Turning point in LDR

[Rezie]

Sorry for this very long text. I just really needed to write down my feelings. I'm sure this isn't a unique problem so I would like to hear from others in similar situation.

I met my boyfriend 4 years ago while I was doing my internship abroad. I was 22 and he was 31 yo. We started to spend time together and hooking up. My idea was that while I'm there I might as well have some fun. Once I had to head back home (1300 miles away) we talked and decided LDR is not our thing. A week later he called and said that he has to see me again and we agreed to give the LDR a try. FOr me the LDR worked perfectly since I was a senior at university, I liked traveling and I appreciated my own time. For the past year I’ve been really fed up with the distance.

Around 9 months ago we visited another country and I returned home thinking it was nice, but not awesome. I put it away in my mind thinking it was stress from my new job. The past few times we have met has been nice, but not great like it was before. Again I have said to myself it’s because of his work stress and me being sick of the distance.

He has been comforting me saying he will move here soon. He said it makes more sense since he doesn’t have an apartment, permanent job and he doesn’t see his friends and family other than holidays. I would be more than happy to move his home country for a few years to experience a big city. I just can’t see myself settling there permanently. I’m fairly social and family oriented. Also it is quite tiring to speak another language first at work and then at home and using my holiday time to visit back home. Also if we were to think about starting a family I think my home country would provide better settings. Also I have been thinking of further educating myself and here it would be free where as in this home country it would be very expensive.

He came here for a longer visit so we could see how it would feel to live together. Once his plane landed he revealed that he has a lot of anxiety about moving abroad and doesn’t really want to do it. He just hadn’t figured it out before. He then took it back and says it was just anxiety at that moment. I’ve had trouble with my feelings. I feel bored in the relationship which I think is because we always meet in holiday setting. I feel annoyed with the little things he does. I feel like we don’t have a lot in common. Everytime we are suppose to do something the reality isn't as good as the thought. I feel like we are not on the same page.

I just don’t know if I’m feeling this because I’m bored with my own life and growing into a real adult or if it is because this isn’t the right relationship or if I'm trying to find an easy and sensible solution. He thinks everything is good and us living together has been perfect.

He is heading home soon (he has been here 3 months) and he said that he could take a 3 month contract and then come for a few months. I don’t think this is a solution to anything. I want to figure out a definitive plan because I’m sick of the distance and I don’t want to “see how I feel” for a long time. Part of me is saying fuck it just leave him and see how I would feel. Part of me is saying just quit your job and sell all your stuff and move to his country. I just don’t trust my own judgment now.

[CanadianGirl]

I don't think anyone can tell you there's a certain right way to handle this. You need to sit down together and talk this out over a few conversations. Maybe you'll switch back and forth between his country and yours or maybe you'll find one place is actually a perfect fit. I basically moved to California to experience it, but we both have our eye on settling down in Canada in the future.

From what I read, you don't seem to mention positive aspects about your relationship except having time to yourself. Stress can definitely do that to you, but if you're never happy with your partner, there's not much of a point.

[Rezie]

Thank you for your response. Of course I'm not expecting strangers in a forum the tell me what to do. I just wanted to write out my feelings down and maybe gain some peer suport from others in similar situation

There are a lot of great things in my partner he listens, he remembers the small things, he really wants to make me happy, we share the same sense of humour. I don't think any other guy would be so interested to follow my socer teams results But then there is the other side. And I don't know which out weighs which.

I think my main problem is that I don't feel like I can trust my gut feeling and I can talk my self into any solution but none seem right. Also I feel very emotional about this all the time which really isn't like me. Also I do feel a bit lost in my life in general.

I guess I'll just have to share how I feel and ask how he views it. Then once he is gone ill have to revaluate how I feel.

[differentcountries]

Why do you feel lost in your life in general? How are things with your family, friends, job, studies, money situation etc? If something is the matter, what could you change?

Is there anything in perticular that he does or does not do that you wish he would change?

[UnknownBuddy]

Take care of yourself. You are experiencing negative emotions, whether its caused by something you did or by something that he did, the goal in a relationship is happiness.

[Rezie]

I've been trying to work this out what it is. I know everything in my life is good so it feels unfair to complain.

