Is it better to not visit him than to fight?

[ladynarmo]

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. Probably the longest distance you can imagine.
We're only able to see each other at most three times a year.
When we first started dating, I had some money. I worked quite a bit and I was able to take care of myself.
However, working really got in the way of my studies, so I now work like 10 hours a week on minimum wage and I can't save up money to spend when I go visit him.

That's not the problem though. The problem is...
Well, my boyfriend works. He's an engineer. And, sometimes, his company sends him on business trips to really rural places. There's literally nothing to do there.
I only see him three times a year, but I see him during school breaks, so when I visit him during summer, I stay for like anywhere between a month to three months.
I'm only staying a month this year because I need to come back for my sister's wedding.
We had great plans for that month. We knew there was a high chance that he would be going on that business trip, but we were actually looking forward to it.
We planned on going to nearby cities when we had time. On normal days, we would just have dinner and study at a cafe together. And we were gonna stay at a better hotel since his company allows him about a 100 dollars a night.

The problem is his company changed policy. He's going on the business trip with fellow coworkers and some of his superiors. Normally, they allow him to sleep anywhere, but all of a sudden, they limited it to like three motels that they got contracts with or something? And he can't be staying with his girlfriend at the same motel on a business trip. It's just not something we want his co workers and superiors to know about. So, automatically, our only option became the crappiest motel that none of the other co workers chose.
It's far from the city center. The city itself is so rural, but this motel has even less things around it. But it's worse that the room itself is so creepy. I've slept in old motels before. I just can't do it anymore. I can't sleep at all. He knows that.
Besides sleeping, it's just not some place I want to be staying in for the whole day. I'd have to stay there the whole day. There's literally nothing else to do around there. He gets off work earliest at 6pm. So I'd just be staying in that creepy motel till 6pm every day. The nearest somewhat "city" is 2 hours away, and that place isn't really any better either. And I have no friends there. What am I gonna do all alone.

I just feel like crying remembering the last time he went on a business trip when I went to visit him. We had the option to choose where we sleep that time, but it's just such a rural place that there aren't even that many options to begin with. We slept at a place I chose. It wasn't great, but it was the ONLY motel in the area that wasn't CREEPY. It was a slightly more modern design. It was near the city center. By city center, I mean it's near the terminal and next to his ONE STRIP where there are some small clothing stores and make up shops, etc. It's just literally one straight road full of modern shops. It's about two blocks long? That's it. That's the somewhat most urban place in the whole town. There are some cafes there. Some restaurants. I stayed there for three weeks last time. I was just so depressed staying in that small motel room all day. I cried and told him about it and all he did was get mad at me. Saying he's even more miserable cuz he has to deal with people from another company the whole day and he has to come home to his girlfriend whining.

I'm just feeling depressed even just imagining what it's gonna be like to stay there for 3 weeks again.

I REALLY didn't wanna ever follow him on his business trips every again, but if I don't see him this summer, I won't be seeing him for a whole 9 months.
He's gonna stay there for 3 weeks again. I'm visiting him for a month. That's less than 1 week of normal city life. The plane ticket is over $1500. That's a lot of money for just a week of being able to hang out.

I know people are gonna call me a whiner. Call me what you want. I just can't do it. I can't stay at creepy old motels and I can't stay in rural cities where I know no one and there's nothing to do. I just wanted to rather go home so badly the last time. It's not a matter of just sucking it up. I literally feel like I'm gonna develop depression every time I go visit him. He's at work the whole day and I'm left to do nothing. There's nothing I can do. I don't even have any money. I can't just go around and do stuff when a) there's nothing to do and b) I don't have any money.

I don't know if I should just go there even though I know I'm gonna regret it later or just not go at all and not see each other for 9 months. Or if I should just break up. I love him, but he just doesn't have the same standards as I do. And he thinks I'm too picky and I can't even understand how someone can live and stay in such places.

[sasad]

You already made up your mind. So don't go and wait 9 months.

That's not uncommon for businesses to do for expenses. Sometimes we are told to share a room with a coworker. That's life and how businesses save money.

I live in a small time, and frankly I love it, so yes, you are a bit of a whiner and a bit of a self induced snob Learn the place and the people before you start judging.

You would break up with him because of his business trips not being up to YOUR standards. Seriously, are you really even in love? I am sorry... you just come across as a spoiled brat.

[Redheart14]

He's not doing this the company is. Why should he miss out on seeing you over something he has no control over? Compromise, it's not the ideal situation but at least you get to see him. Some people on here have gone years without meeting their SO yet. Life doesn't always go to plan, but it's how you deal with it that counts. If the shoe was on the other foot would you be upset if he tried to break up with you over this? I'm sure you'd rather see him despite if it wasn't to your original plan, right?

