When are you overdoing it

[Marcie25]

Hi All,

I am in a LDR for about 6 months now... She is living in the UK and i am living in the Netherlands. So the distance isn't that big, as some others here. I have met this girl on a website for dating, the funny thing when we started communicating, she send me a lot of messages and at first i didn't really reply. The reason for it was that she was looking so damn good that i couldn't really believe she wanted to get to know me :s

Lucky i replied finally... After chatting via the website she gave me her number and after that we started texting. Getting to know each other etc.

We have met each other 4 times these six months, and the last time we met was 3 weeks ago. And i really enjoy the quality time we spent together. And of course every time we depart it is hard.

Now the thing is that she is a doctor working in the ER department, so as you can understand, she has different working hours then most people do. And the last few weeks she is working nights... And besides her working hours she also needs to study a lot for exams. So you can say she is busy....

The last few weeks it really is hard for me, because me sending a text and not getting a reply. Now i know the reason behind it, but i am really opening up to her, and sending her some deep and long text messages. But she replies with kinda short messages... For instance she doesn't really reply when i say i miss you...

And i know she doesn't need to response with the text, i miss u 2. But it is hard not to hear or get the reply you want (expect) she reads my messages but answers my messages 12hrs or 24hrs later. Perhaps i am acting as a child... But when you feel in love etc. well you get the message, it''s hard. Because i feel like i am second, although i understand her job is hard and busy and she needs to study for her exams. I won't be able to see her in the coming months, because she is so busy.

But i don't really want to put everything on the line, or push her to say something. She has experience with LDR and i am new to this "game"

I guess i just bite my tongue. Perhaps for some of you it sounds familiar... But the thing is i don't want to change my way of texting with her, sometimes i think i will reply her also a short message. But it is not who i am, so i can't and won't do that.

So what should i do? Push her to say something? Or just let it rest and let her dictate the frequency of our text/voice call?

[raysayro]

I've been in an LDR for more than a year and I've experienced this "neglected" feeling for months. I'm sure a lot of couples go through this as well. You feel like your other half doesn't care about you anymore. You're asking yourself: is it that hard to reply? It's indeed hard to be the less busier one. I used to overthink everything when I had free time and also constantly checking my messages if he has replied or not or not checking it the entire day but finding out there's no reply at the end of the day made me feel even more frustrated. The thing is, I realized this is the purest form of an unhealthy dependent relationship.

Try to focus more on yourself en learn to be independent. Eventually, you'll face this problem with every kind of relationship. Long distance or not. You're only learning it on a harder level. Hang out with friends, do well on your job or study hard. Achieve those amazing grades, heck, maybe go get that promotion. Focus on things that make you feel happy beside your SO. She should be an addition to your happiness and not the source. If it still troubles you. Try to talk it out with her. People who are constantly busy might not even realize it's hurting you.

I'm sure she cares a lot for you, but you're just out of mind when she's busy.

Talk it out, build on yourself and learn to be independent.

Veel succes gewenst. Het is inderdaad moeilijk, maar met veel inzet en communocatie sleep je je er sowieso doorheen. Mede NL'er hierzo :')

[Honour]

raysayro is right. You can't allow yourself to become utterly dependent on your partner, or allow yourself to hang onto every waking moment hoping she's going to text you. I know from personal experience just how tiring, busy and mentally draining being in an LDR yet working in a hospital can be, so all I can say is be patient, focus on yourself in between messages and don't get clingy/needy. Also, 6 months isn't all that long... it took much longer than that for me to adjust to the point I wasn't doing the same thing you are, and to be less panicky when we'd go a few days without speaking or having any contact for whatever reason. Try and be patient, and you'll get into a routine eventually that'll help you cope with things. Good luck.

[erwin1973]

Inderdaad, veel succes! (Nog een Kaaskop hier LOL)

I agree with our fellow Dutchman. Communication is key, not only in an LDR but there it is all you have. Whenever my girl and me have an issue, we talk it out even if one of us needs to go sleep (we're 7 hours apart).

If it hurts, ask her why she's not responding, BUT do it non-accusive. And even though it might hurt, don't fret over it. You say you know why, and that is a big step already. It doesn't make it less painful, I know, but it helps.