I don't really like my job and it's not what I have studied. Unfortunately I've been out of my own field for so long that it's not realistic to head back to doing that nor do i really want to. Also the job market is terrible so there are a lot of qualified applicants. I want to study more but I don't have a clue what I want to do. I'm 26 yo now so I know I'm young enough to study something and still built a career but I don't want to waste 5 years of study to somethig I'm not sure about.

Also I'm a bit bored with my friends. They are starting families and having their lives together. I'm trying to find new ones. Also I feel like I get bored super easily. I have been working on these issues with an outsider so I'm doing something about it.

So I'm fully aware all our problems trace back to me. I need to sort myself out before I can truly know what I want from the relationship. I just don't know if it's something I should do alone or with my bf. I do know taht this LD is not eight anymore since it forces me to live in this fantasy world of "someday we..." which is not reality. So sometimes leaving everything behind and moving in with my bf seems like the right choise and then head home if it gets messed up and sometimes it seem like the worst choise. I will still be me but in another country and still kot knowing what i want to do for a living. And as previously mentioned I don't trust myself right now.

This has made me look back on our relationship and I have felt before that past 9 months that it's not right but I have written it off with because of the situation. Initially when we got together it was more like friends with benefits and there wasn't a grand passion. It was right for the time I was there so I never really had to think if we were suitable for partners. From there on we just ended up here and now I have to really think about everything. Then on the other hand there are the really good times when we laugh and everything just flows.

The fantsy what if land is different from real world. Also I'm different in the what if land. Also I've changed quite a bit from 22 yo where as he hasn't changed that much from the 31 yo we were when we first met.

This is oddly therapeutic to write down.I know I will be the only one who can make decisions and know what really is going on but feels nice to open up to strangers 😊

[differentcountries]

It seems that for some reason, you don't consider SO visiting, even for 3 months at a time, is "real". I wonder what you do on visits, you mentional travelling. Does he do the things he would be doing if you lived together long term? Or it is more like he sleeps or hangs around until you finish work? I wonder because, on visits that we had (we have only had up to 1 month visits so far, will be 2 months next year), while some of the visits have included fun and sightseeing, the majority of them have been us doing things we would normally do if we lived together in the same country: working, cooking, doing the laundry, go for moonlight walks, seeing each other's friends and family, the occational move or theatre play or boat trip, a lot of bicycling, cats and whiskey (we would probably do less whiskey though, if he lived here). We dont have a big budget and he prefers us to spend less since it means we can afford another trip sooner. We are in the stores talking about weather to buy clothes pegs, and how much to spend on washing up liquid. We have sex after a day of not seeing each other much because he has been working and I have been studying. People have opinions about us as a couple, good and bad - I guess because they see a type of future in us. It feels very "real" to me. When he comes here to visit, I expect him to take up a language class as to prepare himself to move here. We also belong to communities where people do international long distance - my friend from language class actually just married and is on a honeymoon right now. I dont see long distance as something that is less real than other relationships.

But long distance relationships need more planning. I agree with you that him working in his home country for 3 months to come back to live with you 3 months is not the best of plans. You can only do this so many times before immigration starts questioning what you do. It also makes it harder for him to immigrate for real, as they might see him as having "too loose" ties to his home country. As for practiality; marriage, work or studies are usually the main routes. If you consider closing the distance though marriage, you going back to study means it will take much longer to close the distance. I say this because you dont mention the practical effects of you taking up a study. I dont know about you, but I have to financially guarantee for SOs visit even for a short stay (since he comes from a non-EU-country). If I should be involved in his immigration, I def need to work full time and possably have money saved up. I realize this should not be your only consideration when choosing a profession, but it has very real effects when it comes to your ability to close the distance during the next year or two. If you should want to do that, of course.

As for you changing a lot in 4 years and him less, that is very natural based on age since he was past 30 when you met. We are the same - I am the older one and the one not changing, he finished his education, his braces, got out ot the military by taking up a loan that breaks his back, his back and kneees could not take his old job. He has gotten grey hairs and more wrincles while I look basically the same. My job is better but I am the same. I love that we are a bit more "the same age", even if I am of course more financially secure, but the way we are oriented towards the future is more the same now. He has lost a bit of innocence but that comes with the terretory. I think he is happy that I have not changed, I know he is attracted to me being older. I love him to death but I am happy he is not quite as carefree as he was when I met him.

