Help! SO is still married

[LunaMarie29]

I need help. MY SO is from Spain and his "ex-wife" is from Guatemala. They got married in Guatemala on 2009. When we met in 2014, he said that he was divorced. But just this month, I discovered that they were not divorced legally. They just parted ways and didn't talk since 2014.

I just need advice. I'm not familiar with the rules and policies of other countries when it comes to marriage and separation/divorce. They can get back together anytime or the "ex-wife" can still claim his benefits since she's still the legal wife, right? I just think that this might become a roadblock if we decide to push farther with our relationship.

[hmrambling]

If it were me, I would not be concerned with rules and policies of other countries when it comes to separation and divorce, but I would be concerned about the fact that my SO represented himself as divorced when in fact, he is not.

When I first found LFAD, I was in a relationship with a woman who was separated for 3 or 4 years from her husband. They lived apart. However, they were not divorced. Over time I discovered that divorce was not in the near future (after having dated for a year.)

I asked myself this question: How I am going to plan a future with someone who is still married?

Granted, she was separated, but she was not divorced.

At the end of the relationship, I ultimately decided that I have no business planning a future with someone who is married regardless if she is legally separated or not.

My conscience would not allow me to continue to date a woman who was married, even if she was legally separated.

She was unavailable to me.

I would really be looking hard at the fact that he said he was divorced, and he is not divorced.

[differentcountries]

I assume they are not legally seperated. Depending on the divorce laws, he could get a divorce by proving they have lived apart for two years, or he will have to apply for seperation first and then divorce. He should contact a lawyer or the officials in his country if he does not know the rules. To get divorced, they need to settle their estate. This is something he needs to do, although you can of course tell him that this is important for your future, too. If they should decide to get back together, they have to live together for more than a year before she gets regular rights as his wife, if I remember it correctly. Are you worried they are not really over?

When I met my now husband, I was legally married to my ex. I had however filed for seperation. That meant that I could file for divorce a year later at the earilest. I think I filed for divorce a year and a half later. My ex, who was the one who broke up with me, was strangely upset that I filed for the divorce, like I was rocking the boat somehow, and actually wanted me to withdraw the application. I was like, I am not staying married to you just because you dont want to write "divorced" in public papers! My now husband says he felt like I was "half marrying him" by filing for divorce from the ex, because even if he had to wait some more years to get married, he knew it would be easy to do it.

Perhaps he said he was divorced because mentally, he was. But to plan a future with you, after all this time he needs to get a grip and do the official things to ends his marriage.

[sasad]

Depends on the country and or state.. in the US, you can't just get automatically divorced after being separated. They are two different things. In the US, states also have say. In Virginia, it's separated for 6 months, or 12 if you have minor children, before you can even file. Oh, and if you stay the night, innocently even, in the same house, that can cause the separation date to reset. Oh, and until they are divorced, even if they are separated, they are still conceidered married. So yes, she can get his benefits. So please, check the laws where he is at. We don't know.

As hm said...how can you plan anything when he is not available for you to plan with?
Now,

[differentcountries]

After 2 years and more living apart, he should be able to proceed with formal divorce proceedings. If she stays the night, I assume he invited her, and there is no reason why she should stay at his house of they are not even speaking, unless, of course, she owns the house.

Do you know if they have any joint property? Any children?

[ThePhoenixRises]

I have to respectfully disagree with those who are saying that you can't plan your future with someone who is only separated, and not yet divorced (my opinion only ). Because I am the partner in this situation who is separated, but is not yet divorced (if my law allowed it, I would already be divorced, but they make you wait over a year before you can even apply for a divorce). This has not stopped my SO and I discussing and planning our future, even though legally I am unavailable (not for much longer) - but in our case, it doesn't mean we can't talk about it - he accepts my situation and has no issues with it. My marriage was over long before the paperwork was submitted, and I couldn't be happier that I met my SO. Yes - I would prefer for my divorce to be final, however, life doesn't always have the best timing - so it is what it is. I am not going to walk away from something great just because I am 'legally unavailable'. I think each circumstance is individual - you just need to do what is best for you and your SO.

