Soulmates.... or just let it go?

[alessa88]

I have been in the background on this website ever since my LDR relationship started because I found it so fascinating how so many people from different parts of the world are able to find each other and stay connected.

Let me give you the background to my story... and the position that I am in now because I am struggling with these bottled up feelings.

August of 2015 I was in Thailand on vacation and (definitely drunk) but saw a boy that I was instantly drawn to and told my friend "I need to talk him". I don't usually go up to guys but I had liquid courage and went up to him making a story that I was lost and couldn't find anyone. He instantly put his arm around me and said that I could stay with him and we ended up spending the rest of the night together. It was an instant attraction for sure. But when he put his name with a heart in my phone I honestly thought I would never speak or see him again. I'm not naive... we are young and on vacation plus I am from Canada and he was from Amsterdam.

Except from that day we continued to talk every single day for 6 months. It starting getting serious from the way that we were talking to each other so I finally decided to make a move and book a flight to Amsterdam to see him. Honestly, it was the one of the best weeks of my entire life and on the first night I was there he told me he loved me and asked me to officially be his girlfriend. We both were so in love and happy.

He then came to Canada in May...met my parents. That went over really well too. Then, we had plans to spend the summer together and travel all through Spain. Needless to say it was the best summer of my life. Getting to wake up to him every day and just be in his arms for over a month was all I ever needed and wanted. I even met his parents twice. We got along so well and even when I went back to Canada in August a week later he flew again to see me. This time he met more of my extended family and everyone loved him.

Now .... September came and things were back to normal. I'm a teacher and he is in his final year of his undergrad. We have a 4 year age gap (I'm 26 and he is 22). We kept saying this summer that we needed a plan because to fly back and forth constantly isn't a long term solution. But nothing came of it. It is super hard to find teaching positions in Amsterdam... but I kept on applying and he told me from the beginning that he didn't see his future in Canada. But so September is when things changed. He belongs to a fraternity and I couldn't talk to him for basically a week because it's super strict (if you're European you know). But basically after that things went sour.

He called me in late September saying, "where is this going?". My heart of course sank. You have to understand that I think he is my soulmate. I have never felt such a love from someone. I only see a future with him. He has even said that he knows that I will be the mother of his children....for a 22 year old to say that I think that is serious. But so to answer his question I said ...WHAT DO YOU MEAN?. What have we been doing this entire time. I'm not flying halfway across the world just for fun. He just continued to say that he loves me but we are in different stages of our life and that he still has so much to do whereas I am already in my career and waiting to settle down.

He of course has valid points... but how do you wake up one day and just instantly decide to make a decision to cut the most pure love off. I honestly feel like I was shot in the chest and left to bleed. I just felt like once he made the decision we shouldn't continue our LDR he turned cold and I felt anything I said wasn't even making him flinch. So fast forward to now which is about 6 months later. The pain is of course less but I still feel so unsettled in my heart. I still talk to him here and there but it's just blah.

So this is where things get a little interesting. From that time I was applying to teach in Amsterdam I was recently contacted by a summer school there saying they would be interested in me teaching for 3 weeks this summer. I did the interview and got it. I wasn't going to tell him because I don't want him thinking I'm going hoping I can rekindle something with him. ...but he randomly messaged me one day and I just spat it out. He was genuinely happy for me and we agreed we would do a dinner but that's it.

I just don't know how to feel right now. I am still so heart broken. I love him. He is the love of my life. ...but he is young and right with his logic (Dutch people are very logical). Do I give up on this dream and just let it be. I honestly just want to see his face so I can feel if he doesn't love me anymore. If I feel that, I know that I can move on and give up. I just still feel hope even though he is completely disinterested in me right now.

Sigh.... Im happy to get that off my chest.

Any thoughts or opinions would be grand.

<3

[Amaris]

Hello Alessa,

I'm sorry to hear this and that you feel like that. After being so in love with someone.

It''s definitely not easy. But to make an end to a relationship like that? No. Even though he had some right points, he could've tried. I mean you got a job here for the summer. I wouldn't expect too much when you meet him again. But as you said. To see him in real life acting the way he does in text, might help you get over it. Don't expect to build it back up again, you might get hurt again. Go there with an open mind. And you'll see/find your answers then.

And Dutchies aren't logical all the time, I'm not.. Haha.

- Amaris.

[R&R]

Hi Alessa,

It's certainly hard when a relationship ends and especially hard if you weren't the one to end it. Chances are, he didn't just wake up one morning and decide this relationship wasn't for him. Usually, one party has already mentally left the relationship and isn't sure how to say it, so they keep it going until they can get the courage to say how they feel and end it. This is why it may seem like he had no emotions about it while your emotions were raw - he had already had the opportunity to process it and move on in his life when he told you it was over.

When we are in relationships and love the other person, we are all sure it is the love of our life and soulmate. Later in life, we can look back and see what a special person they were and how they played an intregal part in our lives but realize that they truly weren't that one and only we thought. Hindsight is 20/20 and then we can really see the relationship for what it was, but it takes time. You learn to let go of the thought that this one person was your soulmate because that is stopping you from meeting the person who really is a perfect match for you.

As far as going there for three weeks, only do it if it is something you want to do for YOU and not because of hoping to reconnect or have that dinner. Your choices need to be based on your life as an individual and what will help you to get to where you want to be on your own.

[2Rocky]

There is a lot of personal development that happens between 20-25. Especially when a person gets out of school and into the workforce. He most likely doesn't know what he wants.

My metaphor is a race...

Think of it as a marathon. You two are on two different paths that intersect along the way. From an age and maturity perspective, you have a head start. You ran together a few times where the path intersected. Is his pace along the separate path going to match yours when you two intersect again? If one of you gets there before the other, will you wait for each other? If so how long?

You have your professional path in Amsterdam for the next few months. Invite him to run that path with you. But run your path the way that makes you happy. If he can catch up and keep pace, that is great. If your path keeps going there after, keep following it, but if one comes along that is more inviting, choose it . Choose it for you. it is your run, and you want to run your pace to your destination and you don't want a run that you hate just because you like the running partner. Especially if that running partner can't keep up or wants to run ahead faster.

You can always each run your own runs, then meet at the bar for a drink after....

[differentcountries]

People process things in different ways. To you, you love him and you want to give life with him a go, so that is where you are at. To you it is simple, or can be sorted out. You did not know the extent of his doubts, perhaps because he hid them from you. You only just found out for sure. You will need time to process this information.

To him, he has had/have feelings for you, still other things in his life that also takes priority for him has compelled him to decide he wants to opt out of it. I dont think it is suddenly, but to him it may be so that it is decided already; without discussing it with you, who he knows is likely to want him to change his mind.

And none of this relates to logic. It is just two people at different places in their lives.

Usually, nothing good comes from running after people. If he changes his mind, he changes it. Dont wait around for him.

[alessa88]

Thank you for your comment. I know that I have to go there for myself and not for anyone else. I am so excited to go just to teach. I think it will be an amazing experience. But I am also hoping to put my heart at peace. I am putting all of your comments into my head and it is honestly helping hearing peoples perspectives. Its just crazy how much energy I put into this relationship because for the first time I saw a future with someone.

[2Rocky]

Thank you for your comment. I know that I have to go there for myself and not for anyone else. I am so excited to go just to teach. I think it will be an amazing experience. But I am also hoping to put my heart at peace. I am putting all of your comments into my head and it is honestly helping hearing peoples perspectives. Its just crazy how much energy I put into this relationship because for the first time I saw a future with someone.

Also remember, you are a valuable person yourself. You have an education, a job, a career, and obviously are a pretty attractive catch. Don't sell yourself short...