We too want SO to move here, but I dont think of it as a "different land" from the situation we are in now. We have spent a bit of time together now, and I dont expect major things to change, exept of course that if he moves here, SO will have to learn my language and a bit about society too. But we already discussed how we plan to do it. We want to buy a summer home in his country and use half to most of our vacation time to visit his country, friends and family. His family has a big house so we can live there when we visit, and then they too can use our summer flat for vacations when we are not there (which they will love, so they will not hate us for going elsewhere on visits). I am learning his language (Turkish) and I am also thinking of learning a bit at least basic Arabic because his family speaks Arabic too (and it would be useful in my job). We will not STOP being an international couple, it is just that we will be in my country more, wheras now we are in his country more. This means that our finances will be very much oriented towards a sort of nomadism. It means giving up celebrating every holiday the way I am used to, every year. It does not feel like a different land, more like exploring more in the land we are already in, if this makes any sense.

You say that initially there was not a great passion. Passion means different things for different people, but for most it means a lot to have a sort of interesting set up of the relationship. Of course it is not always easy to remember. I would probably have to look into a journal or two to remember exactly why I wanted to date SO, but I think...I was a bit scared, actually. He scared me, because he was a stranger but he felt familiar yet very unfamilar and I was a bit like: why... Like I needed a reason to like him. I mean most people like him but I was like...very agressive about it. And SO got scared a bit further on, he told me he used to make fun of his friends when they fell in love but now it happened to him and he felt so lost. I still think I scare him shitless. He feels very exposed with me. And he doesnt usually with people, he is the one who takes care of them and is the charming joker. It is just that now he trusts me... I know a lot about him and I never use it for bad, not even if I am upset with him. And I know for sure that he loves me. That is what love is to me... two people who make each other upset somehow but they still hang around lol. And that is what is difficult I think, because we want such different qualities in a lover at the same time; we want freshness and passion and at the same time our lover should be our best friend. And I think we sort of travel between those two ways of being. Because if someone feels too unfamiliar, it feels unsafe. If they feel too familiar, it can be boring and overnice. And if we are not in a good spot with ourselves, everything the other person does might feel wrong in some vague way.

[Rezie]

I do greatly appreciate him coming over. This is the first time since we started dating that we are together for this long. Previously we have met up for long weekends and if we are together for more than 5 days we go on a holiday to another country. Whenever he is here we try to do as normal things as possible. Cooking, cleaning, and hanging out with my family and friends. We go out for drinks and different happenings. He changed his jobs a lot so he lives in hotels so whenever we are there we stay in a hotel and it is more of a holiday type situation. Now that he is here he basically walks in the local park and plays computer games until I get home from work. When I get home we might go for a walk or watch tv. He doesn’t really have ideas of things he would like to do. He occasionally does some household chores. Now that he is here I’ve tried to live as normal life as possible. I’ve gone to my hobbies, met up with friends etc. Also I know that he is leaving at some point so I don’t wanna be too nagging about how he doesn’t participate too much to household activities and decision making. I know it is my flat and it is more difficult for him to take control.

Whenever we are together at his country it is more of a holiday since he doesn’t get out much anyways, we are at a hotel and I always have a lot of things I want to do. He doesn’t visit his family much or meet up with his friends so in there it seriously is us 2 so he doesn’t really have a support system. He also doesn’t really have a need to socialize more.
We both live in the EU so immigration is not a problem. If we decide to close the distance the options are work or study. I won’t get married until we have lived together for several years. My main motivation for studying is that I want to be qualified for a job that I actually want to do. I just don’t know what it is. I can go to study in his home country cause I speak the language but im not 100% sure what I want to study so paying 30 000e for a degree seems a lot of money since in here I can do it for free.
My bf doesn’t want to move abroad. So moving to a third country is not an option. He is warming up to moving here but I think it is only because then we don’t break up. He doesn’t really want to learn another language but in here you can survive perfectly well with English. So our only option is that I move there to work or study.