However, if that other person wasn't willing to start divorce proceedings - and was stalling - then yes, I would definitely understand not wanting to start planning a future with them. Has your SO talked to you about starting the proceedings or anything as yet?

However, I never have lied to my SO about it - he knew from the start what my relationship status was - and it was up to him at that time to make a decision of whether to go forward with it or not. It is more of an issue of dishonesty, in my opinion, the fact that your SO told you that he is divorced, when legally he isn't. That is what would bother me the most, not the actual status of the separation/divorce.

[LunaMarie29]

Yes, maybe mentally he thinks they are divorced. They didn't push through with the legal proceedings, they just didn't talk for nearly 3 years. For almost 2 years I thought he was divorced and I'm very vocal about spending my future with him. They don't have any children. As per benefits, I don't know, I don't want to ask him.

The topic about his "ex-wife" (EW) just came out last week when the EW called him because she wants to talk to him. He said the EW didn't mention why, so he's not sure if the EW wants to file for divorce to be married again. As for me, she may also want to get back to him. The supposed to be meet-up is last weekend. He hasn't told me anything yet. I've decided I won't ask him about it and let him tell me about what they talked about voluntarily.

I'm worried they will get back together.

[sasad]

I have to respectfully disagree with those who are saying that you can't plan your future with someone who is only separated, and not yet divorced (my opinion only ). Because I am the partner in this situation who is separated, but is not yet divorced (if my law allowed it, I would already be divorced, but they make you wait over a year before you can even apply for a divorce). This has not stopped my SO and I discussing and planning our future, even though legally I am unavailable (not for much longer) - but in our case, it doesn't mean we can't talk about it - he accepts my situation and has no issues with it. My marriage was over long before the paperwork was submitted, and I couldn't be happier that I met my SO. Yes - I would prefer for my divorce to be final, however, life doesn't always have the best timing - so it is what it is. I am not going to walk away from something great just because I am 'legally unavailable'. I think each circumstance is individual - you just need to do what is best for you and your SO.

However, if that other person wasn't willing to start divorce proceedings - and was stalling - then yes, I would definitely understand not wanting to start planning a future with them. Has your SO talked to you about starting the proceedings or anything as yet?

However, I never have lied to my SO about it - he knew from the start what my relationship status was - and it was up to him at that time to make a decision of whether to go forward with it or not. It is more of an issue of dishonesty, in my opinion, the fact that your SO told you that he is divorced, when legally he isn't. That is what would bother me the most, not the actual status of the separation/divorce.

Exactly. It's if he isn't telling her.... my state mandates 12 months with NO cohabitation, and can take months to get the final decree.. so yes, my so and I also made plans as we waited .

[LunaMarie29]

Maybe he's divorced mentally. I'm thinking that maybe he thought it would be fine since they lost contact already and it means no legal fees. Now, our future together is not that clear anymore

[LunaMarie29]

If it were me, I would not be concerned with rules and policies of other countries when it comes to separation and divorce, but I would be concerned about the fact that my SO represented himself as divorced when in fact, he is not.

When I first found LFAD, I was in a relationship with a woman who was separated for 3 or 4 years from her husband. They lived apart. However, they were not divorced. Over time I discovered that divorce was not in the near future (after having dated for a year.)

I asked myself this question: How I am going to plan a future with someone who is still married?

Granted, she was separated, but she was not divorced.

At the end of the relationship, I ultimately decided that I have no business planning a future with someone who is married regardless if she is legally separated or not.

My conscience would not allow me to continue to date a woman who was married, even if she was legally separated.

She was unavailable to me.

I would really be looking hard at the fact that he said he was divorced, and he is not divorced.

Maybe he's divorced mentally. I'm thinking that maybe he thought it would be fine since they lost contact already and it means no legal fees. Now, our future together is not that clear anymore

[LunaMarie29]

I assume they are not legally seperated. Depending on the divorce laws, he could get a divorce by proving they have lived apart for two years, or he will have to apply for seperation first and then divorce. He should contact a lawyer or the officials in his country if he does not know the rules. To get divorced, they need to settle their estate. This is something he needs to do, although you can of course tell him that this is important for your future, too. If they should decide to get back together, they have to live together for more than a year before she gets regular rights as his wife, if I remember it correctly. Are you worried they are not really over?

