New to LDR

[charcharz]

Hello,

Really needing some advice on how to handle a LDR. My boyfriend has been travelling to Australia for work since August 2016 now, and each month the trips were getting longer and he has been going there for a month at a time and home for 2-3 weeks then going back again. All the travelling was putting quite a bit of strain on the relationship and things weren't really going well and there was a couple of occasions where we questioned our relationship but both decided we wanted to try and make this work and didn't want to end it.
Just after Christmas he was asked to go out there permanently for a promotion, and he has accepted the position. I will be staying in the UK while he goes as the position is only going to be for about a year possibly less.

He is currently out there as we speak and doesn't get back till February, and all I keep doing is just checking my phone every 5 seconds to see if he has texted me, wondering what he's up to, who he's with, I know he made friends with another girl out there who he spends a lot of time with which I'm not to keen on either, especially as he has been lying to me about spending time with her, and I am just driving myself insane worrying all the time. He is terrible at keeping in contact as well which doesn't help the situation. And I just don't know how to stop checking and stop worrying, and just learn to get on with my own life, because I know that if I don't this is never going to work! and the next year is just going to be unbearable!

Any tips that you have would be really appreciated!
Thanks.

[kittyo9]

Hey, welcome to the forum! You're definitely in the right place!

He is currently out there as we speak and doesn't get back till February, and all I keep doing is just checking my phone every 5 seconds to see if he has texted me, wondering what he's up to, who he's with, I know he made friends with another girl out there who he spends a lot of time with which I'm not to keen on either, especially as he has been lying to me about spending time with her, and I am just driving myself insane worrying all the time. He is terrible at keeping in contact as well which doesn't help the situation. And I just don't know how to stop checking and stop worrying, and just learn to get on with my own life, because I know that if I don't this is never going to work! and the next year is just going to be unbearable!

Sorry to kind of get right into the nitty-gritty, but this jumped out at me immediately... why in the world is he lying to you about spending time with her? Why is there any lying going on at all? I understand that you're worried about him and the distance, and lord knows we all understand how much of a strain the distance can put on a relationship, but I don't think that's grounds to hide things from an SO. Is this something you've discussed with him?

[charcharz]

Hi Kittyo9,

thanks for replying!! I don't know why he's lying about it, I have questioned him about her and he said he met her through a work friend out there and she hangs out with them sometimes, however through a bit of instagram stalking on her page it looks like he's been hanging out with her a lot more times than he has been letting on! he said that there is nothing going on with her and that he's just a friend of a friend and they just hang out, and that he wants to make this relationship work and that he has absolutely no intentions on meeting any one else out there and that he's just there to work!
I know he does lie to me about stuff because he doesn't want me to get upset, I suffer with anxiety so I just worry about everything in general all the time, so I think in his weird way he thinks by hiding it from me he's helping me, but it just makes it look even worse when I do find out!

his last trip was for a month just before Christmas, and that was just after things had got quite bad with us, so whilst he was away for that trip he barely kept in contact and it was just the worst and that was the worst. we had a really good Christmas when he came back and then the move came up and we had a very very long conversation about this girl and a lot of things and both agreed we would make this work because neither of us wanted to end it, and I explained to him what worried me and what I expected from him with regards to contact and telling me if he hangs out with her, and he was saying all the right things to me and I was feeling good about it all. but now he's there my anxiety is going through the roof and im just terrified its all going to go back to how things were! he went this Tuesday and today was his first day there properly and the contact hasn't been great and im already going crazy (which I know is silly) but I don't know how to stop myself going crazy and just chill out, I know im probably worrying over nothing!

[differentcountries]

When you say "terrible about keeping in contact", do you mean over the 11 hour time difference? Are you in tough every day?

He should not be lying to you, but is he really? If he is going to live there for a year, he is going to need friends, even if he is "just there for work". Ask him about this female friend, and about male friends he might have, really treat the situation as if he is now LIVING THERE because he is, you know.

If it is his first day at work, in a job he will have for at least a year, it makes a lot of sense that he is not in contact a lot. You have to try to give the man some space. Perhaps try to scedule some time to keep in touch after his first week is over.

[charcharz]

So far this trip he has txted me everyday and we have had a phone call last night, but its only been 3 days! on his last trip he was going 4/5 days without even texting me! and that happened for the whole trip.
He has a habit of going online all day long (obviously texting and replying to other people) and not even reading my messages and leaving it the whole day before even replying if he does at all, then all I get is sorry I was busy i'll text you later, then he doesn't and then its the same response the next day.
we have an 8 hour time difference so I know its difficult and I know he is really busy with work but I just feel like he could be making more of an effort, and every time I bring it up he says he will be better and make an effort and says all the right things to my face to make it better but never actually follows through on it.
Maybe I need to just stop being so needy and learn that its okay not to speak everyday and to just let him get on with it, and that if he doesn't contact me it doesn't mean anything bad!

yeah you are right I know I need to give him some space and get on with my own life, and I know he is going to be really busy in his job now for the next year, and there is a lot of pressure on him at his job.

I have got myself in to the very very bad habit of having my life revolve around him, and now I don't know how to get out of that and stop worrying every 5 minutes about who he's with, and what he's doing and why he hasn't texted me!
any ideas???

[kittyxuchiha11]

I have got myself in to the very very bad habit of having my life revolve around him, and now I don't know how to get out of that and stop worrying every 5 minutes about who he's with, and what he's doing and why he hasn't texted me!
any ideas???

Find something that keeps you busy like a hobby or seeing friends more. My SO and I both don't have a lot of free time so we don't have much time to talk so she's now taken to writing me letters when i'm busy and she wants to talk, maybe you could try something like that? I sent her a little book full of love letter writing prompts and she likes to write a few of those to me, of course you can also simply just write down whats on your mind and never show it to your SO, it's just something to keep your mind busy. if that isn't something that interests you there's a whole bunch of things you can get into to keep you busy, you just need to try find something that works for you because really keepign busy and your mind off things is all any of us can ever do.

[Sparkling72]

So, if we're going with the fact that he's lying to you to "protect you" from your own anxiety, then I think he could at least text or email a "good morning, have a great day" message and a "good night, sleep well, love you" message, especially if he knows how anxious you are. I'm sorry, but that takes very minimal effort to send 2 messages a day. With that said... yea, you need to give yourself breathing room and chill out. Forget about her, or at least don't keep bringing her up. When you email him or text him, are they happy and cheerful texts that he would want to receive, or are your messages the "where have you been?" accusing type? Food for thought.

Going off of what you have posted, I will say from experience, that people stay in LDRs because they want to be with that person. You said he wants to be with you, then keep giving him a reason to want your relationship. Keep giving him reasons to hate the distance apart, don't make him grateful to be away. Also, be an independent woman. I don't "need" my boyfriend, I "want" my boyfriend in my life. I complete myself, I am a whole person - see my distinction. Get to know who you are without him there all the time, re-discover you! You might find parts of you that you'd lost - maybe even some parts he'd fallen in love with when you two first met. Yes, it sucks bad!! Real bad!! I miss him so much it aches and yea, I cry too... but I put on my big girl pants, suck it up, and go on with my life. I keep myself busy with work and friends, I think of him often and I find comfort in knowing that he's doing the same.