Now we get to the want part. I’m not sure I want to and I’m not sure I don’t want to. I do realize that my family and friends would be only 3h plane ride away and I can always go back home. I want to be together but everyday I’m let down by the reality of what being together is. I don’t have unrealistic expectations of a relationship but still I feel like this. Since I’m feeling so confused it feel like a super big decision to sell everything I own, quit my job and just leave. If I didn’t have any doubts in my mind then it would feel easier…probably. I would really have to build my own life there since he has no social life and I need some friends and hobbies. If I go there then I need to have the right frame of mind and not “let’s give this a try and see how it works”. If I go then I want to want it. Of course if it is a shorter time like 1-3 months then I can “see how it feels”. Too bad that getting that much time off from work isn’t possible.

He is an amazing guy, sweet, caring e but I am very bored when we are together (well for the past year). We have things in common but I still feel like everything we do is a compromise that semi satisfies both of us. I also know that obviously 4 years together we can’t be the same. Something just feels off when we are together. And I just don’t know if it is because the relationship isn’t right, I’m just scared of moving or just because I’m a bit lost at what I want.

I know there doesn’t always have to be a great passion in the beginning. I meant that when we first got together my thought were pretty much that I’m single and looking for some fun so I didn’t even think if we would be good for more than hooking up and hanging out for a few months. As mentioned before I can talk myself into any decision. And I know this is a me problem.

[sasad]

Listen to your heart. You can justify and explain things in your head, but we all learn to follow our heart/gut/instinct. If there are doubts or concerns, figure them out before you make your final commitment etc. Figure out what it is that you want or don't want. If you are not ready to settle down, don't just settle.
Yes, we all compromise with things. But again, you shouldn't always be semi-satisfied. If it doesn't feel right, Don't do it.

Maybe talking to random unknown peeps will help you figure out what and why .

[Rezie]

Thank you for your words. Thet are so right. All your messaes has forced me to write down my feelings. And it has been helpful.
I need to find a feeling that will make me trust my gut.

[Rezie]

Hello friends, me again.

My boyfriend left to the airpost today to move back home. He has to start a new jobs so his CV doens't have too many gaps.

We had a good talk. I explained how I feel and he tried to understand. He also gave his side. He said that somewhere between agreeing that he would move here and the actual relality of coming over freaked him out. He was certain he wouldn't be able to do anything or communicate with people. Also he wasn't sure before if we were compatable domestically. Now he has realized that he can function here and get food. Also here is other foreigners who manage so can he. He figured out that we are compatible and is now ready to even think about marriage and kids (...like..whoa..). he also feels like the past 9 months has not been great but it has been because he has had a bit of sex related problems that lowers his confidence and he has been unhappy with his job. He could really see himseld settling down in here when he is in his 40's. Or even before if he gets a suitable job somewhere around my hometown. He is even thinking about language courses.

Too bad all this that has happened made me feel very insecure about everything. I was sure we were good together and I knew he would do well in here. He is not very complex person (in a good way) and is very happy with gym, running and living low key life. I do understand that moving somewhere is not easy but the way he presented it made me feel horrible, rejected and insecure. I know it is all in the past but I keep thinking that he is at the moment kidding himself and still not crasping the fact that living abroad is more than going to food shopping. I'm glad that he is getting around the idea of moving here. I just somehow can't ignore everything that has happened or the past 9 months that has been not that great. I keep looking at the negative sides and the fact that our lives would be a lot different. I've started to miss simplicity. I know speaking another language is stressfull to the poeple around me and I keep feeling slightly responsibel about him. Also I keep thinking how we are so different.

But I'm glad we talked. I'm glad he is feeling better. Maybe we will sort this out at some point.

[Honour]

It's a shame things came to a head like this, but at least you know now, right? I don't think you should "ignore" the 9 months you spent together, if it helps you to look back and consider what happened, then by all means do so. Take it in your stride and learn from your experiences, but stay positive, and good luck!

[ronjaandbirk]

Re the food shopping: I don't know if this is true or not but I read several times that the hardest part to adjust to in a new country is the slightly different foods even whrn the options at supermarkets are actually quite simliar. And i actually think thats true after living in both sweden and the UK (i'm german) for an extended period of time. So I don't know, I think for some people it really is that simple. It certainly is for me or rather: the times i strolled through supermarkets nit knowing what to eat because "tat one thing from home" wasn't there are the only ones that made me ever truly home sick.

