BF Suicidal if I Leave Him (TW - Suicide)

[agwith]

I want to leave my boyfriend, Jamie, but I'm afraid that if I do, he'll kill himself.

A little bit of backstory: Twice before we dated I had to talk him out of killing himself. About three or four times during our relationship, so far, he's tried to/I've talked him out of it. The last time he tried, he ran away, overdosed, had a seizure and then woke up and went to his counselor where his friends found him (everyone was looking for him all night. He was missing for about a day). He's also attempted hanging and such things in the past when he was younger.

So I'm just wondering if anyone's had to leave a SO who would very much commit suicide and wasn't just talking and doing no walking. He definitely talks the talk and walks the walk. I'm terrified he'll kill himself if I leave, and I don't know how to make sure he won't or ensure he'll be okay.

[Chris516]

I want to leave my boyfriend, Jamie, but I'm afraid that if I do, he'll kill himself.

A little bit of backstory: Twice before we dated I had to talk him out of killing himself. About three or four times during our relationship, so far, he's tried to/I've talked him out of it. The last time he tried, he ran away, overdosed, had a seizure and then woke up and went to his counselor where his friends found him (everyone was looking for him all night. He was missing for about a day). He's also attempted hanging and such things in the past when he was younger.

So I'm just wondering if anyone's had to leave a SO who would very much commit suicide and wasn't just talking and doing no walking. He definitely talks the talk and walks the walk. I'm terrified he'll kill himself if I leave, and I don't know how to make sure he won't or ensure he'll be okay.

My (ex)fiance threatened it a number of times. I told her that, if she had truly meant it. There were plenty more ways in the apartment, other than her meds. Because she would only threaten to OD. I started counting her meds daily. To make sure I knew if she had tried it behind my back. Since I have bad insomnia, she was never able to do that.

One time she nearly stuck a fork in a plugged in toaster. I caught her before she did. She was only trying to get a piece of toast, out of the toaster. So, I knew it wasn't a suicidal gesture on her part.

[Moon]

I think you need to speak to a professional about this, and not trying to figure this out with anonymous internet people. This is incredibly unfair to you, to try forcing you to live with this kind of guilt, and making you stay with someone you don't want. Usually, people are so full of shit when they say these things, but it doesn't seem that way in this case. Are you a student? If so, your school should have professionals available. Don't try going about this on your own, talk to someone who can help you with what to do. Also, does he have family you can reach out to? Maybe even try the suicide hotline. Good luck, I hope you can sort this out.

[80anthea]

You have to realise that you cannot control the actions of anyone else. You should also never feel obligated to stay in a relationship you don't want to. I see your SO is in England. Pass him the details of the Samaritans https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-ca...you/contact-us they are an amazing organisation with a free phone number that are used to talking to suicidal people.

If I were in your shoes I would end the relationship but not suddenly and try and do it when he is calm. Do you have the contact details of his parents? Maybe warn them so they can look out for him.

[differentcountries]

It might be that he tries to kill himself if you leave, but he has also tried to kill himself while you were dating and even before you dated. It seems that the issue is not really you leaving, but him constantly trying to not live anymore. I am not sure he should be even walking around, and it does sound like he is trying to get comitted to an institution (I have friends who sadly had to try to kill themselves a few times before they got any real help).

I would notify his friends and family prior to ending it, and if he threatened to kill himself on being given the message I would call the local police as a suicide attempt warning.

[Sparkling72]

Like many have already said.. you need to get his parents involved, period!! And no, you are not responsible for his actions, even if it's something that horrible. The only way I (personally) would feel his suicide was my fault, was if I didn't tell his family about it. Without knowing the whole story... I try to sit down with him and his parents (or whatever close relatives) and put it all out there on the table. I would say I'm breaking up with him, he is now threatening to kill himself. I feel they should be fully aware of this and I am now going to block him on my phone, social media, etc... and if necessary, get a restraining order. But that's just me and I don't mess around when it comes to mental disturbance in people, you never know what they are capable of, even if you think they are bluffing. Hind sight is always 20/20.

[kittyo9]

A lot of good advice has been mentioned already, but I will also include this as an example. I have a very good friend whose ex boyfriend threatened to kill himself when she tried to leave him. He had a history of suicide attempts and depression and would often hold the relationship hostage during negotiations. They were living together in an apartment that she mostly paid for and he wasn't working consistently. When she finally decided to leave him, she had him involuntarily committed, as he was considered a danger to himself. They kept him for several days, which was enough time for her to clean up her life, get his things out of the apartment, and cut off contact.

It was very scary for her and it was not easy by any means, but she had to get out of the relationship, as he was controlling her through threats. It was unhealthy for both of them.

Also, just a reminder that it is not your fault and you are not responsible for his mental health problems, no matter how guilty you might feel. Do what's best for you. I agree with attempting to contact his parents and explain what is happening so that they can take appropriate actions.

[Chris516]

You have to realise that you cannot control the actions of anyone else. You should also never feel obligated to stay in a relationship you don't want to. I see your SO is in England. Pass him the details of the Samaritans https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-ca...you/contact-us they are an amazing organisation with a free phone number that are used to talking to suicidal people.

