to make a move on my super extrovert, super drunk girlfriend and puts her in a headlock and kisses her head?*And why is she not replying when I text her.*Ladies and gentlemen, this is my overthinking process written down on a page. I hope this is giving you some kind of insight into my brain and how it works in situations like these. Of course, ultimately, nothing happened on this Friday night, apart from her having a hangover the next morning.*

That brings us to today. For whatever reason, her lack of replying always gets me on one day of the weekend more than any other. Almost as if its been building up and building up since the moment she leaves her house and it peaks at around Saturday's early evening. I am now grumpy. I am now at a point of taking it out on her. I talk to a friend about it, who warns me that if I'm not very careful, I will eventually push her away by feeling like this. We have spoken about my anxiety before, Kirsty and I. We have spoken about how her lack of messages bother me irrationally, and I have told her that I'm trying very hard to get better with dealing with it, as I am.*

As a matter of fact, I just got off the phone with her. She took a few minutes out of her evening, which was spent, much to my relief, having a quiet night in with her friends and watching a movie. No one could hurt her while she was inside watching a movie. She caught me up with the very basics of what happened in the weekend, and eventually we spoke about how I've been feeling today. I told her that I started to write a blog, because my anxiety and emotional dependency on her is unhealthy, for me and our relationship. I told her that yes, I can tell that she almost made a conscious effort to reply more to my messages this weekend than weekends prior. But is it enough? No. And that is how I know that I need to change.

It is not her fault. It is not even my fault. I theorise that my anxiety and need for persistent and perpetual communication comes down to three very straightforward elements. Firstly, I miss her a great deal. I am besotted with this girl. Infatuated and irrevocably in love with her. She means more to me than any other person in the world, and on my good days, she makes me the happiest person in the world, and the very best version of myself. I miss her endlessly when I'm not with her, which is becoming harder and harder to deal with after every time I leave her again, and we slip back into the long-distance texting and Skyping, that has now become our*normal. The second factor, is that, without any fault of either of us, I have innate struggles with trust. Yes, okay, I try to make the conscious decision that I trust her with everything I have. And I do, it goes back to what I was saying before. I do believe I trust her. However, previous two girlfriends and father issues have, I believe, given me this innate disability when it comes to trusting someone. I am conscious of hurt. Hurt hurts. I don't want to be hurt again. Its the worst. And there is always the worry that it*might*happen again. Finally, I am incredibly jealous of the people who get the gift of her company, while I am here struggling to be without her. I am trying to finish a degree. I am almost there. That is a huge weight on my shoulders that of course, probably isn't helping with my anxiety. But whilst doing this, I am always trying to organise the next trip with her just so I have something to count down towards. But some people see her face and enjoy her company every day. That is a factor of a long-distance relationship that I have never come to grips with.*

So there it is. Laid bear. My anxiety. I think I may have a disorder, but Google isn't a doctor, and by that it doesn't have any right to diagnose me with anxiety or depression or anything of the like. My friend described it as a vicious overthinking cycle. That is the best explanation for it. If you have read this far, then you've probably made a judgement on me already. I hate this feeling. I hate it, I promise you. I hate the fact that when my girlfriend goes out, I sit at home with anxious thoughts that just mount and mount, until I can't help but have a go at her about it, in a hope that she'll tell me it is okay and that she loves me. But no matter how bad this feeling gets sometimes, it's completely outweighed by how much I love her. I love this girl so very much, and it pains me to have to post 3,000 words on a blog to convince myself that my relationship doesn't need saving. It doesn't. I know it doesn't. We love each other, I need no more convincing of that fact. I just feel like this is weighing me down more than it should, and I want to stop it. Honestly, the writing has helped. I feel like the anxiety is pouring out of the tips of my fingers and onto the screen in front of me. I feel a little ashamed that I have to resort to this, but what else can I do but write about my problems with the hope that they won't continue?*

Post number one finished. I'll post whenever I feel this way, and hopefully this is the start of suppressing my anxieties to a point where I feel them no longer, or even better, use the memory of my anxiety to remind me of how much I love this girl.*

[differentcountries]

It you are this troubled by your thoughts, perhaps you should seek help for them? I noticed that you called it anxiety and not jealousy - have you thought about seeking out help from someone who is not her nor you?

[sasad]

I so see where you use jealousy and anxiety.. so perhaps it is a bit of both.
I would have serious anxiety if my daughter goes "and her friend were "going to some random guys' place." That would bother me quite a bit tbh. And you may have valid concerns about that. Something like that could end up wrong.. add to that a lack of communication would only cause your emotions to snowball.
I also would be a little upset if my SO was to hang out with his BF ( single and fee) and go away for the night with a couple of girls. Yes, I do trust him... its the others I would have a hard time with. So he wouldn't do that. Its just the way we both feel and we have discussed issues that could come up. Does her GF know about you? Does she contact you at all when she is with others? Again, that she mentions who she is with and what she is doing, makes her appear to be pretty open with you.

Otherwise, try to relax and live your life as well. Try to stop obsessing over every little thing. Maybe you all should set up specific times to talk etc. That way your stress would hopefully be less. Communicate with her and BOTH of you come up with a solution that will work for both of you. Try to go out do something that you want to do. Please live your life and talk to someone professional if you can

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I guess there is no secret to it. Certain people don't get jealous at all and I envy them a lot because I wish I didn't feel this way, but unfortunately its not a quick fix, and is probably a broken gear in me that has been a long time in the making. I just wrote quite a hefty blog post about it to try and get it off my chest. It has helped somewhat but theres still an uneasy feeling I've got deep in my chest. It has got rid of some of the negativity though. I just miss her so much.

Hello! So I'll be honest: I skimmed this, so I hope I'm not repeating what someone else said, but after I read this I knew I needed to say something. "Certain people don't get jealous at all". Here's the truth of it: most people get jealous. I for one definitely was and it was especially true when we went LD. I understand what you're talking about, but some where along the way, you have to just put all of your faith and trust in your SO. It's a learning curve and it comes with the building of a relationship and learning that they will never hurt you. Was I jealous when we first started dating? Absolutely! Was I still jealous a year in? Yup! Although it was starting to get better. Do I still get jealous now? Sometimes. The thing is that most people are jealous at one time or another, but when you love and trust your SO completely and they've shown you nothing but love and respect back that jealousy eases.

My suggestion to you is to gradually try to ease that feeling. Challenge yourself to only message her once every hour when she's with friends and then eventually to just check in after she's home safe and sound. Little things like that will help you. Remember that it takes time. Little stepping stones will help you!

[Katy_G]

I think I need help with something like this too.

I never thought I was the jealous type, to be honest---even if my close friends have warned me about my 'claws'. But I am starting to wonder now, really.

My partner is the sort who likes to venture out of the house on his days off, preferably in the company of a good friend or two. He lets me know who he's hanging out with, especially if it's any of his female friends/workmates. At first I was cool with it; after all I often go out too with my guy friends. We both make it a point to avoid situations like bar pick ups or 'singles night' when our friends are set on meeting other single friends.

However lately I can't help but feel a certain twinge even when he mentions ahead of time that he's meeting up with his friends. Part of it is because I know that I wish I was there with him. I always fear that someday he may feel that my connection with him isn't enough and he may prefer the company of someone nearer. I've let him know about this, he always tries to reassure me, but the anxiety is still there.

Help?