Fighting fighting fighting. I feel like we are totally losing us at the moment. HELP

[Lissa0202]

Hey everyone,

maybe someone has been going through a similar situation and can help me with some advice?
Me and my boyfriend are both in our twenties and date for over 1.5 years now. Im German, hes Australian and we met over there and everything went really fast and we came so close so quickly. I honestly think he might be "the one", cheesy I know but hes my best friend and everything. We even moved together and the last 4 months of my time I lived at his place with him. Since September 2016 we re doing long distance now because I study here (and cant effort it over there) and he cant leave because of his military job. It has been really hard to go from being with each other every day to 0 and the time difference and his job make it so complicated...but for everyone here in this forum probably so i shouldnt complain too much about this We ve been doing okay from September till December (he came over for xmas. And its been amazing four weeks together ) but we are struggeling so much since then. We saw each other again in March. I was over there for 4 weeks during my semester break. And since Im back here (April) things go down the hill. I miss him so badly and everything upsets me so much. We are always fine as soon as we are together but it feels like we are turning into monsters as soon as we are apart. We promised us to be better this time but went back into the same old story after 1 week apart. It feels like we are fighting about everything. Legit everything... He says I would tell him off for everything and I tried stopping to complain about anything at all. i feel like I cant make things right for him at the moment. Like hes looking for something I do wrong...or say wrong. We are totally dirfting apart and pushing each other away. I m scared to call because Im worried it escalates and I ll end up crying all night. But not talking is no option either because I miss him so bad. Does anyone have any ideas of how we can change things?
He says I worry to much...but sometimes I just have to worry...I just cant change it. We are so far apart and trusting is difficult some days because of something that happened in our past.
I really just want our relationship back and my best friend. I tried talking things out today but he just got more angry and blamed me for starting another fight...but I talked calm and just wanted to figure it out...no normal conversations are possible at the moment. Im so scared to lose us and everything we are fighting for for over a year now.

[onlyemily]

Give him sometime to calm down. Honestly, the best thing is trying to talk to him about how you feel. You aren't trying to fight with him when you just want to talk about your feelings, and let him know that. Not making excuses but maybe he has something going on at home that is causing him stress. Don't worry about worrying, I feel like most people in LDRs worry more than they should, in a way it helps keep me sane. But everything you have problems with is only resolved by talking things out. Maybe not right at this moment, but when a good time comes. I'm sorry you are going through this, just know you aren't alone. Hope this helps xx

[Evylania]

Hi,

Actually I am going through the same so I understand the feeling pretty well I guess.
We have been together for 9 months now so not as long as you but it's like that... Perfect when together, struggling when apart.
Every time I try to tell him how I feel, no matter how much I have thought of which word to use not to make it sounds bad, it will end up in an argument and he would say I'm picking up a fight again.
Unfortunately, the only option is being patient but never keep your feelings to yourself. As onlyemily said, try to give him bit of time alone so you as well can think about all this properly without fighting.
I've been going through the trust issues as well because of how it was in past and it's really hard not to worry when our love is far away but we don't really have choice in LDR I guess. If you need someone to talk with about all this, don't hesitate.
Be patient, I'm sure it's worth it.
Hope you guys will be ok xx

[kannagibhooshan]

hi lissa
one common thing i have learnt from my ldr's is guys are a bit casual.. they are deeply in luv with you... they are totally into you wen you are over calls or chats .. but beyond that they are more of a bit casual...
we girls are very emotional and sensitive... even i have cried the my eyes out yesterday for having missed him really bad ..n he was lyk ..thers noting to cry we' ll just meet in sometym😞...we fought n i felt guilty ...
So wat i thought to avoid this was...we both knw ldrs are difficult ...way difficult than said ...but we are doing it ... because the person is very important and dear to us... just think about it ... the wrds u speak outin anger will hurt him bad ....imagine u get just 10 mins to talk cud of ur busy schedules and tht is spent fighting and arguing bitterly ... it's gonna leave both ur heads heavythe next day......for sure distance is an issue ..... but not bigger than ur love ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
so set a target set a hobby ... for example diary writing .. write all ye frustrations and anger on it and discuss the prblm with him with pateince and luv... find out the positives of ur relation..... think of the tym u ll b together forever ... imagine urself at 80 holding hands and saying we made it ...ull get hope and half ur job willb done .... anger is not a solution ....u luv him try to sortout with luv ....i hope it llwork .. gudluck
m als o trying 😉😘

[Ivory]

Hi all... im new... i just sign up here as im going through something like this...

im in a ldr since last december (2016)... we met each other playing a game.... but we didnt met in person yet, he is from Australia, we have about +8000 miles apart, and 11hours time difference... we were doing ok.... i trust him, and he trust me, thats not the problem... the problem is that i miss him so badly... and i started to need to hear or read everyday he miss/love me the same way... but it doesnt happen as he is more relaxed... he knows he loves me, he knows i love him, he feels it´s no big deal... just im more "sensitive" lol

we both are divorced (twice)... seems our love life in the past didnt end the way we expected, and we share a lot in common... i felt, no i feel like a teenager... i dont know how to deal with my emotions...

Sometimes im sad and i said exactly what i want, what i need, because i dont want to be a mistery and to make he guess what i want... but everything keeps going the same way... i became demanding, pushing... (i became someone its not me)... and i know because I KNOW, he loves me... and i love him...

I cant work, i cant breathe, and i cant explain my feelings and when i try to explain he says the same: im starting a fight or a situation over and over again...

do i expect too much?, maybe... i dont know, i just know distance is a disaster, but i wont change anything...

the fact we haave different languages makes us misundertand our selves... sometimes seems the world is against us...

i dont want to lose him because of this, and i asked him today if he loves me even when i make him mad or upset... lol, he is such a sweet guy... i know he wanted to kick me lmao... but instead of that he said he loves me EVEN when i start those things...

i dont have anyone to share this with, as everybody think im crazy for being in a relationship like this one...

i know i have to deal with the fact we both have a life to live....

i have to find something to do... so i keep my mind busy...

last week i woke up 3 am and texted him because i was having a dream with him, he didint understand until i woke up and explained...

i really feel like a teenager, i dont know what to do or what to say, im totally confused

im sorry i cant help you, but i was thinking we are dealing with something similar, maybe we can support each other when we go through this...

[differentcountries]

It is easy to drive each other away when you feel bad because you miss them but you cant go and talking about it is not really helping.

we have developed a routine, after some trial and error, that looks like this;
- after a visit, we talk very little the first week. We are both exhausted (we stay up in the night when I am there), I am weary from the travel, he has to adjust to me not being there and we feel empthy. We send some small messages, like "I miss you" but no big talks. And we both know why.
- we scedule things around his job, but he has to take into account that I also sometimes work or have meetings. We prefer to set up Skype calls on the weekend or when I am not doing something the next day
- we allow each other to complain and whine, but only for a while
- we challenge each other to go on with our days, job etc.
- we talk about our future

If you are fighting, try to find out why. If something happened in your past, you need to fix that, of course.