When I met my now husband, I was legally married to my ex. I had however filed for seperation. That meant that I could file for divorce a year later at the earilest. I think I filed for divorce a year and a half later. My ex, who was the one who broke up with me, was strangely upset that I filed for the divorce, like I was rocking the boat somehow, and actually wanted me to withdraw the application. I was like, I am not staying married to you just because you dont want to write "divorced" in public papers! My now husband says he felt like I was "half marrying him" by filing for divorce from the ex, because even if he had to wait some more years to get married, he knew it would be easy to do it.

Perhaps he said he was divorced because mentally, he was. But to plan a future with you, after all this time he needs to get a grip and do the official things to ends his marriage.

Yes, I'm worried that they might get back together. He is still not telling me what they've talked about, they were suppose to meet last weekend.

[LunaMarie29]

After 2 years and more living apart, he should be able to proceed with formal divorce proceedings. If she stays the night, I assume he invited her, and there is no reason why she should stay at his house of they are not even speaking, unless, of course, she owns the house.

Do you know if they have any joint property? Any children?

No children. Property? I don't know, I didn't ask about it eversince. I'm embarrassed to ask him about it.

[grupplegrup]

I know if getting married in the US or Australia, if you were previously married, you are required by law to show proof of divorce to get the marriage license. Even if it was in another country. Now, grated, it being another country it might not be too hard to pretend it just didn't happen ... but I'd much prefer the peace of mind.

[hmrambling]

Estranged ≠ divorced.

As I stated before, I would take issue with someone who misrepresented themselves to me. Either you have gone through the divorce proceedings or you have not. I made it clear to my partner that if she wasn't available to me, then I was not going to pursue the relationship.

I also looked at her motives for delaying the divorce. She had not even began the proceedings. That spoke volumes to me. Because she delayed the divorce, again, she was not available to me. I do not like being strung along, therefore I left that relationship. I later found someone who was and is available to me.

It perplexes me that people get into new relationships without resolving the past. It's like jumping into a relationship while you're still in an old relationship. No dice for me.

[Moon]

Estranged ≠ divorced.

As I stated before, I would take issue with someone who misrepresented themselves to me. Either you have gone through the divorce proceedings or you have not. I made it clear to my partner that if she wasn't available to me, then I was not going to pursue the relationship.

I also looked at her motives for delaying the divorce. She had not even began the proceedings. That spoke volumes to me. Because she delayed the divorce, again, she was not available to me. I do not like being strung along, therefore I left that relationship. I later found someone who was and is available to me.

It perplexes me that people get into new relationships without resolving the past. It's like jumping into a relationship while you're still in an old relationship. No dice for me.

Agreed, except sometimes things aren't so black & white. I'd been separated for quite some time before my relationship started, but still legally married. I'd had some fun in between, but I knew this has good potential and it didn't feel right to still be married and I wanted to be divorced before we met.

So, I got a lawyer. ponied up a bunch of cash, had the soon to be ex served, everything was uncontested, we worked out the terms between us. We both signed off and the paperwork was filed. It was supposed to be final in something like 30 days, maybe a bit more. All's good right?

Nope.

At about the same time, at the exact same courthouse, John and Kate Gosselin (John and Kate +8 train wreck reality stars) filed for their messy, tabloid, exploitative divorce. The paparazzi were there daily, all the stupid gossip shows were everywhere, the couple trashing each other on the courthouse steps, ugh, you get the picture

My little, normal person divorce ended up taking over 6 months thanks to that mess. The divorce finally came through about three weeks before my trip to meet him.

So yeah, I guess my point is that sometimes your past is resolved, but the actions, or lack thereof, are sometimes just beyond your control. I'm not so sure that's the case for the OP, but it was for me.