Doubts creeping in

[bittersalt]

Hi, I wrote this post to get something off my chest. Sorry if it's long and drawn out but I hope you could help me and share any insights regarding similar experiences. Thank you.

My SO and I have been together for 2 years, friends for 4. We haven't met yet. I have anxiety issues (and probably depression), and he has a very positive outlook in life. I used to talk to him much more frequently, but now it's just once or twice a week, despite being told that i never text or call too much. I worry that if I talk to him as frequently as before, I will grow more and more dependent on him with each passing day. And there were certainly moments wherein I felt like I was obsessed with him. So much that I would spend hours upon hours beating myself up for being like that. I have brought up the issue of obsession a couple of times jokingly, and he tells me calmly that admitting it is the first step in curing it and that he will be with me all the way to help, and I'm fine for the day. A couple of good days (weeks, sometimes months) pass and I tell him another one of my worries, and he tells me that it'll be fine and he's there to help. Sometimes I would think out loud (I have very negative, intrusive thoughts) that would lead the conversation downhill and most of the time it ends up in someone mentioning the word breaking up. Not me telling him to break up, just me wondering if we would both be happier apart or something like that. I've been having that thought in the back of my head for a while now and sometimes I wake up feeling like I have the strength to break up but find out later on that I can't.

I think it all started when we had a big fight wherein the conversation had been drawn to an uncomfortable point and he told me to make a decision whether to continue our relationship or break up. I was very hurt. I knew I was partly to blame because I did say some things that probably hurt him, but he knew they were my worries and just thoughts. Instead, he decided to turn off his phone and ignore me for about a week or two or maybe even three, all the time I was just hurting and crying. We made up and made a promise not to do that again. It's almost been a year since that happened, but I swear every time our conversations go down a particular steep slope, I fear that he might pull that on me again and maybe leave me without a word.

[maybesomeday]

Hi, I wrote this post to get something off my chest. Sorry if it's long and drawn out but I hope you could help me and share any insights regarding similar experiences. Thank you.

My SO and I have been together for 2 years, friends for 4. We haven't met yet. I have anxiety issues (and probably depression), and he has a very positive outlook in life. I used to talk to him much more frequently, but now it's just once or twice a week, despite being told that i never text or call too much. I worry that if I talk to him as frequently as before, I will grow more and more dependent on him with each passing day. And there were certainly moments wherein I felt like I was obsessed with him. So much that I would spend hours upon hours beating myself up for being like that. I have brought up the issue of obsession a couple of times jokingly, and he tells me calmly that admitting it is the first step in curing it and that he will be with me all the way to help, and I'm fine for the day. A couple of good days (weeks, sometimes months) pass and I tell him another one of my worries, and he tells me that it'll be fine and he's there to help. Sometimes I would think out loud (I have very negative, intrusive thoughts) that would lead the conversation downhill and most of the time it ends up in someone mentioning the word breaking up. Not me telling him to break up, just me wondering if we would both be happier apart or something like that. I've been having that thought in the back of my head for a while now and sometimes I wake up feeling like I have the strength to break up but find out later on that I can't.

I think it all started when we had a big fight wherein the conversation had been drawn to an uncomfortable point and he told me to make a decision whether to continue our relationship or break up. I was very hurt. I knew I was partly to blame because I did say some things that probably hurt him, but he knew they were my worries and just thoughts. Instead, he decided to turn off his phone and ignore me for about a week or two or maybe even three, all the time I was just hurting and crying. We made up and made a promise not to do that again. It's almost been a year since that happened, but I swear every time our conversations go down a particular steep slope, I fear that he might pull that on me again and maybe leave me without a word.

This sounds a lot like my situation, with a few differences. I've suffered anxiety and depression for years, and even though I have overcome them both for the most part, they're still a part of me and they do creep up on me in certain moments. I'm also not the initiator of the conversations between me and my SO, and he's often commented on it. But I have voiced that I worry I'll be bothering him, even though he has assured me I could never be a bother and that I'm free to message at any time. Somehow that still doesn't change my mindset. To add to that, we already talk so much as it is and I don't want to start even more conversations due to the same reason you've mentioned; if we talk too often, I know my attachment to him will only grow more, to an unhealthy level, and it will turn into a form of obsession. I've depended on people before, and I don't want that to be the case in this relationship; relying on someone and making decisions and living your life revolved around one other person just isn't healthy.

In my case, I have been the one to "threaten" break-ups and blocking him on all forms of contact. This is during arguments, or when I feel a slight change in the way we talk or our schedule. I have blocked him on a few occasions, an embarrassing amount, and each time I have noticed his patience decrease and his optimism for our relationship fizzle. Most times I realise the error of how I've reacted to something we could have easily sorted out, and I fall into self-pitying mode and bring up the idea of taking a break or distancing our feelings and maybe try to be friends; I feel like he deserves to be treated with more respect. I know getting blocked is hurtful, and I've seen the damage I have done. I know the issues I have, and I know I am impulsive and often aloof. But I've never been able to say goodbye officially; I've tried, and I've suggested temporary scenarios, but he refuses every time to break up or put our relationship on hold. His response is simply just, "Work on your mood swings, stop blocking me, and we'll be fine." I admire him staying despite putting him through a lot, though he has admitted there is a change in his optimism about our future, but that he still sees one with me if I work on my "problems."

Even though in my situation I have been the one to question our relationship, and your partner was the one to question yours, I understand your fear. My partner probably fears the same. I suppose when things have become stagnant, or reached an uncomfortable point, there's two options: take a day or two to breath and think, or talk it out then and there and find out together why it's reached this point. Your partner has seemed dedicated based on what you've written so far, I don't think he would leave without a word. Good luck, either way.

[bittersalt]

Hi. Thank you for your input on this. Your experience does have a lot of similarities to mine.

Not wanting to bother me, he said, was the reason he didn't initiate conversations. And I understand that, I don't mind being the one to always reach out first although I'm lying if I said that I don't feel a bit bad after a while of all that. But I've gotten past that, it's a small detail really in the grand scheme of things.

About the doubting, I actually began questioning our relationship a lot ever since that one incident happened. I get that feeling of wanting to take a break or making ourselves scarce to each other bit - usually after some misunderstandings I ask him if he needs that and surprisingly, he always says no. Recently he told me that if we were to take a break or something like that he might just end up shutting me out completely, and with a clear head during that time I understood that I really need to be with him because he seemed to be going through some tough times. He rarely, very rarely, tells me (or rather hints) about his problems because he wants to deal with these alone, which I respect, but sometimes I just wish I could also help ease his pain, just as he eases mine.

Most of the time after some misunderstanding, I find myself going through our conversation and looking for where it all went down. And so the torture of obsessive worrying starts. Sometimes, when I am really bored, I even go through random conversations and when I read something that I knew I cried over or felt bad about, I just laugh and realize how much anxiety really screws with my thinking. I guess with my issues the best time to talk with him would be the times I could see past the fog of my anxiety.