Lack of Communication

[linanunez]

Hi all! I need some insight...

E and I have been together for 9 months, we have a fortunate situation where he is able to come see me every 3 weeks during his “flyback". We started our relationship by constant calling, texting, Skyping, etc. yet as expected it became less but it was enough for us to keep our relationship strong. For the last couple months, his behaviour towards me has changed...there aren’t as many phone calls, texts, or Skype calls. Things that we used to do together he does on his own now (yes, including watching a Netflix series ), he has made more friends where he lives and is more social, which I don’t have an issue with except that if we do talk on the phone or Skype it is very short and blah because he is tired or busy. The texts have even gone down. If I tell him how I feel or question it, he says I’m being negative about the situation, so I feel that talking is just a lost cause sometimes.

Another thing that was red flag to me was that he planned a trip to NYC with one of his new friends during his flyback week when he could have came to see me. I knew he had to go to the States for some business but he said it would be a random weekend, so when I asked him when he was coming and he told me about NYC for the whole week, I got really upset. The worst part is that he didn’t tell me...when he told me he already had his tickets, planned his stay, etc. and I didn’t know. He only told me then because I asked. This bothered me a lot. Now in NYC he barely calls or writes, and if I get mad, he says that I should just call if I want to talk to him. So I started to do so and then I realised no, the effort goes both ways because I was the only one calling at 10 pm before I went to bed.

This all leads to one answer, right?

However, he continuously says that he really does love me, he wants to be with me, he misses me so much, and that he knows he should call or write more...yet he doesn’t. So there’s my confusion. He tells me to be patient and that everything will okay, but how much patience should I have? I feel myself pulling away because I don’t want to get hurt. I love him. It has been a good relationship but a difficult one because of the distance. I know if it weren’t a long distance relationship, it would be very different.

Any words of wisdom? Insight? Advice? Blunt truth? Anything from an outside perspective would really help. Thank you!

[Karura]

Hello, hope my insight will be of any help to you. ^^

Like the title of this topic, I do agree that there is a lack of communication here, and from what I can see, it isn't because you're not trying to communicate with him but rather he is dismissing it. As you may know, for how much this has been said over in the forums, communication is key in any relationship and it bothers me that it sounds like he doesn't care to listen to your concerns and feelings and that you've reached a point where you think talking is almost going to be pointless because of it. Not only does he dismisses those things, but he also doesn't seem to care to initiate communication with you, since it looks like you're the only one attempting to call (I assume this issue is not limited to that?). I would try and solve this problem first because you're not going to get anywhere if he won't bother to keep up the communication and you can't get through to him and if this goes on, I would be concerned.

Now, as for the trip, I would be upset in your position too. I'm not against my SO going on a trip by himself or with friends since a relationship is not always about only spending time with each other and from what you've told me, he has made new friendship lately that probably led to him wanting to do the trip to NYC. However, the BIG red flag for me is that fact that he not only hid the facts, being that he planned and bought everything before telling you, but he also lied to you saying that it was a weekend, then going on to say it was a whole week (and possibly breaking off any plans to see you). If you hadn't asked, he might not have said anything, right? I wouldn't be happy with that at all. He also probably doesn't call you because he is too busy making use of his holiday in NYC, but that is the part I would worry the least.

You say that this all would have been different if it weren't long distance, but I have to ask you. Do you truly believe that? It doesn't sound like a long distance problem to me at all. The way I see it, this would have happened regardless if you were CD or LD. He would have been all over you in the first months and then, one the honeymoon phase ended, he would revert to his self, show this side of his personality, communicate less and do his own thing. Him telling you to be patient is his way to try and make you bend to his ways so that he can do whatever he wants and how he wants and you will be the only one to compromise and suffer in the end. Is this fixable when he is already doing this stuff? Maybe, but you have to start putting your own foot down and not give in to what he says. Relationships do work both ways and if he won't try and accept your terms, then you have to think about whether or not he means what he says.

[inday101]

I can relate with TS. This is exactly my situation. I always initiate the conversations, texts, phone calls. I guess love is a choice by me choosing to stay despite the situation.

Been with my SO for a year now and have been talking for 1.6 yrs that I felt like time spent talking is really normAl to be less than before. But it's a case to casr basis. Some couples are consistently talking some are not.

[differentcountries]

I would say that if, during all of your 9 months, you have been able to see each other across countries every 3 weeks, that is very good. I understand that since you are used to this, it upsets you to miss one of the uppertunities, but for him to see friends + take care of things he needs to do, that is not a bad thing. He is probably busy while he is there. But he should have told you in advance that was going, so that you had the option to prepare to do other things.

As for texting, Skyping etc. to back down, for many couples that is normal. You sort of sink into the everyday life, and many get more busy with everyday life. For us actually, we find that we in many ways prefer texting to Skyping - we can do other things at the same time and we dont have to worry about interruption. We might to back to Skyping more often when he get his own wifi home line.

I have told SO to not worry about how often he "should" write or call me. I dont want things to feel forced, and sometimes the flow of communication runs smoother when we have been less in contact for a while, leading him to miss me more and take more intiative. This is another thing; me respecting his introversion is something that is very benificial to us.

In close distance, you would also need to set aside time for friends and work, and life would sometimes be tiring and blah. He is right on the money saying you should not be negative about it or read a whole lot into it. As long as you dont have any conflicts, try to savour the good things and let the other things be. Ask him to communicate clearly when he will visit you and not, and let him know you will be happy for even short and sweet messages. When my SO is busy, I just text him kisses or "I think about you, have a nice rest". That way, he can receive what I can give without thinking I expect him to be super thoughtful back. And I let him know that he can show appreciation this easy way too.

[growinglove]

I can't stand when there is a lack of communication!! When I am in my "everyday life" and he is out of town or something is different for him, I don't hear from him much. I wouldn't do to him...this is where it hurts. I would never not try to make him feel comfortable and keep him up with my plans whether he was always with me or not. We have expectations of others that we have for ourselves, but how much do you let them decide? I agree, backing off of being upset will let them decide how you should feel, but they should still have their free time. Communication is key! Without it, these relationships just can't thrive. Where does that go missing? How is it not understood? It seems like such an easy thing to keep up with when you know someone it's just literally waiting and consumed by hearing from you. This makes us feel as if the relationship isn't equal and we start questioning everything. We start worrying about where we are inadequate or not good enough for them to speak to, etc.

[NewToLongDistance2016]

How is everything going? Has it gotten better? Lack of communication does not speak well for the relationship. I have given all the excuses in the book for guys who barely communicated w/me, but claimed to care about me, now I just move on if a guy barely communicates. As growinglove stated, communication is very important and if someone loves you, they will find a way to communicate w/you. You aren't being negative about the situation, you are showing your boundaries. Don't let him use you as a convenience, you deserve better then crumbs.