LDR we both have kids ..who moves

[Amerikiwi]

I live in America and he is in New Zealand. We recently met for the first time and it was perfect ! We are more in love now than ever, but...now we are at a loss on what to do to make the distance end. He has a three year old son and an ex that would fight tooth and nail to make sure he couldn't take him to the US (understandably). And I have a 3 year old (I have shared custody) and an 8 year (I am the custodial parent) old ...both with different fathers ...my state orders that if I move out of country I lose all custody ... we have already committed to not giving up on the relationship regardless if a move is possible or not ..but my question is ..what should eventually happen..should I wait till my sons are old enough to understand better or decide to come with me (at age 14 they get to choose where they want to live) ...or do I go now and try to work out some agreement on visitation with the dads ?

[R&R]

I can only tell you from my experience. My daughters were 12 and 13 when I moved from NH to CA. They chose to stay in NH during the school year and spend summers and alternating holidays with me. I moved with their full support and blessing. 18 months later, I was back in NH and a year after that, I was divorced. As great as it all sounded, there is no replacing being there, in person, for your children. If I could go back, I never would have left them, even for that short amount of time. Their grades dropped, we missed each other terribly. You think you miss your SO? Try leaving your kids behind. Trust me, it's not worth it. It's 18 months of time that I lost with my daughters when they really needed me.

[sasad]

Don't make the kids move if they have a relationship with their fathers. Custodial meaning you have primary physical with visitation?? Courts willl not be happy if you try to move kids from other parent unless you get it totally cleared wth both dads. And again, if they have anything with dad, think how it would feel if they moved kids from you. Odds will not be in your favor using the " But We Love Each Other" argument in court. These are the kids fathers and they have every right to their kids ( unless court denied). I am just a little concerned you would take a three year old away (joint custody).. You cant let him fly alone trans con till he is 13 -15 ish. How can you afford and schedule visits with all the dads etc.
How new is your relationship? You wont be able to just up an move there and get to stay... Sorry. I am a single mother, was a stepmom and i dont like my ex, but he and my son need each other. Don't take that away from them. I'm all for love and moving on, but you have to take care of the wee ones.

[Amerikiwi]

No that's not what my moving post said it meant me moving from them .. which I don't think I could do because like the first post said they are my world. And me and my SO have been together almost a year, but we are closer than any other relationship I've ever been in. Trust me the last thing I want is to move them from their fathers.

[Amerikiwi]

So you are no longer in your LDR ? And no I don't want to be away from them ..one hope is my work is very flexible I have toyed with the idea of me staying in NZ three months out of the year ...until we can figure something more permanent. I've already looked into visa's. And I feel like 3 months would be hard but I wouldn't miss out on everything.

[sasad]

R&R just got married last year and is still doing a LDR.. i am still in mine as well. Mine doesn't have a child, so he comes to me more.
I am confused. You are going to try and stay there for 3 months and leave your kids here or are you hoping to bring your kids?

[R&R]

I am no longer in that LDR, though we remain great friends. I've been in my current LDR for 3 years and we were married last November. We will be relocating to Texas (his home state) hopefully by the end of this year. My daughters are now 22 and almost 21. My 22 will be moving with me and my 21 year old is staying here.

[Moon]

I'm sorry to be blunt, but there's just no good way to do this, unless one of you abandons your children. You're looking at a very long term LDR, which can be done with enough dedication and resolve, but be realistic here...you both have minor children who have relationships with both of their parents, so you don't get to just up and drag them across the world Of course their other parents will object, wouldn't you? Closing the distance for the foreseeable future is off the table. For now, I think you just see how it goes, since you aren't in a position yet to plan anything. I know that's a tough thing to hear, but your children are simply too young for you to do anything else. Do you really want to send a little kid on about the farthest possible plane ride, with layovers, by himself to visit his other parent, especially these days? I'm sure this post will upset you and you'll very much disagree with me, I don't mean to sound awful here, but I think you are thinking this through in a haze of love, instead of realistically. Your relationship CAN work, but maybe not in the same way you're planning.

[Rezie]

Is either of you willing to move and see your kids once or twice a year? If not then you can't close the distance. Do you want to continue your relationship? If yes then you are long distance till the kids are grown up.

[TaraMarie]

That is called a rock and a hard place. If my husband gets a job that we will have to move for, we will be taking my ex husband with us. He's retired and can go anywhere, and there is NO WAY I could ever take them from their dad. Although we would have to leave my oldest (27) here...and that would kill me. Still praying he gets a transfer HERE.