Getting over a breakup

[zallen239]

Hi all,

I've posted semi-recently about my LDR ending and thought I would be able to cope but unfortunately that's not so much the case at the moment. It ended 2 weeks after she cheated on me and though I was ready to forgive she wasn't really ready to continue. I'd like to say that it was kind of mutual but I feel ultimately it was more of her decision. Since then she left a couple of teary incoherent voicemails and has contacted me asking me how I am. I'm not replying to any of her messages as I'm not ready to. I have since found out she's been on a date since then already and that kind of just tilted me, I'd like to think it's some kind of rebound or whatever but deep down I'm fairly sure it is completely over. But the thing is I can't seem to let go. I know it has only been two weeks but I'm just at a complete loss. It's more the loneliness than anything. I've slept with a girl a couple of times since then (we used to date) and she truly is an amazing friend who'as been so good to me since.

I have toyed with the idea of trying to date this friend because even though we broke up it was entirely due to the fact we were early days and I was living away for some time and didn't think it best to go long distance after 6 weeks of dating. I know this could and probably would be a rebound thing which makes me angry at myself for being so selfish but at the same time I think it would help a lot at the moment and I would like to have feelings for her again.

I don't have that many close friends at the moment and she is my go to in terms of anything at the moment. But I still can't get the thoughts of my ex out of my head (except when I'm with this friend). No contact I feel is working to an extent and I don't feel completely crippled but I've been sat broken hearted still and feel like I'll be unable to move on. My ex is only away for about 6 weeks more but I really wish I just could learn to move on. I still feel that things might just go back to normal when my ex returns but at the same time I don't want to be counting down until that day as I think it's just pointless. I've not been in many relationships and although we were only together for 5 months I really felt everything was there.

Perhaps I'm just being naive and a bit of a baby but anything to help me move on right now seems like the logical choice to me, but I can't hurt this friend again and at the moment I can't guarantee it would work between us but that's the gamble with relationships anyway. Any advice is much appreciated

[hmrambling]

I suggest autopsying the relationship before dating again. Link to Autopsy. Give yourself time to think, to breathe, and sort out what happened in the last relationship before trying to date again.

[Elizabeth123]

hmrambling gave good advice...slow down. If you care about your other ex don't hurt her also.

[youremylobster]

You need to heal. Your break up is so very fresh; it has only been two weeks. You should slow your roll for quite awhile because you will hurt that other girl and yourself more if you don't. Your ex cheated on you, that is a devastating thing to be dealing with, but pushing it away is only going to make it worse and make you undateable until you are healed. This will take time, especially if you were in love with the girl who cheated. Hang in there, keep your head up and be strong yet allow yourself to grieve being betrayed and the loss of your relationship.

[TheSteelAngel]

Let me tell you one thing based on my recent experiences with break ups. Don't ever try to force yourself to date someone else. Rebounds aren't good things for both parties. Don't try to force yourself to date your friend just be on your own for a while. Take time to reflect on why your relationship failed. Take up new hobbies and try to find yourself.

[C.C.]

What everyone said. Don't date this girl until you are completely over.

but I can't hurt this friend again and at the moment I can't guarantee it would work between us but that's the gamble with relationships anyway

Yes relationships are a gamble. But when a person isn't ready for one, that gamble isn't 50/50 anymore but is more probable to fail. And even if it doesn't, you can't build a proper relationship with someone else when you aren't emotionally ready and when you can't get your ex out of your mind. The beginning of it will be just a huge struggle and needless suffering.

Stay away from dating stuff for some time, heal and explore yourself on your own and hen when you are ready, you'll be free to do anything you'd like~

[whatruckus]

Let's just call it for what it is: You're toying with the idea of using your friend to ease you through the pain of your break up. Am I right?

You need time to yourself. My former SO and I broke up officially almost 6 months ago, and 8 months exact since we went on a "break". We were together for 3 years. I haven't dated anyone since. I know I'm not ready. And, I don't want someone to be my rebound just because I'm sad. It's not right, and it's not fair to the other person. Sure, I've talked to a few guys here and there, but when I realize, again, how much I'm still not over my former SO, I stop talking to them. It's not fair for me to waste their time and let them think something is going to happen between us, or that I'm actually interested in them. Better to cut them loose, and let them be able to find someone who's really interested in looking for a relationship. Because, like I said, I know I'm not looking for one.

Am I still hurting? Of course I am. If you took a look at my Facebook and my various posts around here, you'll see I'm absolutely still in love with him. Do I want to be? No. But, I can't help how I feel. I'd rather be alone and sort through this on my own, than use someone for my own gain, while hurting them in the process. Get the picture?

Also, saying she's your "go-to" for "anything" seems really immature and inappropriate. You don't call your friends that. You don't hurt your friends by using them as a rebound because you don't want to be alone for a while and grieve.

I agree with everyone else. Rebound relationships are almost always bound to fail.