If I were in your shoes I would end the relationship but not suddenly and try and do it when he is calm. Do you have the contact details of his parents? Maybe warn them so they can look out for him.

OP, This is good advice.

While it is one thing to stay in a relationship out of compassion and concern. When the other individual is using emotional abuse and manipulation as a response to your kindness. That is the time to get out.

My (ex)fiance tried to be very manipulative. She accused me of not letting her do what she wanted. What she wanted was the continual 'diagnoses' of me, frivolous spending, along with her occasional suicidal threats. Once when we had to prepare to move. I wasn't going to take the risk of expecting her to have 50% of the moving fee along with the first months' rent at the new place. I saved for, and paid for it, all on my own.

She even made an unfounded criminal allegation several years ago.

Your SO sounds like he has Borderline Personality Disorder. No I am not a doctor. But in all the reading I did on my (ex)fiance's behavior during the relationship. Multiple suicide attempts can a sign of it.

Get out while you can.

[agwith]

It might be that he tries to kill himself if you leave, but he has also tried to kill himself while you were dating and even before you dated. It seems that the issue is not really you leaving, but him constantly trying to not live anymore. I am not sure he should be even walking around, and it does sound like he is trying to get comitted to an institution (I have friends who sadly had to try to kill themselves a few times before they got any real help).

I would notify his friends and family prior to ending it, and if he threatened to kill himself on being given the message I would call the local police as a suicide attempt warning.

I agree with your first two sentences. He is tired of living, but he's also told me I'm the only reason he's alive. That I was his last chance to find hope, is along the lines of what he said. This is when we first started dating, and at the time I didn't feel threatened by it because in a way, I was pretty close to offing myself but he came alone and kind of helped me feel better about life. He's said and also always given off that vibe that I'm the only thing keeping him alive because I'm a constant in his life. I'm the one person who's always been there even on his bad days when he wouldn't talk to me for weeks. I'd still message him and update him.

So I'm convinced and scared that I am the only thing keeping him alive. That, if I stay with him, he has a chance of not going through with killing himself. But, if I leave then it's a definite fact that he will try to kill himself.

He was put through tons of therapy and has tried a lot of different pills, and is currently still on meds. He's gotten therapy, he was in a counselling/volunteer programme for a while and through it he got his own flat and a job at a bar because when he ran away and overdosed, it got everyone's attention (he had been living with his mother and she's very horrible. she doesn't care that he's tried to kill himself, she didn't even panic from what I heard from his friends - they were the ones who ran to his mom's house and told her he'd run away and overdosed).

I'm unable to call his local police due to restrictions on my phone plan etc., so the best I can think is to warn his friends... I was intending on doing that, but yeah. I mainly just wondered if anyone had been in this situation before, where you couldn't handle it in person and how you ensured no one tried to commit.

Thank you for replying

[hmrambling]

I would first like to remind you that you are not responsible for his actions, or what he does in the future.

My first girlfriend was suicidal. Genuinely suicidal or not, an 'if, then' statement around suicide is manipulation. "If you leave me, I will kill myself." "If you ever leave, I will kill myself." These are manipulative statements intended to entrap the partner of the suicidal person. I encourage anyone who has been told this to understand that such a statement is manipulation. You are not responsible for the actions of other people, therefore you are not at fault if you choose to leave. Nor are you responsible for him being alive.

My first girlfriend used to cut herself and had suicidal ideations. We tried to work through things so long that we fell apart. It is exhausting to try to stay with someone who plans their own suicide and credits you for living. I was never the air she breathed, or food she ate, but you would have thought that I was the sustenance in her life. It is unfair and manipulative to put such a responsibility on a person, that if a partner leaves that the other partner would kill themselves. We were young, and she really believed that she could not make it without me.

But in actuality what happened was that we had a sick, enmeshed codependent relationship with very few boundaries, and it sucked the life right out of each one of us so much so that we were each exhausted by the end of the relationship. She came from a family with zero stability, and I used to wonder what would happen when we broke up. Here it is 23 years later and she helps oversee a national park in the New England area and has been happy in a relationship for years now. Turns out she didn't need me to exist.

I said all that to say that I am neither responsible for her success or failures, life or death. She is ultimately responsible for all of that... and it's okay to leave and take care of yourself. Whatever the outcome, you are not responsible for it. In my situation, I could say that there is no 100% way that I could have ensured that she would not commit suicide. I didn't warn friends or family or call the police. At the point in time that I left the situation, I left in order to protect my own mental health from the relationship that had preceded the past three years and to take care of myself. Regardless what you do, or how you leave, you are not responsible for his actions. Take care of yourself.

[ChloChlo]

I agree with others who suggest calling a professional. If you call a local or national suicide hotline and explain the situation, they will talk with you and give you great advice on what you can do, and help you navigate your own emotions during this. I had a friend who went through this, where the person was a suicide risk and tried to keep them together using that. She called the hotline and they were wonderful and very helpful for her. I know how scary and difficult this must for you emotionally as well, to have this put on you.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.