After reading this I can't help to think that i think you're over rationalasing everything a little (no offense,i'm the same ) the way you talk about work and study for exemple: does the whole "wasting time" thing really factor in so much? I believe sometimes you just got to go about doing something just for the learning part of it. Why not try out studying something, you can almost everywhere sit in on classes and see if it suits you. You can only "waste" time by missing out on experiences in my opinion. If you keep waiting for an experience wirth having you might end with no experience at all. Go out and luve a little.

As for your relationship, i read alot reason abd thoughts about this aswell, but I'm wondering: Do you love this person?
No matter how you started (not every great relationship has to start with wild passion and total lovey doveyness to be real. So how do you feel about your boyfriend now?

I know It's harder done than said but I'd give trying not to have a perfectly reasonable argument for everything you do a go being an adult 24/7 is sooo overrated.

Good Luck, I hope you feel a bit less lost soon.

[Rezie]

edit: man I'm exhausting to talk to. Even I got bored reading my text and I want to tell this woman to get a grip

Thank you for the response. You have good points.

I know I'm over rationalizing everything. Unfortunately I'm one of these people that just can't do things without thinking it’s effects even though I’ve been instructed to "go with the flow" numerous times. And I like to go back and forth and over analyze everything and force people like you to do it with me

Unfortunately the rational part of me doesn't want to go to school for 3-6 years and be covered in 50 000e in debt if it doesn't lead to me being able to have a career in something I could enjoy. Waste of time isn't the right term. I know that experiencing something new is not a waste, going to school is not a waste and all experiences in life are valuable.

I know that wild passion in the beginning is not necessary and relationships are still real. My idea about bringing this up was that my thoughts when we met was that I wanted casual sex for the time I spent there and we agreed that once I have to head back to uni that will be it. He was there, available and nice so he was perfect for this. So when we actually decided to pursue a relationship we met up only for long weekends and holidays so I never really had thought our long term compatibility until now that we are thiniking of closing the distance. I honestly thought that when we decided to give the rship a try I would know once it wasn’t working out or I would know it was working out.

I know I'm the only person who stops me. But the whole concept of quitting my job, letting go of my apartment and selling my stuff when I have doubts sounds scary and not that smart. I do know that if I go and everything fails then I can come back home and move in with my parents and hope that work and life just works out. The perfect solution would be that I could leave work for x months/year and just go to experiece his country. everything was waiting for me if I decided to get back home so I would have a safety net. And then I would know for sure what I wanted from a relationship.

I know I am sounding negative about the relationship and my bf. He is a wonderful guy. I do love him and I can’t image him not being in my life. The first three years were great when we met up, but the past year it has been nice but not great. We had talked about closing the distance and him coming over for 3 months was a way to see how domestic life felt. The first days when he was silent, didn’t do anything, touch me, didn’t speak or move from the couch made me feel horrible, rejected and small. When I forced him to talk he basically said that he has a lot of anxiety about moving and he is not sure he wants to do it even short term. This really triggered all the doubts in my mind and really made me revisit the thoughts that I had brushed off to the back of my mind about the last not so great year. And it was important that I went through these feelings. This did affect the visit a bit. He got over his anxieties but I still haven’t. He being here was nice but unfortunately domestically he wasn’t the way I would want from a partner. With this longer time the lack of common interests became apparent. But whenever I got a feeling that it wouldn’t work out then something happened that made me think that he is perfect for me. As said before I do love him but I’m not sure I can let go of the things I can’t experience with him or would have to continue doing by myself as I do now.

So I can’t differentiate if my feelings are only me being scared and self-sabotaging or if the feelings I have are because the relationship is coming to the end. Also I know this is sounding like I’m putting a lot on him and I’m being very selfish but I am also acknowledging that I’m not an easy person to be with. Now that he is gone back home I’ll search how I feel and how it feels the next time we meet up for a long weekend.

Oh and I do understand the food shopping thing. When I lived in China my local supermarket had living snakes, frogs and turtles for sale. I started to miss my local supermarket at home I remember living in the UK and going to the dairy department and they had very limited selection but oh my how many types of crisps does a person need?!

