End of LDR - Need Advice

[Aussie17]

I have been in a long distance relationship for 3.5 years, I am in Australia while he is in America.
At the start of last month he told me this was getting too hard for him and that he wants to have me now, but knows he can't. For me it honestly came out of nowhere, and it hurt me a lot when he told me that his best friend (a girl I had only found out about 2 weeks prior) had opened his eyes up in a long conversation they had had about our relationship. When I tried to talk about it and tell him how much I loved him etc. he got defensive and said the plan we had made was never going to work, and that it was all a fantasy that sounded really good. Our plan has always been for him to move to Australia (because that's what he wanted to do), we get married, start a family, and live happily-ever-after out here. In the last few weeks he has said that he will be getting his own place soon and wants someone to come home to, someone to wake up with and go on adventures with etc. which surprised me because it seems as if he has now decided to just build a life out there. When I asked if he had ever planned to move to Australia and live our plan he got defensive and said of course he had. He then gave me an ultimatum that he would only work on this and stay together if I went over to America to visit him for his birthday which is in September. This REALLY hurt me. In 3.5 years I have never given him an ultimatum and now he's telling me that he'll only stay with me if I fly over there to see him, I don't think it's fair. Either he wants to be with me and work on it, or he doesn't.
We've been going back and forth since then and have had a few more arguments, but at this point I feel like he's already made his decision to end it. Every time I have asked him if he wants to end it or be with me his response has been the same "I don't know". It's been really difficult for me to deal with this as I feel like I have no one to talk to because no one really understands a LDR unless you've been in one yourself. It has felt like I've just been trying to convince him to be with me and trying to make him see that I'm worth it. He has told me he loves me throughout it all, but it all just hurts so bad. This morning I told him that I loved him and that I feel like he's already made up his mind and that by me trying to hold on I'm just adding to my own heartbreak. I said I think the best thing for us to do right now is to let it go. He didn't take it well at all, he told me that he wishes me the best and that "he's good". When I said to him about us not going back to being strangers (he had previously said he didn't want to) he said "It really doesn't matter to me". He also said that it's obvious he is not going to get what he wants - I'm not sure if he means having me right now, or me visiting him for his birthday. My heart is literally broken. He's the one that wanted to end the relationship but I think he dragged it on for so long and kept telling me "IDK" so that I would be the one to break it off and he wouldn't have to. I feel like he's given me no choice.
We are both at fault. In 3.5 years we should have visited one another and we should have made an end date for us to be together, but I feel like he is putting all the blame on me. The plan was always to move to Australia, but it's like he's been expecting me to move to America. If that had been the case I wouldn't have spent so much time and effort into looking into options for him to come out here.
I'm just all over the place at the moment, any advice on if it's the right thing to do or if you've been in the same position would be great...

[Moon]

First, I don't think it's anybody's fault, I think your relationship just fizzled out. This can happen when you never manage to meet and years go by. I'm sure the mysterious best friend just accelerated what would have probably happened anyway, but years of LD with no plan to even meet is sometimes more than someone can handle, and it sounds like that's what happened to him. Nobody is worth it if you never meet each other and only have vague plans of someone maybe moving someday.

Maybe you just need to let it go for right now, and not talk or a couple of weeks, so you both can think. Some space may make it easier to decide what you want to do, but should you decide to work it out, I would make concrete plans to meet as soon as you can.

[rache82]

First of all, hello from a fellow Aussie.
I'm so very very very sorry to hear this. My first LDR of last year ended like that. He just said he couldn't do it, but I didn't feel he really gave us a go. I guess, your one did give you two a longer trial, but I guess sadly LDR's aren't for everyone.
It really sucks that people can get into other people's head because these are probably the same ones that wouldn't know how successful LDRs could be if it hit them on the head as they haven't ever been in one.

I'm lucky this time in that a couple of "friends" of my current SO tried to talk him out of it, but he wasn't hearing of it; he was actually quite upset that they weren't happy for him. But I'm just making a point; seriously don't want to go on about my success when you're so down. But I'm trying to say to you that some people may just be having doubts and then someone else will just weaken them even more.
Again, I'm so sorry. So very very sorry.
Your heart will heal given time. And, no by the way, it's not fair at all that he is trying to give you an ultimatum. If he really wants to talk to you in person, he could come out here.
*big hugs* so sorry again.
I wish you all the best in the future.

[Aussie17]

Thanks so much for your reply, it makes me feel a little bit better knowing that you are a fellow Aussie loving another American.
It's just so hard. I have been thinking a lot and I guess I always kind of knew it might never actually happen, I mean it's been 3.5 years and we've never even met. I was in America in 2015 and we did plan to meet up one day but when it came to the day I didn't hear from him, when he contacted me the following day he just said something came up and he wasn't able to meet me like we'd planned. At that point we were about a year into our official relationship but we'd never even said I love you, so I don't hold a grudge against him for it, but that's been the only time when we had a chance to meet one another. I just feel like it's been 3.5 years and nothing has happened, he hasn't come to visit me and he hasn't set a date to move out here. I know moving is such a big commitment and it would be hard (I never pressured or rushed him because of those facts), but he always reassured me that it would happen and he would never give up on it.
I think the thing that worries me about the ultimatum is that he's practically telling me he will only stay with me if I do what he says - which I don't think is fair. He's always been the one to have the power in the relationship (the one with the power to move out here and make our plan happen), and I feel like if I just say 'Okay yes, I will come to see you so you stay with me' then he's going to think it's okay to give me ultimatums because I will do it every time. I have also been thinking about what will happen after (if I was to go visit him) like in a month or two after I returned home would he want to break up with me again because we weren't together? I just think visiting each other might make it harder if there is really no chance of him moving to Australia (and same with me to America, even though he has said he doesn't want me to move there, he's the one who wants to move). I'm just so confused with everything.
Sorry it's so long, but it's been quite hard not having anyone to talk to who really understands a LDR.
I am so happy for you that your current relationship is going so well, and I did see that you will be meeting soon which is so exciting :-)