[hmrambling]

I would suggest to you that you don't send deep texts. For me, texting is not the place to share deep thoughts or argue. These are the things that are reserved for conversations on the phone. Please respect her schedule and talk to her about her availability. Try to schedule phone conversations when both of you are available.

[Marcie25]

Thank you for all you answers and advice... You know the stupid thing right now is, is that i see she is online on whatsapp for about 12 minutes now. But she hasn't replied my message. So she still has time to reply other people and that really sucks...

But i don't know if i should tell her this, i don't wanna make a big deal out of it.

[Rezie]

You can talk about what type of communication you expect. If you have have a habbit of sending long meaningful tests then she might not want to respond to them just randomly while at work. She might have responded to other people that ask if she coming to dinner and sh responds yeah. Or somehting that doens't require thought. You can communicate the way you want to and she can communicate the way she wants to but together you have to discuss that you understand each others POV and not feel hurt.

[Honour]

Also, I should point out just because it says she's online doesn't mean she's there. Sometimes a person can appear "Online" but isn't actually there. I do that a lot with Steam and Skype. Social Media platforms aren't reliable, either. Keep this in mind.

[Chris516]

OP, While you are concerned about whether or not, you are overdoing it.

One thing is nagging at me.

You said she was a emergency room doctor. They can sometimes work 12-24hrs. in one shift. I can see an ER doctor having time for texting...even the phone. But not WhatsApp.

When you have visited. Have you physically seen any legitimate evidence that she is an ER doctor? Have you researched her on the Net?

[Rezie]

You said she was a emergency room doctor. They can sometimes work 12-24hrs. in one shift. I can see an ER doctor having time for texting...even the phone. But not WhatsApp.

Not to comment on OP's partner. But I have worked in ICU and A&E. It is very busy but not all the time. It depends on the hospital. Some doctors leave their private phones to lockers but some have them with them and they have time to respond between patients, while doing paper work etc.

[hmrambling]

Thank you for all you answers and advice... You know the stupid thing right now is, is that i see she is online on whatsapp for about 12 minutes now. But she hasn't replied my message. So she still has time to reply other people and that really sucks...

But i don't know if i should tell her this, i don't wanna make a big deal out of it.

So if she has 12 minutes, those 12 minutes are owed to you?

If you send a message to her on WhatsApp, is she obligated to answer you immediately? Is that what the two of you have agreed upon?

Sorry, but your statement really sounds controlling/jealous/demanding.

Perhaps you should be asking yourself why you are not occupying yourself with something other than timing the minutes that she doesn't respond to you.

[2Rocky]

Maybe the answer is to make an appointment with each other for when both are free.

I find when things get busy, scheduling ahead is SOOOO much more important.

With ML having a second job and kid activities, and I having training on top of my Regular 5 1/2 day job and kid's half time, sometimes just making a "date" for a few minutes at the end of the week takes the pressure off.

[Chris516]

Not to comment on OP's partner. But I have worked in ICU and A&E. It is very busy but not all the time. It depends on the hospital. Some doctors leave their private phones to lockers but some have them with them and they have time to respond between patients, while doing paper work etc.

Yes, I was going on the countless times I have been a medical patient. Seeing doctors' n' nurses doing rounds. Waiting for a doctor or nurse to answer a question for me.

[sasad]

She's a dr working in ER. She is also studying. I dunno. Parts hit me wrong
You shouldn't ever play games in relationships..tit for tat is plain silly, so don't go there,
You are 6 months into this. Please set up a date to talk, communicate and compromise on ways you both need to communicate. Just because you want more and deeper texts, don't push your expectations onto her. And I agree with HR...she didn't respond in 12 minutes???? Borderline control/needy. Again, talk to her and as as none of internet people know
What's goin on in her head. I would also suggest you perhaps find a hobby to keep you busy too.

[Mims27]

My advice to you is, do not over think it. Your relationship is still new and exciting but, your partner seems to be legitimately busy. And unless she's given you reasons not to, you must trust that's what it is. Also, keep in mind that not all people are the same when it comes to texting. I used to write long messages to my SO, when we were LDR and she was also a short replier. It's not because she cared less, that's just how she was. In the meantime, keep busy and distracted.