LDR PROBLEMS :(

[SallyR]

Hi all, I found myself here after googling so many site about my LDR problem.. wondering if anyones been in the same position or could advise me on things as this is all kinda new  anyway met this amazing guy last year, I live in the UK and he lives in the USA – I was on holidays and we fell for each other so said we’d try it out.. we’ve visited a few times, met each others families and fell in love .. he’s always been so full on about how much he loves me and how he wants our future together.. but also has mentioned his past, he was heartbroken last year by the girl he was meant to marry and never wanted to love again, so when he met me he was shocked due to his feelings being stronger for me even than her – however they scared him so much and he’s so scared of being hurt, that he went to see a shrink.. so he went a couple of times and declared himself cured!!! And then we spoke about me going to him for a few weeks to see how we’d live together, a trial run as such... he was so excited bout this and said he was the happiest guy ever... so after a few wks, I noticed he stopped mentioning it! So I left it, but brought it up one night via text.. basically he said yes, he was scared again, those feelings we back – he’s excited but scared also, in case it may go wrong and he doesn’t want it to! This put major doubts in my head that were never there before.. I told him this and he said he was all good, and that we’d talk when we see each other (he’s visiting in 4 weeks) – I really don’t know how to think? He was so full on and so adamant about me being the love of his life and now I just feel like he’s distant over being ‘scared’ .. should I leave him come here for our planned visit and talk? As I’ve tried to talk to him on the phone and he just clams up, says we’re all ‘good’ and that we’ll talk about it when he’s back here in 4 weeks!!! I dunno what to think.. any help appreciated 

[hmrambling]

It's not uncommon for things to be fast paced and for folks to full-on want to go all in early in a relationship. Relationships have stages, and he may be in a stage of getting to know you and wanting to learn more about you before he makes definite decisions.

Have you ever read about different stages of relationships? Have you two answered the Languages of Love questions to know the best ways to communicate with your partner?

Relationships ebb and flow as they grow. It's understandable to be scared about the future once in a while. Uncertainty invokes fear in a lot of people. When this crops up for me, I have to remind myself to be patient and to take time to get to know my partner.

We've been together over a year and I am constantly still learning new things about my partner.

[differentcountries]

My SO, who has initiatated all the major changes in our relationship, but also been scared about every one of them, described our first year as "travelling in a car with no breakes". It is understandable; relationships are scary, at least if you are not like me who fell in love the first time when you were 4 years old... He fell in love once, at 26, with me

And yes, we have different love languages. To me, physical touch is very important. To him compliments; if someone appeciates him verbally, he is truely grateful. But he is also easily overwealmed and it is hard for him to digest that, I joke that he is like a cat that hates change but doesn't want to change back once the change is in place!

Once I understood that he was really scared, and not stalling, I made the decition that everything that happens in our relationship should go slow. We have had lots of visits, and parttime lived together. I have met his mum twice. This fall he will come here for a longer stay... It is all good. He needs to finish school and pay off more debt before coming here. Hopefully he can move here.

Almost 3 years in, I am still learning about him and how he is. I belive it is crucial to the sucess of us living together full time in the future that we take enough steps to bring us forward, but not so large leaps that one of us gets out of breath.

[SallyR]

thanks so much for both of your replies, it really made me sit back and think about it more logically.. when he told me he was scared I immediately took offence and thought he didn't want this anymore... in reality its normal to be scared of it, as we're only seeing each other 6 months so yes, its' a very fast decision to make and one that was made out of haste... its so true when you said about taking steps to bring us forward but not such large leaps that one of us gets out of breath, such a true statement & one that hit home to me bigtime.. it really made me think that yes, he loves me , but he also needs to take his time with this and 6 months is really early stages for both of us... it's so easy to jump in headfirst and get carried away So different countries, you've been doing this 3 years? how has it been? have you had rough times with this - this is our first hurdle and it is so hard..