[Ejoriah]

You say he doesn't have the same standards that you do... but what can he do exactly? Go against his company? Tell his company that he refuses to stay at the motels they require him to? Tell his company that he refuses to go to business trips in rural areas? The fact that you were staying with him at the expense of the company could potentially be against the rules too. Is it an option for you to have separate rooms in one of the nicer motels and just visit each other at night? That way the company isn't paying for your room and you're not in a creepy motel.

I think 9 months not to see each other is a long time. If I were you I would want to go see him in the summer and make the most of a bad situation. My husband and I have had to stay in a shitty motel that was clearly a front for drug dealing (we're talking $35/night, people taking back roads to get to the place, people who were obviously on something meeting up in the parking lot and exchanging something) and we made the most of it by trying to make up stories about the people we saw in the parking lot and basically treating it as an adventure. On a recent business trip my husband stayed in the only motel in town that was literally a collection of old trailers and didn't have wifi. We're planning on going there together one day because, again, it's an adventure to stay in a run down place and explore what's around. I guess we're weird. But my husband is also from a very rural area and I quite like the solitude and my own company. I read books, go for walks, take pictures, write, draw. If the neighborhood is not safe for going out and walking I'm quite content reading inside and waiting for my husband to be done.

I get that you're upset that your plans fell through, but it's company policy and I don't understand why you're blaming your boyfriend for it. If you really can't deal being in a rural area in order to see your boyfriend, then yeah, you definitely should wait 9 months.

[differentcountries]

I will not say that you whine, but you need to put things into perspective. You are a student with limited funds, he is a worker working on your visits. Those are the realities when it comes to your visits to him. It constrains the visits. Those are real things. They are, and you need to find ways to work around the things you cant change.

I oblige to my SOs work ALL the time. I met him towards the end of his first season. I rented with him the second and third season. The company OWNED him. It was not the worst of companies, because they paid health benifits and gave him the money he was due, plus food and logding if he wanted to, but in the end I made him quit because everything was according to the boss's whim and it became really ungrateful to work there. While he worked there, the boss was upset if I did not attend the Monday parties (I did EVERY time) and looked happy while in reality I was often alone, had not seen my SO all day and was continuing to be ingored all day.

BUT those were the realities of things. It was neccesary for me to cater to SOs job. SO.... Even though it was sometimes hard, I decided to go with the flow. I talked to people. I attended the dance. I told SO I would feel better if he would just write me a small note or some other things to give me discreete attention. SO arranged it so that I often got food specially made. His job gave me huge discounts on the bill, I think I got 30 % off on most food, and sometimes things for free.

And I learned how to entertain myself; go around on the bike, go for a swim, to yoga, read, cook (I am buying a book these days on how to cook in the hotel room!), look at clothes, learn the language, watch movies, go on walks.... This is not a big town. We have to take the bus 1 hour to see a movie, and because of SOs work schedule that never happens. We have seen a theatre play once, and gone to a night club. Mostly what we do is just go out to eat. Everyone works there, so it is not a big activety scene outside what tourists do. Next time I go, I want to rent a motor bike. I think everywhere, there is something to explore.

I have stayed in the countryside, too - where even just the mood of the place is just, for a lack of better word, old fashioned. We have eaten at restaurants without menues. Everyone has chicken or cows and everyone just gossips all day long, or wath tv shows about tractor races, while eating very fresh food.

And yes, I have yet to see the cotton castles of Pammukale, we have hardly been anywhere in Turkey but his work town, the nearby bigger city and his home town. Sometimes visiting him feels like going to prison because I long to be free and do things, explore, see a bigger city, but his job is where it is and I have to accept that. He has a new employer now, but the basics of the job is the same, he even works longer hours to make more money.

Some visits are great, some are less wonderful, but they are all visits to see HIM - not to go on a wonderful vacation. I still hope to one day go with him on nice trips, but I dont long for it as I used to. I makes him feel like I dont desire him which is not the case at all. I take him and then I take what come with him. Later in life, work can be different, but as long as I agree to him taking the job, I agree to the terms that come with it and that is it, really.

[LivingInWonderland]

Is seeing your SO not worth it? I have seen my SO a total of two times in the 2+ years that I've known him. The last visit was less than ideal. I worked most of it, and he had to stay at my house with my family, whom he did not know, while I worked 8-10 hour shifts. He did not complain. He still came gladly, because he knew he would at least get to see me. You would think that you would want to make the most of the time that you have with your SO, as well. Am I wrong?

It is supposed to be about visiting HIM. Not sight seeing. He has to work, and has very limited options for motels. That is clearly out of his control. Why are you not making the most of that? You would really wait 9 months to see him, all for the sake of a pretty hotel and area? That makes you sound very spoiled, and extremely selfish.

