Hello. I've been in a long distance relationship for over 6 months. We met on a chat site and everything seemed to be cool at the very beginning. After a couple of months I noticed he was more into spending his time in that chat site than with me. Another thing happened, i caught him flirting with a girl in a public room and when i confronted him he claimed that she's just a friend and the the was only joking. The flirt was pretty hardcore though. He apologized and i gave him another chance. He also deleted his account on that site but after 2 months he made another one saying he made up his mind and that he would not spend as much time there as before. However, I always feel like he doesn't really want to spend too much time with me, we call each other every day but only when he makes time for it, it's never the right time when I want to initiate a call and we only speak briefly updating about our day. He has a lot of time in his hands but he would much rather spend it playing video games or talking with his friends. He always seem to have excuses for not spending more time together at the weekends, either that his parents are in the house and that he doesn't feel comfortable talking with me with them around, or that he has to meet with friends when in fact he's just playing video games. He used to be more engaged in conversations, now he seems absent or not interested to get into details of events i want to share with him. On the other hand, when he has to tell things about himself he seems to be very talkative. I confronted him about what's been bothering me, that I don't feel he's putting too much effort into us spending quality time together or that i'm bothered he's still going on that chat site and he just went defensive saying he does not understand what i want. I just feel this is not working anymore and I want to know if i'm overreacting?
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Welcome to LFAD!
It seems that he's not putting much effort into building a relationship with you from what you shared.
Have you met irl or have plans to? Maybe he's just not prepared to be in an LDR? It takes an effort from both parties to survive. -
Welcome to the forum. If it's been like this for 6 months since you met you need to look at the relationship and see if you're happy for it to continue like this. Making an account chatting to others that doesn't have you as a priority. Looks like you're putting in all the effort. Only you can answer if you feel you could keep going like this.
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That's exactly what i feel and always felt, that he's never treated me with the same priority as i have. I heard him saying how excited he was about a football game, about going to a party, about going home from work..but never that he's looking forward to spending time with me.Originally posted by Elizabeth123 View Post
It feels he's just doing it as a chore, to make it look like there is a relationship. He says he loves me, he talks about a future together but they feel like empty words because of his attitude.
He defended himself that we talk everyday, that's true, apart from the last week when he was busy with his family and situation i was completely ok with, we talked every following day after his return. The problem is that it doesn't feel like talking, we just watch something together then he just needs to leave. We never have quality talk anymore, it's as if he just wants to get over with it by watching something to make time with me less boring then just leave.
I tried to explain him that but he doesn't get it. So i don't know how else could i explain this to him. I can't demand things nor should I. I want him to have initiative to change things after i told him what's been bothering me, not telling him specifically what to do.Comment
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Sounds like a tough situation.
It may help to explain things as 'I feel _____ when this happens' instead of phrasing your concerns as a demand. That way he has a chance to see how his actions/lack thereof impact you. Or perhaps you could also phrase it as 'I would feel better/more comfortable if _______'.Comment
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Hello Katy_G and thanks for replying.Originally posted by Katy_G View Post
That's actually how i expressed myself, " I fell like...", " I don't think in a relationship someone should feel like this or have it necessary to point out such things".
He asked me what I want, he asked me if I wanted him out of that site, he blamed me for not telling him I wanted to spend more time with him after we finished our watching together stuff, but I told him I don't want to HAVE TO tell him all those things, that if he clearly sees i'm bothered that he goes to that chat, he should be the one making a decision about it, that i don't want to HAVE TO beg for more time together when he always turn everything he has to do after into such an emergency. He WANTS to leave... can I oblige him not to?Comment
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Unfortunately for some people, 'not saying anything' is a sign of assent. It sounds like this may be part of the communication problem you two have.Originally posted by LisaMarie87 View Post
You can't oblige him, sadly---if he's really this non commital, then he'll just do whatever he wants regardless if you're talking or not. If you've let him know this, and he has no move to try to make things right or at least understand where you're coming from, then you have to examine if this relationship is worth staying in on these terms.Comment
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I think generally, people misunderstood what making "I feel..."-sentences mean. When you say "I feel that people should /should not do x in a relationship", I am afraid that is not a statement about actual FEELINGS, just solutions. If you take way the "I feel", the sentence still makes sense, which it should not. You are really just telling him your rules for the relatonship. Feeling sentences are like THESE:
I feel sad when you....
I feel happy when you....
I feel cared for when you....
You really have to do your share of using a clear language, otherwise he (and other people) might never get what you are trying to say.
YES, "feeling"-sentences are harder, and rawer and more exposed. And you can also come with solutions after the, but they should also be based on HIM telling HIS feeling to you and how they relate to what you do or dont do. Once BOTH of your feelings (and needs) are on the table, then you can start looking at possible solutions for what you consider the problem. Because he also has a problem. In his mind, he is making a whole lot of time for you, in the midst of his friends and family. He has no idea what you want from him.Last edited by differentcountries; July 16, 2016, 04:02 PM.I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
- Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"
"Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visitsComment
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Yes, he needs to express himself, but honestly, saying I feel when YOU...can be a disaster. That can backfire and make it seem like it's the other persons fault.Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
Yes, I fell can be misunderstood if not said correctly... Therapist use that a lot.Comment
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