[Rezie]

Hi guys. Me again. I’m using this forum as a form of therapy and writing things down help.

recap: we had been planning my boyfriend of 4 years to come over with one way ticket where he would be trying to get a job, we could experience living together and if he wasn’t able to find anything then he would head back home to do some work. He postponed the visit a few times due to work and therefore came over during summer months. He himself said that it would make sense for him to relocate here since I have tight family ties, hobbies, apartment, permanent job and more of a support system. He doesn’t really have a support system and spends a lot of time on his own and communicates with his friends through technology. I have said that I would happily live there for a year or two and then settle down in my home country.

He showed up and during the first week he basically said that he doesn’t want to relocate here or anywhere abroad. I didn’t push it and he decided to give it a try. after the visit he thought that we are very compatible, he could see us starting a family, he enjoys my home country and he could see himself settling here when he is in his 40’s or 50’s. I on the other hand started to doubt our compatibility, if we have things in common, his lack of initiative, his way of doing housework and handling unfamiliar situations. So it was a bit of emotional rollercoaster. He couldn’t get work since it was summer, he is very particular on what he wants to do, we have high unemployment rate, we have a lot of applicants with higher education level and I’m not sure he really used all his options. So after 3 months he went back home to find some work. This is understandable.

----
So it has been around 1,5 months since my boyfriend left back home from his 3 month visit and it has been weird. I felt kind of relief once he left since I felt a bit responsible about him. He never said anything but it was something I felt. I haven’t been responsive to his messages and not been really into talking on the phone. Finally he confronted me about it. We had a good talk and I let everything out again how I have doubts about our compatibility, how I’m sick of the distance and I have hard time seeing the future where we close the distance. His comment about not wanting to relocate here, now wanting to relocate when he is in his 40’s, he has had some sexual issues which causes him to be afraid of not performing which then makes him not want to show affection or touching. This combined with my quarter-life crisis (I read a study which perfectly applied to me) has make me feel really insecure and has brought my self-confidence down. I’ve started to feel unattractive, lost, scared of rejection. He came to a conclusion that we now have to decide if we break up or make a proper plan on how to close the distance. Finally he gets it! I also have a slight professional crisis going on so I can’t put all of my moods to the relationship. But I want either work or rship working. Not both feeling crappy.

Today I was talking with a work friend about this. She is very good listener, never offers her opinions and is very non-confrontational. I told her how I feel guilty about my problem being “me,me,me. I don’t know what to study, I don’t know where to work, I force my boyfriend to move and do everything for my comfort and he is doing everything for us”. He got a job close to the airport so it’s easy to visit and a double room so that there is more space (which I found ridiculous since during the planned 3 months of working I would be visiting maximum of 1 time). Then my work friend said that unlike usual she is gonna give an honest opinion. She basically said that I’m not being selfish, if I’m unhappy with my profession I should think about myself since it’s a work field I’d have to work for the next 40 years. And she feels like I do think about my rship with everything. I organize my holidays so that we can meet up, I look for jobs for him (he said he wanted me to do that) but he doesn’t apply to other than perfect one, I consider his feelings and how this all effects on him. And if he really wanted to do everything he could for me then he would be here. Now he is doing what is best for us without him having to step out from comfort zone or give anything up. This really hit me. I know that it’s not that simple but true in a way. He could try to learn the language, look for a job and once he is here then look for a better job or go to school. I’ve been sick of the distance for 1,5 years and he has comforted me how this year we will close it so it has been a bit of an adjustment. Not trying to blame him from all of this, but trying to ease my guilt on my selfishness. And trying to understand if his actions and words go together.

I go back and forth with giving up on the relationship, moving there for a year to try things out, suggesting he would come here. I just don’t feel good about any of the options. I also feel like this decision is on me. I would somehow like to turn it for him as well. I said that I really can’t wait till he is in his 40’s. He explained that he didn’t mean we would wait till then, but he could see being in his 40’s and happy in my country. He couldn’t explain it any better. So here I am trying not to cry every moment I think of him and trying to go on about my life and decide what I want from work, life and relationship.