[rache82]

e[QUOTE=Aussie17;433468]Thanks so much for your reply, it makes me feel a little bit better knowing that you are a fellow Aussie loving another American.
It's just so hard. I have been thinking a lot and I guess I always kind of knew it might never actually happen, I mean it's been 3.5 years and we've never even met. I was in America in 2015 and we did plan to meet up one day but when it came to the day I didn't hear from him, when he contacted me the following day he just said something came up and he wasn't able to meet me like we'd planned. At that point we were about a year into our official relationship but we'd never even said I love you, so I don't hold a grudge against him for it, but that's been the only time when we had a chance to meet one another. I just feel like it's been 3.5 years and nothing has happened, he hasn't come to visit me and he hasn't set a date to move out here. I know moving is such a big commitment and it would be hard (I never pressured or rushed him because of those facts), but he always reassured me that it would happen and he would never give up on it.
I think the thing that worries me about the ultimatum is that he's practically telling me he will only stay with me if I do what he says

Trust me, I was in a local long-term relationship last year and he wanted all the power - it's not good.
And you're right; Not a good idea to meet at all if you don't know how things are going to turn out.

There are a number of others with Australia/America relationships on here but they are hard to find. If you ever want to talk further, feel free to PM me.
Best of luck.

[sasad]

It's one of those times where i have to say..let him go... Seriously, stop making excuses for him/. The fact that you planned to meet him when you visited, and he ghosted without a word, is a Nono.. something came up and he couldn't call or let you know? And you say its ok cuz he never said I love you? Honey, that was rude. Friends dont do that . I also dont like the fact he controls and manipulates and seeme to blame you for things. It does take two to make this work. And if he is not willing, then let him go. You deserve so much better.

[Karura]

Okay, I'm going to put my two cents on the table, because I know how manipulative people can get and he's doing something really bad. He's the one who's in doubt and yet he is giving you an ultimatum to see him, when he didn't tell you anything when you guys had the chance to meet. Talk about wasting your money and time. What about his efforts? If anything, you're the one who deserves proof that he is serious about you and not just talk. He's not worth it.

[xxcazaxx]

You deserve someone who wants you for you and doesn't have to think about it!

[erwin1973]

It is not easy for me to have a strong dislike for people, usually I have sympathy for most, but your American doesn't get my sympathy after reading your topic and reply.
In my first marriage, my (now ex) wife was very, very manipulative (is that a word?). She had used emotional blackmail on my for over 10 years daily, and now I have learned to recognize it on sight. And @ OP, believe me, he is / was using that on you.
I may sound hard, and I know it's difficult, but if I was in that situation, I would call it a day.
I am sorry to hear you have been treated like that - no-one deserves that.

[sasad]

It is not easy for me to have a strong dislike for people, usually I have sympathy for most, but your American doesn't get my sympathy after reading your topic and reply.
In my first marriage, my (now ex) wife was very, very manipulative (is that a word?). She had used emotional blackmail on my for over 10 years daily, and now I have learned to recognize it on sight. And @ OP, believe me, he is / was using that on you.
I may sound hard, and I know it's difficult, but if I was in that situation, I would call it a day.
I am sorry to hear you have been treated like that - no-one deserves that.

Maybe use so instead of "Your American" we are people and British and Spanish etc can be just as bad..

[erwin1973]

You seem to like to try to put me off my feet, Sasad. But read it again before you make yourself ridiculous. I was talking to OP, who happens to have an American SO.
"Your American" is something quite different that 'You Americans', what you seemed to be willing to read.
Thank you.

[sasad]

You seem to like to try to put me off my feet, Sasad. But read it again before you make yourself ridiculous. I was talking to OP, who happens to have an American SO.
"Your American" is something quite different that 'You Americans', what you seemed to be willing to read.
Thank you.

Actually no I don't. But you seem to take offense at anyone that has a different opinion than you and seem to be pretty damn aggressive as well. Just like the auto-adoption thing with a child. Another person showed you a link that showed what really happens and you ignored it. I don't make myself ridiculous. That's not the correct usage of that word. Take a pill or two and chill out. Or take your aggression and anger somewhere else. Seriously, have a better day!

[Rezie]

I was about to write that I can personally relate to your boyfriend but since you guys haven't even met yet I'm not really sure. I can understand that building a life with someone you have never met is quite out here. I'm sure the ultimatum was something he has been thinking about wanting to meet for long but it just came out now when it went over his abilities to handle it. I think that meeting this new person brought up the idea for him how he wanted a short distance relationship. Could be that now that there is an opportunity with this new person he would like to experience meeting you before committing to them or changing his life to be with you. I've personally noticed that when there is no specific plan there is this feeling of limbo where you can't build your own life and you have time to ponder things. and honestly given the situation with my boyfriend my answers to his questions are I don't know because I really don't know how to proceed.

That being said I'm not defending him or speaking for him. I just hope this gives you a bit of a perspective that it might not be a sudden thing. But him not meeting you when you were in America as planned was extremely shitty especially if he didn't have a very good excuse. You should move on and accept it. Don't think of anything as a waste or try to blame yourself or him,. These things happen and you can learn from it. Good luck with everything.

[Aussie17]

Thank you all so much for your advice and opinions on this, they have really helped me to see things from another perspective other than my own.
At the end of the day I know it's over, and it's probably for the best. It hurts but I guess it will get easier in time. I don't hate him nor do I blame him for everything that has/hasn't happened - I suppose it all happened for a reason. Again, thanks so much for taking time out of your day to respond. It really means a lot :-)