There are lots of things that you could do at the motel to occupy yourself while you wait for him to get off of work. Buy some books. If the motel has Internet, bring a computer. Learn how to crochet from YouTube videos or something. If you set your mind to it, there are LOTS of things that you could come up with to keep yourself busy.

The choice is up to you. But think about how your choice will make your SO feel. Think about if it is truly worth it for both of you to just wait, or if it is only worth it for YOU. None of us can tell you what you should and should not do. We can only tell you what we think you should do. Do whatever you feel is right. But think about it, and think about how your choice would affect him. You also need to think about if the situation was reversed. Would you want him to refuse to see you, all because the area you were working in wasn't ideal enough? Would you want him to break up with you because of things that were completely out of your control?

Just do what you think is right. And not just for you, but for both of you.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

Well the others have kind of torn you apart. I'm going to do my best to not do that, but I will be blunt with you. Seeing your SO three times a year is extremely lucky for international LDRs. Our typical time apart was 7 months, which is still really lucky. So from that standpoint, your post reads like you feel so sorry about your situation when really you should be feeling lucky. Probably the longest distance you can imagine. Sorry, but no. This isn't a pissing contest and I don't feel the need to win, but perhaps you should reevaluate the pity party that you threw for yourself as all of us are in LDRs and we all are handling it just fine.

What were you planning to do during the day when he was at work? You can do exactly that same thing no matter where you are. Or, as others have suggested, just don't go. Yes, 9 months is a long time, but if you're not going to have any fun while you are there, what is the point of going? I can honestly tell you that after a few months apart, you're so used to LD that the time really doesn't matter. At the end of the day, you have to decide if you want to go or not. It sounds to me like you really don't want to go even if that means seeing your SO in 9 months.

Also, as the others have said, I have to question how much you actually love this guy. Or if I should just break up. I love him, but he just doesn't have the same standards as I do. And he thinks I'm too picky and I can't even understand how someone can live and stay in such places. This seems like it's out of left field. Everyone has different ideas of what is a livable condition and what is not. You two have different ones. Are you really going to break up with him over that? It seems to me like you're picking a fight to figure out a way to break up with him...I could be way off, but that's the way it's reading.

[Hollandia]

Is there internet in the motel you will be at? If so, there you have it, hang out with any friends you can find online when there are up and surf the web, play video games, research cool date ideas for your future time alone with your SO. If no internet, then come prepared, bring along some good old fashioned box set of dvds and do some marathons of your favorite shows. Read some great books on your e-reader. Do some sudoku or cross word puzzles. Give yourself a spa day and bring all the fixins with you.

Think of it as an adventure and deal...or don't see him for 9 months, or break up with him.

When I first moved here I spent 90 percent of my time alone in this old rented crappy house. I have no friends in this country and I had no money to go buy a pack of gum. I kept myself company all day every day but one day a week for 6 months before my husband could find a job closer to home. I did this because I loved him enough to do it. It sucked but the few hours we had together made it worth it and now the light is at my end of tunnel and he has more normal hours.

I have to agree that you have NO reason to be getting in any fight with your BF over this and it's childish to be angry with him for something he has no control over. You sound upset and that is your right, LDRs are hard and you deserve to have a pity party every once in a while. When your done with that, just figure out which would be worse, being without him or learning to get creative in spending time alone for several hours a day. Would you still love him if he became destitute? I told my husband I would rather live with him in a cardboard box than alone in a mansion. If you don't feel that way, then why put yourself through all this? Without that type of love, your LDR will most likely fail and even a CD won't work in the long run.

[chloeturner]

I recently visited my SO in Korea twice (once for two weeks and then I just got back from another week out there) and he works 8hr shifts and we only had the weekends.

It IS tough but I was happy to spend money on a plane ticket because at least I got to see him. It's not his fault he has to work. It is hard being in a completely foreign country and whilst my SO doesn't live in the rural parts of Korea, he is still a fair journey away from Seoul which would've involved bus and train hopping where nobody could help me if I got lost so I just got to know the area and stayed local when he wasn't with me. Most days I only went out to buy ingredients to make him dinner with!

The time passed fairly quickly and sometimes you have to make the most of a bum situation. Unfortunately this is life, and yes it sucks, but I say go. You will still be with him at the end of the day.

[Elizabeth123]

It's your choice to make time to be with your SO.
Adults do work and follow company policy or they have no job.
Adults make the best of the limited time they have together...or they end the relationship and move on.
Adults do not make their SO feel bad for working to support themselves.
Maybe you are not ready to be in an adult relationship?

[differentcountries]

I am thinking, what you really want is for him to get a different job. If so, discuss the possabilities of job changes with him, instead of pretending that he is more influential in this job than he really is.