Feeling unsure about international LDR

[leimido]

Hello fellow ldrs......

This is my first post here. I have been in my current ldr for almost a year, I'm in the USA, he is in Egypt. We met on the internet, fell in love, started making plans to be together. He is Muslim, I converted. Overall, things have been really good, we've had some issues, but worked thru them. I am in the process of selling my things to move to Egypt.

However, the past couple weeks I have been questioning if I am making the right decision. We have argued twice, the last time I saw a side of him I have not seen before, and it has really bothered me. We argued over it via text, and then by phone call. I was in an abusive relationship before, and it has left me emotionally scared. One of the things that made me fall in love with him was his kindness, patience, and how loving he was.

Here is the problem: this week I had a dinner engagement thru work....the entire office was invited out to a very nice dinner. I told him the day before I would be going. I reminded him the afternoon before going. I texted him that I loved him. Dinner lasted 3 hours. He got mad that when he texted me during dinner, I didn't immediately respond. It was an hour and half before I realized he texted, when I got up to go to the bathroom and took my phone with me. I texted him back, told him I was still in the dinner, and will text him from the car.

This is where it all went downhill. When I got finished with the dinner, I texted him a voice message, that I was done, sorry it took so long, and I was on my way home, I loved him. He texts back ok. I could feel his anger coming thru that text.....when I got home (like I always do), I texted him I was home. Again, he just says ok. So I ask him what's wrong.....he texts back nothing. To make a long story short, he was incredibly angry that I didn't text him back during dinner, I always text him back fairly quickly, and he was worried about me.

His reaction to this really upset me. I responded back that I told him twice I was going, he knew where I was, what I was doing, and that I always text him before I leave to go somewhere, and that it is extremely unprofessional to be texting during a business dinner. Then I get the texts that really upset me, and actually kind of scared me, honestly. He texts back that there is nothing more important that him and includes an angry face with it, and if he wanted to he could have stopped me from going to this dinner, but he didn't.

And it goes downhill from there.....I told him he was unreasonable to be reacting this way under these circumstances, and he feels that I am the unreasonable one. I told him the next day how upset I was, why, and how this made me feel. He responds by saying that I never understand his feelings. Day before yesterday, at the end of our conversation, he told me that he was wrong about me and my kindness, that I was a hard person and I was exactly like my ex, I had been around him too long to really be different from the way he acted and treated me.

Since then, yesterday I texted to tell him I was at work, he responded a couple hours later with ok, told me to have a nice day. We normally texted off and on all during the day, and talked for hours every nite. I texted him I was home yesterday, again, he said ok. That's it. So I have stopped texting, and so has he.

I don't know where to go from here. Part of me is asking myself WTH are you doing, leaving a good job, moving to a foreign country for someone you haven't met yet, where you don't have a job, and he is not working......to reminding myself of the good things that we have had over the last year, and how he made me feel. Honestly, I feel lost and confused. Am I wrong for being so upset over the way he acted in this situation, or like he said, am I the one being unreasonable and "hard"?

Sorry for the length of this post, I really needed to get it off my chest and talk to other people in LDRs.....Thanks

[lucybelle]

I think moving to a new country for anyone is a bad idea. If you move, it should be because YOU want to move and it'll be good for YOU and YOUR life. When I moved abroad I didn't do it for my SO, I did it for me. Resentment can tear apart a relationship, and it's more likely to happen if you feel you're giving everything up to be with him.

Secondly- I would never move abroad to be with someone I've never met. Is there a reason you haven't met yet? Why not plan a 2 week vacation before making any rash decisions? Have you ever been to Egypt before? Do you speak the language? How will you support yourself? Where will you live? What is the visa situation? What is your plan B if your relationship doesn't work out? Lots of things to consider.

Finally, he sounds controlling and clingy. I could never live like that.

[C.C.]

Okay, I am not gonna try to accuse anyone of anything. But do you know Egypt's culture well enough?
I am not from a Muslim country, in fact it's an orthodox one, but the culture and closeness to other Asian countries has influenced us. I could say my country is divided into half, in the new generation at least, where half of them are more "European" and half more "Asian" with their values. Those two cultures are too diverse to be generalised though, but still.
Anyway half of the guys and even more from previous generations, are really controlling towards their wives. Some get angry when they were shorter skirts or are friends with the guys and etc. Now, I am not saying it has anything to do with Islam, I think it's more about the cultures of certain countries. But it's even worse there, women are often treated as properties. And men have that kind of attitude where they think women should agree with what they think is right no matter what.

Now, have you considered what kind of guy your SO might really be? I am not saying he is, but what if he is the type who treats you like his property and stops the "playing nice to win you" game right after you marry him and he "obtains" you?

Now another thing. It is dangerous to EVEN meet a guy for the first time without extra precautions and making sure you are in a safe environment. (I love my SO so much and I trust him the most in the world but I am going to meet him with a friend when he visits no matter what.) And then you are going to leave everything there and live with him just like that? Sorry, but if we don't even consider all the dangers, as lucybelle said if your relationship doesn't work out (and a year isn't enough time to know whether it will or not) what are you going to do?

Also seriously, it doesn't matter how he made you feel in the past, what's important is how he treats you at the moment, and thinking about the reasoning and thoughts behind his actions. You should try to find out what kind of person he actually is and not rely on the past memories only, a lot of the guys can play "the nice person". And I doubt all that can be solved or concluded in a day or two. So, I'd really really advise you to consider everything and all the possible dangers before making such a big decision.

[aoitori]

I also think he sounds very controlling in the situation. I think your sadness/anger and doubt are right.

Please be very careful. You know what's the most dangerous thing sometimes? Feelings. Because they can mislead us into believing we know the other person better than anybody else. You can only ever see the head of a person, you can't see inside. You'll never know true intentions. Always remember you deserve to be treated well. Don't let anybody control you just to not be alone. Don't let them talk you into marriage or anything. Nobody owns you, you're your own person.

I am planning to move to my boyfriend's country, but because I want to move there, not for him in the first place. He offered me to move in with him, he could provide for me without me working. I said I won't move unless I have a job. My dad told me that you should always be able to live on your own and provide for yourself. Being dependent is never a good idea. Especially if you move to another country. He may or may not be a good guy, just try to be calm about your decisions. I heard from people who moved and converted to muslim culture and the husband changed after being in the country. That they suddenly turned out to be very controlling. I'm not saying it's always like this, but please be careful!

I would also never consider moving without having met. It's much easier to lie in texts, than in person. If you want to try, you should try meeting first, but on save ground with someone else coming along. It's always very dangerous.

Take care of yourself and all the best

[leimido]

Thank you all for your responses, i appreciate the insight. I haven't traveled there yet because of the cost and work schedule, and the fact that he we planned to marry when I did get there. I know it sounds crazy, but i felt so sure and felt so connected to him and was sure of my decisions, until now. He has apologized, but he still cannot seem to understand my side of this, and we are still arguing. I told him today via text as we were arguing that we needed to end it.

[differentcountries]

It sounds like you need to have a real, good talk about differences - cultural, personal etc. The Arabic mentality is often being tough and proud. And in many countries it is totally ok to interrupt businiess meetings with call or texts from family. Perhaps he would have called you during a businiss meeting as well?

I have no idea if you should move to Egypt, but I do know that to thrive in a country, you need to:
know your partner, prefferably through visits
understand language and culture
have something to do, like a job, voulenteering etc. and something to provide you with money

And I also dont think you will be allowed to marry on a tourist visa

Here are some stuff to read about what you need to get married: https://egypt.usembassy.gov/acs12.html
and live in Egypt: https://www.expatarrivals.com/egypt/moving-to-egypt

There was a couple of couples here before, I think they met up in Turkey first because an unmarried Egyptian cant legally stay in a hotel room with a foreigner. Or did you plan to stay with him and his family?

[Elizabeth123]

Good decision...slow down and really think about what's best for you. If you've never visited it might be considered rushing to be married immediately.
The cost of a sudden marriage can be much higher than a plane ticket and a few vacation days.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I have said this on multiple other posts, but I think it stands here too. Being with someone in real life is totally different than being with someone online. I'm not saying you can't love someone without ever meeting them, but how do you really know if you love all of them if you are only talking for an hour a day? Part of loving someone is knowing how they act around their mother and how they treat their waitress. What happens if you go there and marry him and realize that although you may love him, you don't really like him as a person? It is possible that you two will be just as perfect in person as you were online for the past year, but do you really want to commit your life to someone that you have never held or kissed or fought with in person? How do you know how he reacts when he's angry? You can't really tell that online, even though you know by now that he has a temper and possibly control issues. Living with anyone is hard even if you were CD with them for years. Living with someone that you see for a few months every year is even harder, and living with someone that you have never met is just downright crazy. I strongly urge you to go and visit before you move there for good. Moving in general is a huge commitment, and it makes even the longest, most committed relationships question what they want. So go and figure out what you want. In the end, either way you will be glad that you spent the time and money to make sure it's something that you really want rather than move there and figure out that you made a grave mistake.